Thanks for all the love.. that fucking Kendra name..and Growth..

Thank you for the love and encouragement in what was such a fucking disaster of a math test..

My first fail in academia.. and I’m talking the whole lot.. like from K-college I have never failed that bad in math.. EVER!!

Which I kind of always prided myself on.. but boy did I take a hit last night..

Even now looking at my gradebook.. FUCK!!..

But a few grand things happened while I was working on calming down today..

  1. OMGoodness you guys thank for the encouragement and support. The kind words, even got to watch a video clip.. super blessed and feel like.. I am not the dumbest person on the planet.. which now you see my crazy behavior not only is hard on myself after dealing with Charles and Kendra I’m hard on myself about everything.. Thanks for helping me work my way out of that..
  2. Charles got me tulips the roses were dead at Safeway.. and chocolate and soda..
  3. I’m doing so well at taking care of myself I didn’t just down all of it I shared the chocolate and will probably give the soda to the boy..
  4. Because junk food just makes me feel crappy later on and well.. I have to stay on top of things if I’m going to bring my already D up in Algebra.. seriously a D.. in like only 2 weeks of class.. yeah you know your girl NH is gifted.. (HA!)
  5. I want to give up, I want to be alone, and y’all know those options are not options.. and I’m breathing and not giving up.. I worry it’s just my fight of positive thinking things will get better if I work hard enough at it.. I worry that doesn’t work in relationships and it doesn’t work in academia either.. but I’m moving on without wanting to kill myself.. I know the drama I ensue…but those thoughts creep up on me.. when failure sets in and my why bother trying attitude..
  6. I am addressing my craziness.. and learning to FAIL big.. and that’s okay.. doesn’t mean I’m not smart, or never going to amount to anything..

Alright on another note my internet has been LAGGGGGGING goodness.. So I call and the customer service lady said “Good Afternoon this is Kendra how can I help you today”.. Ugh.. I don’t know about you guys but hearing her name still bothers me.. Meeting people with her name.. I can guarantee I will not be friends with another Kendra. I’m sure they are great people.. These are the times I wish I was a Sarah so that douchebag Kendra gets to hear my name all the time.. but nope I have a pretty original name..

Also I was FB stalking and saw a picture of Jessie yeah I’m having a moment and I looked at that precious girl.. and thought to myself.. I have wished this poor girl’s mother dead.. I have thought about Kendra’s death numerous times.. or harm..

When I hugged her in the mental ward.. I should have choked her..

Suppose it’s all part of my stages of grief..

Anyways.. I looked at that little girl and thought.. I’m sorry I wanted your Momma to die..

I’m sorry to wish ill will on that lame woman Kendra.. was to make the whole family suffer.. and I felt conflicted.. and sad..

All of these things today.. Growth is always on the horizon for me.. I hope to be a beautiful garden one day and the rot and torment of the hurt in my very dirt.. the weeds that choke out the growth that I’ve allowed to grow will be no more..

Joel 2:25New Living Translation (NLT)

25 The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost
    to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts,
the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.[a]

 

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8 thoughts on “Thanks for all the love.. that fucking Kendra name..and Growth..

  1. Um… just for shits and giggles – the cum guzzling whore whom I call Scuz through out my blog is named Sanya – everyone knows her as the blown out Aynas (her name spelled backwards) 😀

  2. NH…you may not remember, I ranted a raged with you a few years back. I come back now and then to check on you all. I too went back to school. First as a security plan, then just because I wanted to. I’m almost finished. I suck at math. Like bad. There a website called khan academy. It’s entirely free. It’ll help you figure out any problem, step by step and then gives practice ones so you can master it. It saved my rear in college algebra and derivative calculus. I’m not sure if have passed without it. I learned more there than my instructors could get through to me. Give it a look see. I hope it helps.
    Much love,
    Sissy

    • Thanks Sissy! The boy does Khan Academy I probably need to check that out more! Congrats on the schooling and here’s to graduating one day closer than the last.. and wow derivative calculus? What’s your major? 🙂

      • Social work with a special focus in abnormal psychology. i started as cyber security though. After derivative calc I realized it was basically four more years of math and said screw that shit. Social work is more where my heart lies anyways. I just wanted the extra money that cyber sec would have given me. I’ve been knee deep in it since I was last blogging here. Two years now. I’m a bit of a nerd. A math deficient nerd. What’s your major? How are you? Like really, how are you doing?

      • I’m getting my bachelor of Arts in Social Science I would really like to study the link between human interaction and technology.. however.. where I am and for the price.. I’m going as a resident of AK for with concentrations in Psychology, Sociology, and Political Science

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