Lost..

Oh dear..

My college algebra assignments are seriously.. something is going awry and well.. it’s so frustrating..

But aside from school.

I feel lost..

I wonder if it’s all the crap I’ve been eating..

Probably.. but I feel lost..

lack of  sleep perhaps.. more on our schedule?

The fact this darn bloody curse just keeps going on and on..

However I look at Charles and I have just been so conflicted.

He treats me well.. I mean it’s fantastic.. the compliments the encouragement..

But there’s always a but in there somewhere.

I look at him and think.. I mattered so little to him that I could be anything to him. I could be the roommate, the wife he loves, the crap wife he fell out of love with and was so crappy he needed a wife slut to fulfill his life, and me as a person mattered so little.

Still makes me very sad thinking about it. I finally pinned down a very thoughtful thought without rage, just sadness.

I always wanted him to see me, I never felt he truly did. And now I see myself more than I ever have before.. and I don’t care if he ever sees me, appreciates me..

I look at him and his looks are fading.. he’s older, and well I wonder what this means for me..

He’s just a man to me.. he used to be special oh how he used to SHINE to me..

Now, I wonder about his death and what kind of widow I will be..

If he outlives me and is that anyway to live?

I’m not sure..

My first instinct is to say no..

Advertisements

Comment Here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s