Oh dear..

My college algebra assignments are seriously.. something is going awry and well.. it’s so frustrating..

But aside from school.

I feel lost..

I wonder if it’s all the crap I’ve been eating..

Probably.. but I feel lost..

lack of  sleep perhaps.. more on our schedule?

The fact this darn bloody curse just keeps going on and on..

However I look at Charles and I have just been so conflicted.

He treats me well.. I mean it’s fantastic.. the compliments the encouragement..

But there’s always a but in there somewhere.

I look at him and think.. I mattered so little to him that I could be anything to him. I could be the roommate, the wife he loves, the crap wife he fell out of love with and was so crappy he needed a wife slut to fulfill his life, and me as a person mattered so little.

Still makes me very sad thinking about it. I finally pinned down a very thoughtful thought without rage, just sadness.

I always wanted him to see me, I never felt he truly did. And now I see myself more than I ever have before.. and I don’t care if he ever sees me, appreciates me..

I look at him and his looks are fading.. he’s older, and well I wonder what this means for me..

He’s just a man to me.. he used to be special oh how he used to SHINE to me..

Now, I wonder about his death and what kind of widow I will be..

If he outlives me and is that anyway to live?

I’m not sure..

My first instinct is to say no..


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