I don’t know why I do the things I do 

Is it lust that I just want a hug or a kiss?

Maybe I’m so messed up to only use a person for what I want 

I’m going to pray about this as I get ready for Boys court of honor 

I kissed him 

I wanted him to sit next to me 

And he feels me up 

And I use him 

I don’t really care about his day I used to but I don’t now 

I didn’t mean to intentionally today but I’m realizing it and wanted to write this down 

Now some could say he deserves that

Or some would say I’m giving him mixed signals which isn’t fair 

And I would say to those people they are right equally 

I also would comment on my position that I am finding me 

And sometimes thoughts like today are not so clear

I don’t want to use Charles even if he still disgusts me from time to time I don’t want to use or abuse him 

He is a person with thoughts, feelings and he wasn’t always a slut bag spouse 

I’m not making excuses for him 

But I am also not letting this be a free pass for me to say I’m sorry 

I’m going to dwell for a bit how i feel about all of this 

I absolutely know that I don’t want to use Charles he isn’t just a pleasure doll

And not that this makes up for his behavior but when I asked after his stupidness was all out I asked him so you want to do it on the highway in the dark? 

And he said No you deserve so much better than that 

I still feel happy about that 

Because I do deserve to be treated so much better than slut spouse 

But does it really matter?

No it doesn’t 

Does it change how I feel about him? 

Nope 

Alright enough Lollygagging 

Off to homework I go 

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