So in a different direction.
To.. I hate you.. you scum.. fuck up.. conniving little pussy bitch..
To.. wow.. maybe you really have changed? And not in the lose all your morals and shack up with someone as equally or more so fucked up than yourself..
No. I keep up with a blogger 2BlackCadillacs and well all of you give me so much to think about on any given day.
Anyways sometimes I read her blog and think WTF?? How will you never speak about the affair again?? How is that even possible?? That bitch is always popping up.. Kendra still pops up in my head.. I don’t know why even sometimes..
But like many ideas of NH especially the anger, impulsive emotions.. don’t last long anymore.. because now (music please) I can evaluate.. and also believe with a firm foundation God is with me
I can evaluate and let my crazy brain shut the hell up and be like?? Hey brain we’ve been down one of many fucked up trains on this life.. let’s just let things simmer..
So 2BlackCadillacs idea stayed with me for AWHILE..
And I wondered.. If I burn dinner.. or break a 9×13 glass pan on my stove because I’m making gravy with it because I was trying to save a pan.. my beloved Pyrex.. blew up.. like I’m so lucky no one was in the kitchen.. I have to throw away a whole pot of mashed potatoes because glass may or may not be in there.. (this all happened currently also I know you aren’t supposed to do that but I thought it won’t take long save me a pan..)
How long is it mentioned? How long does my whole family dwell on how Mom ruined dinner.. blew up a glass pan.. all my children love mashed potatoes..
They don’t.. and now I know a backstabbing affair or any affair does not equate to a burnt dinner.. but in the terms of mistakes..
I think I’m getting what people are saying.. about Charles made a mistake…
And I remind him quite a bit about his mistake…
And don’t think I’m changing that anytime soon, but I could and the thought has provoked me..
To question how long will I keep this over him?
And the NH who still wants to punch Charles in the throat (yup she’s still in there) wants to say FOREVER!!
However the NH who raises her children and wants to grow and breathe life into herself and others? Yeah that chic has some thoughts about just giving the affair word up..
How thinking about the affair she is seeing it as a choice sometimes and not just a random pop up suggestion that she can’t control..
Anyways I woke up to the picture you see and it made me cry.
Charles cleaned up the broken pan, the full pot of mashed potatoes, cleaned my stove..
He is doing dishes.. without being asked..
Always helping me clean..
He is still always touching me..
With all the rejection I have dished out on him.. he’s still carrying strong..
And with all the rejection I have been given.. am I?
He’s going to be on a trip to a remote island for 4 days..
No reliable wifi
He’s praying over me..
He’s leading bible studies..
If this is an act this is one big show..
And if he isn’t..
He’s becoming the guy NH deserved to marry in the first place..
And as for NH?
Well I think she’s becoming the gal she’s always meant to be without needing a “love of her life” mentality..
She’s making herself a priority, but also finding love in new ways and exploring herself..
Anyways we used to write on the mirrors alot in KS.. and that made me cry..
I would like to say why.. but sometimes the tears flow and it’s unidentifiable if that makes any sense..
I do feel close to him and I will miss him.. just not like I used to and I guess that’s okay too.