How my heart is breaking and how I ruined dinner..

img_2860So in a different direction.

To.. I hate you.. you scum.. fuck up.. conniving little pussy bitch..

To.. wow.. maybe you really have changed? And not in the lose all your morals and shack up with someone as equally or more so fucked up than yourself..

No. I keep up with a blogger 2BlackCadillacs and well all of you give me so much to think about on any given day.

Anyways sometimes I read her blog and think WTF?? How will you never speak about the affair again?? How is that even possible?? That bitch is always popping up.. Kendra still pops up in my head.. I don’t know why even sometimes..

But like many ideas of NH especially the anger, impulsive emotions.. don’t last long anymore.. because now (music please) I can evaluate.. and also believe with a firm foundation God is with me

I can evaluate and let my crazy brain shut the hell up and be like?? Hey brain we’ve been down one of many fucked up trains on this life.. let’s just let things simmer..

So 2BlackCadillacs idea stayed with me for AWHILE..

And I wondered.. If I burn dinner.. or break a 9×13 glass pan on my stove because I’m making gravy with it because I was trying to save a pan.. my beloved Pyrex.. blew up.. like I’m so lucky no one was in the kitchen.. I have to throw away a whole pot of mashed potatoes because glass may or may not be in there.. (this all happened currently also I know you aren’t supposed to do that but I thought it won’t take long save me a pan..)

How long is it mentioned? How long does my whole family dwell on how Mom ruined dinner.. blew up a glass pan.. all my children love mashed potatoes..

They don’t.. and now I know a backstabbing affair or any affair does not equate to a burnt dinner.. but in the terms of mistakes..

I think I’m getting what people are saying.. about Charles made a mistake…

And I remind him quite a bit about his mistake…

And don’t think I’m changing that anytime soon, but I could and the thought has provoked me..

To question how long will I keep this over him?

And the NH who still wants to punch Charles in the throat (yup she’s still in there) wants to say FOREVER!!

However the NH who raises her children and wants to grow and breathe life into herself and others? Yeah that chic has some thoughts about just giving the affair word up..

How thinking about the affair she is seeing it as a choice sometimes and not just a random pop up suggestion that she can’t control..

Still processing..

Anyways I woke up to the picture you see and it made me cry.

Charles cleaned up the broken pan, the full pot of mashed potatoes, cleaned my stove..

He is doing dishes.. without being asked..

Always helping me clean..

He is still always touching me..

With all the rejection I have dished out on him.. he’s still carrying strong..

And with all the rejection I have been given.. am I?

He’s going to be on a trip to a remote island for 4 days..

No reliable wifi

He’s praying over me..

He’s leading bible studies..

If this is an act this is one big show..

And if he isn’t..

He’s becoming the guy NH deserved to marry in the first place..

And as for NH?

Well I think she’s becoming the gal she’s always meant to be without needing a “love of her life” mentality..

She’s making herself a priority, but also finding love in new ways and exploring herself..

Anyways we used to write on the mirrors alot in KS.. and that made me cry..

I would like to say why.. but sometimes the tears flow and it’s unidentifiable if that makes any sense..

I do feel close to him and I will miss him.. just not like I used to and I guess that’s okay too.







12 thoughts on “How my heart is breaking and how I ruined dinner..

  1. That’s a sweet picture! And him cleaning up that mess was very kind. I know how hard it is to let go- I struggle with it too. I think it may be easier if there were less triggers but I also want to move on from it. I want to trust that the changes are real. I do believe that God can reedeem. It will take time- but know you’re not struggling on your own to get to the other side and also I think it helps to look at how far you have already come!

  2. That was really sweet and cute
    God is making him a man better
    He obviously loves you
    He never loved that woman. Love is a pure and holy feeling given by God. The Holy Spirit of God does not dwell in filth and sin.

    Sorry for any errors in my English text is not my first language.
    You’ve read about the prophet Hosea in the Bible? He also went through it.

    • So true Paloma and your Writing in English is great
      Ahh the prophet Hosea yes so true I have read him numerous times maybe I need to read him again thanks for mentioning it ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😊

  3. I always try to think of the whole thing like this, the longer you hold onto it the longer it affects YOU. Men get past things very easily. My husband told me once that he thought I was more obsessed with it than he was. That was my eye-opener. He was right. He had moved on and was doing fine and proving daily that he chose me, and it was ME who was still choosing the OW. ME It was all me. Yes, he screwed up, got caught in a web he had trouble getting out of, but he did get out. None of it was easy or pleasant. But, the longer you keep a foot in the past, the harder it is to bring both feet into the present. Many hugs to you! I know you can do it!

    • It’s has been on my mind lately not affair but how I’m carrying it
      Thanks Blackcadillacs for sharing your story and your wisdom ❤️❤️❤️❤️ not sure I could be like you but I’m glad I have you ❤️❤️❤️

      • We all have each other, and that’s a great thing. We can learn a lot from each other. I love that we can all share what we’ve been through and how far we have come. That’s the most important…..keep moving forward!

    • Totally agree. But it does take as long as it takes to be ready and able to actively and consistently make choices that are less affected by the pain. That said, you do need to make a choice eventually whether you can live with this ans weave it somehow into a part of your togetherness, or live with it as part of letting go of what you desired in order to be healthy. I don’t believe love is pure or holy. It’s messy and incomplete sometimes. Love is not unconditional either. That sets us up for abuse. Love is amazing. Love can forgive a lot. But it does not mean never ending forgiveness. You have to decide (hopefully one day soon – it took me five years) which way to jump. It doesn’t mean I don’t love Roger. I do. I always will. But staying with him was making me feel I had put up with things I really felt were not forgiveable. In your case and mine, it isn’t as ‘simple’ as a distant affair. We had these women in our homes, around our children. We confided in them. We listened to their hopes, their fears. We laughed with them. We trusted them. That is hard to overcome. I believe it is harder(and hell, being betrayed is always bloody agonising!) than an affair where you didn’t know the OP.

      I hope things begin to feel clearer soon. Maybe make the choice to be all in for … a month(week? Wajtever you think you can manage?) See how you go allowing yourself a month of trust. Love. Belief. See how it feels to put he crap aside. Just for a month. And then reassess if you can find a way to weave this into something different.

      I found the hardest thing was feeling like such a bit cheaper when he did so much right. Was so helpful, understanding and loving. And I still couldn’t reach a place where I could weave the betrayal (and STIs) into out lovely nearly three decades together. That felt like failure. So bad. Still does despite me trying to give myself a break. As Roger said, “forgiveness is not a given. You have every right to be heartbroken and untrusting. It is not my right to keep your love and loyalty when I behaved so poorly.” Yep. Sad but true.

  4. I think it’s difficult because I have such big commitment issues I don’t like backing myself in a corner.. so to commit to him seems unreasonable or even to think about never bringing up the affair
    I suppose sometimes I wonder if I’m being punished because I was so terrible to myself to allow myself to stay married to Charles as long as I did.
    I wonder if being in love like I was even possible since I have changed so much and my still fumbling finding how I view marriage and this relationship between Charles and I.
    Sometimes this sounds a bit like a martyr but I mean it in the best way possible that I’m just supposed to enjoy life without the compromise of myself yet still be in this marriage because my family this unit fulfills me.
    Not that my kids and family are all I have or my dream job but my life is a block in a bigger step of the puzzle
    Hands down my kids want us together
    And yes irrational little ingrates they maybe
    We have one heck of a time as a family
    However I wonder if that is all that will be for me.
    And befriending Charles again will be as good as it gets
    And I will fly the world visiting all of you and not need a spouse with me.
    That him and I are a team
    But he is not me.
    But I also cannot discount how intertwined our lives are. And that like my counselor said not making a decision is still a decision in itself.
    I doubt I will ever be able to have the same marital relationship with a man who back stabbed me. I see potential in us being friends maybe even good friends
    But that seems a way off….
    I doubt I’ll ever leave to be honest if he continues this path of cleaning and cooking 😊
    And really I have to say my standards have improved vastly considering the dickhead I married in the start of this failed relationship
    How strange that our spouses got to experience such a euphoric new with someone who helped them self sabotage but as for us
    This new? Not really euphoric at all.. there really isn’t even a bunch of nostalgia in like “Remember when I started this blog”, I “When I chose to be committed?”
    Or even when I moved past the point of wanting to kill him or stopped praying for his imminent death to come
    No euphoria there not even on both parts
    I mean he’s glad I don’t want to kill him or her anymore or pray for his demise
    But no one is throwing any parties. That’s for damn sure
    Even when I venture out when I went to that spelling bee by myself.. it was odd but good
    Anyways point being is while my change is good it isn’t something I’m excited about it just happens
    I don’t feel like I’m rebuilding my marriage or working on our relationship

    I feel like I’m working on me when I can

    And I have no intention on dwelling too much about if I can forgive him or want to be his wife

    It’s so different than the marriage where I used to love him, but I have my own life, hopes, and dreams
    He can choose to be apart of it and so far he’s thankful I allow him to be
    I think I’m in that stage if there are any stages LOL

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