I never..

I never threw him under the bus and lied to his face.

Fucked someone else only to come shower slut off of me and pretend he was the only one for me..

If that makes me self-righteous then whatevs..

Sometimes I get that what Charles did was a mistake however it wasn’t just one time.. (not that occurrences matter) but that mistake mounted to like a mistake monster..

The lies, deception, the constant acceptance of myself that I gave to him and he took it under false pretenses..

A while back ago could be years, months, days.. not sure but I remember yelling

DID YOU EVER ONCE STOP TO THINK!!!

WOULD SHE WANT TO BE WITH ME? IF SHE KNEW WOULD SHE STILL TREAT ME LIKE THIS??!!! (this meaning a wife who adored him) SHOULD SHE BE MARRIED TO A CHEATER IS THERE NOT MORE FOR HER LIFE THAN TO BE MARRIED TO A DOUCHE LIKE ME!!

Of course his answer was No..

He didn’t even have to think about that answer.

Anyways.. A FB memory popped up and it was a few months before the whole affair situation started..

Back in Oct. 2011.. I had linked to a FB memory of a hotel we stayed out when we were dating

Charles: The Doubletree? Yes I remember. That was the weekend you tried to murder me!
NH: and look at you now.. very unmurdered 🙂
Charles: Very!!! :))
NH:I miss you.. silly me..
Sometimes the possibility of being friends with him seems reasonable. And very quickly it isn’t..
I get I’m not supposed to define him by his mistakes, or the mental abuse I endured as his wife..
And to hold those things over his head seems dumb to me.. I used to get a kick out of telling him what a loser and fuck up he was.. (trust me I wasn’t always a victim, I participated in mental and physical abuse against him as well) just because I wanted him to hurt..
Seems silly to think about it now.. How badly I wanted to hurt him as bad as he hurt me. So childish and reckless I was 2 years ago.. Because really that process of vengeance doesn’t bring empathy, but only survival.. Charles survived those moments of being attacked..
And really looking back.. Why did I need him to hurt just as bad? What kind of justice would that have been for anyone including for myself? So he hurts big deal if he wasn’t already hurting before (I’m working on using hurting instead of fucked up douche bag.. while the FUDB tagname makes me smile it isn’t kind or helping me use my other words that God provided me with). He’s like one big ol hurt baby!! I mean look at him he’s not only hurting, but is a walking, slut-boy hurting monster!!
Him being in more pain? Good grief.. Lord only knows what else kind of crazy Charles could have unleashed on our family..
I probably would have killed him if he pulled any more stupid stunts against me and been in jail.. I was so CRAZY back then!! Good grief..
Now.. not so much which is a good thing. I don’t know if my husband is still hurting. I don’t get involved with his emotions much. We talk intellectually about our faith, bible studies, how to improve our finances, pay off our mortgage.. but how he’s feeling is not one of them.
How he’s feeling isn’t a big priority of mine. How he’s acting? I’m all on that like white on rice..
And maybe that’s why he’s so awesome now is because I will not tolerate stupidness from my husband not one ounce.
I respect him, we tell each other about our days, we help each other out.. but I will not tolerate any judgement of me, care on his thoughts of ways to improve NH (unless I ask), or neglect on any part of me or this family.
So here’s to the good fight.. Ladies and Gentlemen..
❤ NH..

 

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