I don’t want to

I don’t want to go upstairs..

I get like this when it hits me.. all the feels… when I can feel my heartbreak inside of me.. suppose not my actual heart but when I maybe realize the scar.. and the hurt.. oh the hurt..

I don’t want to have dinner with my family..

I want to drive far far away..

which is not easy to do when you are in AK..

I want to laugh with my friends just so I don’t feel crazy.. that it’s not because I haven’t exercised, prayed enough, prepared enough, drank enough water..

It’s because it hurts and that’s okay..

It’s okay to still feel hurt and wonder what the fuck am I doing with him still?!!

Suppose feeling this way is the best check on re-evaluating how I’m doing with all of this still.

I’m still hurt, I’m still angry..

Not as much as I used to be..

And I can still see blessings in this pain.. which is so much better than what it was before…

But I do want to just give up tonight.. and self-sabotage with food.. and hide..

However I know that teaches me nothing personally.. it’s exercising the will to seek healthy for my family and for myself..

Time to go upstairs.. ❤



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