I don’t want to go upstairs..
I get like this when it hits me.. all the feels… when I can feel my heartbreak inside of me.. suppose not my actual heart but when I maybe realize the scar.. and the hurt.. oh the hurt..
I don’t want to have dinner with my family..
I want to drive far far away..
which is not easy to do when you are in AK..
I want to laugh with my friends just so I don’t feel crazy.. that it’s not because I haven’t exercised, prayed enough, prepared enough, drank enough water..
It’s because it hurts and that’s okay..
It’s okay to still feel hurt and wonder what the fuck am I doing with him still?!!
Suppose feeling this way is the best check on re-evaluating how I’m doing with all of this still.
I’m still hurt, I’m still angry..
Not as much as I used to be..
And I can still see blessings in this pain.. which is so much better than what it was before…
But I do want to just give up tonight.. and self-sabotage with food.. and hide..
However I know that teaches me nothing personally.. it’s exercising the will to seek healthy for my family and for myself..
Time to go upstairs.. ❤