5 years ago was my last Christmas with a faithful husband 

I guess that isn’t what I should be lamenting on is it 

But the thought hit me and well it’s hard.

Not to get out of bed or move on with life but to remember the guy I lost.

Or who I thought I had 

Yes I get it Charles failed our marriage and failed our family

This new guy is nice but it’s ever so oddly different 

In the hustle and bustle of family life he feels like home sometimes a familiar hug, his body that I have known for almost 17 years it’s all so familiar 

But he also doesn’t 

I don’t think he broke me in a sense but he broke how I see him.

A lover a friend 

Now I don’t see him as those things so much because they are also put in the jar of Charles with backstabber, liar, cheat 

Not saying he can’t change but more that it doesn’t matter if he does those things that he did to me, against me, against my children, against others for the sake of a thrill, a chase, fast cheap sex in the dark on sides of roads, in another mans bed. 

Those are him now and forever 

Just like I am a thief I have stolen 

Not proud of it but if someone ever said I couldn’t do a job or fulfill a role because I have stolen I would have to bow out 

Because it’s what I did and no matter how long ago that’s what happened and I chose that.

Ive been thinking about leaving him again, but I wonder if I’m just like the adulterer always waiting for the right time to leave their spouse, but it doesn’t ever seem like the right time and years go by

But some days I don’t want to leave. This little family we built means more to me than a awkward marriage.

Some days I wonder if the pain subsides from all of this easier divorced than staying with Charles 

I need a time out from all of this, but I wonder if that’s me running or actually taking a break 

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10 thoughts on “5 years ago was my last Christmas with a faithful husband 

  1. I’m sorry NH – this season is hard for so many reasons, especially for the memories it stirs up.

    As I read your post, I realized – this will be my FIRST Christmas with a faithful husband, out of the 25 or so we’ve spent together. As far as I know, he hasn’t had sex with anyone else for the entirety of 2016. I wonder if I should award him a medal, or at least give him
    a gold star 🤔

    Anyway – Happy Christmas to you, NH. Enjoy your family – they won’t be little forever ☃️🎅🏻🎄

    ☀️

    • Your reply is helping me form my opinion about my husband’s infidelity.
      Because in my mind once a cheat always a cheat.
      Like me I stole, now I don’t steal anymore but I still was a thief and can be classified as a thief.
      So that’s how I see my husband he tells me he isn’t sleeping with anyone and I guess it’s more like I don’t care.
      Maybe because if I put that expectation for him (which is reasonable) then he’s already broken it once so really who is the expectation for him, me, us?

      It isn’t for me personally would it be nice if he wasn’t a slimy adulterer yes but if he happens to slip then I just would move on. Not like I haven’t already moved on from him, because I have in so many ways in my heart and mind

      But anyways back to thinking my husband can be faithful..
      I don’t ever call him that not sure I could ever call him faithful
      No matter how long he claims he isn’t sleeping with someone.
      Do I accuse him? No but I don’t not accuse him either.
      I wouldn’t put it past him and I wouldn’t put it past myself that I am too busy or sometimes too involved with my family to forget what he’s capable of and not notice the signs of him sleeping behind my back.
      You brought up a great idea about how you see faithfulness in your husband.
      It’s interesting and one I will think on more

      • I guess for me, I’ve chosen to give him the chance to prove to me every day that he isn’t going to cheat again. I didn’t have to, but since I have, I need to see the good along with the bad. So, I guess we’re starting from scratch, so he gets to wear the “faithful” label, which is why I’m glad I remembered that this is our first Christmas 🙂 I know that this is the only chance I’ll allow, and if he slips, I’m out. But for me to heal, I need to try to see the positive changes in H and let them instruct my judgement, because what’s been done can’t be changed. Living in the past is exhausting and sad, and I’m tired of being tired and sad. It’s just not who I am.

        You’re going to figure this out – just keep being kind to yourself.
        ☀️

    • No. I don’t think the dates will ever not be burnt into my brain. Even separated they don’t lose their sting. Generally I don’t make a big deal about them, but you always feel them, silently, knowing what each day marks. You just forge on. Christmas is tough. And I am on my own this year, for the first time ever. Very weird feeling thinking about how it will be just another day. I loved Christmas. He is a grinch. But somehow decided this year he needed the kids. Whatever.

  2. I too look back as in “before and after”, when we were a couple and when it was that we became marked with the red letter of “affair and betrayal”. I get what you mean about seeing him differently. I see my H differently now, sort of the opposite of rose coloured glasses. Changing how you view someone, when the reality is they are so very flawed, is completely sad and I miss the innocence of our earlier life but then, maybe that was just an illusion I built for myself.

    I miss the fact that we now have a broken marriage in need of repair and that others know this. I honestly don’t know if I will ever love him in the same way again….but I am soldiering onward until I have a answer that satisfies me. Maybe that is what you are waiting for. The definitive answer. Not sure if we will ever get that.

    Be kind to yourself, listen to your heart, its voice will get clearer over time I hope.

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