I guess that isn’t what I should be lamenting on is it
But the thought hit me and well it’s hard.
Not to get out of bed or move on with life but to remember the guy I lost.
Or who I thought I had
Yes I get it Charles failed our marriage and failed our family
This new guy is nice but it’s ever so oddly different
In the hustle and bustle of family life he feels like home sometimes a familiar hug, his body that I have known for almost 17 years it’s all so familiar
But he also doesn’t
I don’t think he broke me in a sense but he broke how I see him.
A lover a friend
Now I don’t see him as those things so much because they are also put in the jar of Charles with backstabber, liar, cheat
Not saying he can’t change but more that it doesn’t matter if he does those things that he did to me, against me, against my children, against others for the sake of a thrill, a chase, fast cheap sex in the dark on sides of roads, in another mans bed.
Those are him now and forever
Just like I am a thief I have stolen
Not proud of it but if someone ever said I couldn’t do a job or fulfill a role because I have stolen I would have to bow out
Because it’s what I did and no matter how long ago that’s what happened and I chose that.
Ive been thinking about leaving him again, but I wonder if I’m just like the adulterer always waiting for the right time to leave their spouse, but it doesn’t ever seem like the right time and years go by
But some days I don’t want to leave. This little family we built means more to me than a awkward marriage.
Some days I wonder if the pain subsides from all of this easier divorced than staying with Charles
I need a time out from all of this, but I wonder if that’s me running or actually taking a break