I still cry

Some would say I haven’t moved on but some things get to me.

Like when I know a couple I truly know a couple and they have fun play and adore each other 

They went on a well deserved vacay 

And I remember wanting to spend every minute with him 

Wanting to get away with him 

Loving him that my heart just could burst 

He no longer gives me butterflies and I no longer feel much of anything anymore for him 

But when I notice.. 

and I know that kind of glitter exists for other couples it’s rather beautiful 

And I’d be a liar to say I wasn’t a tad envious 

But I’m crying not so much out of sadness but just I guess because it’s sad does that make sense 

Remembering what I felt for him was magic no matter if it wasn’t reciprocated 

I remember what I felt and I find it sad I may never feel that again 

But I find strength that I am not bitter about it and can press on without going into a big terrible depression 

Without screaming how much I hate him.

Because a part of me still does, her too 

But it no longer keeps me for long and I can just work through my hate and sadness and get on with the rest of my life❤❤❤

Much love to you all 

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7 thoughts on “I still cry

  1. I get it. I dont really cry about it anymore cuz I dont go that deep into that thought process anymore but I too, miss that loving feeling. I still love my husband but it is soooo totally different. Its not that head over heels, tummy tickling, unconditional, so in love with you – love – know what I am saying. I am pretty sure I will never feel that type of love-connection with him again. Yet, I still love him. In the beginning of this shit-storm, I would read how the marriage was dead, the one pre-affair, and I would be like “huh- oh blah” but I so get it now. Things will never be the same, they can still be good, even better (I guess) but there is something missing in mine…and really, I think… its me. I mean I am there…yet so not, at the same time :/

    • Yeah I think it’s both me and him. Sure he is a remorseful spouse I get it, but he’s still pretty stupid when it comes to how I feel about all of this. Maybe I shouldn’t call him that but he has sympathy but no empathy. I’m not sure if that is who he is, but I’m just so unsure if he understands that all his good intentions or grand thoughts about our marriage can be better is just so irritating to me
      He doesn’t seem to take into the account that this is all changed for me. He is so changed to me.
      I don’t trust him probably never will.
      I don’t want to go do special things alone with him
      I’d rather be by myself

      • “He doesn’t seem to take into the account that this is all changed for me. He is so changed to me.”… yup! I am unsure if my husband gets it either. Its not really about him anymore…its that I am different. I have changed. …

  2. Makes total sense. I get it. For me, 30 years in, kids grown, we were more in a comfortable place. I remember the days of being really excited inside to see him, etc… earlier days, but my love had grown into a super comfortable and content feeling and that suited 50-year-old me. I mean of course sex is still exciting so to speak, but love, love is a different thing. He broke that. He broke the comfortable part that was mine. He knows that and hates it, but what is done cannot be changed. Sure our partnership can be different, but it can never be the same. I liked what it was. 💔 xo

  3. At 5 years in I realised that although I still loved Rog, a lot, I wasn’t ever going to get a ‘better relationship’ or that lovely, warm, safe trust and delicious love and physical lust for him back. Not only that, but I was still grieving. Big time. For me, I had to start the extremely hard process of reversing what I had been doing for those 5 years in trying to rebuild our wonderful, close connection, and mindfully disconnect. It has been hard. Very hard. I still love him. But was miserable in my loss. I’m not suggesting this is the route for everyone, merely that it is an option I took. With a loving, embarrassed, empathetic reformed cheater. (He had been cheated on before, but not after nearly 30 mostly lovely years together, so his ’empathy’ was and us not ‘complete’ – and he understands that he can’t really know my pain fully.) Cheating is a shit storm that never really ends. It calms, as T says, the tears and extreme emotions settle down to a fair degree. But it never leaves. It has stained my life and my version of our magnificent love story to the degree that I just could not continue. I still haven’t found the key to any peace. Maybe I never will. But I had to do something to move off the shelf I found I was stuck on.

  4. I think m incapable of ever loving my husband again. It’s been nearly five years. I love him like a best friend. My life is comfortable and the only thing I want for is intimacy. I refuse to give it, so I guess it’s not a surprise it’s lacking in my life.

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