Pain and revisiting 

I brought some flowers and chocolates to a pal of mine who’s husband is coming home from a deployment.

I wanted to encourage her and support her as her husband is coming home tomorrow

And as I am driving back from said mission I remembered 

Being that wife gearing up to bring her husband home. Get the house in shape, get fav foods, and just be.

It’s painful remembering how I loved Charles 

I think it always will be 

It’s also a painful reminder of time wasted nothing was ever good enough for him anyway.

A reminder of a girl who fell in love with the wrong boy 

And I spiral why wasn’t I strong enough, smart enough, confident enough to have seen what a jack ass Charles was??

I wanted to walk away so many times in the beginning of our marriage 

I didn’t 

UGH

Spilt milk 

Anyways the pain is something I will pray about 

While I do miss him i hate to lead him on thinking as if he could be such a significant part of my life 

Maybe he will be in time I’m open to that I’m also open to still thinking he will die before me or we will part at a later date 

So there’s that

At times like these I remember to revisit who I am and what I’m doing 

I am a daughter of the King and am learning to love Jesus and myself 

My strengths and character are not tied to my marriage 

They never were 

I have to remember as the pain comes of living with a backstabber, also the revisiting of who I am and what I no longer ever have to deal with in my life 

I will not be put down ever 

Disrespected

Or belittled for the sake of a marriage ever 

I have to revisit all that I have gained instead on focusing on the lost 

I think I’ve moved on from the loss of marrying a coward but more the loss of my sweet 20 yr old self and mismanaging my life and time.

Forgiving myself is the next step in this journey 

I can feel it❤❤❤❤

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7 thoughts on “Pain and revisiting 

  1. On the other side of your story- the flip side- the one where I walked away and have the kid. I can say that everything you are feeling you would still feel. Is it really ourselves that cause the pain? I could have written your post. Going on 3 years of separation 1 year officially divorced. and I still have triggers that bring the flooding of:

    “It’s also a painful reminder of time wasted nothing was ever good enough for him anyway.

    A reminder of a girl who fell in love with the wrong boy

    And I spiral why wasn’t I strong enough, smart enough, confident enough to have seen what a jack ass Charles was??”

    As I watch my husband, yes ex, but mine, marry the girl who he had the affair with AND watch her raise our child that she was so proud to hold when she was a week old. In my presence together they watched me be a first time mom, together they adored our child in secret, together they became one as we became three. Maybe I should talk about reality more? Maybe I should work out all of the kinks. I know I have my hang ups, and I know this life is the better life for me, but after reading your post, your honesty (thank you), I believe that deep down I am right there with you. I need to recognize that I might be over marrying a coward but I am not over the life I was robbed of, even if it was what I settled for.

    Keep working! God is good! you are going to get there!

    (also, Steven Furtick just did an amazing sermon on “the middle”….I HIGHLY recommend. )

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