Good Enough

After sex today he says 

“You are so good”

And my mind just went 

“Not good enough”

I feel like I need to equate how this whole affair thing has changed me to other things that have changed me and rocked my world.

Having a mother who didn’t love me as a little girl because she too was not loved as a little girl and wanted desperately to live for herself. 

Joining the military 

Getting married 

Being a Mom

I was going to write an update to A friend of mine who I told.

She went through something similar.

Now she’s remarried and they post the cutest things 

And I wanted to tell her I wish things were better, or that i would be over it by now 

But I never sent the email

Because I don’t wish things were better or that I would be over this 

I don’t want either of those things because things are pretty darn good for me right now 

Yup still married to an adulterer not married to my best friend 

But frivolities I have food, shelter, and jusy bought $121 dollars in fake jewelry 

Because I liked it 

Our family is going to America Samoa 

All of my family 

My Direct Sales business is doing WAY better this time than the last time.

School is going okay 

I joined a gym learning to take care of myself 

I don’t wish I was over affair

It still hurts 

I suppose the whole over part isn’t really a thing it’s more like a point in time 

Like when I got out of the military, quit my job to stay home, things that made me cry and changed me so much 

I think this after affair stuff is like that for me 

I’m sure the triggers will always be there it’s strange the way they come out. Like the name Jessie it was the name of a pair of earrings I liked and I couldn’t buy them. I want nothing to do with any names that associate me with that family 

I just can’t

Or when Emily points out these dark blue orchids at Safeway and I look at them and think those are the flowers Bob gave Kendra. 

And I look away. 

Or I see on the internet a family getting their kids to write up steps to a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. I did that for my boy and Bobs son when they were small. 

They weren’t getting along and I had them do that as an activity. 

I totally forgot that until I saw that clip 

I doubt I ever really will forget 

Or be over anything 

There is just less passion and grief behind it. 

Charles tells Bell while holding her “I would never want to hurt you” and I think you already did what’s to stop you again? 

Of course I didn’t say that out loud 

Or dwelled on it.

Time for bed 

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7 thoughts on “Good Enough

  1. Sometimes when he says “you are so good” he means “you are so good” and that’s it. You just analyzes everything because you are still hurt. But the difference between your older posts and now are unbelievable. You came so far.

    I think you will forget these things with time. Like 5-10 years? We can not choose to forget or move on it just happens when we don’t realize.

    You break my heart when you said you wish things were not better. Things are better and it will continue to be better with time. I know I’m a dreamer, bad things happened to me too as a little girl, but I still have faith! I have faith in you too NH.

    Xx

  2. Immediately think about him saying similar things to her. He swears that he didn’t but I don’t believe him- he thought of her as his best friend, had feelings for her and I end up in tears! It’s hard- I know, I get it but you are doing a great job of keeping focused on the positives now. I think we just have to expect some days and nights will be harder than others! Big Hugs to you!!

  3. Weirdly, intimacy – in all its forms, but especially sex – was not any major problem for me in the aftermath – the first five years. I think I must have a sort of competitive nature? I was affected, of course, but I felt incredibly close and connected with him. The sex had always been off-the-scale for both of us – yes, even through the child-bearing years, even through his affair, when I had no clue. We definitely experienced prolonged hysterical bonding as well. I wonder if it was because I knew the OW, and her coldness, so it was easy for me to believe him saying she was cold, and the sex was vanilla – actually, FAR worse than vanilla. But, at the five year mark, I lost my mojo. I loathe my body, and all all it is not. And I hate myself for thinking that way, because I have always been about trying to be body positive, not just for me, but for my kids. So, I lost the ability to feel sexy, to feel sexual. It’s not that I don’t want sex, I just know now that when anything sexual happens, I feel dirty, used, discarded, I feel nauseous. But most of all, dirty. It’s the HPV and CIN changes, having my cervix scraped and burned just creates the most appalling pictures for me. I am a VERY visual person, I SEE sex, I SEE them fucking, I SEE his hands, his lips, his tongue all over and in her. I SEE her sweating and gasping. I SEE her diseased, pus-filled body. But, I also SEE them raping me. I haven’t found a way to get those very strong images out of the way to get back to enjoying my body, my own pleasure. Even on my own!

    One of the phrases that kept popping up during our good MC was my “not good enough” that kept running through my head. I KNEW I was wrong, it wasn’t ME that was “not good enough,” but I couldn’t seem to let it go. And I am totally infuriated about that, because I was the best fucking partner I know! I worked, loved, laughed and fucked hard with him. What did she do? She whinged, withheld, turned her nose up at his jokes, and didn’t even know how to – no, she just wasn’t interested, because it is all about her, so she never made any effort – please him properly sexually, to really get him going. She was whiny, controlling, and not at all loving, he knew that then, and kept going back to her. Attractive, huh? I mean, WTF? So, why am I “not good enough” when HE was not good enough to love me in the way that I adored him? To stay faithful and true when it got a bit hard? He’s the one who was pathetic, and didn’t stay the course, or talk to me about his worries. I did. I kept talking about our changes and how to stay connected when we no longer worked together. He just ran off to another vagina for comfort because mine was no longer on tap 24/7. The ability of some people to just fuck whatever is in front of them, without any quality, without any connection, I don’t have that. He does.

    The thing is, I understand what you mean when you say that you don’t wish you were over the affair. I don’t think I feel that way, but I do empathise with the feeling. It is your brain telling you that if you are “over it” then it doesn’t matter anymore, that he hurt you. It is your way of protecting yourself, of trying to salve your wounds. Unfortunately, it also keeps us stuck and trapped in not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to fully love again. I wish I knew how to unstick us, how to be one of those betrayeds who is able to “get over it” in the sense that it isn’t a constant. I now know, approaching eight years later (FAAAAAARK!) that I will never be over it, I will never love like I did, and that my life is less because I have been unable to get to that point. It doesn’t mean my life doesn’t matter, or has no point, but it is changed in ways that I haven’t fully been able to adjust to make “better” – not yet, I don’t think I ever will really.

    Sorry for the novel, NH.

    • I love the novel Paula.. loved every word and grieved where I needed as well.
      I definitely feel sexy and feel sensual but I’m only at year three but I’m not truly committed to him
      I wonder if I ever will be?

      • True. I wonder if the lack of commitment does have an effect on our embodied sensuality? Possibly. You can keep the hurt at arms’ length? I think my slide happened when I got tired. Tired of fighting the mind movies. Tired of keeping the rape separate from the affair in compartments that refused to stay contained. And then it all crashed together and made a hell of a mess. I am doing a lot better. But it continues to be hard. Sort of surprises me. I thought life was busy and sometimes a bit hard before. But not this grind!

  4. I too also think those thoughts. When OH tells me I am beautiful and how much he loves me, my immediate thought is “Not enough to prevent you lusting after another woman and writing nauseating poetry about her ‘beauty and mind’ and ‘your smile making me feel that life has a reason’ etc etc”.

    Makes me want to puke.

    Like you, I cannot see me ever being over this. Sending love. X

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