After sex today he says
“You are so good”
And my mind just went
“Not good enough”
I feel like I need to equate how this whole affair thing has changed me to other things that have changed me and rocked my world.
Having a mother who didn’t love me as a little girl because she too was not loved as a little girl and wanted desperately to live for herself.
Joining the military
Being a Mom
I was going to write an update to A friend of mine who I told.
She went through something similar.
Now she’s remarried and they post the cutest things
And I wanted to tell her I wish things were better, or that i would be over it by now
But I never sent the email
Because I don’t wish things were better or that I would be over this
I don’t want either of those things because things are pretty darn good for me right now
Yup still married to an adulterer not married to my best friend
But frivolities I have food, shelter, and jusy bought $121 dollars in fake jewelry
Because I liked it
Our family is going to America Samoa
All of my family
My Direct Sales business is doing WAY better this time than the last time.
School is going okay
I joined a gym learning to take care of myself
I don’t wish I was over affair
It still hurts
I suppose the whole over part isn’t really a thing it’s more like a point in time
Like when I got out of the military, quit my job to stay home, things that made me cry and changed me so much
I think this after affair stuff is like that for me
I’m sure the triggers will always be there it’s strange the way they come out. Like the name Jessie it was the name of a pair of earrings I liked and I couldn’t buy them. I want nothing to do with any names that associate me with that family
I just can’t
Or when Emily points out these dark blue orchids at Safeway and I look at them and think those are the flowers Bob gave Kendra.
And I look away.
Or I see on the internet a family getting their kids to write up steps to a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. I did that for my boy and Bobs son when they were small.
They weren’t getting along and I had them do that as an activity.
I totally forgot that until I saw that clip
I doubt I ever really will forget
Or be over anything
There is just less passion and grief behind it.
Charles tells Bell while holding her “I would never want to hurt you” and I think you already did what’s to stop you again?
Of course I didn’t say that out loud
Or dwelled on it.
Time for bed