Complicated..

As in not a Facebook status but in life.

Probably a better word complex.

Tonight I broke Squish’s heart she was just spitting on our floor, then lied, then confessed.

I used to hold so many things.

Resentment, regret, anger, over the silliest of things.

I often wonder would I go back? Is this strange ride of being me (frankly it’s always been strange) would I rather be in love with Charles than this?

What we have is like an awkward growth phase.

Like when I thought cutting my hair really short before I got to my first duty station was a good idea. I looked like a frizzed out mushroom.

It seemed like it took forever to grow out and there were more awkward moments couldn’t put it in a ponytail, then I almost could, then I could but I looked like Pebbles from the Flinstones, then it was a strange length because I was afraid to cut it again..

Just awkward.

Today I was called mean and I don’t think I was being that particularly, but I apologized because really I wasn’t being nice.

I wasn’t thinking of his feelings.

I wasn’t treating him as if he was a human.

And no matter how hurt I am from Charles, I want to treat him as he’s human.

I remember Rizzo telling me for kicks and jokes she offered for her and I to some food and I said “Oh Charles doesn’t like that” and she was all really who cares what the cheating husband wants to eat. LOL!! Don’t make me paint Rizz in a weird light she loves us both dearly and I never could understand why she cared for Charles at the time. I understand now.

But anyways realistically no one should have to eat crappy food, it’s just how I am.

Even if they are adulterers..

Alright time to organize my desk or look up more recipes for my business, or take a shower.. or do none of the above LOL!!

Love

NH

 

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