We talked like on day 2 when he was gone now its day 5 

I just don’t want to

I’m not interested in his day

I’m not interested in what he’s doing or what he’s eating 

I’m not interested in calling him and having the children talk to him

Just don’t care 

I’m not sure why 

I also feel a bit guilty like I should try more, like even though I don’t want to 

Like counting calories even though I don’t want to 

I should try more but I don’t want to 

And then I think I’m overthinking this

There are better uses of my time! 

😂😂😂

I did cry tonight 

The boy (14)

Just wanted some attention

So I rubbed his back and played all the songs that he used to love as a baby. He was such a crier but these ladies could shut my baby up for a little while at least 😂😂😂

Leona Naess, Sarah McLaughlan, Norah Jones 

And as he drifted off I cried

I remember that Mom trying to comfort her first born

I remember the wife who used to be so excited about her husband in every way 

Gosh I still grieve over how I loved Charles

And sure some could say you can still love him now,

But I wonder if I’m either not capable, or I just can’t 

Like how I just can’t with black licorice, or not laugh when someone says don’t laugh 

And then I think is this the love so many talk about 

The kind of sacrificial love like Jesus dying on the cross? 

Not to compare but just as a reference of love

What I thought was love was not love

No matter how much I loved him 

What we had was not love 

It was lust and some sick codependent game it would seem 

Now what do we have 

4 adorable children 

A love for our church, God, and our family 

And also I think a love for each other 

There is not guilt 

No shame 

No awkwardness of control 

We seem to respect each other and support each other 

But it’s so far removed from the butterflies and glitter I once knew 

I used to be so thankful for him 

And I am now just in different ways 

None of them being his wife ways 

I wonder if that time will come 

Or it may never…

Alright off to bed ❤❤❤

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3 thoughts on “We talked like on day 2 when he was gone now its day 5 

  1. “We seem to respect each other and support each other
    But it’s so far removed from the butterflies and glitter I once knew”

    Completely agree with out on that NH. X

  2. I feel like the investment mix has changed, like a stock portfolio. You invested deep and heavily because you thought the long term gains and payout and agenda seemed sound. Then you lost it all in the crash of whoremageddon and what you have left is far less, and you cannot invest as deeply, and you also spread it around- some is with Charles but some is retained and spread to other areas because you can’t get the shaft a second time. You diversified. He is less of a risk, and also thus has less influence on your heart.

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