Starting over 

I’m not good at it. 

It took me years to recover from making one crappy blueberry pie 

I didn’t start pie making again until at least 10 years later

Same for cinnamon rolls 

I made a few terrible batches and I was over it 

Starting over food tracking, exercising, meal planning 

See a pattern?? 😂 

Anyways I saw this article 

http://www.gracewhilewewait.com/www.gracewhilewewait.com/dearhusbandilovedyoufirst

And the regret didn’t instantly return that I’m still with Charles but I know what I have, don’t have, and romanticize about.

Suppose I think I do.

And I don’t have an I loved you first mentality now 

I used to.. but good grief who used whoremagedden?? But yes this word turned my history with Charles sour. 

I hate ever meeting him sometimes. I look back and think what the hell NH??!! 

Same for Kendra too WTF??

Anyways way less about her which is great what’s supposed to happen right treacherous snakes 🐍 have no place.

Ahhh but then there’s Charles 

And to categorize him.. I have better things to do with my time but he is most def not in my I loved you first category 

I used to be so excited for date nights with him. 

Nope not so much.. I look forward to date nights with myself 

It’s awkward at first but not terrible 

Starting over that’s how Charles sees this that we can fall in love all over again 

The hope that, this man has for our relationship is pretty impressive 

The I will wait for you speeches, the taking care of dinners and things without being an asshole.

Like today I was so angry at our boy, our daughter just normal kid/mom stuff and my Dad 

I left early to my meeting no dinner plan in sight. He took the kids out to dinner and sent me pictures of them smiling. 

I do not hate him so much and the hate I used to have has just kind of evolved into me exploring myself as to what is emotionally and physically going on with me.

I think this is what starting over is for me And Charles 

I still think it’s sad 

I want a love story 

I mean who doesn’t want to be head over heels in love with their spouse??

Crap don’t answer that!! 😂😂😂

We all know who!! Well most of you reading my blog do (not funny/ kinda funny)

But I mean I loved being in love with Charles I loved feeling special like what we have is special and just over the top our story 

Ever seen a sign saying 

“Our story is my favorite story”

And this is not my favorite story when speaking about Charles 

Not at all. 

Our love story sucks in my opinion 

And I guess that’s the starting over part 

Where I can say that and not be so emotionally crazed to want to take him out. 

That I can accept my marriage, my love story is more of 

I am choosing to stay in the bed I made 

There are things I am thankful for even in this bed which I thought was super awesome turned into some sort of smothering device tried to take me out mattress but couldn’t!! 

I envy a life story like the one mentioned in the link

And the fact that I envy it is more of a red flag on my own version of a love story 

Why do I feel this way?

What appeals to me most about it? 

And accepting starting over or possibly never having a love story like I wanted will I be okay with that?

Because there is no history in how we were married, or how we met.

I would rather not say or talk about it coming up on the day the marriage license was stamped. Or even my life with Charles prior to affair or even now. 

He’s a part of a really sad moment in my life. I lost many years being a wife. I don’t plan on losing anymore. 

Lots to learn 

When your starting over..

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