The start of the letters..Charles needs to know

Dear Charles,

The book I’m recently reading told me to tell you how your affair has and is affecting me now through a letter. I want to treat you like a human instead of someone who has hurt me and stabbed me in the back. Finding that balance to see you has a sinful human than the backstabber is difficult for me. Sometimes I take pleasure in asking you to count your losses in our relationship. I enjoy seeing you sad because of your foolish choices. I enjoy seeing your loss in what you miss about us. I wish I didn’t have to think about how evil I have let myself venture to because of this nonsense fully welcomed into my own bed, marriage, and life.

I am thankful you are dense enough to have an affair in such a grotesque way but that denseness did not follow you into such a false reality of you knowing that I still do very much hate you.

Would you believe me if I told you that I wish I didn’t? As you remember our losses I remember them too, but of course yours and mine are different.

I miss looking at you and just being so happy you are in my presence instead of someone I tolerate. I miss not even being aware of the presence of affairs within marriages. Now I know how prevalent they are good grief had I knew all of this I would have not been surprised you are the affair type. Cowardice was something you were drawn too and apparently something I was attracted too.

The words that Kendra was never worth it are music to my ears. However the words in my head that you are not worth the pain, the tears, or my time is something I battle now.

Our relationship was never that great and I fought for crumbs in our marriage. I cannot believe how sad I was to fight for your attention with bible studies, couples studies, date nights.. Why did I allow myself to sink so low? How did I allow myself to become such a nobody for love for this marriage?

Now I’m being posed with the idea of my hardened heart against you? Do I have a hardened heart against you? You bet I do. However is it necessary that this marriage be the softener? Are you in my life because God wants you there or am I creating another imaginary space for myself. Yes, I imagined me being married to a man of integrity. A faithful husband and father.

Dreams smashed, yet I can still call the broken beautiful right? Isn’t that what Hobby Lobby and many China imports tell me. Life is not perfect but still can be wonderful. This is our Story.

I do love you, but I hate you too.

You are the worst man I have ever loved and now with four children I am tied to you for life.

I wish I never was your wife, and I also wish that thought never crossed my mind.

I used to be proud I was your wife, I am no longer. Being with you causes me to wonder if I’m even proud of myself, can I even stomach myself.

What kind of woman have I become?

Ugh you guys see why I need to practice this letter writing? I’m all over the place.. more to come

 

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4 thoughts on “The start of the letters..Charles needs to know

  1. NH, your writings are amoungst the few that really say it like it is. Rambling or not… your words are powerful and portray the real agony of being us.
    This parallel world we now live in is overwhelmingly dis-integrating. It dis- integrates our hearts, minds and bodies. We are dis-integrated by it.
    We cannot NOT be disintegrated. Write on NH! X

    INTEGRATE
    combine (one thing) with another so that they become a whole.
    synonyms: combine, amalgamate, merge, unite, fuse, blend, mingle, coalesce, consolidate, meld, intermingle, mix; More
    incorporate, unify, assimilate, homogenize;
    desegregate.
    DISINTEGRATE
    break up into small parts, typically as the result of impact or decay.
    “when the missile struck, the car disintegrated in a sheet of searing flame”
    synonyms: break up, break apart, fall apart, fall to pieces, fragment, fracture, shatter, splinter; More
    explode, blow up, blow apart, fly apart;
    crumble, deteriorate, decay, decompose, rot, molder, perish, dissolve, collapse, go to rack and ruin, degenerate; to be smashed to smithereens.

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