It’s been awhile

Let’s start with the quick deets

Charles and I are still together

So busy with side hustles Pampered Chef and I decided to get into selling little girls dresses

So entrprenuershipping on I know that isn’t a word

A blogger named E commented on my post from 2 years ago and I could read it all the way through without feeling like I want to die or wanted Charles to die or hoped Kendra would fall off a cliff or something

I read it all and agreed with every word

I wish I could go back and do all the things many lovely betrayed told me then. Be kind to myself. Take it easy Being the person I was and given the sucky husband I had I didn’t know how.

Sometimes I wonder with the way I grew up that I needed to find a destructive man who will hold me back the controlling, sad comments, lackluster of adoration to me that felt comfortable

But anyways finding out how the milk spilt is just a partial solution.

I know how to be kind to myself now and working on that.

Doing things I enjoy and finding things I enjoy

Building my faith

Loving my family

The affair will always come up

At odd times, at picked times as well

I still think of Kendra not on purpose but when my mind plays tricks on me and remembers her on the oddest of things.

I’m still sad she is even a memory I wish I could forget she ever existed. Memories of her serve me no purpose

Charles and I laugh together he tells me he loves me and sometimes I say it back sometimes I don’t

Lately I’ve been thinking about the naivety of how I wish I saw him and how it won’t ever be.

Charles is not a man I would trust with my heart all of me ever again.

He’s such an outer fixture, temporary

When I married him how I loved that boy and how I love him now is so different.

Well just checking in

Still here

Not hanging on but living and enjoying life not because I’m with Charles but because I’m loving God and thankful for my life and my family

Till next time


10 thoughts on “It’s been awhile

  1. Do you think you’re just waiting for him to cut the shit and ask to leave? Do you think a life of half measures is right for either of you? Meaning… being with him isn’t fulfilling for you. And he will probably never feel like you actually love him? You have mentioned just waiting for him to screw up again. Is that really a good way? (Not being sarcastic. Personally struggling with the same shit.)

    • No I don’t wait for him at all.
      He is on my mind the least and I fight my own destructive nature to not look at or think of her. I think I used to think this is dumb it would be better off leaving him because how is this fulfilling? I guess it’s fulfilling because he is awesome in the treatment of me well i question myself when I get the chance if I actually know if people are being kind to me especially him I put up with his narcissism way too long and didn’t know it
      I get massages all the time
      He cooks he cleans
      He barely bags and if he does we can talk about it
      Probably because I don’t care

    • I don’t care if I don’t clean to his standards
      I’m not bothered if I make food he doesn’t like to eat
      I’m not concerned with his happiness at work
      I’m really not concerned at all with how he is on a personal level
      I am concerned how he treats me
      I am also concerned in how I treat him because I am called to not be an asshat and if I practice asshaterry well most of us know it eats at us too and all we hold dear
      Do I long for the naivety of what once? How I pined for him? How the very sight of him made my heart a flutter? Or to even feel that with someone else? Yes yes yes 1,000 times yes
      But then I would be living solely for myself and I have 4 little blessings that count on their family
      I sometimes struggle with the idea that I’m some old timey gal who just stayed with her husband due to responsibilities rather than love and how my 20 year old self would look at me with such judgement
      But being 38 and knowing better and knowing what I want
      I like my life
      I can sleep in as much as I’d like
      I am taken care of
      My children are read bed time stories by their father
      We have family movie night
      And I’m at the point in my life to think of my 20 year old self and give her the finger for her judgment because our 15 year old son needs his Dad daily and I could never volunteer, be president of our children’s school board, make meals for families, being in direct sales, start a business with son,all while keeping a career and being a single mother. I would not have the time or the resources. If he walks out he won’t have disappointed me at all. He seems to mean what he claims but his life and mine are separate on so many things, but we are together by many things too.
      I would love to say it’s a black and white issue my marriage but that doesn’t seem to be the case and it’s a bummer and pretty cool all at the same time

  2. Glad you’re still hanging in there, NH. Me too. For me, it will never be like it was… that butterflies in the tummy feeling, loving him with every atom of my being. I haven’t told OH that I love him for 2 years now, because I don’t really know if I do, and I don’t want to be a liar. Lying was what he did. And that destroyed the us that I believed in 100%. Sucks! Much love. X

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