Christmas

I used to pine over gifts for him.

I did not do that this year and feel no guilt in what I gave him.

I thought it was cool.

It was a magnetic flashlight with a hook

I got a diamond bracelet and lip sense! I love me some lip sense nowadays!

Christmas felt so weird

So fast

And yet it’s the same

Charles and I argued over gift giving for the kids

We made it work

We bought presents for a family who is having a hard time but I feel like we will do things different next year

My Dad made steak it was delicious

I wonder if its the note I found behind my kids picture that was the last bit of memory left of what my marriage was

It was going to visit Kendra for Jessie’s Birthday with my kids but feeling bad for leaving husband I made him a scavenger hunt

That was my warped reality but it really was me visiting his mistress’s house and his mistress being such a sucky hostess to me.

So the note behind the picture just put me for a spin

I found it because the picture of our adorable middles who were 2 and under 1 at the time the frame had dropped on the floor.

And putting the frame together revealed the note

Ahh I was pretty upset

Why because fuck him! I still get pretty pissed at the both of us

I hate remembering how I loved him and how he meant the world to me.

I hate remembering how hard I worked to look inside our marriage while he did not care what I did with his mistress. But oh he sure played the part of victim husband!

Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit

Anyways he’s on this Keto diet and he’s cooking so that is GREAT

Seriously I love it.

T you asked me about focusing on what me and Charles have now.

To focus on that.. it’s been interesting reading your take on matters and mine😊 So Happy for you and baby❤️❤️❤️ and your relationship with the hubs

Mine is still so conditional but on my terms

Charles is handsome, kind, a good Dad but doesn’t make my heart skip a beat he’s just a male

I enjoy his companionship in areas of our kids, our church

But I’m not in love with him right now at least and I know that fluctuates with me.

Which means the love I have for him is conditional. Not real lasting love

There are no better offers on the table😂😂😂

So I choose to stay

I’m thankful for my family

For a husband who claims he isn’t a coward anymore and no longer will put our family in jeopardy for his selfish needs.

For his involvement with the kids.

For my love for my Savior Jesus Christ

For learning about myself and finding me…

Merry Christmas everyone and here’s to 2018

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4 thoughts on “Christmas

  1. Aw – thank you so much! I dont know if its this baby in me or what but I feel good about my marriage again. I feel loved even. He is so good to me anymore (Its kinda pathetic that I used to allow him to be any other way to me ). I hesitate to brag about “us” and him cuz I am scared to be backstabbed again – that shit was so torturous yet, I know what he did was years ago, I have really beat him up for it long enough. He has showed and tried and tried again to prove to me how sorry he is and still to this day proving that he truly is sorry and that he really does loves me. Guess thats what I mean by try and focus on the “now”. You two are passed the disclosure. You two are still together. But by now, its been 3 years, if you are not feeling a joyful, happy feeling, maybe the spark is dead, IDK – that is something only you know but if your just there with him cuz there isnt any other options – maybe make some other options and see if thats what is best for you . Good luck my blogging friend!! xoxo

    • I’m so happy for you and the man! Your words seem filled with joy❤️❤️❤️
      No I don’t feel like I’m out of options I just don’t want to be divorced and am kind of just making my bed and lying in it
      Charles does treat me amazing and my life is pretty awesome but as for being in love
      Just isn’t there
      He’s fun to have sex with
      He is fun to shop with
      He’s becoming a good cook
      But meh on the in Love part
      Maybe it’s just me
      But I feel like such an old bitty in saying there is so much more to life than being in love
      We serve each other
      I serve him out of obedience to God and sometimes because I want to.
      I’m not interested in destroying my family for feelings especially lack thereof 😂😂😂
      Just spending money and enjoying life figuring out where to serve others and learning to smile more
      And you are right this summer will be 4 years since finding out the truth.
      I don’t plan on loving him again, I made a mistake in marrying him, and I stick by that.
      I have kids and a family with a man I’m not in love with.

      I think some would find that sad to never find love again or to be with a man you aren’t in love with.

      If you saw me out in life I’m sure you would not find me sad but the opposite.
      Charles and I still fight and right now we are quite distanced
      But he’s not trapped here and nor am I.
      Sometimes I wonder if I will have wasted my life with Charles and just left him

      But then I see my sons face and my kids and being married to a man who you are not in love with falls second to me. I built so much of this family while Charles tore so much down. I feel like such a scorned bitch but now he will watch me do as I please. He has no hold on me.

      Charles wants to stay married for his reasons and I have mine

      I will not be surprised if this marriage dissolves or thrives

      I’m up for the challenge of either and in that I find much happiness indeed.

      Once again so happy for your new bundle!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ and I love reading your replies! I try to keep up with everyone and it seems our crew dwindles by the minute which I can’t tell is good or bad.
      Here’s to the New Year
      ❤️NH

      • …I get what you are saying…How you look at your kids and the happiness your husband brings them or just what the family as a whole does for them…I feel you! I think divorce sounds like shit too. Once I got married and had a family, I too became selfless, their happiness is more important than mine – Why both of our husbands lacked that ?.., idk. Our group of betrayed spouses have gotten smaller or it seems as very few of them blog about the aftermath of the infidelity anymore – a good or bad thing, I am unsure of as well. Sometimes I would like to hear who stayed and who didnt and how life is now for them – just curious I guess, prolly will never know tho. You and I are both still here, still occasionally blogging about it so it apparently still affects us – unfortunately I think it always will. I think we have both moved on in a way or we have at least accepted that our men just straight sucked! lol Progress?…I guess… One foot in front of the other …

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