We started a small group for church and all had a blast.
I made sooo much food.
I hope it was good my taste buds are changing and I don’t seem to enjoy the same things I used to before.
Charles and I cleaned the whole house top to bottom.
The house looks so nice!
We did a great job. I even burnt my thumb pretty bad and Charles cleaned the kitchen so nicely..
Anyways today was a good day.
While putting Charles’s laundry away I caught one of his top drawers open and saw my hand writing. He had stashed away my postcards I wrote to him in Iraq. He also hid all my letters as well. I wrote to him almost everyday.
I remember burning cards in my lovely BBQ, I remember ripping up our wedding cards and then feeling regret not too long ago that I threw them away. Rizzo said for me to tape them up and keep them. I had them in a trash bag at my old house in KS and was like not taping these up. I threw them in the trash.
So Charles hides those things because he knows I will burn them. Ashes to ashes. Fuck him and our history.
I would burn it all but he hid those memories for some reason they are special to him.
I’m sure all of you know this by now but I get so angry with the mentality of this former cheater I am married to.
Why are all of a sudden or even back then special things about me, us, our history special to him? It’s so boggles my loyal brain and makes me rage just trying to understand the stupidity of that all.
Anyways so I look at those cards, read the words, put them back in the drawer and politely say fuck you Charles and move on about my day.
That man I wrote to was a douche and this guy I’m with now.. he’s pretty cool I guess. Besides being a former slut.
Today as we were working my mind wandered and he did something and I wanted to say something hurtful to him, to remind him of his bad decisions.
But I didn’t and thought why am I being an asshat? I do not need to bring up his previous sins.. focus on the now and don’t be mean NH.
Charles has been unbelievably nice, kind, and a good provider.
He even built this humidity sensor for our roof and has it connected to his phone. Seriously the tech-girl inside of me was like that is SOOO COOOL!
Anyways today was a good day.. the reminders become less and less about my loss.. the grief comes in waves always. I wonder if that is apart of acceptance learning that I will always grieve what happened. I accept I will always grieve losing my husband, the man I believed in, and thinking I had a partner who was honest and would be honest with me.
That is a harsh reality a nice reality is how my thoughts and reminders of Kendra are so far removed. I don’t think about her for sales, for recipes, or even remembering motherhood with her anymore which is nice.
Alright time to get to bed..
Love you all