Sometimes I look at Charles and think maybe?
Can I enjoy being in his company?
Could I love him again?
He’s still amazingly handsome.
And I find that finding myself is quite hard for me.
Understanding myself in ways of is because he’s handsome what does that say about me?
Do I want to fall in love again with him is that something I am interested in?
Before it came so easy
The infatuation the covenant I chose
Now not so much
Lately I have been visiting my past with him in my mind and rewriting it is hard
He was never the man I should have married
He never loved me
He was not the man I thought he was
He never believed in us and adored me as a wife.
He never was committed to our family
He was a disgrace of a husband and I a disgrace as a woman. I was disrespected and rejected and accepted that behavior. I allowed him to treat me in a manner I do not even tolerate from others. And her? She was a wolf in sheeps clothing and she gave me the attention I desired because I had such a sad marriage.
And while that hurts accepting it the hurt doesn’t take my breathe away like it once did.
And realizing the sadness of a woman I once was and why I did what I did
Why I thought his love was love Why I thought she was a friend
Also giving myself grace for me as a young woman and not seeing my younger version as a disgrace.
For looking at me and forgiving myself
For reconciling with myself and God 😊❤️
Finding me has been so hard but rewarding…
I suppose just being on the journey to realize the daughter of the king I am…