And just like that Squish is 5 and going into kindergarten

Wasn’t I just bashing Charles after her first birthday for forcing her to eat cake drunk as a skunk?

I wanted to hit him so hard..

Not in front of the kids..

Ugh

Now I am torn

Tomorrow is a day of reckoning and peace

I am no longer a Mom of a small child or baby

No longer home-schooling

I am just plain ole me kind of dreading tomorrow morning

I’m going to miss her

And I treated her like a nuisance on some days

Where I just wanted my space and now she will be gone along with her brother and sisters

And you guys my heart hurts

And I think of all the times I didn’t play with them or did I love them enough?

And that awful R word comes in regret

You know that word I associate with marrying Charles ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m going to miss her..

I really am and thinking about missing her makes me miss all of them

And my heart is overwhelmed

Their chubby faces how I wasn’t the kindest Mom how I didn’t protect them and how I wanted to leave them

I really could use a partner right now

Someone who built this life with me and wasn’t a former backstabber

Anyways lunches have been packed and crockpot steel cut oats are simmering for morning

I’m not ready to say goodbye to bouncy houses and not having a little one at home

And yet I am all at the same time

Oh friends I didn’t plan on this hurting as much as it does

Now off to take a shower and close my eyes

7 thoughts on “And just like that Squish is 5 and going into kindergarten

  1. Just cuz she is off to kindergarten doesnt mean you cant still love her to death. She still needs you – be there for her and the other kids. Be the best mom you can be from this day forward.

  2. I know this is an incredibly emotional time, NH, but try not to question yourself about the past. Your children need you. You are a wonderful Mom! Iโ€™m here to tell you that theyโ€™re always gonna need you. Keep doing what youโ€™re doing. xo

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