Bob and Kendra

It’s so strange both of them pop up in my head at the strangest of times

Bob more when I am healing and wanting to apologize and thank him. He never had to meet with me. He never had to talk with me and be the person who he was also going through the same thing but also going through it completely differently because we all handle betrayal so differently.

Kendra it’s at the weirdest of times. When I see stuffed shells and lasagna. When we moved to Alaska I found her stuffed shell recipe that she had hand written. Yes I tore it up and threw it away. I wish she was so easily forgotten. It’s always some random moment some thought and reminds me she’s still in my brainπŸ˜’πŸ˜’πŸ˜’ still in my memories Havarti cheese, the mention of the words best friend, bundt recipes, throwing baby showers for friends, anything orange and chocolate

I remember when Bob asked if I could forgive her. At that time I wished Kendra and Charles death. I hoped both of them would die. I said no. I’m pretty sure I still haven’t but I try and focus on me. Focusing on forgiving them is of course for me but I just try not to think about it.

I am sorry though for the way I acted. My grief was so bad it spilled onto so many who did nothing to contribute to my pain My kids, Bob, my friends, myself

I lost my self worth and in return I did and said some vile things. I’m so sorry for wanting Kendra and Charles to die. Above all else they are parents and losing a parent is so hard at such young ages.

@crazykat thank you for your post I’m glad I’m not alone in my thoughts of anxiety and irrationality.

I get worked up at the strangest of times and it’s just strange

I wish there were better words but there isn’t

Reconciliation between Charles and I is I have to assume happening.

I still feel like I’m some sort of poster child for who not to marry.

Could I leave Charles and find some sort of mythical man or enjoy Dating again I’m sure I would find someone however with my 4 kids nope best person is Charles for my kids

They love their Dad, heck I’m finding out that I love him too.

And not in the lovey dovey happy to be married to him superficial nonsense

But in the more of I always saw what an amazing man Charles was until I wanted him to die. Even now I will help Charles with anything I can from kids to college homework.

That’s nutty gritty work love. Do I believe he’s capable of cherishing me? Honoring our covenant? Respecting me? Hell to the no but if he is putting on a show he’s certainly putting on a good one πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜‚

I am very content even nearing my 39th birthday❀️❀️ he’s thoughtful and kind and I’m being treated the best I have ever been over 17 years of marriage which is saddening and great all at the same time

Till next time ❀️❀️

Love

NH

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