I kissed him and my Dad caught me 

It was in the kitchen I kissed Charles and I turned and my Dad was coming up the stairs and smiled 

I was caught kissing my husband 

And it feels awful

I felt like a fool..

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Sad

The masking of anger you’d think I would be great at emotions by now.

I’m sad to lose my uncle. 

I think more sad than I have let on 

Or wanted to believe

Losing him means so much loss for our family 

The hierarchy of our family line in Samoa 

He has the softest skin I was sure I would see him more. 

Makes me feel so less than and I’m not sure why

Probably emotions out of control I don’t do sad well 

Somehow I wish I did. 

I’m feeling like a failure at so much right now 

Angry

Sometimes I can’t seem to differentiate between if he’s trying to control me or if I’m allowing myself to be controlled.

This makes me angry 

I also feel very alone lately 

That makes me angry and sad. 

Thanking him… 

Some days I don’t completely hate him and dare I say it hate him at all. 

Not because it was ok to cheat or backstab me but I just don’t think about it. 

I get caught up in fall flowers, My son’s obnoxious teenage attitude and how much I still love him, and my girls oh how I love them. 

More times than not Charles makes me smile and not gee I love my husband smile but that is funny thanks for the laugh! 

He compliments me more 

He makes breakfast 

Doesn’t complain when I’m late 

Or he has to get all the kids up on his own like everyday because I would rather sleep. 

I thank him for that for making an extra effort knowing how I feel about him.

He says sometimes it isn’t easy but worth it. 

I don’t understand what he means by that 

But it reads nice 

Someone to hold on to

Recently got into an arguement with a church sister and it’s over now and we are choosing to remain okay with each other is the best way to describe it. 

She mentioned she doesn’t trust me.

I didn’t really care. 

I don’t even trust my husband so trusting others isn’t a big issue with me. 

However it did make me think about after a day in resolving conflict I just want someone who loves me and is on my side 

I suppose a kind of expectation on a spouse that well many people even people Married to faithfuls don’t have. 

I don’t have that and it makes me sad suppose it still makes me sad and I have to remind myself 

Just because this relationship is so broken it still can be beautiful 

Dam buzzfeed test and why I haven’t been writing lately..

The reason why I haven’t been writing is my darn WP app has been acting up and I rarely ever get time on my PC anymore. 

So I finally deleted app then, downloaded again, then went through all my passwords I couldn’t remember what is was.. soo now I’m back which brings me to the buzzfeed test 

The 3 words that describe you test 

I got generous, nurturing, and hopeless 

Hopeless is how I see my future..

Now I know it’s just a test and well it doesn’t have a whole lot of weight but it made me cry. 

Charles and I are busy with kids and  as for us? We are making it. 

He’s still not the love of my life and today told the boy when explaining that he has no friends and even he’s lived with me for so long and we are not friends. 

Ugh why!!?? 

Why does Charles do that?? 

Ugh… 

anyways so that’s us right now maintaining I guess whatever it is that we are doing

He’s home 

The last couple of days I missed him.

I truly did. 

As a person to just cut someone out of their lives this has been such a growing experience for me. 

Because I one did get to cut someone out of my life Kendra 

And I didn’t and won’t ever even if I leave Charles he’s never cut out completely 

The children are so happy to have him home 

I am more relaxed hugging him felt nice. 

I’m sure he will say something stupid again. Like the whole responsibility thing or because he’s still growing into a loving man least that is what he’s showing me he’s trying to do. 

I’m enjoying time with him and enjoying time with myself. While he was gone the kids and I had a fabulous time. 

I’m feeling definitely more positive about life when he and I are talking. Not talking to him is more work, so is the anger. 

And yes there are plenty of things to   be angry about. And yes I still do hate him if we strip all the layers of what I’m trying to build here

My family and a partnership because we are looking to visit Kansas next year.  

I am changing and Charles is changing.

I did talk with him about the responsibility thing. At least I think I did. 

I will again. 

Times like these I wouldn’t ever think being single and sharing out kids is ever an option 

One of these days I’m sure I’ll get it together.. even if that day is on my deathbed 😂😂😂😂

Why

Why does his face excite me sometimes 

Or when he tells me I’m beautiful I smile 

Why does the pain of infidelity feel so distant sometimes and then others feel as if it just happened 

Why do I so badly want to have sex with him?

To forgive once 

It’s work emotional work heartbreaking work 

Someone once told me here it’s mud eating living with an adulterer 

It’s a lot of work to hate Charles and resent him 

It’s a lot of work to think I’m over this time period in my life and have it revisit me again in the weirdest of ways 

Ways I don’t even bring on 

I want so badly to be free of it and it meaning My beloved husband and beloved best friend never were sleeping in my bed together and were honest human beings 

Just to be free of ever thinking about it. From ever remembering it 

Charles recently said something that upset me 

He said “When do you get to take reaponsiblity for what’s happening in our marriage for our relationship?”

And my first reaction is to curse 

My second reaction was I will not take responsibility for this marriage ending. I will initiate the divorce and will move on with my life without having a ownership of this marriage. This marriage is awkward and is nothing what I ever wanted a marriage to be. 

Charles derailed my plans of what I had for us. 

And I could not believe he was Saying that and he was being really slow to explain the words coming out of his mouth 

I am not a fan of a liar reformed slut giving me suggestions about responsibility 

I wonder if I ever will be 

The heartache he caused me will last forever 

Kendra will always be apart of my story which is sad because I don’t want her to be. But she is.. 

im sleepy time for a nap

Confused 

Lately I’ve been reading my posts over and I suppose I am confused. 

I mean hasn’t there always been 2 options stay or go 

But being here in this world seems like I have more 

I could stay and more than likely have a mediocre romance with a man who I don’t particularly care for and am not in love with But family stays together 

I could stay and I could fall in love with Charles again who knows years, decades, or just stay together until one of us dies plus side I kept my family together 

I could leave and my life turns out pretty awesome it will be hard but to have my freedom away from Charles to not have to work on this relationship or care about being married. To not have to wonder am I living a lie again. I created a false world with Charles and I don’t want to find myself in that position again. But the family unit is no longer an option. I will be sharing my children  with someone who is at my beckon call now, but won’t be if I divorce him. My children will hate life for awhile or forever. 

I could leave and I could not find a sustainable job and be miserable poor without health insurance. Because the market for stay at home Moms is not so awesome. My children would live in another lifestyle and not be happy and their family is uprooted 

Rizzo once pointed out to me you can trade your one bag of misery for 4 meaning my kids. 

There is some truth there 

Also truth is how much I am loving Charles being gone

Glad I’m weighing options 

Helps me be not so confused