Job is awesome and well so is a lot of other things

I really enjoy my job it’s super fun and engaging

I also am curious if we will move back to the lower 48 Alaska has been awesome but I’m okay leaving this place

I moved here pretty broken but now we’ll still broken but feeling strong

Anyways things are going well.. all the kids are enjoying school and life and so am I

As for me and Charles well always a work in process.:

Till next time

❤️NH

Who got offered the job ❤️❤️❤️

And who is scared to take it?

I’m afraid my whole life will change.

Not in the best way but God is good I mean Charles is not getting paid so I need to bring in some funds ❤️❤️😊😊

So I will take the job pending I can have the days off I need

And I will be back in the job force 😊

Little scary but great timing ❤️

Had another talk about our relationship and Charles just looks worn out

He says he wants more for our relationship it’s just so messy..

I again do not want to sleep in the same bed as him.:

But I’m also old and do not want to sleep on the floor

Time to get a queen bed in the guest room

Anyways I love you all for keeping up with me forever almost 5 years in April time flies.

Thanks for all the encouragement and kindness

Seasons change and a job interview ❤️❤️❤️

my relationship with Charles is always evolving before affair and after. I used to know what we were or how I felt about him…

Nowadays its up in the air and now after almost 5 years

I feel nothing for the man. Like literally I have no sexual interest or desire for him.

I told him too while we discussed our relationship.

I try not to text him because it feels so icky that was his and Kendra’s thing and I have no desire to be that or fulfill that need for him.

Usually telling or opening up to him made me feel closer to him but this last time it was just facts.

He still wants to make this marriage work.

I just plan on riding this marriage out until one of us dies 😂😂

Seriously like I’ve always said before there is so much more to life than being with your soulmate or being in an intimate relationship. It’s the conclusion that I came up with is that Charles and I are in a loving relationship but not an intimate one.

I don’t desire that from him because he hurt me and while he wants one with me I’m not sure that will ever happen

He told me this ball and chain isn’t going anywhere and I said good thing Jesus can break every chain 😂😂😂 a little fun Christian humor

I don’t want to fight for our marriage but I will fight for our family.

I will also fight for myself

To honor the Daughter of the King I am and Charles never deserved me and I was such a foolish girl to believe I was lucky to be with such a guy.

Because I didn’t think Charles was lucky to have me. Not sure why I just always remember thinking I’m so fortunate to have him but he never felt the same or treated me like that. And I never treated myself like that either.

I applied for a job and I hope I get it. It’s working with homeschooling families schedule is flexible and it will be pretty exciting to join the workforce again 😊

And make my own money well earn my own money

I might plan on getting a separate bank account but definitely want to start saving and stashing away money in my name and on my own.

I will advise my children to have their own bank accounts aside from their spouses.

And will not take no for an answer

I doubt that would have stopped Charles from sleeping around but it would have given me a cushion to leave him for awhile.

Obviously he needed to figure out his life more at the few D-days that came to pass.

So anyways as for now I’m getting things ready in my house. I think I plan on getting back into aviation and doing work on helicopters. But that is a few years out. The boy will be graduating soon. And my girls need their Momma so we will see what the future holds I do know

I am happy to be alive. I really do have a nice life besides having a cheater for husband and yup he will always be that to me.

I mean Judas is forever known as the betrayer of a Jesus. He was sorry he did it and it’s been years since then but he already etched that on his legacy. And that is what is etched for mine with Charles.

One day he will be gone and I probably will miss him but for now it’s pretty much Charles got friend zoned and how long he will be there is probably up to him.

He offered a full body massage last night and I didn’t get one.

Ugh would it kill him to follow through or even mention it??

I would even take sorry hun you came downstairs too late and I’m tired but nope in good old Charles fashion he never mentioned it

#oldhabitsdiehard

Anyways there’s my take

I still cry

I still hurt

But it isn’t all the time anymore

For that I’m thankful

Till Next Time

Love

NH

Happy New Year and Reddit

To Glasses you were a friend and I appreciated you and your family

You’ve been on my mind a lot lately and I’m sorry

Sorry for being crazy and not as strong of a friend as you probably would have appreciated

Now to the new year

Well we are still together

Kids are happy well Squish is bananas crazy lately but I love her

And as for Reddit I’m glad I found this space instead of Reddit first

Here’s to the new year

I applied for a job and I hope I get it.

If not I’m cool about that too

Also plan on applying for college again and finishing the associates and bachelors in whatever I can finish first 😂😂😂

With 144 credit hours it’s time to finish something love you all

NH

Bob and Kendra

It’s so strange both of them pop up in my head at the strangest of times

Bob more when I am healing and wanting to apologize and thank him. He never had to meet with me. He never had to talk with me and be the person who he was also going through the same thing but also going through it completely differently because we all handle betrayal so differently.

Kendra it’s at the weirdest of times. When I see stuffed shells and lasagna. When we moved to Alaska I found her stuffed shell recipe that she had hand written. Yes I tore it up and threw it away. I wish she was so easily forgotten. It’s always some random moment some thought and reminds me she’s still in my brain😒😒😒 still in my memories Havarti cheese, the mention of the words best friend, bundt recipes, throwing baby showers for friends, anything orange and chocolate

I remember when Bob asked if I could forgive her. At that time I wished Kendra and Charles death. I hoped both of them would die. I said no. I’m pretty sure I still haven’t but I try and focus on me. Focusing on forgiving them is of course for me but I just try not to think about it.

I am sorry though for the way I acted. My grief was so bad it spilled onto so many who did nothing to contribute to my pain My kids, Bob, my friends, myself

I lost my self worth and in return I did and said some vile things. I’m so sorry for wanting Kendra and Charles to die. Above all else they are parents and losing a parent is so hard at such young ages.

@crazykat thank you for your post I’m glad I’m not alone in my thoughts of anxiety and irrationality.

I get worked up at the strangest of times and it’s just strange

I wish there were better words but there isn’t

Reconciliation between Charles and I is I have to assume happening.

I still feel like I’m some sort of poster child for who not to marry.

Could I leave Charles and find some sort of mythical man or enjoy Dating again I’m sure I would find someone however with my 4 kids nope best person is Charles for my kids

They love their Dad, heck I’m finding out that I love him too.

And not in the lovey dovey happy to be married to him superficial nonsense

But in the more of I always saw what an amazing man Charles was until I wanted him to die. Even now I will help Charles with anything I can from kids to college homework.

That’s nutty gritty work love. Do I believe he’s capable of cherishing me? Honoring our covenant? Respecting me? Hell to the no but if he is putting on a show he’s certainly putting on a good one 🤔🤔🤔🤔😊😂

I am very content even nearing my 39th birthday❤️❤️ he’s thoughtful and kind and I’m being treated the best I have ever been over 17 years of marriage which is saddening and great all at the same time

Till next time ❤️❤️

Love

NH

Its been awhile

Tonight I have laryngitis

And I will be brief because I’m tired however I miss you all

I caught up on a few posts from Paula and CrazyKat who am I missing?

Things are going okay I guess

I still have moments where I want him to suffer and endure the same kind of hurt

But I wonder if he hasn’t already

Then I wonder why am I thinking such lame thoughts

Kind of like the meme about google satellite

“Google Satellite can let you see anywhere in the world from the comforts of your own home and what do you do google your house”

😂😂😂

The anger

So he got a new guitar

I don’t care

Really I don’t

But his smile

The giddiness of his presence

And I want to take these boxes and scream and yell and cry

I want to be with someone who loves me like that

Don’t laugh

Not like a guitar

Kendra may have gotten all the best pieces

Devotion

Trust

Excitement

And I want to riot

I want to take all of those guitar boxes and burn them and beat them with a bat in the dent yard

Where all the neighbors will think the SAHM has gone bonkers

Go inside nothing to see here folks

I’m so angry I want to bust all of his stupid guitars

With a bat

Like right now in front of him

I wish the war inside of me wasn’t so strong sometimes

I got the job for subs and it’s so sad how much they make

How little those to watch precious babies and teach amazing minds make even less

Okay off to finish making dinner

I have often heard that

We must forge on creating a new marriage between the both of us

I don’t know how to do that especially now right now when I want to take a bat to things

How I had to bring our kids to all his stupid gigs

How convenient I made his life

How I still rage inside

Fuck him

More importantly how to live through tonight

Fuck me

I always wanted him to love me as much as he loved his damn music

I begged so many times for his affection like a damn dog

🤦‍♀️ like 1,000 times over

I’m going to need help to get through tonight

In a mood

The ups and downs of attachment to him is

Odd. So is being a SAHM without a kiddo at home

I hope to get things together

Laundry on the floor

Feeling Thoughtful about so many things

Turned in my substitute app and now on to writing thank you cards and getting a resume together for the helicopter company position

I’m tired like depressed tired and like a functioning sad

Day 3 of being the SAHM with all of her kids in school

The first day was hard I cried and it was sad.

A friend brought me cookies and Charles sent me flowers

Like wow that was a shocker!

He did something to soften the blow of what is a hard time in my life

He was thoughtful

I started my period the day she left so I truly wonder how much I am being over the top

But whatevs

The second day I still missed her

Like I wondered what she was doing in the house she wasn’t in😂😂😂

Charles impressed me with the flowers

Now off to stretch and get ready for the week ❤️