A Father’s Day!

Love my Dad but I must stay off Facebook today..

Boundaries right?

So many of my pals praising their spouse

Charles is pretty awesome in some aspects

But he didn’t make parenthood fun for many years

Many years he left me alone in parenting and and judged me for so MUCH OMGoodnes and that’s not including affair years

So I don’t need to go on a tirade about that, but that’s what happened

So I’m learning my boundaries which sucks because I enjoy my SM

But I won’t die a day without it

And I’m thankful I have so many friends who love their spouses and have happy marriages that are strong

I really am.. still a bit jealous but not as bad as it used to be and that makes me happy

Here’s to a great day

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Sometimes it’s like it never ends

And then I’m like but I can end it I can end the rage I don’t have to let it control me…

And then I find something.. something from the past

I sent him so many packages when he was in Iraq I tried so hard to Mom alone

And he backstabs me like he did..;

What brought me to this place?

Back before easy cell phones and FaceTimes

I got creative and would send him small tapes of me and the boy like a conversation

I wasted my time on such an asshole

Screw him tonight and the pain in my heart

Because his assholeness doesn’t remember

And he will never know..

he will never know the heartache

To love someone who doesn’t love you..

To give them such a part of your life to not care

Tonight I hate him and I’m working on focusing on me

My feelings are hurt more for me than anything.

It’s hard for me to disconnect from the pain

And the work I put in this relationship that meant nothing to him..

Screw you Charles if I knew the kind of man you were I wouldn’t have sent you a damn thing in Iraq and left your ass to come home to nothing…

The best part of lows

Is learning

I’ve got to change my thinking when it comes to wondering what Kendra is up to.

I’m not sure why I care

Wait I’m lying I do want to know

Not that I care if he’s cheating or if they talk

She can have him, there won’t be any tears for him walking away

Guess I just want to know because I’m nosy and how is Chris doing?

Sometimes I think of him and wonder how is he? And to thank him but I just stay away..

I’m learning from the low of the day before yesterday and addressing the why? What happened and how to avoid it from happening again

Neither of them are my business and tying myself to them through my own actions is frivolous

I have more things to fill my head with..

more activities to engage in

Digging

I went digging for information about Kendra and Chris

Why I am not sure

At first I went through my emails

Then the social, then the google

Why do I torment myself and why do I care?

Ugh

Sometimes I’m my worst enemy

Going home

Charles and I had a great time.

We did an escape room, arcades, fun food

And had lots of new experiences

I do miss him.

I’m pretty sure I still hate him for having an affair

But it’s not as strong

I know I’m not supposed to hate him I know but I still could get fired up real quick

Looking forward to heading home and getting ready for summer

I do miss my babies but I am also going to miss the quiet withdrawal that does not involve directing and re-directing constantly

Kansas City

For some reason in I was logged in on another blog anyways

Here is yesterday’s post another is to come

It’s truly been a blast you guys.

Getting away has been fun.

I’ve gone to PF Chang’s, Fogo de Chao, shopped

And best of all I celebrated 17 years down being married.

We have talked about affair

We have mentioned Kendra

Beyoncé was mentioned too. Charles laughed wondering if Beyonce was some sort of standard because I said well if Beyoncé can do it so can I

Queen bae has helped our cause in the realm of infidelity.

She is beauty has power, fame money and her husband is a cheater

So no it doesn’t matter how little or how much you make. What you look like.

Whoever you were cheated on with or by they didn’t care. They didn’t care about you or even thought about you it was all them. Their defect in character. There are no problems solved by affairs.

That couldn’t have been solved a better way.

So to all my sisters and brothers 4 years down and we still mention affair

I finally decided to wear a ring

A silicone one

And I finally feel hope that I can celebrate this marriage I found myself in.

Not because our relationship is stronger than ever let’s point that out.

Or even I thought our relationship is worth fighting for.

My family is worth fighting for and do not get it twisted is he cheats again I will not find myself feeling cheated out of years due to mistreatment because like I told him I am like on hyper vigilante status when it comes to the treatment about NH

Seriously there is no neglect

And we are experiencing new things together we escaped an escape room

I always wanted to do that

We are becoming friends again

I’m sure me not wanting to poison him or pray for his death helps

I’m glad I didn’t give up on our family

I’m glad he stuck around to for the family’s sake and for mine.

My crazy behind needs so much help 

Thank you all for catching up with me and checking in on me…

Till next time

Day 5

His presence is missed.

I miss being hugged and made to laugh

He’s like my Screech and I’m Lisa

He’s gone and I’m missing a piece

Guess you are right T, but I’m on the monthly and sick so maybe that has lots to do with it?

He makes my life easier

He’s always making sure if I’m okay

And I wonder if that is the codependent in him needing to rescue someone

He wants me to come out there and I kind of want to and I kind of don’t

I do to get away for a bit

I don’t because Kansas City triggers me and I think it’s best

But I wonder if like one of my closest friends weddings I should have gone

I should have just packed up my things and gone

I was worried I wouldn’t come back, that I was being rational..

He says he wants to make new memories and well this would be new…

Sometimes at times like these at an impasse I want to go back to the way things were

Where when I was so in love with him decisions like this would be easy

But I have to smack myself out of it and remember

1. Going back is not an option

2. I’m glad I’m not back there

Ignorance is not bliss and I am SO much better off knowing the truth about him and discovering the truth about me

I was every bit of a weak coward as he was and she

I let myself be put down, I allowed mistreatment of myself, my family and blamed God. I wanted to die..

I no longer want to die or wish death upon either of them.

I have a fulfilling life.

I am loved and in that statement what my husband says about me is irrelevant or how he feels about me

I am finding love for me and I want to allow the God I know to mold me into figuring my life out😊

NH

Since you’ve been gone

So Charles is gone for like 30+ days

And it’s going well today was the first full day and besides the kids missing him.

I am fine

I miss his presence but right now he’s living in an apt, cooking his own food, and I’m here holding down the fort. The kids really miss him.

I’m doing okay with him not being around…

But it’s only day 1 😊

Time will tell

Anniversaries

Okay now I know my pals here will say

NH you don’t know what everyone else is facing

Oh but I want one! Not with Charles of course but one with a man

Who is faithful and won’t put me on the back burner

Charles will say he is all of those things now but uhhh are you?? Is he really

I am happy for my friends they look so happy touting the years gone by…

And just thinking about how long I’ve been with Charles 🤢🤢🤢

I mean I’m happy and content with my life

This marriage I wonder if it’s just a lesson learned

Sure we are beautiful together in our own right but uhhhh as for cherishing him, ever making him a plate? Nope none of that nonsense he’s on his own..

As am I

I do want to celebrate myself and how long I have chosen to stay married. How amazing my family is and how far I have come as a person.

Charles will be gone for 40+ days and I truly can just skip the anti-versary

I am looking forward to see what he does…

This marriage was a mistake

I still stick to that

My family, my boy, my girls

My cat, my dog

I love my kids if anything this situation with Charles solidifies that

And I love me.: