For the love of children

Did I marry the wrong guy? 

I believe so

Does it matter if I leave Charles would I be any better off? 

Financially my gut says no but my mind is like we can work this out I will be fine 

Statistically it’s a resounding no I will not be able to bounce back and a single mother with 4 kids affording the lifestyle I lead now seems impossible but it can be done I just wouldn’t be around my kids as much

Will my kiddos be completely devastated?? 

In all areas yes 

Alright well off to the beach I go with the kiddos 

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Talked to Charles last night 

About all of this 

the letters I am drafting 

How I just do not care about what he’s doing 

He seemed to need to know what brought this on? What caused this Train of thought 

Kind of surprising how former adulterers act like betrayed as if I know what makes me care less about him, what memories trigger me 

As if I could pinpoint the exact thought or moment that truly makes me say I’m so over you Charles..

Just as he can never truly pinpoint what made him turn into such a cheating lying slut 

So many thoughts, emotions, events

I doubt I could ever point out what makes me not want to be with him because there is SO much LOL for real so much…

Anyways he gets all riled up and wants like a so where are we now? And are you leaving me? 

he acts as if I’m going to give him some sort of 2 weeks notice divorce kind of situation

And a little disappointed he wouldn’t get that from me

I was shocked that someone from his standpoint would even think that’s an option

As if I can’t just wake up tomorrow and say please don’t come home and I’m going to need the keys 

Because he needs notice he would appreciate notice 

And I wonder what kind of person I have turned into to really want to say screw you!! You don’t get notice did I get a fucking notice??!

That’s right I didn’t so 🖕🖕🖕🖕

But looking at the situation rationally do I want to be like him? 

Because my first gut emotions sure are to be..but when I think about it he’ll no I don’t want to be him 

And I want to be able to give him respect and be above the type of spouse he was to me.

And not in a superiority way but  in a I do not want to sway who I am. I would be if I did him dirty on purpose, for revenge. 

I don’t want to be that person 

Yet I gravitate towards that person. 

Instinctually 

It is disappointing and helping me grow all at the same time 

The start of the letters..Charles needs to know

Dear Charles,

The book I’m recently reading told me to tell you how your affair has and is affecting me now through a letter. I want to treat you like a human instead of someone who has hurt me and stabbed me in the back. Finding that balance to see you has a sinful human than the backstabber is difficult for me. Sometimes I take pleasure in asking you to count your losses in our relationship. I enjoy seeing you sad because of your foolish choices. I enjoy seeing your loss in what you miss about us. I wish I didn’t have to think about how evil I have let myself venture to because of this nonsense fully welcomed into my own bed, marriage, and life.

I am thankful you are dense enough to have an affair in such a grotesque way but that denseness did not follow you into such a false reality of you knowing that I still do very much hate you.

Would you believe me if I told you that I wish I didn’t? As you remember our losses I remember them too, but of course yours and mine are different.

I miss looking at you and just being so happy you are in my presence instead of someone I tolerate. I miss not even being aware of the presence of affairs within marriages. Now I know how prevalent they are good grief had I knew all of this I would have not been surprised you are the affair type. Cowardice was something you were drawn too and apparently something I was attracted too.

The words that Kendra was never worth it are music to my ears. However the words in my head that you are not worth the pain, the tears, or my time is something I battle now.

Our relationship was never that great and I fought for crumbs in our marriage. I cannot believe how sad I was to fight for your attention with bible studies, couples studies, date nights.. Why did I allow myself to sink so low? How did I allow myself to become such a nobody for love for this marriage?

Now I’m being posed with the idea of my hardened heart against you? Do I have a hardened heart against you? You bet I do. However is it necessary that this marriage be the softener? Are you in my life because God wants you there or am I creating another imaginary space for myself. Yes, I imagined me being married to a man of integrity. A faithful husband and father.

Dreams smashed, yet I can still call the broken beautiful right? Isn’t that what Hobby Lobby and many China imports tell me. Life is not perfect but still can be wonderful. This is our Story.

I do love you, but I hate you too.

You are the worst man I have ever loved and now with four children I am tied to you for life.

I wish I never was your wife, and I also wish that thought never crossed my mind.

I used to be proud I was your wife, I am no longer. Being with you causes me to wonder if I’m even proud of myself, can I even stomach myself.

What kind of woman have I become?

Ugh you guys see why I need to practice this letter writing? I’m all over the place.. more to come

 

Grasping at straws anyone try Affair Recovery EMS online training? 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online
Why? NH you ask? 

I don’t know because we are like roomies 

Counseling every week became dull.

I look at him and just see a good looking guy 

Who I am still physically attracted to.

Charles is still super hot to me.

But that’s it 

And I really want to make sure I’m healing well because if or when I do leave him I don’t want to repeat my stupidness in finding someone like Charles or Kendra. No not calling our kind stupid I’m saying I was. I put up with a crappy relationship for too long with Charles and with Kendra I longed for a replacement girlfriend spouse.. she fit the bill however solely being involved with a Mom like Kendra is bad news and woman for that matter. Red flags were there I made excuses for them.

Them both 

I would prefer to learn from my mistakes 

And yes I still view marrying Charles a mistake

This online course is $700 

Why does that feel like I’m being robbed? 

Would you pay that much? I suppose I already have in counseling.

Honesty

 So we have a barista in our little town. And she is kind to us, anyways yesterday She confided that her husband/fiancé (I’m not entirely sure) is a cheater 

I went for a spin! My heart broke for her! 

And I talked with Charles in the car and basically called all cheaters scum and should be thrown in the cold Ocean to be food for whales (yes I know that isn’t a thing)

I apologized to Charles I also told him that I hate this world he took me too that I wanted no part in. 

I hate being angry at stupid Christian books that see marriage as a science and that you can protect your marriage from your spouse being a dishonest slut 

I hate that adults who commit to other adults are fucking cowards and cannot treat spouses with dignity and respect

I hate knowing that the last statement I just made is apparently too hard because it seems that affairs are the norm rather than the exception

I now want to be an exception however I find it will never be with him

I will start writing Charles letters about how I feel. 

Because full honesty is too much and sometimes I’m mean

My honesty maybe correct but the delivery doesn’t treat Charles as a human sometimes 

And he is 

I’m quite bored in this marriage we did have sex after I blogged about it but it’s manly to keep from master bating to porn. I enjoy sex with Charles I’m still not in love with Charles. 

I wonder going on year 4 if things will get better for us like statistics say 5 years it will get better 

I’m not holding my breathe. 

I’m over him so over him. 

Bringing him to Samoa was more of a coparenting thing more than I wanted him there. 

He was also a necessity he is so good at directions
something i praise him for

I praise him for a lot I’m just not in love with him and starting over with  him is not fun

The newness of starting over with an adulterer is just lackLuster 

I don’t want to go on dates with him 

I am starting to plan a trip on antiversary day. A day I celebrate myself because being married to a claimed reformed cheater is not easy 😂😂😂😂

Well here’s to the day I have 7 children under my roof today and am enjoying life while Charles is on away on business! ❤❤❤❤

American Samoa was beautiful my marriage not so much 

The beauty of being around everyone who looks like family is amazing!! 

The children loved being there as well 

However things started to change towards the end of our trip 

I’m not sure what it was but Charles just started to become just a person, not a husband, friend or partner 

Some extra in a movie

Is all that I can say 

We have stopped having sex or touching each other.

It’s been about two weeks..

So we shall see what this all means 

I wonder when I hit these stages what this all means 

But I am tired 

As soon as we flew home my mother and stepfather came with 

Charles is a wonderful man who pays for all the things 

But I wonder how awesome my life would be without him 

Thoughts for today…

Being honest 

I think conversation is much more raw now than ever 

I don’t see Charles with rose colored glasses 

And as my lenses clear I’m left to look at a woman who is sad, but who is also happy 

One who wants to be healthier not just in lbs but in mind 

We talked about so many topics today without it ending in screams 

The affair, before affair, my mental state now, how I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like for me, how I fear ending up in a relationship for 16 more years thinking all is well when it isn’t.

What my relationship was prior to affair was unhealthy 

I didn’t know any better 

And that makes me sad 

How did I not see the emotional abuse

And reconcilling that factor is so much more pressing to me than Any reconciliation with Charles 

Sometimes I miss the days of rose glasses 

But I suppose I just miss different shades of those lenses 

You know what I’m not missing though myself.. I deal with me so much more than I ever wanted now and it’s refreshing…

The other half of my soul..

I don’t have one..

I recently was with a beautiful woman who I cherish with 5 blessings all her own.

She is a blessing to me oh how I enjoy her.

What I have to say I don’t enjoy is her take on marriage for me sometimes.

She suggests a renewing of vows.. her husband did it secretly for her set up a vow renewal

How precious it is..

It’s her anniversary and I am so overjoyed for them..

But she just would not let up about the vow renewal once it got brought on..

I hope my face didn’t show.. the disappointment I have as a marriage..

I didn’t want to burst her bubble..

But as she celebrates the other half of her soul..

I start to focus on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

No I do not have a marriage I am proud of or even want to continue because of so many reasons personally..

I’m selfish, I’m shallow, I’m self-centered and feel I’m too broken to be in any kind of romantic relationship..

But here I am..

There are no time-outs with a family who needs you..

I’m glad there aren’t anyway..

Please Lord let me focus on what I have now..

That’s all that matters..

Even though I still cry over spilt milk at times.. what I have right now..

A full tummy on a great lunch..

Smiles, a little bit of sunshine, a cushy bed to lay my head..

3 beautiful girls watching me constantly..

The boy is camping and I will see him tomorrow..

Here’s to a full day..

Love you all

NH

A loss

I have a hard time with the loss of my husband the guy I knew.

That pain still is quite fierce and I’m working through that with the therapist.

I really wish I had closure 

That I could talk it over with my husband and say goodbye 

He would say it isn’t working Nia and I want to sext Kendra and pursue Kendra as a love Interest.

And I would say wow thanks for being honest and not being a deadbeat cheater

And I would say how unfortunate you feel that way and are tossing our marriage aside for trash but okay.

Goodbye.: I will miss us, but this is for the best because you are more of a jerk than I thought you were 

And I would have hugged him and let him walk out on our life 

I would have called Bob too. 

And that would have been that

I could have said goodbye 

I could have seen the man I believed I married and said goodbye 

I wish for the strangest things…

Maybe I just want control anyway I’m reading this book now. The therapist gave it to me. It’s pretty good so far 


And I’m learning about addictive relationships as well 

Which was mindblowing 

It’s my 3 year anniversary on WordPress

Oh May is just a month for me to remember so many things.

Last night found out boy has been lying pretty extensively about his schoolwork 

For months

He didn’t fail but I’m so pissed still 

I know he’s my teenage boy he will lie

But I’d be lying if this doesn’t trigger me

I wish I could co-parent with someone who wasn’t an adulterer 

Because in my mind it kind of disqualifies him from walking alongside me as I work with boy or even discussing this with him 

Why does it disqualify him? Because a part of me feels he can’t understand my anger, hurt, or pain being lied to and deceived 

I mean maybe he knows because of how Kendra threw him under the bus with all her lies 

But seriously as much as he deserves it I don’t feel his crappy life choices with her are some sort of life lesson for him.

God forgave him in his mind and he’s just trying to be a better man 

Good for him I guess 

I don’t know if he understands the pain of being deceived 

Which is how I come to still fantasize on leaving his behind when he least expects it