A Happy Mothers Day

My house looks like this and I don’t care I will get to it this week.

I am not over-eating or going out to eat

I am taking care of myself like I should have done. I wanted someone to love so badly I forgot that loving myself was an option when I became smitten with Charles.

Maybe that is why I seem to not be smitten with him not just because of his disappointments but because no one except God deserves that kind of adoration.

I am so thankful to be a Mother to Boy, Em, Bell, and Squish 

I know I will survive without Charles in our lives but he makes this family complete

I want to encourage any mother or non-mother because of betrayal who just wants to give up on life and is done. 

I’m not going to tell you to have positivity, or things get better with time because sometimes time is relative and what do you do in the mean time while you feel so much suffering? 

Don’t give up whatever caused you to smile that isn’t destructive to yourself do that before you met.

Eat, drink (water mostly), and find your smiles

I gave up on me, my kids, and was just done…

What I worked so hard for crashed like a ton of bricks on my heart and I didn’t know what to do.

And I had so many wonderful women encourage me here and outside of the blogsphere to not give up

So here’s my encouragement to you

You will survive this if you choose and you are just as brilliant as you were before a cheater came into your life 

No matter how many cheaters or scandals there are. 

You are still undeniably talented, beautiful, and a work of art

There is no problem in a relationship so big or small that choosing to lie to someone in a mutually committed relationship is a part of 

No the terrible part is the liar, the fraud

They are the problem in the relationship until that is fixed there is no problem solving to be had at all

Who can build a relationship with a fraud, a liar, who will tear down every attempt of what a mutually committed relationship is?

Do not blame yourself it does no good and certainly do not waste time blaming the cheater. What good comes from confirming what they already are? 

You are important. I forgot that part being in a codependent useless relationship with a fraud of a man 

Didn’t realize it until after the fact 

Anyways I am rambling on.. so here’s to us Mothers on Mother’s Day 

I love you all and am learning to fall in love with my beautiful, wonderfully made self!! 

Cheers to the day!! 

So thankful to my four blessings who made me a mother 

Even to Charles that wonderful sperm donor did well by me in the creating a kid department

Love NH

Sometimes skinny blonde girls get me

With Kendra’s shape of face.

Not that I get angry 

Or afraid of them stealing anything besides my joy for a moment 

Because I see them and I remember her 

Like a living nightmare 

At the moment I catch my breathe 

I’m not sure when that will stop 

When people stop reminding me of her 

I wish it would 

But we all know what really happens with wishes 

Today I’m a little sad 

My heart aches somedays as I start off another day achieving goals

Being me because so many things remind me of who I used to be and who I used to love 

And how that love is no longer 

Starting overΒ 

I’m not good at it. 

It took me years to recover from making one crappy blueberry pie 

I didn’t start pie making again until at least 10 years later

Same for cinnamon rolls 

I made a few terrible batches and I was over it 

Starting over food tracking, exercising, meal planning 

See a pattern?? πŸ˜‚ 

Anyways I saw this article 

http://www.gracewhilewewait.com/www.gracewhilewewait.com/dearhusbandilovedyoufirst

And the regret didn’t instantly return that I’m still with Charles but I know what I have, don’t have, and romanticize about.

Suppose I think I do.

And I don’t have an I loved you first mentality now 

I used to.. but good grief who used whoremagedden?? But yes this word turned my history with Charles sour. 

I hate ever meeting him sometimes. I look back and think what the hell NH??!! 

Same for Kendra too WTF??

Anyways way less about her which is great what’s supposed to happen right treacherous snakes 🐍 have no place.

Ahhh but then there’s Charles 

And to categorize him.. I have better things to do with my time but he is most def not in my I loved you first category 

I used to be so excited for date nights with him. 

Nope not so much.. I look forward to date nights with myself 

It’s awkward at first but not terrible 

Starting over that’s how Charles sees this that we can fall in love all over again 

The hope that, this man has for our relationship is pretty impressive 

The I will wait for you speeches, the taking care of dinners and things without being an asshole.

Like today I was so angry at our boy, our daughter just normal kid/mom stuff and my Dad 

I left early to my meeting no dinner plan in sight. He took the kids out to dinner and sent me pictures of them smiling. 

I do not hate him so much and the hate I used to have has just kind of evolved into me exploring myself as to what is emotionally and physically going on with me.

I think this is what starting over is for me And Charles 

I still think it’s sad 

I want a love story 

I mean who doesn’t want to be head over heels in love with their spouse??

Crap don’t answer that!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

We all know who!! Well most of you reading my blog do (not funny/ kinda funny)

But I mean I loved being in love with Charles I loved feeling special like what we have is special and just over the top our story 

Ever seen a sign saying 

“Our story is my favorite story”

And this is not my favorite story when speaking about Charles 

Not at all. 

Our love story sucks in my opinion 

And I guess that’s the starting over part 

Where I can say that and not be so emotionally crazed to want to take him out. 

That I can accept my marriage, my love story is more of 

I am choosing to stay in the bed I made 

There are things I am thankful for even in this bed which I thought was super awesome turned into some sort of smothering device tried to take me out mattress but couldn’t!! 

I envy a life story like the one mentioned in the link

And the fact that I envy it is more of a red flag on my own version of a love story 

Why do I feel this way?

What appeals to me most about it? 

And accepting starting over or possibly never having a love story like I wanted will I be okay with that?

Because there is no history in how we were married, or how we met.

I would rather not say or talk about it coming up on the day the marriage license was stamped. Or even my life with Charles prior to affair or even now. 

He’s a part of a really sad moment in my life. I lost many years being a wife. I don’t plan on losing anymore. 

Lots to learn 

When your starting over..

Losing weight togetherΒ 

Ugh so if you’ve been around this blog for awhile I’ve mentioned being a plus sized vessel.

Yup and when I met Charles I was bigger as well

No skinny to fat story here well except for Charles he’s always been small 

Anyways we both want to lose weight and it seems typical 

No more babies, kids are all potty trained and well here we are pleasantly plump and if we want to continue this journey called life it would be beneficial for the lbs on the scale to lower 

And he’s on board and I’m kinda on board I’ve been on my own kind of plan and it’s not really working 

Y’all know how I feel about doing anything together with Charles besides parenting and church 

But am I such a sucker whenever he says 

           I will wait for you                           

Anyways so both of us are trying to eat better.

Finals are almost over 1 project down 2 to go!!

Kendra on Instagram

So my business Instagram suggested this

What the hell Instagram?

A whole new email a business FB page for me 

WHY?

I wanted to post her face I was that irritated 

Showed Charles he said he was sorry and not sure why that popped up

One day I will be rid of her…one year maybe or maybe it’s the fact of wanting to be rid of her so bad that makes my mind play tricks on me…

Somedays I’m apologetic for all the horrid things I called her, for praying for a slow death for her 

And other days I hope for her diarrhea and long bloody messy periods. I hope she finds backstabbing friends and she finds herself girlfriendless. I hope I am able to see her fail.

I’m somewhere in the middle between these two thoughts tonight

I still see a Town and Country (minivan) and I have to take a deep breath

Now I’m not so excited to see himπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Seriously that’s all it takes for me to be like Meh… Charles 

That’s where a lot of their affair happened and in our Ford Focus wagon πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I still have that car 

I know getting rid of it was my first thought

But we own it and it’s a decent second car.

Being practical 

Kind of like not going to jail after trickle truth and killing him.. but I move on 

Anyways they still get me silver or grey town and country minivans

My heart just kind of stops I wish I knew why

Maybe because I don’t know how I will react if I see Kendra again

But she’s not even in AK

Seriously odds of me seeing her in one of those vans is pretty slim 

Just like me being afraid of sharks in deep indoor swimming poolsπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Irrational I know 

Here’s to the day everyone ❀

He’s coming home tomorrow

I’m excited to see him. I sent him on a perfume hunt for me.

Our two older girls love my perfume 

Anyways guess he was testing them on himself rather than use cards. He couldnt find the one I wanted so was looking for others.

I found that so πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Sweet but funny!

We’ve visited a lot about sex and our relationship since I started calling him and making an effort for kiddos to see him.

He’s super patient and kind.

It’s so strange. I wonder if I will ever get used to this 

On another note Squish and I are sleeping on the couch. I on one side she on the other and her feet are touching mine😊😊😊❀️❀️❀️

Little feet are the best

Also almost done with this semester. I’m so over school, but I am not going to quit ❀❀❀ at least I hope not ❀

A busted fairytaleΒ 

I keep seeing articles of How to put your spouse first and articles of that sort 

And let’s just say  

I have that now 

Guys he even said he dreamt about me 

He has never said that 16 years in 

And sometimes when we talk I’d say at least 1/2 it’s all 

Hey my beautiful wife 

And I’m just over here like Meh…

Also saw the sweetest couple go to Disneyworld for their 10th anni 

And I am so jealous 

I want what I will never have at least with Charles 

Maybe anyone 

Who knows 

Makes me sad not like overtly sad but also turns me into a problem solver 

Seeing that even though my marriage is a busted fairytale that it doesn’t have to stay that way 

What is important to me?

To God? 

How do I change my mind about my busted fairytale that will always be busted? 

If I stay with Charles I will always be married to an adulterer 

🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒🀒

However how big am I willing to put that on a scale of priorities?

I mean really I put Charles on a pedestal he never belonged on. I felt lucky I never thought him lucky to have me.

Even changing that perspective of me is difficult and difficult

Why did I dislike myself so much to marry such a man.

And I know I like myself a WHOLE bunch more! 

So as my marriage is a busted fairytale that cannot be fixed.

Looking at myself, figuring out what is important to me that is on the table more than anything else😊

And while I miss the romance I used to have knowing staying there does nothing for me and figuring out how to move forward

So I don’t have a love for my husband but what do I have? 

A lot of other things 

Alright been a busy day off to rest just needed to get that off my chest 

❀❀❀❀

We talked like on day 2 when he was gone now its day 5Β 

I just don’t want to

I’m not interested in his day

I’m not interested in what he’s doing or what he’s eating 

I’m not interested in calling him and having the children talk to him

Just don’t care 

I’m not sure why 

I also feel a bit guilty like I should try more, like even though I don’t want to 

Like counting calories even though I don’t want to 

I should try more but I don’t want to 

And then I think I’m overthinking this

There are better uses of my time! 

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I did cry tonight 

The boy (14)

Just wanted some attention

So I rubbed his back and played all the songs that he used to love as a baby. He was such a crier but these ladies could shut my baby up for a little while at least πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Leona Naess, Sarah McLaughlan, Norah Jones 

And as he drifted off I cried

I remember that Mom trying to comfort her first born

I remember the wife who used to be so excited about her husband in every way 

Gosh I still grieve over how I loved Charles

And sure some could say you can still love him now,

But I wonder if I’m either not capable, or I just can’t 

Like how I just can’t with black licorice, or not laugh when someone says don’t laugh 

And then I think is this the love so many talk about 

The kind of sacrificial love like Jesus dying on the cross? 

Not to compare but just as a reference of love

What I thought was love was not love

No matter how much I loved him 

What we had was not love 

It was lust and some sick codependent game it would seem 

Now what do we have 

4 adorable children 

A love for our church, God, and our family 

And also I think a love for each other 

There is not guilt 

No shame 

No awkwardness of control 

We seem to respect each other and support each other 

But it’s so far removed from the butterflies and glitter I once knew 

I used to be so thankful for him 

And I am now just in different ways 

None of them being his wife ways 

I wonder if that time will come 

Or it may never…

Alright off to bed ❀❀❀