Sometimes

You built the girls a fort in their room We are tired You are tired from school And you remember to be the tooth fairy I say tooth fairy can be late But you go upstairs to be the tooth fairy So they could LIVe and be excited Sometimes I get a glimpse of why I liked you in the first place You are committed and can push through your own inconvenience to finish a task I admire that And sometimes that quality overshadows the fact that you are my biggest heartbreak and disappointment

Relapse

I recently have been going over my old affair books and wondering do I need to work on recovery some more? Have Charles and I done the work to move past this or have we just buried a zombie Just clawing it’s way out of the dirt slowly but surely I am distant from him. He knows and I don’t know how to bring it up That his affair still affects meI am not in love with him How I’m not over what he did and I wonder if I will ever be How I saw a girl that looked like Kendra yesterday from behind and I wanted to punch her in the back of the head and say Bitch! Your just going to walk by me? Like you don’t even know me? Ugh going over this book made me mad and okay Just like anything there are bad and good points like Like this stupid affair percentage of blame 25% was her fault 25% was his fault 25% their fault25% other factors Because there is no fault here I am blameless for affair and if anyone says to me I am wrong well we will just have to agree to disagreeHis affair, his drinking, his childishness all himFuck that But on the flip it talked about relapse more on the offenders side because when your an imposter it’s hard to turn those deceptive ways. But I flipped it to me. I am in relapse The feelings of hurt came at me and hit me againI did not punch the woman who was not Kendra, but I am leaving Charles out of my life I want to say he deserves itBut that’s blaming him for my actions Truth is at times it still hurts and the pain still gets me at the most awkward of times.. I never know when it will come and I can’t be a little bitch and be scared or avoid.: I get hurt, I get angry, then I react I want to modify my responses to the gutting hat happens to me time and time again I’m having a relapse and I don’t know if that’s good or bad but the book says I should expect them and deal with them accordingly. I think that’s one of the problems I don’t expect them. I don’t think they will happen again or at least I don’t try to either prevent or adapt to them. I’m angry I’m not as better at this as I want to be. Good thing I’m still cleaning house, doing things for me, and making a cake for my Dads birthday So progress there is.. I’m relapsing dear friends and it’s a bummer but a learning experience for sure

How could you…

See the thing is when I look at pictures of my son on the years of Charles’s affair or the pain in my kids eyes afterward.. I have a hard time locking my emotions in..This first time Momma of a Sophomore is having a hard time.. But I am having an emotional spin I found a Father’s Day present and our boys picture on it Labeled 2013 and it’s hard Charles and I both caused our boy tons of painAnd I look at that sweet face and think how Could my husband love anyone else besides himself? My child got love from his mother and I’m terrible at that I really am love the emotion sweetness just isn’t me and it’s been hard knowing that and raising kids I change I growBut I also feel a boat load of guilt right now.. and a nice wedge of anger for the man who left me Not just during affair but all the times before And while many of you know I mourn for the man (really idea) I was married to I also am glad that asshole is out of my life Fuck you Charles.. You can keep your liquor, your affair, and your stupidness Now Charles is sober never touches a drink and is so sweet and nice Like it’s truly unreal… yet it is real..And all of that still makes me angry the unreal and reality of it all

Pairing down books

So many after infidelity books

Lots of bible study books

Lots of memories

Charles and I seem to be in a good spot.

After going through the books just skimming really

I remembered I dont love him

How easily I can be fooled and how little I think about loving him or being in love

I guess I just think it will happen for me another point in my life

I am liking him though and maybe I will get to love

It’s not on my radar

I love the whole idea of him just being all for me, an encourager to me, just a guy who is or seems to be in love with this wife

He plays a good role

He seems to be interested in me which is fun

And endearing

Do I trust him to be truthful or to be faithful?

Nope.

Does that answer to that question dictate my life?

Nope..

Losing the man I loved and woman I was gutted me.

I don’t think I will ever forget he caused that.

I do wish that I had gutted him first and not cheated but left him, or never married him

Getting my resume tidied up this week and hoping to have a job that makes decent money.

Here’s to new beginnings…

A Father’s Day!

Love my Dad but I must stay off Facebook today..

Boundaries right?

So many of my pals praising their spouse

Charles is pretty awesome in some aspects

But he didn’t make parenthood fun for many years

Many years he left me alone in parenting and and judged me for so MUCH OMGoodnes and that’s not including affair years

So I don’t need to go on a tirade about that, but that’s what happened

So I’m learning my boundaries which sucks because I enjoy my SM

But I won’t die a day without it

And I’m thankful I have so many friends who love their spouses and have happy marriages that are strong

I really am.. still a bit jealous but not as bad as it used to be and that makes me happy

Here’s to a great day

Sometimes it’s like it never ends

And then I’m like but I can end it I can end the rage I don’t have to let it control me…

And then I find something.. something from the past

I sent him so many packages when he was in Iraq I tried so hard to Mom alone

And he backstabs me like he did..;

What brought me to this place?

Back before easy cell phones and FaceTimes

I got creative and would send him small tapes of me and the boy like a conversation

I wasted my time on such an asshole

Screw him tonight and the pain in my heart

Because his assholeness doesn’t remember

And he will never know..

he will never know the heartache

To love someone who doesn’t love you..

To give them such a part of your life to not care

Tonight I hate him and I’m working on focusing on me

My feelings are hurt more for me than anything.

It’s hard for me to disconnect from the pain

And the work I put in this relationship that meant nothing to him..

Screw you Charles if I knew the kind of man you were I wouldn’t have sent you a damn thing in Iraq and left your ass to come home to nothing…

The best part of lows

Is learning

I’ve got to change my thinking when it comes to wondering what Kendra is up to.

I’m not sure why I care

Wait I’m lying I do want to know

Not that I care if he’s cheating or if they talk

She can have him, there won’t be any tears for him walking away

Guess I just want to know because I’m nosy and how is Chris doing?

Sometimes I think of him and wonder how is he? And to thank him but I just stay away..

I’m learning from the low of the day before yesterday and addressing the why? What happened and how to avoid it from happening again

Neither of them are my business and tying myself to them through my own actions is frivolous

I have more things to fill my head with..

more activities to engage in

Digging

I went digging for information about Kendra and Chris

Why I am not sure

At first I went through my emails

Then the social, then the google

Why do I torment myself and why do I care?

Ugh

Sometimes I’m my worst enemy

Going home

Charles and I had a great time.

We did an escape room, arcades, fun food

And had lots of new experiences

I do miss him.

I’m pretty sure I still hate him for having an affair

But it’s not as strong

I know I’m not supposed to hate him I know but I still could get fired up real quick

Looking forward to heading home and getting ready for summer

I do miss my babies but I am also going to miss the quiet withdrawal that does not involve directing and re-directing constantly