Why the Hate?

My story is of a husband and best friend who lied to me in April 2012 that my husband was drunk and touched her at our latest get together. So I call in my church troops to save my marriage. My husband was in tears and apologizing. We go to counseling, bible studies, groups, and conferences to improve our marriage. I truly believed God was going to make this horrible thing in my life turn around for the better.. I was wrong..

I continue on with my best friend feeling guilty for her husband and family…

April 11th 2014 I get a call from my bff saying my husband and her have been texting and the messages became sexual which led to the incident 2 years ago, I was floored. I asked him numerous times if something was going on.. No, no honey..

From then until April 29th her husband and I kept getting more to the lie they wanted us to believe 2+ years ago. My husband never once helped me with the truth of his affair.

The whole story is they had been having sex since Jan 2012. On the highway, when I was out of town in my house, whenever they found a chance, her house is on his way to work so he’d leave my bed and go straight to hers. Β My husband would tell her where he was going on his business trips. If they were close enough they would drive to each other. She even sent a pair of underwear to my husband while he was in another state. One of the worst parts for me isΒ Β she tested positive for herpes and says he knew.

He denies knowing.

All the while my friendship with that whore still lingered on during this whole ordeal. I brought her gifts when I was out of town (she fully accepted them), she brought me food when I had our baby (yep had a baby during his affair- If you want to run and puke right now I understand, I felt like it when I first found out), watched kids (even during marital counseling pisses me off so bad), talked on the phone about Pinterest, meals for the family, taking each other out for our birthdays all the while this chic is sleeping with my husband..

Yeah you would think they both hated me and that I am a horrible person for having this happen to me. But unbelieving to me I’ve been called by her the most genuine, sincere, honest person ever by her. (Yes we did have a meeting). And he still continues to believe he loves me and wants to be with me the rest of his life.. I know, I wish God just took me during those moments.. because they don’t have a problem lying to my face for years. So all of a sudden when they are caught I’m awesome, it’s quite maddening.

Which is why I ended up in the psych ward for wanting to stab myself (May 2014) Above I mention the two people I hate the most right now. Getting down to the nitty gritty of it all. I hate myself. I hate myself for loving these people, and giving them all of me. I hate myself for not seeing this coming. And I’m working on forgiving myself for believing in our family, my marriage, that I am good enough, but it’s tough..

I do love God, have a vulgar mouth lately, and I am insanely ticked off with 4 beautiful children to raise. I feel everyone else on the earth including my family are suffering dealing with me because I harbor so much hate for these two people. I am pretty angry with God as well. Don’t get things twisted I do love God and Jesus I just don’t want to forgive the husband again.. and her.. oh don’t get me started..

Anyways I can only focus on one hate at a time so I started with him and while typing this I had to run into the living room go look him in the eye and tell him “I love you and you are a wonderful father to our children” because I was starting to feel the rage coming on. I do love the guy, I do (that part makes me sick as well) and he is a great Dad, our children absolutely love him. The anger did subside after I did that.. or maybe it was because of the short run down my hallway πŸ™‚

**update to this section my experiments were not working and now he is out of the house and I am working on my happiness maybe I should re-title the blog how 2 not hate myself after my husband and best friend have an affair together.

**update 1/15/2015 (I should have dated the updates) Separation never really worked we tried dating for a bit, we separated three times I think and we are in the same house and bed. It’s been 9 months after D-day. Depending on my mood I can say 8.


54 thoughts on “Why the Hate?

  1. I guess I should have read your whole blog before commenting, just did yikes…but you still write with humor and I believe in laughter. Even in the darkest days, God has given me laughter. I hope you heal and find peace, I hope your hate fades and you find yourself whole again.

  2. Well, they say (as comfort) that there are always stories out there that are worse than your own. I’m sad to say that yours is horrific. I’m so, so sorry to hear yet another story of selfish, a-hole spouses ready to hurt their whole family just for a thrill ride with someone they “don’t even care about.” It’s totally backwards and so devastating to an otherwise good marriage. Ugh. So sorry.

    I look forward to following your blog.

  3. I am almost In the exact same situation. My “BFF”…….(insert nasty names here) lives not 10 feet from me and my 3 kids. Kids know the whole story They had an inclination before even I did. Suspicions were confirmed 3 days after Christmas and he promptly said he couldn’t do this anymore and walked out the door! It’s been a little over 6 months now. He tells me he is so confused, doesn’t want that relationship, wants me and our life back but can’t “seem to get there” wtf is that?!? We have been together 17 years and married for 13 just last month was our anniversary but was not a celebratory day. Just a day of heartbreak. The whole story runs so deep. All our families have been destroyed. Kids, marriages and friendships. My H and the wh**e’s H were also best buds! I just runs so deep!! It is just like the jerry springer show…. Lol. This is the first time I have ever commented on a blog even though I’ve read yet hem all. Yours just hit home for me.

  4. Hi -your note said comments were off but its letting me write to you. I felt the need to extend a “comment hug” to you dear woman. While my story is very twisted and painful, I do feel for your situation having a friend whom you trusted betray you in such a way and your husband is heartless to have got mixed up with your friend. It is cruel of them to treat you like that. I would not be ableto handle having to see “her” all the time as your forced to do. There are those of us out there that blog to give one another strength and sometimes a laugh, sometimes a cry but we are here helping because we understand.
    Smiles to you -chely

  5. Thanks so much for dropping by my humble blog. I too, am a victim of my husband’s affair with a mutual friend. Only she’s in the USA and we are in Australia, and their affair was conducted over the internet, via text messages, emails, Skype, Line, mobile phone calls etc. He still maintains it wasn’t being unfaithful because there was no physical sex involved due to the distance. I say an emotional affair is still being morally unfaithful. Now we are trying out an “open marriage” where basically he can do whatever he jolly well wants with whoever he jolly well wants, only please never, ever come near me again for intimacy. The worst thing is, she’s 65, he’s 48, and, being an older woman she knew how to twist him round her little finger alright, so much so that I essentially became “the other woman”. I’ve never really come out and said so much about my husband’s affair til now…in my blog I express my emotions in the form of poetry and metaphors. (((HUGS))) to you, please love yourself and put yourself First.

    • Alyzen, The worst thing is she is 65?!. How about the fact that he not only betrayed you and clearly doesnt care how deeply he has hurt you, but to add monumental insult to epic injury, convinced you to stay in an “open” marriage-of course its his idea. WTMF!? I am beyond outraged for you and pray you find the strength to leave his manipulative ass. Pls love yourself and put yourself first.

  6. Pingback: Evening Day 3.. | How To Not Hate My Husband

  7. Thanks for linking to my blog so I could find yours! I’m totally intrigued by your writing, and relate to the infidelity nonsense. It’s still shocking to me what cheaters are capable of. Have you checked out Chumplady.com or divorceminister.com? They both have some great takes on recovering from infidelity. Chumplady will appeal to your potty mouth, and divorceminister to your relationship with God.

    • I have checked them out and they were informative. Maybe I need to check them out again to see if anythings new
      I’m glad I found you too πŸ™‚ I’m serious about the post its. Although I air on the lazy side so I may just use dry erase markers

  8. Oh my goodness…I can so relate…I’m surprised I’m not in a psych ward…I’ve wanted to kill myself so many times…I won’t give you details but my husband has seen murder toward him in my eyes. I really wanted to kill him when I had to share time with my grandparents with him around Christmas…they are so precious to me…and he…he was so vile and so easily pretended all was well, while I looked crazy. Well I’ve had to experiment with about 7 different meds…now I’ve found 3 that work for me…with out the right dosage of all of them I’m insane…seriously. I can relate with the whole having a baby while your husbands having an affair and him bringing me presents from his mistress for the baby and me…the best of all was when I was in the hospital and she gave him a journal to give to me to record every day of the baby’s first year…I wanted to knock her teeth out when I first found out…that’s not all I wanted to do…I got so angry I wanted to crawl out of my skin…I wanted so badly to die…I wished he had murdered me rather than cheat… It’s absolutely crazy when your spouse lies to you…you feel like your whole world is a lie and it messes with your mind and the only security you have is on God…cling to him. Cling to the hope that this is not your home. Cling to the truth that God will never let you down. If you’re angry with the Lord it just means you need to hear him speak his truth lovingly and gently to your heart…I’m so sorry you are walking through this ❀ My heart aches for you and I relate with so much of what you said…I don't know what the HECK is up with 2012 but so many guys cheated on their wives…in the guise of Christianity, involvement, and all the religious cover ups. BLAH! The worst!

  9. Sometimes you need strong ugly words to describe strong ugly feelings. One of my favorite quotes is by Anne Lamott, who is deeply religious. When I first read it after my separation began, it gave me “permission” to think terrible thoughts, which was my first step to admitting the horrible things my ex-husband had done to me. Once I could admit the truth, I could start to deal with it, and heal.

    Here it is!

    β€œI thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”

  10. Wow, I experience the hate as well. My husband is a wonderful father also. I love him and hate him at the same time. This makes me conflicted. We just need to start worrying about ourselves more. Take care of our spirits. Maybe that will help.

    • M’s AP invited us to a party and we were there our kids her kids and then M I guess touched her ass.at the party and when M told me I called her and she’s all yes he touched me but they had already had sex prior and were sexting. bunch of sickos.. I swear

    • I just saw this D&S the touching of ass happened April 2012, but I found out about him cheating April 2014.
      But he’d been playing with her since Jan 2012..
      I know to have it basically happen like 2 years to the day of them touching each other and him taking the blame for it.. and prolonging the madness just sickens me..

      • How are you feeling now? My God, honestly, my God…how are you to process that one? only He knows. How can you ever believe him? I don’t know how you can reconcile this…I’ve gone up and down and Thank God if you are doing well. But for real even I am progressively feeling I am falling out of love with my husband as I process all of this. I see an immaturity that has held growth back. My parents always said I need to marry a man…they didn’t want me to marry him and now i see why I’ve gotten nothing but crap as I wore rose colored glasses I could not see the truth…I tend to really listen and take to heart and prayer the things my parents and dear friends say to me because they can see things about myself that I am blind to…as well as I can see things they can not…but to take in a more wider perspective. My brain has been hit by a Mac truck…so the neurons have been bouncing around trying to adapt trying to follow the path they used to take in my brain only to find a road block…a few can by pass this and as time has gone on and I’ve “leveled out” I can see things more logically. He’s very delayed in maturity though he may be growing…that is hard for me to believe, because he was such a liar. I do not feel safe with him. We went on a date yesterday and I enjoyed the date, but I have a hard time enjoying him…I used to adore my time with him…but who is he? Why should I enjoy someone I know to be a deceiver. All I can do is rely on the Lord right now…I will not move unless he tells me to. I don’t trust my feelings and I don’t trust him, the only one I trust is the Lord and I will follow his peace through the storm but HIS grace.

      • Preach it sister.. and by choosing Love we don’t lose.. but I definitely feel the same with the maturity level. Ugh hello you treat others and you want to be treated.. Duh did you miss that in school M?
        Yeah the maturity is so sad for me and I just feel like the man has just kept me down with his stupidness. Why did I love such a stupid little boy instead of a man?

      • Again I am so sorry for what you have gone through…I have been bad about reading your blog and I have had writers block…not that i don’t write just nothing post worthy really…It’s been crazy around here…so much to do. With Christmas and company .Working on ton of paintings…trying to sell them for Christmas, and working on a custom painting, which is done now, thankfully! My paintings were excepted to hang for sale at a local coffee house like over a month ago and it’s hard to get in there with a 2 year old, you know?

      • YAY!!! It would be hard to stay anonymous eh? What do you paint??? As I was reading one of your recent posts I was thinking…Gosh I would love to see this woman I really want to show you the woman my husband cheated on me with

      • detail work is pretty awesome…I’m more abstract and love to figure out different texture techniques…either by research or on my own. I would really like to see your paintings. I wish there was a chat on here…I feel like I’m writing too much too fast. You said that your husband went to school? Did you go to a bible college together?

  11. Pingback: This is where it started | Surviving Infidelity Support

  12. I had a police officer tell me “She made a vow to you, he didn’t.” I so wanted to punch that cop in the face. Instead I sold my house and business and moved south of the Mason – Dixon line. She came with us and her Alcoholism continues to fuck us up. We are trying an open marriage thingy. God? Yep – I am not afraid at all to meet them now, religion will simply pile on fake guilt and burden you in ways Jesus promised not to– I hope you find God and ditch religion.

    • Thanks for the concern DDK πŸ™‚ I have a personal relationship with Christ and I don’t feel guilty or a burden from God at all. I just wanted to do the best I can to walk what I believe and teach my children as such… So when I do get to meet him.. i know I’m a big goofy hateful at times sinner that I’m not coming to meet him as a shallow hypocrite that stomped on his beautiful children..
      Not that, that at all matters to God he loves me as I am.. it matters to me…

      • “Walk what I believe” I hear that, my Dad was a Pastor, church Sunday -morning and evening, Wed nights and any and all special events. I also believe I am “saved”. But am trying to figure out what that really means. My wife also claims a relationship with The King of Kings. We attended an ultra conservative Baptist Church until 6/2009 when we left due to multiple pedophiles that needed to be put in prison. 20/20 did a piece “Shattered Faith” that tells some of the story. I never used to swear, but then thought it ironic that the same people judging me for saying fuck, we’re the same people protecting pedophiles- Jesus would call that billshit! Lol– stay sane!

  13. OMG! I cannot even describe the absolute horror and disgust I am feeling right now. Having been on both sides, I have always felt that my husband was my problem not the ow. But before I get to the piece of crap you married, she was your best friend!!!! I am just glad you didn’t kill them and that you are there for your kids.
    A baby during the affair?!? I can’t imagine the depravity and ruthlessness necessary to carry out such behavior. Oh sweetie, your anger is not only justified but I would worry if you didn’t hate that lying sick twisted poor excuse for a human being. He needs mental help and an exorcism!!!

  14. You know I recently wrote an article about the complexities of infidelity and marriage, borne from a discussion that basically ended with a statement that there is an implicit expectation that once married, you make it work no matter what. I vehemently disagreed, saying it really isn’t that simple(not to say you can’t stay to make it work but it really is harder than it sounds). I think you embodied exactly the point I was making. I’m sorry you had to go through all of what you had. Stay positive, whether you stay with him or not, I think it’ll work out for the better. Keep writing:)

  15. Hi ‘me’ I just find your blog, googleling to try to find out why I hate so much infildelty. My history, I am divorse from a great woman but not more love any more.. she is so good. After 6 year of divorce I meet a girl working in a book store, she was pregnad I did not notice… blabla…. I got in love with her and I helped during all his pregnacy, I bring she to my house, I was so happy, more the ever in my live.. any people can notice I was so happy. But I discover she lie insted to be alway honest. So she lie, and lie… until one day she left the house… the baby was already 3 month old ant that time… since that has pass already 7 month and 1/2, I am still in pain… feel better but still living with depression. I hope you got your felicity, I hope you the best, Take care. Leo

  16. I love your blog and the honesty. I read most of the comments here and isn’t it interesting that we all want anonymity? It is so alone not to be able to share the whole mess with one’s friends and instead look for a community of unknown people who share the experience. You have a lot of courage staying with him after he did that for 2 years. My wife went with him for only a month and (if I can believe her) slept with him only twice, but it is hard not to hate. She left him and came back, but still yearns for him and how he made her feel. It is now 4 months and 22 days since d-day and it is still throwing this shadow over everything. I do not think that anything will ever be the same.

    If I did not believe that God’s grace is enough for me and for her I think I would not have been able to continue. When I do remember Jesus and his love and grace and get the perspective of an eternity with Him it gives me courage to cope with the pain (and ongoing responsibilities) of this life.

    • I think for me it’s more for the kids than anything If it was just me I don’t think I would care about anon or his job too.
      I am so sorry this has happened to your marriage and you are so right thinking the bigger picture about how much Christ loves us and continues too that there is hope.
      Here’s to the journey John email anytime 😊

  17. Wow plenty to digest there! My father had an affair with one of my mother’s best friends. In fact, this group of people who hung around together started out doing so by church activities. He has been married to her for 30 years and has never been happy. So I do kind of get what you are going through and I am sorry that you had two major schmucks in your life.

  18. “You would think … that I am a horrible person for having this happen to me.”

    Nope. People aren’t horrible when things happen to them. Often the people who make the things happen are horrible.

    “I hate myself. I hate myself for loving these people, and giving them all of me. I hate myself for not seeing this coming.”

    *hugs* hating yourself is hating the wrong person. You need more love in your life, not more hate. Saying that from my perspective is probably far easier than acting on it from yours, but I really think you’d be better off loving yourself.

    “I’m working on forgiving myself for believing in our family, my marriage, that I am good enough, but it’s tough..”

    Uh, what??! Why do you have to forgive yourself for believing you’re good enough???? You ARE good enough. You can believe it. Guilt free. Believing in your family and your marriage is no crime either, it’s pretty much the basis of having either.

    “I am pretty angry with God as well.”

    I’m pretty sure He can take that πŸ™‚ He’s got to be bigger than your anger πŸ˜‰

    “I just don’t want to forgive the husband again.. and her”

    No one can make you, and if they could it would be something other than forgiveness.

    “I do love the guy”

    I’m guessing you wouldn’t have married him otherwise :), and you haven’t necessarily changed as much as he has…

    “he is a great Dad, our children absolutely love him”

    Understandable. He’s their dad. It doesn’t always work out, but kids almost always love their parents…

    *hugs* You are so strong, and have been through so much. I am always amazed how much people can take. I wish you all the best, in whichever direction is best for you

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