Update it’s not going well

I know I’m a bad ass but sometimes

Well let’s not play this whole dam marriage I put my self esteem on sale for this man

Soooo… things aren’t going well we did see a counselor to try and communicate with a mediator of sorts because well…

Our home, how we cannot afford two places to live right now.. how the kiddos love their school district

But us… he’s intense and the less I love him the more he ages and just looks so sad

Don’t get me wrong but that adage where he was special to me and then he just wasn’t he’s a dime a dozen man.. gender norms, protects himself before our family but would definitely say he doesn’t do that

I miss my ignorance when this all went down in AK… I could stomach him and he wasn’t such a sick.. but here back in KS

It’s so prevalent he doesn’t like me and he could never love me.. how could a man who can’t stomach himself give me anything?

I just wish he could.. like if he chose me decided to not be a prick and love me the way I deserve

Pick me.. my poor heart wants that so bad

Then I remember he never will it’s no use saying anything anymore to him

And it’s for the best I suppose

I just want this to not be so hard..

My new life of an entry level job is lame and driving 20-30min for a job that barely pays has been grating on me but he doesn’t care..

I hope it always won’t be like this but lately I’m sad.. the transition is hard

School started this week and my AS in IT is on the horizon, plus my certifications, plus my experience I hope to get back my life

To pay for my own way and never need him

Yeah that would be pretty nice…

A month

A month of separation

I tell my coworkers I’m separated

I’m getting used to it

Charles acts like he hasn’t been in a relationship for 23 years to me

How easily this man gives up

I will surpass him and I can’t wait until the day I don’t have to see him on a daily basis

I thought maybe we could be friends with benefits

Forge this new path together but he feels differently

We can learn to be friends

But just like loving me when married even a friendship is too much for this man when regarding me

I feel for him because he will regret this and I’m not going to miss him one bit

I cry for how he never loved me and how I made myself small hoping he would love me love our family

How I begged for his attention how I wanted him above any other

Foolish girl I want to say but I’ve grown so much because of his darkness and I am freeing myself from him

I feel lighter

The Separation

It’s happening people..

I told him I no longer wanted to be married

We are staying for the kids, debt, and that we cannot afford two rents right now

I worry I will die before I’m done with him and there isn’t a custody dispute

But am excited about the future

I’ve been through many feelings and from coming to not wanting to hate him to wishing and praying he would die, to apathy, to this..

I don’t know what to say but your girl over here just has many steps I guess 🤣🤣🤣

Here’s to me

Happy Sat everyone

Love NH

It gets tiring

Going to school taking care of the kids

Meal planning, budgeting but not in a tired defeated way.. at least not now but just a weary

I’m happy it seems as if I’m starting over and taking the reigns of so much of my life

I’m figuring out a plan to work out more and live life to the fullest!

I feel like I’m clawing my way out of really good dirt earthy and easily moved but I’m like in it above my head and just clawing out

Clawing for movement and to get out of where I was..

I miss my Dad a lot and am working on honoring him through my actions through how I treat the kids and my life

To love myself harder

And to know if there comes a choice between my happiness or Charles it has to be me

No excuses.. no saying to myself but it might get better

I have to make the better for my amazing self and these amazing kids

Grief and a Job

So I’m graduating from Technical school and got a job!

That’s right how many times have I said I got a job or am looking for one or what have you..

Anyways on my way up and out

I recently broke it to the husband about how I feel he’s emotionally abusive and we’ve been pretty separated ever since

I need to put together some business casual clothes and am excited to start my journey to becoming financially independent again

I found a trauma therapist and am seeing them

I’m working towards more certifications and hoping to finish my AS next summer

by then hoping to find another job to work at or work at the university to pay for my BS LOL just cracks me up about the BS abbreviation

My Dad’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I miss him.. I miss him a lot but also don’t miss feeling like a failing caregiver although the regret from that is tough

I think my marriage will dissolve along the timeline I’m wanting or maybe even sooner depending on how much money I’m making but I’m taking it day by day I start in a few weeks

I feel like I’m clawing my way back to me.. in the dirt and it’s tiresome but in the best way possible

I love you all and hope you are doing well and to those who are not I hope peace for you and to know you are worthy of respect and kindness always

❤️NH

My Dad died

On a random Tues

Viewing was held and I found him.

Terrible thing is we weren’t getting along before he passed

I should have seen that as a sign maybe he wasn’t doing too well

I had been stressed in school and I always felt like I was failing him

Caregiving isn’t my strongest trait

I miss him so much I want to go with him..

This life has been hard and then this marriage but oh my babies how I love them

Charles and I got into it once again. He continues to just be a partner who says things but does not back up what they say.. actions are so much more to me and I told him my plan of my 10 yr divorce

Suppose that is a long time but you know I can’t just blow up my life because I am not in love with Charles and he continues to show his ass

Also to note he has told me he’s not in love with me either so it’s a mutual thing

But 10 years the children will be out of school because in the US it does matter where your kiddos go to school and districts and so forth

Resumes are hopefully going to be done tonight because you know a job will get me started towards financial independence and move the career ladder.

I miss my Dad so much.. I didn’t think I would but I do..

88 years old I truly thought he would make 100

I always thought that if I left Charles my Dad would be around I regret not leaving him in 2005 but I don’t regret these babies

Gosh I love them and can you believe Squish is 9?

My youngest almost double digits??

10 yrs will go by so fast.

It’s been almost 10 yrs before the year of DDay in 2014 and it does and doesn’t feel that long ago

Also Bob if you still read this the boy has been bringing up your kiddo and it still breaks my heart what our ridiculous spouses took from our kids

Happy Holidays everyone ❤️💯

Back in School

Well both of us are again

Crazy we both are studying Information Tech

He’s going to be gone for 3 weeks

And I’m not sad just trying to get our family organized to survive without him

Looking into a facility for my Dad I just need to live my own life and he his

He’s not my responsibility and he can find his own way with a little help

Just figuring out where to put him

Pretty sure in WA might be his best bet or maybe here I’m not sure

But next year I graduate and I am currently looking for a job in cybersecurity

And I have to swim and not have him weighing me down the kids are a lot as is and I have to become financially independent. Currently in therapy to figure out boundaries with Charles and if a marriage out of convenience is something I’m willing to continue to do while I get back on my feet

School has been neat to work with others and look into a plan for my life. Charles still had many excuses but the man is depressed and truly isn’t willing to work on our relationship the way I think we need to. But who’s right or wrong in that aspect? Hopefully therapy will help me make sure not if I’m making the right decision because right now the plan is to leave him.

But I’m not interested in changing lifestyles until I can afford to help and I would like Charles and I to pay off our debt together and make a good split if we do. And my resentments towards him I just want to air out because he doesn’t hear me at least I don’t think he does.

Anyways things are okay. I’m excited to take on a new career and help the kiddos find their way in life as well

Found a therapist that seems will work out so excited about that and I’m looking forward to moving my Dad out and finding my piece while Charles is gone

Bombed my coding interview and Our stories are similar

Yup it was more logistics and I didn’t prepare in their certain way but this doesn’t mean I don’t know how to code.

Which was what the interviewer thought and that was very discouraging.. it was just many things went wrong in that interview I didn’t prep on the site I was supposed to prep in, I couldn’t use the solution I created it was not what I had envisioned. But I cried and moved on.. I may get a second chance. Who knows it did devastate me but I live on to create another day that I love.

I’m back in therapy again. I just can’t stand Charles again.. also my new therapist is an old man.. why would I do that to myself well that was the first available appt and I was a mess

He wasn’t terrible but I’m not sure he was what I’m looking for.. anyways I was listening to affair podcasts awhile back ago and the thought just bothers me that this couple who claim they are great now and talk about affairs and help others they say..

And one of the things they wanted betrayed to come to terms or acknowledge is that our stories are similar not many deviate and that there should be some comfort in that. Our spouses activities are not unique.

But I don’t find comfort in it and I don’t think our stories should feel so lumped together

I think it is just a way to dismiss our stories and that does not sit right with me

Because while their activities are completely unoriginal our stories are not, neither is our pain, how we handled the trauma and how we carried it and continue to carry it. No matter what that looks like for all of us.

Happiest of Weds

NH

The April hit…

This day 10yrs ago Charles tells me he touched Kendra..

I wouldn’t have known that but my body does.. leading up to April.. I don’t know exact dates sometimes FB helps me but I’m learning I just start to feel off..

I wrote this to Charles recently because I am reading the New Monogamy redefining your relationship after infidelity and I’m going through the book anyways. He didn’t correct me and agreed. I absolutely hate I was just a toy.. for years.. fuck him.. today is a fuck him today..

Also about the book there are many things I disagree with.. but I’m giving it a bit of benefit and finish it to give my legit opinion.

Still haven’t heard back from the the dev academy but I know it can take some time I wonder if I will be petty see our kids through high school and just one day pack up and leave..

Just on a whim.. just one random day.. I will have divorce papers on the bed. All my stuff gone and hopefully the house will be paid off and I’ll find myself a new place on my own. Without him.. I wonder if he knows I wonder if he still reads this..

April hits hard you guys so hard for me..

Coding application turned in

Yup so now it’s a waiting game I’m still going to continue to learn to code and gain more certifications as I can because I may not get in.:

Lately I’ve felt empowered like I really think Charles understands that my love for my family held me back from leaving his ass behind financially and emotionally

And now the kiddos are older and they need us so much more in many new ways but it’s not like they are tied to the breast anymore or I’m homeschooling them.

He’s been cleaning more and doing things without being prompted.. it’s so fucking nice..

I wonder when I start my new career in tech will I find someone more compatible. I wonder if I will leave Charles once I’m financially independent. I wonder if he ever thought his fucked up control over me and the kids the tyranny would end??

It’s crazy marrying a complete emotional dunce because he doesn’t remember a lot about our history.. just of course he was unhappy and had an affair

But even before what I complete douche canoe he was. I’m glad I have psycho parents because I’m used to abusers forgetting..

It’s like their MO

Bonkers

But I’m pressing on.. I think Charles is learning a lot about himself because he has a lot of alone and down time because I have no interest in spending time with him

I’m either busy coding getting my house to a livable condition Squish still loves the floor but she needs a foundation

Decision end will be June 15 but we will have a coding technical review as well.

I’m excited but also just trying to hype myself up…even if I don’t get in I did it.. I applied to change my life.. I’m applying myself to do things I would never do.. and once I get a job that makes more than Charles I will be golden!! Because I hope he understands and remembers

I don’t need him

I don’t need his trauma

I don’t need him weighing me down

And I’ll be damned if I get ever let that shit happen to me again and I will always make a space for my kids because people are soooo fucked in the head that they will always have a space to escape to or come home no matter the situation

I never had that.. and I think it’s what led me to believe I was building a family with Charles no matter the asshattery

❤️💯