The arguments over Math

So he comes home he has an appt

And I was asking if it’s too late to drop the class for a full refund 

And he said yeah and was saying how I should probably do the math before this one 

And so on

And well

One thing led to another 

Because if I’m going to drop it well 

I’ve put so much time into it 

And effort 

And well I think he doesn’t understand the effort 

Or the fact that I’m doing what usually comes naturally to me book work and it isn’t 

Somewhere my time with Math has come and all my eye rolling to others who just couldn’t get it a long time ago 

Now I understand their plight and it’s killing me 

This coming from a girl who was in Physics in high school 

I didn’t do well because it was so early in the morning 

Anyways 

I don’t know if I want to drop it just yet 

However it’s hard to put the marriage aside and use this as some sort of I’ve worked hard on this marriage and well should’ve cut my losses a LONG time ago 

Should I cut my losses now?

Well off to take a shower wipe the college algebra off my brain for now and go pick up Squish in 15 minutes or so

The stress of this class is frustrating but even in that I feel like I’m developing character 

Although I don’t feel the need to talk to him about my lows 

I can make decisions without him 

I think a part of my anger lies within that he still feels the need to be such a big part of my life 

And acts as such 

Like a fixer of my problems

Like a husband who never stabbed me in the back 

Like his suggestions have more weight than if a stranger were to give me advice on dropping college algebra 

And unlike a stranger they wouldn’t bat an eye 

But him no he will take offense 

Sometimes I feel like that character on American Beauty the guy where he notices his wife fooling around and he says

“You don’t ever get to tell me what to do anymore.”

He says he means well that he doesn’t want to make me angry…

Not sure how to take that..

I hate the tension in the house our arguments leave..

And I get in a crossroad wondering should I care or not..

I’m leaning towards the not 

But who knows

Anyways don’t be surprised if I bomb Chapter 1 I won’t be 

And now off to get the baby and figure out the schedule time for a tutor 

Least I’m not failing 

Spanish 

Haste Luego!!

I had to farm Squish out

Finishing up chapter 1 today in College Algebra 

And the rest is tonight so we shall see if I have learned anything

I’m so tired 

School is draining on my time it always has been 

However I needed sleep and well I wake up fresh unfortunately with a headache 

So now I’m getting ready to hit the books 

So thankful knowing wonderful people to take my kiddo 

Here’s to the day everyone and here’s not bringing that F to a D!!

Failing again..and Me..

Dangit.. College Algebra is kicking my ass.. I feel pretty stupid.. but I finally got my book in and am reworking the chapter.. and if I fail Chapter 1.. well I’m gonna get me a tutor..

Although I really don’t want one.. seriously.. I have issues with needing help..

Charles and I argued this point about the tutor thing after I failed to get my assignment in on time because 1 problem was taking me an hour folks.. yeah an hour.. FML.. eyerolls and I look forward to doing better.. because it really can’t get any worse.. at this point I’m just looking for a C.. at the end of December..

The stress of this class takes my momentum off the things in my other classes..

But I’ve got to push through.. I’m good at math at least I used to be and once I pass this class I will never have to take it again.. ever.. Thank the Lord..

And back to me.. I know it was small but that table cloth and those towels.. well.. I had a great time buying them.. I saw them and was like go for it!!

I don’t normally do that.. I wait.. then regret later..

A small win for me..

At least I hope so. I’m debating whether to sleep on the couch or in my bed..

I feel so distant from a man I have known for 15 yrs. Breaks my heart still to think about it.

Not affair, but just that I don’t know him.

He asked today after I said our marriage is horrible.. He said is it really horrible? And I said yes and no. Yes in that we are struggling to hold on to so little between us and we’ve known each other for so long it is horrible.. and sad.. and no because I’m being treated as I should have been all along. Really well. Seriously guys this past year well I have been respected, cared for, taken care of, and he’s been assisting without resenting.

He makes lunches, decisions with me, leads bible studies..

I’ve been trying to see what it is that I like about him and it’s sad on my part I don’t have alot to go off of throughout our whole marriage aside from a great Dad and provider.

Oh and that rubbing my face against his still feels amazing.

Even with wrinkles and all

We barely knew each other getting married.

I thought we could make it.. we didn’t…

My husband was a crappy friend for 14 years to me.

That still stings..

I think I will sleep in my bed tonight I’m tired and have company coming in the morning..

 

Lots of thought

Thinking what is it about Charles that I admire.

That I adore.

And can I see him as those things instead of a disgusting whore..

And what is it about me that I just love physical touch..

To be honest..

I adored the way he made me feel. Protected, safe like he was always looking out for my best interests..

His strong arms.. his stunning blue eyes..

He no longer makes me feel those things but fuck that I was what 20 and with no kids? I no longer need to feel protected and have someone looking out for me.

  1. I’ve got Jesus

So anyways I just want to figure out why I want to hug him. Is it just me being in need of  a hug and really I can hug anyone but he’s just there.

And the he’s just there part gets me.

He’s a person.. I don’t think I’ve treated Charles like a person since I’ve met him. I’ve treated him as just there. Like my porn problem I don’t care about those people I see having sex.. their dreams goals.. I don’t care.. and it’s such a waste of my life to dawdle on such things..

I did used to care about Charles goals and dreams.. I really wanted them all to come true so I guess it isn’t just like the porn thing..

But now I don’t. I care about mine. I care about what I need.

I can’t put it into words.. I will be writing and praying more about this… may just need to try and sort it out from the beginning..

 

I don’t know why I do the things I do 

Is it lust that I just want a hug or a kiss?

Maybe I’m so messed up to only use a person for what I want 

I’m going to pray about this as I get ready for Boys court of honor 

I kissed him 

I wanted him to sit next to me 

And he feels me up 

And I use him 

I don’t really care about his day I used to but I don’t now 

I didn’t mean to intentionally today but I’m realizing it and wanted to write this down 

Now some could say he deserves that

Or some would say I’m giving him mixed signals which isn’t fair 

And I would say to those people they are right equally 

I also would comment on my position that I am finding me 

And sometimes thoughts like today are not so clear

I don’t want to use Charles even if he still disgusts me from time to time I don’t want to use or abuse him 

He is a person with thoughts, feelings and he wasn’t always a slut bag spouse 

I’m not making excuses for him 

But I am also not letting this be a free pass for me to say I’m sorry 

I’m going to dwell for a bit how i feel about all of this 

I absolutely know that I don’t want to use Charles he isn’t just a pleasure doll

And not that this makes up for his behavior but when I asked after his stupidness was all out I asked him so you want to do it on the highway in the dark? 

And he said No you deserve so much better than that 

I still feel happy about that 

Because I do deserve to be treated so much better than slut spouse 

But does it really matter?

No it doesn’t 

Does it change how I feel about him? 

Nope 

Alright enough Lollygagging 

Off to homework I go 

Lonely and Practicing writing my dating profile

Yup.. I’m lonely…

Feel like I shouldn’t be..

He’s been touching me being friendly

I’m just not feeling it..

But I wonder if the loneliness is just wanting someone to love. I still miss being crazy in love.. However I’m glad to know it wasn’t really love between Charles and I it was just plain crazy..

A few truths.. I always felt I never knew Charles.. come to find out I was right all along.. He didn’t even know himself.. suppose no one does to a point.. however when you turn on all your values for slutville.. that’s a whole other person. I don’t care what kind of fog anyone’s under and that’s a person I want nothing to do with.. at all.

Sometimes I wonder what lurks in his bearded self, like fine sex with a slut wife make you go gaga, he was escaping whatever, but to me? It still grosses me out.. He still grosses me out.. and me just being here somedays grosses me out..

Okay so absolute truth what we had was not love in our marriage. I didn’t love him, he didn’t love me. We thought we were in love. Just like the sluts.. So now that I have awoken which brings me to writing my dating profile..

Which btw.. Charles has blocked any dating site and no I’m not looking for anyone. It’s mainly for me. To write down what I would want in a relationship and those dating profiles have questions designed in there for me to think…

I feel like I’m starting over. I get a fresh start at how I want another relationship to work or even me processing how I view relationships. How I view Charles, this marriage, what we are doing..

I’m not sleeping in my bed tonight I’m on the couch again.

I’m just not feeling this anymore.

Maybe I’m growing.. maybe I’m backsliding.. I was on Craigslist I told a guy he was handsome. He was I wasn’t in the age range he was looking for and nor am I trying to get with him. But I did tell him he was handsome and he should be able to find a companion in no time..

Call me the most encouraging Craigslist person ever

Well done procrastinating off to read more textbooks..🙂

How can one be lonely with so much reading to do..

 

 

 

A little reminder of the past 

Good grief has it really been almost 2 and 1/2 years since I found this place of WordPress??

Another blogger who left but we met at the same time commented 

And well wow sometimes I forget the relationships I’ve forges here that have long left our blogging space 

I have to say while I always HATE to find another blog of our betrayed masses to be deleted, private, or a sweet nothing to be found 

I love hearing from those who have gone to check in or view those who are still here 😊😊😊😊

I don’t plan on leaving 

Or deleting

I think my only concern is my children finding years of torment if I stay with their father 

Or if I die a quick death from an accident or something 

Our son knows about this place his mother goes he’s quick to not talk about it because I see his face when he does 

That boy loves his Dad and for good reason 

He loves this family and anything that might possibly put an end to it he worries 

Well anyways always good to hear from friends of the past 

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever make a decision 

If I will commit to something or someone 

I’m not a fan of commitment to anyone now except Jesus and NH and I hate to say my kids because to me they are not commitments 

But whatever 

Anyways good news is I don’t feel as lost as I did 

Still a bit of an emotional wreck 

And plans to create my own home gym is in the works

So there’s that 

😊 Happy Tues everyone 

Lost..

Oh dear..

My college algebra assignments are seriously.. something is going awry and well.. it’s so frustrating..

But aside from school.

I feel lost..

I wonder if it’s all the crap I’ve been eating..

Probably.. but I feel lost..

lack of  sleep perhaps.. more on our schedule?

The fact this darn bloody curse just keeps going on and on..

However I look at Charles and I have just been so conflicted.

He treats me well.. I mean it’s fantastic.. the compliments the encouragement..

But there’s always a but in there somewhere.

I look at him and think.. I mattered so little to him that I could be anything to him. I could be the roommate, the wife he loves, the crap wife he fell out of love with and was so crappy he needed a wife slut to fulfill his life, and me as a person mattered so little.

Still makes me very sad thinking about it. I finally pinned down a very thoughtful thought without rage, just sadness.

I always wanted him to see me, I never felt he truly did. And now I see myself more than I ever have before.. and I don’t care if he ever sees me, appreciates me..

I look at him and his looks are fading.. he’s older, and well I wonder what this means for me..

He’s just a man to me.. he used to be special oh how he used to SHINE to me..

Now, I wonder about his death and what kind of widow I will be..

If he outlives me and is that anyway to live?

I’m not sure..

My first instinct is to say no..

Thanks for all the love.. that fucking Kendra name..and Growth..

Thank you for the love and encouragement in what was such a fucking disaster of a math test..

My first fail in academia.. and I’m talking the whole lot.. like from K-college I have never failed that bad in math.. EVER!!

Which I kind of always prided myself on.. but boy did I take a hit last night..

Even now looking at my gradebook.. FUCK!!..

But a few grand things happened while I was working on calming down today..

  1. OMGoodness you guys thank for the encouragement and support. The kind words, even got to watch a video clip.. super blessed and feel like.. I am not the dumbest person on the planet.. which now you see my crazy behavior not only is hard on myself after dealing with Charles and Kendra I’m hard on myself about everything.. Thanks for helping me work my way out of that..
  2. Charles got me tulips the roses were dead at Safeway.. and chocolate and soda..
  3. I’m doing so well at taking care of myself I didn’t just down all of it I shared the chocolate and will probably give the soda to the boy..
  4. Because junk food just makes me feel crappy later on and well.. I have to stay on top of things if I’m going to bring my already D up in Algebra.. seriously a D.. in like only 2 weeks of class.. yeah you know your girl NH is gifted.. (HA!)
  5. I want to give up, I want to be alone, and y’all know those options are not options.. and I’m breathing and not giving up.. I worry it’s just my fight of positive thinking things will get better if I work hard enough at it.. I worry that doesn’t work in relationships and it doesn’t work in academia either.. but I’m moving on without wanting to kill myself.. I know the drama I ensue…but those thoughts creep up on me.. when failure sets in and my why bother trying attitude..
  6. I am addressing my craziness.. and learning to FAIL big.. and that’s okay.. doesn’t mean I’m not smart, or never going to amount to anything..

Alright on another note my internet has been LAGGGGGGING goodness.. So I call and the customer service lady said “Good Afternoon this is Kendra how can I help you today”.. Ugh.. I don’t know about you guys but hearing her name still bothers me.. Meeting people with her name.. I can guarantee I will not be friends with another Kendra. I’m sure they are great people.. These are the times I wish I was a Sarah so that douchebag Kendra gets to hear my name all the time.. but nope I have a pretty original name..

Also I was FB stalking and saw a picture of Jessie yeah I’m having a moment and I looked at that precious girl.. and thought to myself.. I have wished this poor girl’s mother dead.. I have thought about Kendra’s death numerous times.. or harm..

When I hugged her in the mental ward.. I should have choked her..

Suppose it’s all part of my stages of grief..

Anyways.. I looked at that little girl and thought.. I’m sorry I wanted your Momma to die..

I’m sorry to wish ill will on that lame woman Kendra.. was to make the whole family suffer.. and I felt conflicted.. and sad..

All of these things today.. Growth is always on the horizon for me.. I hope to be a beautiful garden one day and the rot and torment of the hurt in my very dirt.. the weeds that choke out the growth that I’ve allowed to grow will be no more..

Joel 2:25New Living Translation (NLT)

25 The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost
    to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts,
the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.[a]