He’s gone on business and Do you still talk about the affair? 

And I’m doing my nails I swear it’s because of my nail biting habit I got so sick so now I have nails 


Not too shabby for a first timer with nails 


Tried to get fancy didn’t work LOL

Like a full set and I wanted to paint them so I did.

Anyways back to my post he’s gone and I neither miss him or want him 

Suppose I’m just working my way to free 

Not in like a career but free from the codependent roles in my life and working my way free of most of my terrible habits 

Like my floor that I sanded and did not finish 

Have yet to finish 

College officially started today 

And that was a challenge I’ve never had so many classes that I have to be at my desk for 

And there’s my 3 year old Squish who did not get into headstart because her family makes to much money but not enough to afford $250 a month preschool what the hell??

So homeschooling preschool and 1/2 time with the boy…

It’s busy

And a commenter asked if I ever talk with Charles about the affair and I haven’t thought about communicating with him about it.

We haven’t in a LONG time and when we do it’s usually me jabbing at his character 

Like he will say “Yeah I got a hot college wife!!”

And I will say “You weren’t this excited last time and you had a hot college wife back then too just you didn’t care then. It’s weird you care now.”

So things like that and I wonder if it’s okay 

He knows it hasn’t gone away or the fact I still treat him insanely different now 

It is weird though he laughs so much more and I can’t help but love it 

Not because of anything “we” related but just on a human level 

Laughing is one of my favorite things to do. 

And he takes part in it 

Seems he’s been dead so long and he needed to sulk in the garbage of him and Kendra to realize what a zombie he is and was…

I wonder if laughing for him is a trigger of what an asshole he was and still can be 

For example

I needed to make rolls for church. I forgot. Thought I would get up early with Charles and go to the store. I didn’t 

So we have to be at church by 10:50  

I leave for the store that I want to buy watermelon at and flour. So I come home with watermelons, flour, and cinnamon rolls. I get in the house about 10:27.

And he is stressing because I don’t do what I say I am going to do. (Go ahead and laugh I did in my head)

So instead of addressing that dumb comment because what kind of person he was or is now is of irrelevance to me. How I am treated is relevant.

Soooo I say. I do not know what the problem is. I bought what I said I was going to buy, I got a few extra things, and we are on schedule. If there is a problem go ahead and tell me, because to me this isn’t something to be stressed about 

And you know what he said?

I don’t know what he problem is, I’m just being crazy. 

I affirmed his emotional status we laughed and moved on 

I can’t remember is he apologized or not 

But I do remember how I felt and I was not apologizing or explaining myself 

And I was not going to be cornered just because he felt I should do things his way or the way he believes I should go about my life 

So maybe be do talk about the affair just in different angles 

Because he never would have admitted he was being crazy prior to being a married slut 

And I would have never stood up for myself like that without losing my shit or apologizing for the way I am then feeling guilty.

All things after affair created.. 

Valuing myself..

Something I didn’t do when I was 20.

I worked hard it’s what I knew

I was smart, and bull-headed.. many men were intimidated, bewildered, and thought they could belittle me they were wrong..

But I only knew how to fight with my wit, and work hard for what I wanted.

I didn’t like much about myself. I needed others validation.. so I worked hard for it and got it.

I didn’t realize that until later on in life especially now.

Now that I’m learning to love and take care of myself??

Well.. it’s hard for Charles.. because lately I don’t want to sleep with him.. not because I’m not horny.. or don’t want to have sex..

It’s more like should I be having sex or giving someone by body if I don’t value them as a person.

What about Charles character turns me on? What do I value in him? What brings me to love him?

Because the poor guy has changed his hair, his looks so much for me, he cleaned a toilet and I saw him do it.. I think he was going to say something about the toilet.. I really meant to get to it.. and he cleaned it.. no bitching or a complaint.. it was awesome

And when I was leaving to an appointment he put gas in my car..

Awesome.. seriously.. I’m being treated the way I should have been all along.. but I thought girls who received this kind of treatment were lame.. I can do all of these things myself..

But then it turned into I was doing so much and he does so little..

I put up with too much shit from his ass back then.. but in reality is it safe to say it was my own dam fault?

I’m telling y’all right now if my children brought home anyone that was like their father I would send them on their way..

Because why.. my standards were so low….

He was so hot and that was it.

I lusted after his body and his looks, and the sex..

Nothing about his character was dreamy, or remotely anything of his character would be worthy of a young girl who had a fabulous career, who was smart, and so broken..

And now so much has changed about him..

Not sure about us..

And I have changed for sure..

So I have watched and I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, but I’m sure something will happen to where my questions will be answered in regards to Charles as my husband.

He’s still hot, but it’s not as appealing as that once was..

What is appealing is his acts of service to me and his fatherly skills to the kiddos.

And I smile because I’m valuing myself enough to put wisdom into this relationship and evaluate things from a standpoint of a woman with 4 children. A woman who is smart, bright, and loves Jesus, and people..

I’m not perfect by any means but I will not stand for a relationship where I am treated less than, and realistically its because I treated myself less than and that in turn assisted me being in a relationship where I was treated less than.

I wonder if Charles will hold on and continue to treat me as someone special and worthy of waiting for.
How long will he wait? I have no idea.. which is the same answer to the question of when will the pain of a betrayal not hurt to where I have to catch my breath at times..

Lately I’ve felt as if God telling me to be brave and walk with Him as long as I’m with Him all will be well. And I can see how some would see it as God didn’t protect me from Charles and Kendra.. God did not see me through.. but He did.. and if you want to debate that or ask me questions about how or what God did.. email me..

But He did.. and God has been faithful.. even when my husband was not and never will be.. I’ll always be married to a man who cheated… until I am not, or he dies.. whichever comes first.

 

Pissed and then Not pissed

Terrible day With the kiddos 

And I’m already feeling like I’m failing school and it hasn’t even started 

Went to Bible study and felt rejuvenated 

Then I got a call to pick up crab from one of my favorite people on this island 

I wanted to tell Charles about it but I left the house so angry. Kids since starting school have been so needy and whiny 

Anyways wanted to tell him my crappy day turned so much better and I look forward to apologizing to the kids and starting a new fresh day 

But did that happen nope

We ended up arguing 

Doesn’t matter my relationship with him can’t bring me down

He doesn’t get me and I don’t get him

Ugh…  This marriage can be such a dam drag

To my ex-cheating husband I’m not interested in talking dirty with you in text or even insinuating it

It’s gross!!! I mean if he did that with me before he had an affair I might be into it

But now it’s just creepy 

Sometimes I’m aroused and I’ll text something about what I want to do with him.. Maybe that’s growth maybe that’s me just being a perv

I don’t know but him going there even when we are joking its SOooooo creepy guys 

And I feel bad for him I do 

But I don’t want to send pics of me naked with or without face shots 

I think it would be fun to do with a man I truly loved but not him 

Or maybe I do love him and just don’t have the desire because it’s gross 

Why? I don’t know because he wAs willing to do that with anyone I suppose 

He was willing to slut his body around and it seems gross to want to do with me 

Save that for your slut mentality and all the other slutty spouses but I am not in that club

I don’t feel special 

Suppose It’s like an 80/20 rule 

Or 90/10

He never paid for her like he does me, but that holds little value for me 

He protected her and himself, but not me 

And many would argue that I shouldn’t punish him for his past mistakes 

That freely having sexual texts with your spouse is okay 

Just when it’s to someone outside the marriage it is not 

But not me it doesn’t feel right and yea sometimes I do it to him so he isn’t sure of the boundaries 

And I think that is one of the many difficulties of staying with an adulterer 

Having to figure out boundaries that just come with the territory 

Like you shouldn’t be fucking around period, oh but you did

So now j have to reaffirm every fucking boundary it seems 

To make it clear 

Like I don’t want you sexual texting me it’s creepy 

And I don’t have to give him reasons why we already know 

Which is frustrating and makes me want to run

I can see why so many say clean slate because doing it this way is exhausting..

Off with the schedules!!

I’m better but tired.

Schedules.. more and more of them 14 credits down crap just reminded myself to complete a scholarship application

Yeah going to school.. He is taking Spanish with me.

I know 120 creds in and I don’t have all my Gen Eds.. LOL!!

Hopefully this Fall and next Spring I will be done with Gen Eds FOREVER!!

Anyways..

We’re going to college

Girls are off to school.. BAH!! really?? Why don’t they want to homeschool?? I’m going to miss them SOOOO much

And Squish might be off to Preschool

And boy? Well he’s 1/2 timing homeschool and middle school..

SOOOO.. the life is going to start pretty abruptly as our summer ends first day of school is Wed.

I also have yet to solicit my magnet wares to a store yet.. Why?

I’m not sure.. I suppose I don’t like money.. or I don’t think my wares are good enough anymore.. or I just ran out of steam on that project.. I’m not sure why..

But I want to finish this business at least get into 1 store before the season is over and tourist season is still going.. so let’s see if I can get in there before it’s over..

I remember going to school when my husband was in his affair..

I hate remembering that..

I hope to finish this Bachelor’s and not really ever have to look back at those transcripts or order them again anyway..

Sometimes it’s one of the hardest things for me to do is just press on.. I for some reason still miss what I used to have even if it was crappy..

And I have to move on and press hard into truth and reality..

I recently read somewhere the truth will come out eventually about someone’s character and who they are..

I fell for a complete asshole..

He’s not one I suppose now.. suppose only time will tell for that anyway..

Glad I’m feeling better.. not fully recovered but better❤

 

 

Recovering 

Strange interrupting sleep 

Sickness has not done me well and I am recovering okay

Charles has taken care of me, done dishes, put the girls to bed every night for like a week

He has been truly amazing 

And yet I don’t feel crazy bananas for him and I wonder why?

Lack of food perhAps?

Lack of caring for a spouse?

Somethings I’ve been thinking 

NH 

I’m sick 

Like want to chop off my head because it hurts so bad sick 

Like ibuprofen doesn’t even help sick 

Ughhhh

Charles is so on top of things 

Taking care of kids and making sure I have all that I need 

He felt so good to lay on 

his ribbones pressing into my head anything pressed against my head feels good

Sometimes things feel so strangely the same 

And I worry I’m falling for someone who should not be fallen for 

I worry I’m falling for an asshat that I don’t know is an asshat because I think they are pretty cool

Lately I’ve been thinking about counseling again 

To get a grip on any crazy feeling that I should let go of 

Alright off to try and get dressed for the day and make a doctors appt

Ugghhhh

So to finish the story and over analyzing

So he never mentioned if I flushed or not 

I didn’t want to ask?

Why?

I felt embarrassed 

But why?

It was all very odd

Like I said probably over analyzing 

But the thoughts did haunt me 

I wondered why was I embarrassed?

I shouldn’t be and it was like a girlfriend embarrasses why should I be embarrassed about anything with him??!!

If it was a friend I would have called my crazy out 

But I felt odd 

Suppose it doesn’t matter 

But I found the thoughts odd

We have decided we are going to go back to school 

I think I am going to go and finish my Bachelors and then head towards my masters in social work

We shall see still need to get lame gen eds out of the way every college seems to need something else 

Anyways things are well

Kids are happy and Bel’s party is coming up 

Good things are coming for me

I feel it 😊

I didn’t flush..don’t be too grossed out

I didn’t

Went number 2 and didn’t flush.. I was listing in my head (excuses I know but I was thinking about what to do for the rest of evening, we have an extra kid, budget, make the bed I woke up early for a school fundraiser).. Charles put Squish to bed and was sleeping

So I used our bathroom and didn’t flush washed my hands

Made our bed and started to watch Million Dollar Matchmaker

Charles wakes up..

Walks in

He uses the restroom..

And I hear a flush.. and I’m like did I not flush??

More thoughts on this later..

But I’m embarrassed.. not like hygiene social norm embarrassed..

more like a girlfriend embarrassed

which is weird..

More on this later..

 

 

Don’t put friends or friend’s kids in printed photo albums

like Shutterfly printed albums..

Keep that strictly family..

Because making new shutterfly books where your kids don’t have to see Kendra or her kids.. and stealing your family’s other ones to replace them is expensive but worth it to not have slut bag or those precious kiddos in our photos.

I thought Bob might want the photos of his kids when they were small.. some had our kids in them, some didn’t..

But I just deleted them.. I didn’t need them hanging around.. and besides.. I still have more to go through..

I just didn’t think contacting Bob was a good idea by email or anything.. might seem strange

Because what could it hurt he has his kids photos.. but I have no idea what stage he’s in or what his life is like now.. What if me sending an email puts him in a betrayed fit.. I’d hate to have his healing deterred because I was trying to be nice..

Suppose the nice thing is to move on.. delete the pictures and have my brother photoshop the ones I want to keep.

Slowly but surely the memories of that family in our lives is slowly forgotten.

I doubt the boy will ever forget. Hopefully he will. I know I have a hard time forgetting Kendra and that friendship.

The girls don’t even know who I’m talking about anymore.

And the best part is in the last VBS where the girls have a picture with Jessie.. Jessie is turning her back to the camera..

The girls were asking me who that was that they remember her and I lied to them and said I don’t remember and they just moved on..

I hope I can do that someday and I feel like I am just living life. If I remember a moment with her I am quick to not dismiss it, but turn history around. She was no friend of mine.

She is nothing to me.

I wish my heart didn’t sink into my chest, but it does just writing that.

One day I hope it won’t..

Someday..