This little light of mine

While driving in alongside the Channel the beauty was mesmerizing. I thought I took pictures but I didn’t.

Anyways while coming home from the car repair shop I was thinking how much I have changed.

The revenge I sought for Charles hurting me. The want for him to hurt too.

What a crazy vicious cycle.

Anyways I thought as I got to have no choice in having an adulterer for a husband. Charles has no choice to the person I have become. He has no choice in the wife he will get ever anymore. Just like he broke his covenant with me, the collateral damage of the affair (too many to name) I have moved on from him.

Yes I’m still married to him

But he doesn’t have a hold on me like he used to. He isn’t that big of a deal anymore. I used to be all google eyed and starry thinking about him. I rarely think about him.

I do pray for him and want good things for him but he isn’t the big act he once was.

I doubt he will ever be.

Anyways just me rambling on time to get some shut eye

Until next time

NH

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Hey Jealousy

Sometimes I beat you..

sometimes you don’t get to me at all

this unromantic life, this lackluster marriage

I don’t think of you at all.::

I’m busy.. dress shop, magnets, cooking utensils, kids

But sometimes I catch a glimpse, a glimpse of the romance in other couples lives and I want that

I want to be madly in love again but maybe that was the problem I shouldn’t be madly in love with anyone unless it’s myself

Or God…

I miss having a partner

I think sometimes I miss being one

Jealousy you got the best of me tonight

Here’s to tomorrow

May I close my eyes and start the new day

The things we do..

We started a small group for church and all had a blast.

I made sooo much food.

I hope it was good my taste buds are changing and I don’t seem to enjoy the same things I used to before.

Charles and I cleaned the whole house top to bottom.

The house looks so nice!

We did a great job. I even burnt my thumb pretty bad and Charles cleaned the kitchen so nicely..

Anyways today was a good day.

While putting Charles’s laundry away I caught one of his top drawers open and saw my hand writing. He had stashed away my postcards I wrote to him in Iraq. He also hid all my letters as well. I wrote to him almost everyday.

I remember burning cards in my lovely BBQ, I remember ripping up our wedding cards and then feeling regret not too long ago that I threw them away. Rizzo said for me to tape them up and keep them. I had them in a trash bag at my old house in KS and was like not taping these up. I threw them in the trash.

So Charles hides those things because he knows I will burn them. Ashes to ashes. Fuck him and our history.

I would burn it all but he hid those memories for some reason they are special to him.

I’m sure all of you know this by now but I get so angry with the mentality of this former cheater I am married to.

Why are all of a sudden or even back then special things about me, us, our history special to him? It’s so boggles my loyal brain and makes me rage just trying to understand the stupidity of that all.

Anyways so I look at those cards, read the words, put them back in the drawer and politely say fuck you Charles and move on about my day.

That man I wrote to was a douche and this guy I’m with now.. he’s pretty cool I guess. Besides being a former slut.

Today as we were working my mind wandered and he did something and I wanted to say something hurtful to him, to remind him of his bad decisions.

But I didn’t and thought why am I being an asshat? I do not need to bring up  his previous sins.. focus on the now and don’t be mean NH.

Charles has been unbelievably nice, kind, and a good provider.

He even built this humidity sensor for our roof and has it connected to his phone. Seriously the tech-girl inside of me was like that is SOOO COOOL!

Anyways today was a good day.. the reminders become less and less about my loss.. the grief comes in waves always. I wonder if that is apart of acceptance learning that I will always grieve what happened. I accept I will always grieve losing my husband, the man I believed in, and thinking I had a partner who was honest and would be honest with me.

That is a harsh reality a nice reality is how my thoughts and reminders of Kendra are so far removed. I don’t think about her for sales, for recipes, or even remembering motherhood with her anymore which is nice.

Alright time to get to bed..

Love you all

NH

Christmas

I used to pine over gifts for him.

I did not do that this year and feel no guilt in what I gave him.

I thought it was cool.

It was a magnetic flashlight with a hook

I got a diamond bracelet and lip sense! I love me some lip sense nowadays!

Christmas felt so weird

So fast

And yet it’s the same

Charles and I argued over gift giving for the kids

We made it work

We bought presents for a family who is having a hard time but I feel like we will do things different next year

My Dad made steak it was delicious

I wonder if its the note I found behind my kids picture that was the last bit of memory left of what my marriage was

It was going to visit Kendra for Jessie’s Birthday with my kids but feeling bad for leaving husband I made him a scavenger hunt

That was my warped reality but it really was me visiting his mistress’s house and his mistress being such a sucky hostess to me.

So the note behind the picture just put me for a spin

I found it because the picture of our adorable middles who were 2 and under 1 at the time the frame had dropped on the floor.

And putting the frame together revealed the note

Ahh I was pretty upset

Why because fuck him! I still get pretty pissed at the both of us

I hate remembering how I loved him and how he meant the world to me.

I hate remembering how hard I worked to look inside our marriage while he did not care what I did with his mistress. But oh he sure played the part of victim husband!

Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit

Anyways he’s on this Keto diet and he’s cooking so that is GREAT

Seriously I love it.

T you asked me about focusing on what me and Charles have now.

To focus on that.. it’s been interesting reading your take on matters and mine😊 So Happy for you and baby❤️❤️❤️ and your relationship with the hubs

Mine is still so conditional but on my terms

Charles is handsome, kind, a good Dad but doesn’t make my heart skip a beat he’s just a male

I enjoy his companionship in areas of our kids, our church

But I’m not in love with him right now at least and I know that fluctuates with me.

Which means the love I have for him is conditional. Not real lasting love

There are no better offers on the table😂😂😂

So I choose to stay

I’m thankful for my family

For a husband who claims he isn’t a coward anymore and no longer will put our family in jeopardy for his selfish needs.

For his involvement with the kids.

For my love for my Savior Jesus Christ

For learning about myself and finding me…

Merry Christmas everyone and here’s to 2018

History still hurts

Charles is moving up in his career always learning and growing and I am happy

No not just because it’s a possibility for us to get more money😂😂😂

I wanted to text him you’ve always been a good leader and how I admired him for that.

He used to be a leader in the military until he got out.

And I didn’t text him because he was always humble when dealing with soldiers or leadership..

Never with me and the truth of that still stings. Probably will for awhile.

Not just the fact I married a backstabbing two faced jerk! But I also tolerated shitty behavior as if that is love or someone who cares for me. I married a man who didn’t care I carried our children, homeschooled, advocated, budgeted, meal planned for our family. Didn’t give me the decency of being respected and honored.

Ugh all the swear words want to make their presence.

But also I didn’t treat myself highly. So why should he? Well if he was a Man and not a foolish little boy he would have. But I was a foolish little girl. I didn’t value myself and the things I did or tried to do. For heavens sake I had no clue how to make myself happy or know the things I loved to do to just relax! After all this trauma occurred

Now I do well most of the time. Yet the history of all of that still stings

Not just Charles’s failing but mine as well..

It’s been awhile

Let’s start with the quick deets

Charles and I are still together

So busy with side hustles Pampered Chef and I decided to get into selling little girls dresses

So entrprenuershipping on I know that isn’t a word

A blogger named E commented on my post from 2 years ago and I could read it all the way through without feeling like I want to die or wanted Charles to die or hoped Kendra would fall off a cliff or something

I read it all and agreed with every word

I wish I could go back and do all the things many lovely betrayed told me then. Be kind to myself. Take it easy Being the person I was and given the sucky husband I had I didn’t know how.

Sometimes I wonder with the way I grew up that I needed to find a destructive man who will hold me back the controlling, sad comments, lackluster of adoration to me that felt comfortable

But anyways finding out how the milk spilt is just a partial solution.

I know how to be kind to myself now and working on that.

Doing things I enjoy and finding things I enjoy

Building my faith

Loving my family

The affair will always come up

At odd times, at picked times as well

I still think of Kendra not on purpose but when my mind plays tricks on me and remembers her on the oddest of things.

I’m still sad she is even a memory I wish I could forget she ever existed. Memories of her serve me no purpose

Charles and I laugh together he tells me he loves me and sometimes I say it back sometimes I don’t

Lately I’ve been thinking about the naivety of how I wish I saw him and how it won’t ever be.

Charles is not a man I would trust with my heart all of me ever again.

He’s such an outer fixture, temporary

When I married him how I loved that boy and how I love him now is so different.

Well just checking in

Still here

Not hanging on but living and enjoying life not because I’m with Charles but because I’m loving God and thankful for my life and my family

Till next time

❤️NH

Sad

The masking of anger you’d think I would be great at emotions by now.

I’m sad to lose my uncle. 

I think more sad than I have let on 

Or wanted to believe

Losing him means so much loss for our family 

The hierarchy of our family line in Samoa 

He has the softest skin I was sure I would see him more. 

Makes me feel so less than and I’m not sure why

Probably emotions out of control I don’t do sad well 

Somehow I wish I did. 

I’m feeling like a failure at so much right now 

Angry

Sometimes I can’t seem to differentiate between if he’s trying to control me or if I’m allowing myself to be controlled.

This makes me angry 

I also feel very alone lately 

That makes me angry and sad. 

Thanking him… 

Some days I don’t completely hate him and dare I say it hate him at all. 

Not because it was ok to cheat or backstab me but I just don’t think about it. 

I get caught up in fall flowers, My son’s obnoxious teenage attitude and how much I still love him, and my girls oh how I love them. 

More times than not Charles makes me smile and not gee I love my husband smile but that is funny thanks for the laugh! 

He compliments me more 

He makes breakfast 

Doesn’t complain when I’m late 

Or he has to get all the kids up on his own like everyday because I would rather sleep. 

I thank him for that for making an extra effort knowing how I feel about him.

He says sometimes it isn’t easy but worth it. 

I don’t understand what he means by that 

But it reads nice