History still hurts

Charles is moving up in his career always learning and growing and I am happy

No not just because it’s a possibility for us to get more money๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I wanted to text him you’ve always been a good leader and how I admired him for that.

He used to be a leader in the military until he got out.

And I didn’t text him because he was always humble when dealing with soldiers or leadership..

Never with me and the truth of that still stings. Probably will for awhile.

Not just the fact I married a backstabbing two faced jerk! But I also tolerated shitty behavior as if that is love or someone who cares for me. I married a man who didn’t care I carried our children, homeschooled, advocated, budgeted, meal planned for our family. Didn’t give me the decency of being respected and honored.

Ugh all the swear words want to make their presence.

But also I didn’t treat myself highly. So why should he? Well if he was a Man and not a foolish little boy he would have. But I was a foolish little girl. I didn’t value myself and the things I did or tried to do. For heavens sake I had no clue how to make myself happy or know the things I loved to do to just relax! After all this trauma occurred

Now I do well most of the time. Yet the history of all of that still stings

Not just Charles’s failing but mine as well..

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Itโ€™s been awhile

Let’s start with the quick deets

Charles and I are still together

So busy with side hustles Pampered Chef and I decided to get into selling little girls dresses

So entrprenuershipping on I know that isn’t a word

A blogger named E commented on my post from 2 years ago and I could read it all the way through without feeling like I want to die or wanted Charles to die or hoped Kendra would fall off a cliff or something

I read it all and agreed with every word

I wish I could go back and do all the things many lovely betrayed told me then. Be kind to myself. Take it easy Being the person I was and given the sucky husband I had I didn’t know how.

Sometimes I wonder with the way I grew up that I needed to find a destructive man who will hold me back the controlling, sad comments, lackluster of adoration to me that felt comfortable

But anyways finding out how the milk spilt is just a partial solution.

I know how to be kind to myself now and working on that.

Doing things I enjoy and finding things I enjoy

Building my faith

Loving my family

The affair will always come up

At odd times, at picked times as well

I still think of Kendra not on purpose but when my mind plays tricks on me and remembers her on the oddest of things.

I’m still sad she is even a memory I wish I could forget she ever existed. Memories of her serve me no purpose

Charles and I laugh together he tells me he loves me and sometimes I say it back sometimes I don’t

Lately I’ve been thinking about the naivety of how I wish I saw him and how it won’t ever be.

Charles is not a man I would trust with my heart all of me ever again.

He’s such an outer fixture, temporary

When I married him how I loved that boy and how I love him now is so different.

Well just checking in

Still here

Not hanging on but living and enjoying life not because I’m with Charles but because I’m loving God and thankful for my life and my family

Till next time

โค๏ธNH

Sad

The masking of anger you’d think I would be great at emotions by now.

I’m sad to lose my uncle. 

I think more sad than I have let on 

Or wanted to believe

Losing him means so much loss for our family 

The hierarchy of our family line in Samoa 

He has the softest skin I was sure I would see him more. 

Makes me feel so less than and I’m not sure why

Probably emotions out of control I don’t do sad well 

Somehow I wish I did. 

I’m feeling like a failure at so much right now 

Angry

Sometimes I can’t seem to differentiate between if he’s trying to control me or if I’m allowing myself to be controlled.

This makes me angry 

I also feel very alone lately 

That makes me angry and sad. 

Thanking him…ย 

Some days I don’t completely hate him and dare I say it hate him at all. 

Not because it was ok to cheat or backstab me but I just don’t think about it. 

I get caught up in fall flowers, My son’s obnoxious teenage attitude and how much I still love him, and my girls oh how I love them. 

More times than not Charles makes me smile and not gee I love my husband smile but that is funny thanks for the laugh! 

He compliments me more 

He makes breakfast 

Doesn’t complain when I’m late 

Or he has to get all the kids up on his own like everyday because I would rather sleep. 

I thank him for that for making an extra effort knowing how I feel about him.

He says sometimes it isn’t easy but worth it. 

I don’t understand what he means by that 

But it reads nice 

Someone to hold on to

Recently got into an arguement with a church sister and it’s over now and we are choosing to remain okay with each other is the best way to describe it. 

She mentioned she doesn’t trust me.

I didn’t really care. 

I don’t even trust my husband so trusting others isn’t a big issue with me. 

However it did make me think about after a day in resolving conflict I just want someone who loves me and is on my side 

I suppose a kind of expectation on a spouse that well many people even people Married to faithfuls don’t have. 

I don’t have that and it makes me sad suppose it still makes me sad and I have to remind myself 

Just because this relationship is so broken it still can be beautiful 

Dam buzzfeed test and why I haven’t been writing lately..

The reason why I haven’t been writing is my darn WP app has been acting up and I rarely ever get time on my PC anymore. 

So I finally deleted app then, downloaded again, then went through all my passwords I couldn’t remember what is was.. soo now I’m back which brings me to the buzzfeed test 

The 3 words that describe you test 

I got generous, nurturing, and hopeless 

Hopeless is how I see my future..

Now I know it’s just a test and well it doesn’t have a whole lot of weight but it made me cry. 

Charles and I are busy with kids and  as for us? We are making it. 

He’s still not the love of my life and today told the boy when explaining that he has no friends and even he’s lived with me for so long and we are not friends. 

Ugh why!!?? 

Why does Charles do that?? 

Ugh… 

anyways so that’s us right now maintaining I guess whatever it is that we are doing

He’s homeย 

The last couple of days I missed him.

I truly did. 

As a person to just cut someone out of their lives this has been such a growing experience for me. 

Because I one did get to cut someone out of my life Kendra 

And I didn’t and won’t ever even if I leave Charles he’s never cut out completely 

The children are so happy to have him home 

I am more relaxed hugging him felt nice. 

I’m sure he will say something stupid again. Like the whole responsibility thing or because he’s still growing into a loving man least that is what he’s showing me he’s trying to do. 

I’m enjoying time with him and enjoying time with myself. While he was gone the kids and I had a fabulous time. 

I’m feeling definitely more positive about life when he and I are talking. Not talking to him is more work, so is the anger. 

And yes there are plenty of things to   be angry about. And yes I still do hate him if we strip all the layers of what I’m trying to build here

My family and a partnership because we are looking to visit Kansas next year.  

I am changing and Charles is changing.

I did talk with him about the responsibility thing. At least I think I did. 

I will again. 

Times like these I wouldn’t ever think being single and sharing out kids is ever an option 

One of these days I’m sure I’ll get it together.. even if that day is on my deathbed ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Why

Why does his face excite me sometimes 

Or when he tells me I’m beautiful I smile 

Why does the pain of infidelity feel so distant sometimes and then others feel as if it just happened 

Why do I so badly want to have sex with him?