He’s home

The last couple of days I missed him.

I truly did. 

As a person to just cut someone out of their lives this has been such a growing experience for me. 

Because I one did get to cut someone out of my life Kendra 

And I didn’t and won’t ever even if I leave Charles he’s never cut out completely 

The children are so happy to have him home 

I am more relaxed hugging him felt nice. 

I’m sure he will say something stupid again. Like the whole responsibility thing or because he’s still growing into a loving man least that is what he’s showing me he’s trying to do. 

I’m enjoying time with him and enjoying time with myself. While he was gone the kids and I had a fabulous time. 

I’m feeling definitely more positive about life when he and I are talking. Not talking to him is more work, so is the anger. 

And yes there are plenty of things to   be angry about. And yes I still do hate him if we strip all the layers of what I’m trying to build here

My family and a partnership because we are looking to visit Kansas next year.  

I am changing and Charles is changing.

I did talk with him about the responsibility thing. At least I think I did. 

I will again. 

Times like these I wouldn’t ever think being single and sharing out kids is ever an option 

One of these days I’m sure I’ll get it together.. even if that day is on my deathbed 😂😂😂😂

Why

Why does his face excite me sometimes 

Or when he tells me I’m beautiful I smile 

Why does the pain of infidelity feel so distant sometimes and then others feel as if it just happened 

Why do I so badly want to have sex with him?

To forgive once

It’s work emotional work heartbreaking work 

Someone once told me here it’s mud eating living with an adulterer 

It’s a lot of work to hate Charles and resent him 

It’s a lot of work to think I’m over this time period in my life and have it revisit me again in the weirdest of ways 

Ways I don’t even bring on 

I want so badly to be free of it and it meaning My beloved husband and beloved best friend never were sleeping in my bed together and were honest human beings 

Just to be free of ever thinking about it. From ever remembering it 

Charles recently said something that upset me 

He said “When do you get to take reaponsiblity for what’s happening in our marriage for our relationship?”

And my first reaction is to curse 

My second reaction was I will not take responsibility for this marriage ending. I will initiate the divorce and will move on with my life without having a ownership of this marriage. This marriage is awkward and is nothing what I ever wanted a marriage to be. 

Charles derailed my plans of what I had for us. 

And I could not believe he was Saying that and he was being really slow to explain the words coming out of his mouth 

I am not a fan of a liar reformed slut giving me suggestions about responsibility 

I wonder if I ever will be 

The heartache he caused me will last forever 

Kendra will always be apart of my story which is sad because I don’t want her to be. But she is.. 

im sleepy time for a nap

Confused

Lately I’ve been reading my posts over and I suppose I am confused. 

I mean hasn’t there always been 2 options stay or go 

But being here in this world seems like I have more 

I could stay and more than likely have a mediocre romance with a man who I don’t particularly care for and am not in love with But family stays together 

I could stay and I could fall in love with Charles again who knows years, decades, or just stay together until one of us dies plus side I kept my family together 

I could leave and my life turns out pretty awesome it will be hard but to have my freedom away from Charles to not have to work on this relationship or care about being married. To not have to wonder am I living a lie again. I created a false world with Charles and I don’t want to find myself in that position again. But the family unit is no longer an option. I will be sharing my children  with someone who is at my beckon call now, but won’t be if I divorce him. My children will hate life for awhile or forever. 

I could leave and I could not find a sustainable job and be miserable poor without health insurance. Because the market for stay at home Moms is not so awesome. My children would live in another lifestyle and not be happy and their family is uprooted 

Rizzo once pointed out to me you can trade your one bag of misery for 4 meaning my kids. 

There is some truth there 

Also truth is how much I am loving Charles being gone

Glad I’m weighing options 

Helps me be not so confused 

For the love of children

Did I marry the wrong guy? 

I believe so

Does it matter if I leave Charles would I be any better off? 

Financially my gut says no but my mind is like we can work this out I will be fine 

Statistically it’s a resounding no I will not be able to bounce back and a single mother with 4 kids affording the lifestyle I lead now seems impossible but it can be done I just wouldn’t be around my kids as much

Will my kiddos be completely devastated?? 

In all areas yes 

Alright well off to the beach I go with the kiddos 

Talked to Charles last night

About all of this 

the letters I am drafting 

How I just do not care about what he’s doing 

He seemed to need to know what brought this on? What caused this Train of thought 

Kind of surprising how former adulterers act like betrayed as if I know what makes me care less about him, what memories trigger me 

As if I could pinpoint the exact thought or moment that truly makes me say I’m so over you Charles..

Just as he can never truly pinpoint what made him turn into such a cheating lying slut 

So many thoughts, emotions, events

I doubt I could ever point out what makes me not want to be with him because there is SO much LOL for real so much…

Anyways he gets all riled up and wants like a so where are we now? And are you leaving me? 

he acts as if I’m going to give him some sort of 2 weeks notice divorce kind of situation

And a little disappointed he wouldn’t get that from me

I was shocked that someone from his standpoint would even think that’s an option

As if I can’t just wake up tomorrow and say please don’t come home and I’m going to need the keys 

Because he needs notice he would appreciate notice 

And I wonder what kind of person I have turned into to really want to say screw you!! You don’t get notice did I get a fucking notice??!

That’s right I didn’t so 🖕🖕🖕🖕

But looking at the situation rationally do I want to be like him? 

Because my first gut emotions sure are to be..but when I think about it he’ll no I don’t want to be him 

And I want to be able to give him respect and be above the type of spouse he was to me.

And not in a superiority way but  in a I do not want to sway who I am. I would be if I did him dirty on purpose, for revenge. 

I don’t want to be that person 

Yet I gravitate towards that person. 

Instinctually 

It is disappointing and helping me grow all at the same time 

The start of the letters..Charles needs to know

Dear Charles,

The book I’m recently reading told me to tell you how your affair has and is affecting me now through a letter. I want to treat you like a human instead of someone who has hurt me and stabbed me in the back. Finding that balance to see you has a sinful human than the backstabber is difficult for me. Sometimes I take pleasure in asking you to count your losses in our relationship. I enjoy seeing you sad because of your foolish choices. I enjoy seeing your loss in what you miss about us. I wish I didn’t have to think about how evil I have let myself venture to because of this nonsense fully welcomed into my own bed, marriage, and life.

I am thankful you are dense enough to have an affair in such a grotesque way but that denseness did not follow you into such a false reality of you knowing that I still do very much hate you.

Would you believe me if I told you that I wish I didn’t? As you remember our losses I remember them too, but of course yours and mine are different.

I miss looking at you and just being so happy you are in my presence instead of someone I tolerate. I miss not even being aware of the presence of affairs within marriages. Now I know how prevalent they are good grief had I knew all of this I would have not been surprised you are the affair type. Cowardice was something you were drawn too and apparently something I was attracted too.

The words that Kendra was never worth it are music to my ears. However the words in my head that you are not worth the pain, the tears, or my time is something I battle now.

Our relationship was never that great and I fought for crumbs in our marriage. I cannot believe how sad I was to fight for your attention with bible studies, couples studies, date nights.. Why did I allow myself to sink so low? How did I allow myself to become such a nobody for love for this marriage?

Now I’m being posed with the idea of my hardened heart against you? Do I have a hardened heart against you? You bet I do. However is it necessary that this marriage be the softener? Are you in my life because God wants you there or am I creating another imaginary space for myself. Yes, I imagined me being married to a man of integrity. A faithful husband and father.

Dreams smashed, yet I can still call the broken beautiful right? Isn’t that what Hobby Lobby and many China imports tell me. Life is not perfect but still can be wonderful. This is our Story.

I do love you, but I hate you too.

You are the worst man I have ever loved and now with four children I am tied to you for life.

I wish I never was your wife, and I also wish that thought never crossed my mind.

I used to be proud I was your wife, I am no longer. Being with you causes me to wonder if I’m even proud of myself, can I even stomach myself.

What kind of woman have I become?

Ugh you guys see why I need to practice this letter writing? I’m all over the place.. more to come

 

Grasping at straws anyone try Affair Recovery EMS online training?

https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online
Why? NH you ask? 

I don’t know because we are like roomies 

Counseling every week became dull.

I look at him and just see a good looking guy 

Who I am still physically attracted to.

Charles is still super hot to me.

But that’s it 

And I really want to make sure I’m healing well because if or when I do leave him I don’t want to repeat my stupidness in finding someone like Charles or Kendra. No not calling our kind stupid I’m saying I was. I put up with a crappy relationship for too long with Charles and with Kendra I longed for a replacement girlfriend spouse.. she fit the bill however solely being involved with a Mom like Kendra is bad news and woman for that matter. Red flags were there I made excuses for them.

Them both 

I would prefer to learn from my mistakes 

And yes I still view marrying Charles a mistake

This online course is $700 

Why does that feel like I’m being robbed? 

Would you pay that much? I suppose I already have in counseling.

Honesty

 So we have a barista in our little town. And she is kind to us, anyways yesterday She confided that her husband/fiancé (I’m not entirely sure) is a cheater 

I went for a spin! My heart broke for her! 

And I talked with Charles in the car and basically called all cheaters scum and should be thrown in the cold Ocean to be food for whales (yes I know that isn’t a thing)

I apologized to Charles I also told him that I hate this world he took me too that I wanted no part in. 

I hate being angry at stupid Christian books that see marriage as a science and that you can protect your marriage from your spouse being a dishonest slut 

I hate that adults who commit to other adults are fucking cowards and cannot treat spouses with dignity and respect

I hate knowing that the last statement I just made is apparently too hard because it seems that affairs are the norm rather than the exception

I now want to be an exception however I find it will never be with him

I will start writing Charles letters about how I feel. 

Because full honesty is too much and sometimes I’m mean

My honesty maybe correct but the delivery doesn’t treat Charles as a human sometimes 

And he is 

I’m quite bored in this marriage we did have sex after I blogged about it but it’s manly to keep from master bating to porn. I enjoy sex with Charles I’m still not in love with Charles. 

I wonder going on year 4 if things will get better for us like statistics say 5 years it will get better 

I’m not holding my breathe. 

I’m over him so over him. 

Bringing him to Samoa was more of a coparenting thing more than I wanted him there. 

He was also a necessity he is so good at directions
something i praise him for

I praise him for a lot I’m just not in love with him and starting over with  him is not fun

The newness of starting over with an adulterer is just lackLuster 

I don’t want to go on dates with him 

I am starting to plan a trip on antiversary day. A day I celebrate myself because being married to a claimed reformed cheater is not easy 😂😂😂😂

Well here’s to the day I have 7 children under my roof today and am enjoying life while Charles is on away on business! ❤❤❤❤

American Samoa was beautiful my marriage not so much

The beauty of being around everyone who looks like family is amazing!! 

The children loved being there as well 

However things started to change towards the end of our trip 

I’m not sure what it was but Charles just started to become just a person, not a husband, friend or partner 

Some extra in a movie

Is all that I can say 

We have stopped having sex or touching each other.

It’s been about two weeks..

So we shall see what this all means 

I wonder when I hit these stages what this all means 

But I am tired 

As soon as we flew home my mother and stepfather came with 

Charles is a wonderful man who pays for all the things 

But I wonder how awesome my life would be without him 

Thoughts for today…