I waited for you..

Oh the FB memories

Anyways I’m sick and I’m sad

Well just getting over the sickness

Anyways memories popped up of me and the kids

The time I didn’t want to go with Charles out of town because I frankly did not like him or want him around

He was being such a dick and I was like I’m so happy your leaving

But he insisted we all go

So we went

And I spent a lot of time with our babies

Took them places even asked Kendra good spots to go but of course she was being an ass-hat too

But going to that place was fun. We all had a blast

I’m in a part of healing where not all my memories from his torrid affair ruin mine especially with the kids

I might have married such a fucked up human being and was friends with one but I am a damn flawed but loving Mom to my kids. And not that loving doting type but the hard worker he sacrificer the doer

I did with my kids all I could and tried and while I waited for my husband to come home from Iraq after deploying as our son was 4month old after waiting for his stupid ass to not be such a tool..

I’m sad I waited for him

I waited for him to come around time and time again until he just didn’t he died and never returned and I didn’t even get to say goodbye

Some would say he left willingly so he never died or the fantasy of an affair is so strong that he got lost

Well I’m here to say my sadness today stems from the I waited for him and he never gave a dam about that.

But alas now he says he’s the man for me and I’m his only one πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I shouldn’t laugh at his growth but it is comical to someone who always thought he was worth my time and honesty.

I’m glad he is kinder than what he used to be

Just sometimes I think he gives himself too much credit

Anyways today I did cry that I waited for him that grief comes in waves for me and I’m glad that I don’t ever make the decision to wait for him ever again.

Progress Chart

Charles disappointed me yesterday and I thought this really is it.

I am over this..

This is the moment that my therapist said would come.

And it wasn’t over something petty it was over him being rude and selfish concerning my 84 yr old father.

And I was done.:

However knowing a lot about myself I gave it time

I gave myself sometime to compose myself and talked to him

I have no idea what for it’s like talking to a wall. He asked me, my girls saw me crying today, and I told him all that was on my mind..

and you know what he said

Thanks for sharing

And that was it

Now I can’t be mad at the guy for not responding the way I want him to..

but what is the point? Why did I tell him anything? Why am I including him in my pain thinking the opposite will happen with him that we could talk it out perhaps I have no idea

Hello insanity table for 1

Oh you guys

I keep thinking I am responsible for my healing so what does my progress chart look like?

Still mourning

Bob said something to me in the very beginning of this about almost 5 years ago

He said he saw something that was relevant and said

You don’t get to punch me in the face and tell me when to stop bleeding

I Was catching up on my show of a million little things and oh the crying

If you haven’t seen the show it’s a tear jerker anyways on this past episode the friend looks at his best friends grave and says I never got to say goodbye so goodbye

And the show ends

But for me the thoughts are reeling..

Maybe thinking about my husbands death isn’t healthy I have no idea but to me you guys

The guy I loved?

The guy I couldn’t get enough of?

The guy who I thought was the most attractive guy in the world (yes there wasn’t another for me)?

He died the day he played footsie Dec 31, 2011

I didn’t know it and playing catch up even after 5 years still makes me sad. Saying goodbye to my husband the one I adored has been tough (yes even if I adored an asshole)

I also miss being pain free. Looking at him sometimes brings a pain still even 5 years later that I can’t always describe

This pain is ever evolving it would seem

Your blog comes to mind Krazykat of just be kind

Charles and Kendra never had to talk to me or be near me but they both chose to be

When the cards came crashing down Bob texted Charles to say stay the fuck away from his wife and day of reckoning was coming for me but did my coward husband do anything?

He just couldn’t be kind

But now oh you guys I’m married to the what would seem the kindest cheaterfucker ever

I want something it happens

It’s like I’m in American Beauty where the guy catches his wife cheating on him and he says you don’t ever get to tell me what to do again ever !!

You think that would appease the hurt, the heart but it doesn’t

πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“

The bra alternative Ruby Ribbon and looking at my cheater husband

After writing that title I wondered if cheater husband was a good description I mean he says he isn’t cheating now but geesh does it ever mean anything? Will it ever? I wonder

Anyways you guys I had never known about Ruby Ribbon but a math teacher invited me to a party and it’s like a tank top girdle. And they are pricey they call then cami’s but whatevs and well it holds the rack upright and does okay. I’m not itching to get the bra off so guess that’s a win. I bought 2 at the party and their nipple pads.

I’ve only been wearing them a week now but not too terrible. Beats an I’ll-fitting bra that’s for sure though

Alright now back to Charles

Lately I’ve been thinking if arranged marriages can work why can’t Charles and I?

I mean I don’t want to be married to him but we work well with the kids together, love Jesus, and well did I mention we work well togetherπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and my kiddos want their family and need it together and being with Charles isn’t miserable

But it sure isn’t the can’t wait to be in his arms doable, so attractive situation either.

I wonder if one day I can look at my husband -and not see one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

I truly wish he understood and maybe he does but it’s so terrible when something good comes from him because it’s an awful reminder of the past good and bad..

Alright falling asleep

Laundry situation is still 4-5 baskets of laundry chilling in my living room

And I recently talked about laundry and how it isn’t working out for me and my family and a woman said why not do your and husbands Together,the girls separately, and then the boy

Blew my mind…

Am going to try it

How do you do laundry?

Lots of love

Till next time

NH

Being employed

Love my job love who I work with ❀️❀️❀️

But I am getting tired of only two days off a week there’s so little time to do things

Like you guys my laundry seriously it’s bananas

And not in a good way but I get my first full paycheck this week.

Excited to pay off debt and get back on track with finances

My friend got me to try ruby ribbon which is a bra alternative have you heard about it?

It’s okay so far but I’m not sure how I feel about it the rack is up but just feels weird

As for Charles and I we are just getting cranky he’s finishing up a semester in school and is cranky which I don’t blame him school is soooo Uuuuuuggggghhhhhh

Our quality of life gets so murky when him or I or the both of us are going to school

I understand his sadness

Anyways here’s to another week of work

And to accomplishing goals

Also I really love my kids all 4 of them are changing so rapidly but they are all my babies and I’m so happy to be their Mom

I’m glad I stayed alive and didn’t harm anyone or myself like I wanted to years ago

I try not to cringe when I think about what I would have done how much I wanted to stab Charles how much I wanted to die

I try to remember how hurt I was and how I dealt with the blow as a weak woman trying to find bearings where there weren’t any to be found. And smile that I lived through it that I had a support system of women and men and fellow bloggers that lifted me up when I was so down.::

I’m so grateful for everything and happy to be alive

Married to a cheater but whatevs things are pretty good for the most part

Till next time

❀️NH

Job is awesome and well so is a lot of other things

I really enjoy my job it’s super fun and engaging

I also am curious if we will move back to the lower 48 Alaska has been awesome but I’m okay leaving this place

I moved here pretty broken but now we’ll still broken but feeling strong

Anyways things are going well.. all the kids are enjoying school and life and so am I

As for me and Charles well always a work in process.:

Till next time

❀️NH

Who got offered the job β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ

And who is scared to take it?

I’m afraid my whole life will change.

Not in the best way but God is good I mean Charles is not getting paid so I need to bring in some funds ❀️❀️😊😊

So I will take the job pending I can have the days off I need

And I will be back in the job force 😊

Little scary but great timing ❀️

Had another talk about our relationship and Charles just looks worn out

He says he wants more for our relationship it’s just so messy..

I again do not want to sleep in the same bed as him.:

But I’m also old and do not want to sleep on the floor

Time to get a queen bed in the guest room

Anyways I love you all for keeping up with me forever almost 5 years in April time flies.

Thanks for all the encouragement and kindness

Seasons change and a job interview β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ

my relationship with Charles is always evolving before affair and after. I used to know what we were or how I felt about him…

Nowadays its up in the air and now after almost 5 years

I feel nothing for the man. Like literally I have no sexual interest or desire for him.

I told him too while we discussed our relationship.

I try not to text him because it feels so icky that was his and Kendra’s thing and I have no desire to be that or fulfill that need for him.

Usually telling or opening up to him made me feel closer to him but this last time it was just facts.

He still wants to make this marriage work.

I just plan on riding this marriage out until one of us dies πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Seriously like I’ve always said before there is so much more to life than being with your soulmate or being in an intimate relationship. It’s the conclusion that I came up with is that Charles and I are in a loving relationship but not an intimate one.

I don’t desire that from him because he hurt me and while he wants one with me I’m not sure that will ever happen

He told me this ball and chain isn’t going anywhere and I said good thing Jesus can break every chain πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ a little fun Christian humor

I don’t want to fight for our marriage but I will fight for our family.

I will also fight for myself

To honor the Daughter of the King I am and Charles never deserved me and I was such a foolish girl to believe I was lucky to be with such a guy.

Because I didn’t think Charles was lucky to have me. Not sure why I just always remember thinking I’m so fortunate to have him but he never felt the same or treated me like that. And I never treated myself like that either.

I applied for a job and I hope I get it. It’s working with homeschooling families schedule is flexible and it will be pretty exciting to join the workforce again 😊

And make my own money well earn my own money

I might plan on getting a separate bank account but definitely want to start saving and stashing away money in my name and on my own.

I will advise my children to have their own bank accounts aside from their spouses.

And will not take no for an answer

I doubt that would have stopped Charles from sleeping around but it would have given me a cushion to leave him for awhile.

Obviously he needed to figure out his life more at the few D-days that came to pass.

So anyways as for now I’m getting things ready in my house. I think I plan on getting back into aviation and doing work on helicopters. But that is a few years out. The boy will be graduating soon. And my girls need their Momma so we will see what the future holds I do know

I am happy to be alive. I really do have a nice life besides having a cheater for husband and yup he will always be that to me.

I mean Judas is forever known as the betrayer of a Jesus. He was sorry he did it and it’s been years since then but he already etched that on his legacy. And that is what is etched for mine with Charles.

One day he will be gone and I probably will miss him but for now it’s pretty much Charles got friend zoned and how long he will be there is probably up to him.

He offered a full body massage last night and I didn’t get one.

Ugh would it kill him to follow through or even mention it??

I would even take sorry hun you came downstairs too late and I’m tired but nope in good old Charles fashion he never mentioned it

#oldhabitsdiehard

Anyways there’s my take

I still cry

I still hurt

But it isn’t all the time anymore

For that I’m thankful

Till Next Time

Love

NH

Happy New Year and Reddit

To Glasses you were a friend and I appreciated you and your family

You’ve been on my mind a lot lately and I’m sorry

Sorry for being crazy and not as strong of a friend as you probably would have appreciated

Now to the new year

Well we are still together

Kids are happy well Squish is bananas crazy lately but I love her

And as for Reddit I’m glad I found this space instead of Reddit first

Here’s to the new year

I applied for a job and I hope I get it.

If not I’m cool about that too

Also plan on applying for college again and finishing the associates and bachelors in whatever I can finish first πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

With 144 credit hours it’s time to finish something love you all

NH