Before I get to the list here’s to 2blackcadillacs ugh I still don’t know how to tag well in our WordPress world but shout out to her for inspiring this list ❤️❤️
1. I learned it’s okay to be wrong. Mistakes were not learning experiences in my family and I truly thought I was building a family a life with someone worthy of trust. I was wrong I was wrong about Charles and Kendra. Being wrong was hard to take but something I needed to learn and not be so hard on myself. It’s okay to be wrong about the people you loved❤️
2. Not to be so hard on myself. Yes this goes hand in hand with one. I felt a lot of guilt being married to Charles. He also fostered that guilt. He was critical and mean. He didn’t love me. He wasn’t capable of loving himself or anyone else. I was too blind to see that. I never wanted to fix him I just thought eventually things would get better they did not. That guilt is not there anymore. If the dishes aren’t done, house is a mess, there isn’t any guilt. No one sighing around my house or being constantly disappointed. Now there is none of that and there never should have been
3. Letting go and no I don’t mean the affair I will always consider that a terrible part of my life but letting go of people. Especially Charles and Kendra. I had to let her go Charles too at least the man I thought I married. I created that version the one who I thought loved me. Nope had to move on and bury the both of them. Yes, she still pops up in my mind time to time and I get sad still but I have to remember she was no friend of mine. And the man I married he isn’t either.
4. Remembering my worth and that I am fierce. Somehow being married I played second fiddle. I compromised myself in the name of love which wasn’t love at all. I did not act on my intuition or my faith when I knew something was wrong. I allowed myself to be treated less than. I allowed myself to make excuses for the man I thought loved me.
5. Standing up for myself Charles isn’t the best thing since sliced bread and I will fight for my kids to show them how a wife and mother will stand her ground for herself and for her family. Disrespect, condemnation, guilt, critical remarks, double standards will not be tolerated at all, no excuses or there’s the door, seriously no one needs any of that
6. Being aware of my brokenness this one is a doozy but I was attracted to both Charles and Kendra. I kept and I fought for both of them in my life because you guys Kendra was acting all types of weird and not being a good friend at all. I made excuses for them both and always was checking in trying to call and hang with Kendra and be there for a friend and with Charles planning date nights trying to work on our relationship and work on me so I could be a better wife which Charles just loved little NH always has to improve but as for him nope he doesn’t need to work on anything because he’s perfect (HUGE eyeroll) Knowing my brokenness to what awful traits make me feel comfort from others because of my childhood trauma help me to grow and heal.
6. Growing and healing on my own is a wonderful thing. I don’t need to reconcile with Kendra or Charles ever. I don’t need to forgive them to heal or grow (I do want to though) I also don’t have to leave Charles to grow and heal too.
7. My marriage does not come first. I’m not sure it ever will. My list used to go God, marriage, family… now it goes God, NH, family..: definitely not perfect at this because usually I put family before myself but I want to get better.
8. Learning to Embracing the new. My néw way of thinking. Learning about myself and what I like. Learning about healing and growing all new. The new guy in my house who calls himself Charles (and so do I 🤣🤣) but he’s different I’m not sure for the right reasons but whatevs he’s new at a lot of things and continues to surprise me and not surprise me (old habits die hard right? And no I’m not talking about his slutty ways at least I hope he’s done with that). The newness of putting myself first and being me not Charles wife, not the harsh critic I used to be of myself. I’m not thinking about growing old with anyone. I’m just figuring out me which is new and scary and that’s okay❤️💯
9. Learning what love is and what it is not. Even how I love. I was abusive to myself and to Charles when everything unfolded. When my world became shattered I was left so empty.. however I was empty for years but just didn’t know it. Learning how I love and how I accept love is new because before DDay NH never thought this would be a thing she had so much figured out. I truly thought the crumbs Charles gave me was love it wasn’t.
10. That I am awesome and I don’t need to come out of being cheated on as stronger. This marriage doesn’t need to be stronger. That I am an amazing woman capable of so many amazing things. I am brilliant, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, kind, and so much more. If Charles never tells me he loves me or puts on date nights I do not need his attention or gifts. I am not hoping my husband sees me or notices me because I notice myself ❤️❤️💯💯 and God notices me too and of course my kids. I am worthy of love and I am good enough 💯💯❤️❤️