I wonder

I wonder if I will ever have a Happy Anniversary social post.. it’s such a double edged sword for me much more tears and sweat than happiness between us

One of my pals said do you think we are too much for Charles? I said no I mean if he does think that he is SO VERY welcome to find less at anytime.:

I wonder with all my trauma a lot of my walking the fence attitude is a lot of being attached in some ways and not in others to Charles and I feel safe that way in a way he could never make me feel again

And in being this way and accepting things for what they are and how I feel maybe that’s okay

Just outprocessing but I see couples post and I wonder if I will ever be so happy or even want to post anything about Me and Charles because I usually don’t and won’t

And then she says “I miss my husband”

So it was bound to happen right? I’m close to someone’s who’s life is ripped right out from under her and is being betrayed

Oh my heart…

She reached out she didn’t know my story she kind of does now… I mean I don’t want to blur her story she’s going through A LOT.: but I have made her laugh smile

Talking to her she said something that still breaks my heart to hear it, to even think about it

I miss my husband

I told her it was okay to. And there’s a lot of grief that comes with missing the man you thought you married and the man you believed in

And that she probably may still miss him for years to come. Even though my asshat husband of early years I still believed in him.. I still thought he would always want good for me..

And I miss him that man.. he’s gone and along went my marriage to that man as well..

So there’s that.:

Working with another betrayed in real life is crazy when I found out I thought I was going to vomit on the spot

I was disgusted, angry, I knew him too and my heart because I remember the numerous days I was brought to my knees by trickle truth and a gigantic dick of a husband..

I feel so much for my friend I should probably check in on her

Packing & Growth

What in the hell I swear we are consistently donating things left and right.. packing boxes and when I think I have a spot clear it’s like I don’t 🤣🤣🤣 Like why does it seem like I pack things and then BAM more stuff shows up 🤣🤣🤣

I promise I am not even buying anything. Even groceries F that I’m busy 🤣🤣🤣

Charles and I went to dinner last night and on our way home it’s just fascinating how him and I are so different and I don’t think he shall ever understand that cheating on me with her just added more trauma in my life.

I kind of feel like his stages have been

1. thinks his actions weren’t that bad in the moments during affair because he is so damn amazing.

2. Affair found out I’m rightfully pissed and he justifies who he is and that he’s a good Dad not that bad of a partner (you guys know I’m pretty relentless to be like no the f you are not amazing pretty much an asshole during affair and before too)

3. I think year 1-3 after affair their seemed to be a shift because there wasn’t a better us his results in his head of all his trying or the fact that he is faithful now or is a changed person did not affect how I viewed him and I could still see irritation at time like we are still talking about what happened?

4. Acceptance 4-7 he accepts I probably will not fall in love with him. He focuses on himself and his actions. I get presents (which I like) He doesn’t get irritated when I bring up her or my thoughts on marriage or the constant struggle I went through and continue to go through being married to him since day F*n 1.

So it’s always a journey. I respect him more in the ways where I am not calling him names or ignoring him. He can have his say but I am doing what I want anyway. Also if I’m wrong I will admit it and apologize. I think he wants to be loved and I’m just not into it. I mean we are working on ourselves and this partnership.

I told him today after dinner how we are just old people staying together for our families. My Dad, his Dad the kids. I mean seriously doing all of this separated would have been miserable. Charles and I work well together to take care of others. I think we are slowly learning to take care of ourselves despite our personal relationship with each other. I wonder what my life will look like without our parents, when our children have their own lives.

Not in a longing just curious like how I was curious what my military training would look like after I graduated Basic Training.

I do not regret staying. I do regret not being NC (no contact) with him and her after Dday. I could have used a few months and her never. I don’t regret being here moving to AK moving back to Kansas.

I also regret not being financially independent from my spouse. Which is something I hope to work towards more. All good goals. I would like to be stronger too.. moving all these boxes makes me feel so weak.. so yeah some weightlifting should be in my future 🤣🤣🤣 #goals

Also we watched Mitchell’s vs. the Machines and that is a great movie❤️💯 I truly love my family. I’m not in love with my husband and I just realized that I compartmentalize the two 🤣

We are going to take the ferry and then head on back to KS a different city this time. The one where he drove to meet her and they stayed a night in a hotel. I talked to him about that and he looks sad but also says but there will be new memories to be made with the kids.

Which I understand what he was trying to do. He’s like Joy from the movie Inside Out but I’m Sadness and am like wtf? And I don’t care what you think 🤣🤣

Here’s to another day of packing looking for jobs and just trying to live my best life ❤️❤️💯💯

Back to Kansas

Got the spot and now just dealing with the loss and thinking of all the work moving this whole family. Easier cancer care for Dad and to be closer to Charles’s Dad.

The big 20

This week was our I was going to say anniversary I mean it is what it is but..most of you know the deal

I hate it but I kind of think it’s cool I stuck it out this long. Like for my kids for my sanity and just having Charles available 24/7 because our life is crazy

My dad has an incurable but also living not too shabby cancer. My Mother in law recently passed so we are back in Kansas for 3 weeks 😳😳😳 to help my FIL move.. this year has been a bit crazy… anyways

So the anniversary happened and well I still think about Kendra and him having sex I still think of what a jerk I married not all consuming but I do. He may not be now but who knows when the tides will turn so I’m not holding my breath. I’m just doing me and trying to enjoy life

I’ve been married for 20 years am I excited to celebrate that? Hell no 🤣🤣🤣 but I am also happy. Not happy I have a cheater’ed 🤣 but who knows he could be cheating now but at least I am treated like the amazing woman I am instead of being a punk bitch like I was before ❤️❤️💯💯

Okay maybe I am being a bit harsh to myself but yeah I’m much stronger than before. Anyways to anyone struggling with the day they got married to someone who didn’t know your worth and treats you like garbage you are not alone.

I’m sorry your marriage has a stain that will never come out. Some learn to love the stain and continue to wear the shirt, some get rid of the shirt, some try so hard to get out the stain that won’t come out, some wear the shirt and try to live their best life even if the shirt isn’t their fav🤣🤣 we all have our journey and mine will look different than yours but that’s okay..

Email me if you ever need to chat this after affair life sucks but also doesn’t suck..

7 years ago my marriage to Charles died but I have been married since day 1

A faithful truthful spouse and maybe one day I will be in love again.. I doubt it but maybe ❤️❤️💯❤️

I forget and then I don’t

Sometimes I forget I was raised in trauma and sometimes I don’t

I forget the alcoholic raged fights and the toxic relationship and see my parents as grandparents but they always come out their crazy and seem to not mind complicating my life

I forget I think I am loved by my family

They do not love me they don’t love themselves it’s sad but I remember being there

I remember dealing with the marriage struggles the self worth problems

Never again I say to myself and then I find myself in the again.

I forget my husband cheated on me on occasion and I forget Kendra and then I don’t.

I miss having a man in my life I could trust who I believed loved me. However I forget the catch 22 of that story and then I don’t. For me to see his love was to make excuses for a man that didn’t exist

To see that man and not see myself because of the torment of my past

I forget and then I don’t I don’t miss the blind girl who made more excuses for others and never gave herself any grace. However I think about hugging her and crying to her I’m sorry I wish I could change things but I can’t

I’m hopeful when I forget and sad when I don’t

I’ve got to figure out how to do both… there is hope amongst the sadness.. I’m just not there yet and that’s okay ❤️❤️💯💯

April

I think my body just freezes during this time. Like Good Friday was the day of butt touching and me thinking maybe if we hadn’t gone to the party Kendra’s family and mine would be back to normal.

I was so gaslighted… the guilt… the betrayal and deceit

I saw some words that gave me exactly how I feel

Trauma reprograms your brain but so does healing from the trauma

I am healing in my own way I’ve been thinking of divorce lately

Don’t have the time with my Dads cancer and my Father in laws situation but it’s been on my mind

Especially when I saw a Tik Tok and it was about how we don’t get to choose how someone loves us we get to choose to participate in how someone loves us. For example there are so many ways I don’t want to participate in how Charles loves me but there are some ways that I do want to.

April is hard for me even when I don’t think about it. Maybe one day I will be free of all of this.

Also thank you Paula thank you for still blogging and thank you for not letting me feel so alone ❤️❤️💯💯

All the things

Sooo my FIL is in the hospital now and my Dad went to the ER and was diagnosed with an infection and discharged.

We are planning to leave AK

I’m not sure how I feel about it but my kids are broken hearted and I was not planning on going back to KS or to the very place that Charles met Kendra to have their all night romp..

Ugh I truly despise those two.. anyways just an update. I wish I felt close to my husband at times like these. That I felt we can be each other’s support system. But we can’t. I don’t trust him and him I’m not sure anything about. I mean so what about all the words out of his mouth? I doubt I will ever believe him… so that’s the plan

Hoping to be out of AK by Oct so that will be nice..

I think anyway so we can have better health care for both Dads

Foot massages

I do my own now and I’m learning to be okay with it and to make it my own time. The husband is not a massager and it’s disappointing because I am. My girls love massage.

I think after betrayal for me when the blinders come off and I was like this mother fucker 😳😳😳 I realized how little I settled for… sometimes I still feel like I’m settling… but In a more Forrest for the trees type of way.

Sometimes I wonder if staying with Charles and not having this family together just continues to fuel the cycle of how little men can do. Charles is full of that he’s learning now but good grief.. what I settled for so disappointing much more than that of staying with a husband who is not a massager but constantly would like one

Not my Valentine

There were times I would be bitter since finding out my husband never loved me on this day and many others

But I’m Better now I can read all the Valentine’s stories on FB and not be sad for me. I’m happy that their love exists no matter what has happened in their marriage they are proud of their love for their partner and shout it and tell it. I think that’s cool and a wonderful measurement of a little growth on my part 😊😊😊

I don’t have that but like I’ve said before that is a fun part of my life I no longer partake in. I would’ve have liked that. I would have loved to be the chosen the forever.. I still think of my next partner what they will be like if I ever get the chance. Would I even want one anyway?? Life is short and my Dad’s experience right now makes me sad and happy for all the things especially the present.

I am happy and I have become a woman I never thought I would be. I am the one who is fine without her husband and has no desire to spend every waking minute with him. Date nights are not a priority and to be real they never were in my marriage before. Because I married a douche canoe 🤣🤣🤣

I think that label is so funny because what is that? What I do desire is him cleaning our home and making dinners. Him helping remodel our home the both of us working together and hopefully we will be saying goodbye to Alaska and moving somewhere else.

Because we are tired of it here. It’s pretty but just difficult to do the things we like to do and hiking and camping just isn’t us 🤣🤣🤣

Plus medical care.. and my Dad but only time will tell. I foresee us staying a few more years 2-5 get our home in order while looking for more opportunities.

I am happy not in love but happy and that’s the best I got right now. Happy V day to all of us ❤️❤️ no matter what is happening or happened you matter, loved, and I hope today is a great day for you ❤️❤️