NH’s Situation regarding limboย 

I’m not in limbo some may think so, but what’s that song 

Should I stay or should I go??

I don’t have that..

That is not a question I struggle with on a daily basis

Sometimes I wonder why am I here?   Or what am I doing here? 

But that usually dissipates quickly as our children look for their father. Or I see how happy my family is.

Dang do I love this family.

I think what gets me is am I with someone who will harm me?

Am I still blinded and making excuses for my children’s father? 

Am I blinded to being mistreated?

Majority of times I am with him I would like to say no but it’s the fact that I doubt his intentions with me and with this family.

I also doubt my ability to recognize his intentions and how I’m being treated. 

Which puts me in a stage of anger however I think it’s fear. I fear being so stupid again. I fear being mistreated and I won’t notice. I fear that I am making excuses because I am too unhealthy to see reality. 

Because really Charles wasn’t a physically abusive absent father or a terrible provider 

He was emotionally absent as a husband. A critical terrible friend as a husband and a complete jerk when it comes to relationships marital or for the rest of the world. He would rather save himself, fluff his ego while putting down mine. 

And looking back I’m like what the fuck NH??!

How why?

The doubt in myself and him. Mostly myself. 

Maybe I shouldn’t doubt and just take everything that I feel about him at face value. And all the things that come out of his mouth. 

But I don’t for some reason.. it’s like I just can’t like I would be doing myself an injustice to believe he couldn’t be some snake playing games with me and my family. I would be doing myself an injustice to go off of what I feel because hell isnt that what got me to this place? 

So this is what the counseling is for 

To handle my fear, to manage my fears not just about Charles but about me and how hard I am on myself. 

Sometimes I still am angry I did not protect myself from Charles a long time ago. 

I’m so mad at myself for trying to love such a foolish cold hearted man a man who clearly has Momma and abandonment issues. But at the time I deemed him stronger than me, smarter than me, so much more amazing than me that he was above such nonsense and was wise because he spoke less and thought more. 

I made up the part of him thinking more he just spoke less 

That was my imagination filling in the gaping holes of his personality 

For a long time I fancied Charles to be so disillusioned with his affair and how he found himself there, however I am seeing how I was just as much to fall for him and become mistreated 

We almost seem like a perfect pair looking at it from that angle 

Till next time 

โคNH

Back to counseling I go

Yeah, Charles and I talked last night 

I told him all I have told you the past weeks and well cheers to him he wasn’t defensive and was open at letting me process all my thoughts. 

He was happy I was talking to him 

Really if I wasn’t married to an adulterer I would claim I have found the one I could grow old with. 

I asked him are you truly willing to wait for me? I mean it could take me 20 years to figure out if I am committed to you. Are you seriously willing to wait for that? 

He said I’m still here 

And then I asked him if he thinks it’s humorous what he did to me. Does he enjoy stringing me along? And then be like Sike!! (Yes I still use that term on occasion) 

Example why let your affair partner watch your kids while you go to marriage counseling with your wife? 

I wanted to know does he find pleasure in fooling me on purpose?

He denied being that person 

He says he understands why I would see things that way but that is not how he saw it at the time

Is this one big scam???

So I can fall for him again and then be like some Prince Hans out of Frozen.

Also I’ve been seeing the doc once a month to change eating habits am told him about my stress levels as a child and now. I told him about affair and nearly broke down crying. Not to blame Charles but it is a factor in my life now. I really thought I was over crying telling people. I’m not I guess.

Surprised I could get into a counselor tomorrow that my doc recommended.

So there you have it I’m acknowledging I’m struggling, I want to figure out my binge eating and manage my emotions when it comes to my marriage and myself 

Love 

-NH

I will graduate in 7 years?!! And there’s so much more to life than being in love with your spouseย 

Seven years at 1 class a semester 

Dang!!

Little disappointed to say the least but it is all mapped out 

So there’s that..

Also Charles is so insistent on asking how my day went.

Patient, thankful, kind 

Am I being those things?

Not really

I remember how judgemental I was to women who were not completely head over heels with their husband 

I mean why stay? 

Now I know 

Ahhh if being in love with your spouse was all it took to run a family 

I thought that was worth staying 

Nope seeing how happy my family is together 

How my son gets very quiet when the word divorce is heard on TV.

He remembers when his family was almost split apart 

I am finding there is so much more to life than being married than being in love with your spouse. 

I am figuring out how to find love for myself and figure out my daydreams 

How I run this family.

How I will gather our children every year as they age because good grief each one comes with their own thoughts and personalities.

Soon I will be explaining periods to my oldest daughter who is 8. Been talking about sex, drugs, parties, and situations with the boy. Squish will be entering Kindergarten next year.

Marc texted me and asked me about Charles and I. I remember being so smug talking about Charles and telling him I still haven’t figured things out. He said you sure are taking your time. And I said I will take as long as I want 20 years if need be! 

I wonder if Charles is willing to wait that long or if he’s just like me when it comes to our situation financially it’s nice what we have. And our kids are happy. 

And most of the time we are living at peace with one another 

Sooo majority over minority 

I miss the sparkle I used to have for him. However finding the sparkle for me is so much better but harder, more work 

Which is difficult for me but beautiful in a way I never would imagined 

Good night -NH

Downfalls of the crazy

My crazy 

It’s a little foolish 

But you know all the awesome FB posts where the husbands say my wife is such an awesome mother to our kids 

Yeah I don’t get that, but that’s all me because I don’t want him tagging  me on FB posts we don’t have that kind of relationship 

But I’m angry ๐Ÿ˜ก about something I told him not to do

Crazy 

And then he runs 13 miles in a 1/2 marathon and I encourage him and follow him but at the end I’m like this mother fucker can do this but can’t not be a slut adulterer!!

Couldn’t work hard to be a loyal partner but worked so hard to delete their conversations everyday 

Fucker..

But is he a backstabber now? 3 years ago I found out my husband is a fraud and now he claims he is no longer 

The strength to move on and am I going to? 

I’m angry tonight and I’ve been for a little while and even though I have been keeping it to myself my family is quickly falling apart…

Slowly..

I miss the days where I thought I had anything with my husband 

I also do no miss being treated so poorly

Today has been great with the constantly checking on me and seeing if I need anything…

Charles really has been gracious and nice

And I’m the one with the big problem 

NH out 

-feeling Frustrated 

A Happy Mothers Day

My house looks like this and I don’t care I will get to it this week.

I am not over-eating or going out to eat

I am taking care of myself like I should have done. I wanted someone to love so badly I forgot that loving myself was an option when I became smitten with Charles.

Maybe that is why I seem to not be smitten with him not just because of his disappointments but because no one except God deserves that kind of adoration.

I am so thankful to be a Mother to Boy, Em, Bell, and Squish 

I know I will survive without Charles in our lives but he makes this family complete

I want to encourage any mother or non-mother because of betrayal who just wants to give up on life and is done. 

I’m not going to tell you to have positivity, or things get better with time because sometimes time is relative and what do you do in the mean time while you feel so much suffering? 

Don’t give up whatever caused you to smile that isn’t destructive to yourself do that before you met.

Eat, drink (water mostly), and find your smiles

I gave up on me, my kids, and was just done…

What I worked so hard for crashed like a ton of bricks on my heart and I didn’t know what to do.

And I had so many wonderful women encourage me here and outside of the blogsphere to not give up

So here’s my encouragement to you

You will survive this if you choose and you are just as brilliant as you were before a cheater came into your life 

No matter how many cheaters or scandals there are. 

You are still undeniably talented, beautiful, and a work of art

There is no problem in a relationship so big or small that choosing to lie to someone in a mutually committed relationship is a part of 

No the terrible part is the liar, the fraud

They are the problem in the relationship until that is fixed there is no problem solving to be had at all

Who can build a relationship with a fraud, a liar, who will tear down every attempt of what a mutually committed relationship is?

Do not blame yourself it does no good and certainly do not waste time blaming the cheater. What good comes from confirming what they already are? 

You are important. I forgot that part being in a codependent useless relationship with a fraud of a man 

Didn’t realize it until after the fact 

Anyways I am rambling on.. so here’s to us Mothers on Mother’s Day 

I love you all and am learning to fall in love with my beautiful, wonderfully made self!! 

Cheers to the day!! 

So thankful to my four blessings who made me a mother 

Even to Charles that wonderful sperm donor did well by me in the creating a kid department

Love NH

Sometimes skinny blonde girls get me

With Kendra’s shape of face.

Not that I get angry 

Or afraid of them stealing anything besides my joy for a moment 

Because I see them and I remember her 

Like a living nightmare 

At the moment I catch my breathe 

I’m not sure when that will stop 

When people stop reminding me of her 

I wish it would 

But we all know what really happens with wishes 

Today I’m a little sad 

My heart aches somedays as I start off another day achieving goals

Being me because so many things remind me of who I used to be and who I used to love 

And how that love is no longer 

Starting overย 

I’m not good at it. 

It took me years to recover from making one crappy blueberry pie 

I didn’t start pie making again until at least 10 years later

Same for cinnamon rolls 

I made a few terrible batches and I was over it 

Starting over food tracking, exercising, meal planning 

See a pattern?? ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

Anyways I saw this article 

http://www.gracewhilewewait.com/www.gracewhilewewait.com/dearhusbandilovedyoufirst

And the regret didn’t instantly return that I’m still with Charles but I know what I have, don’t have, and romanticize about.

Suppose I think I do.

And I don’t have an I loved you first mentality now 

I used to.. but good grief who used whoremagedden?? But yes this word turned my history with Charles sour. 

I hate ever meeting him sometimes. I look back and think what the hell NH??!! 

Same for Kendra too WTF??

Anyways way less about her which is great what’s supposed to happen right treacherous snakes ๐Ÿ have no place.

Ahhh but then there’s Charles 

And to categorize him.. I have better things to do with my time but he is most def not in my I loved you first category 

I used to be so excited for date nights with him. 

Nope not so much.. I look forward to date nights with myself 

It’s awkward at first but not terrible 

Starting over that’s how Charles sees this that we can fall in love all over again 

The hope that, this man has for our relationship is pretty impressive 

The I will wait for you speeches, the taking care of dinners and things without being an asshole.

Like today I was so angry at our boy, our daughter just normal kid/mom stuff and my Dad 

I left early to my meeting no dinner plan in sight. He took the kids out to dinner and sent me pictures of them smiling. 

I do not hate him so much and the hate I used to have has just kind of evolved into me exploring myself as to what is emotionally and physically going on with me.

I think this is what starting over is for me And Charles 

I still think it’s sad 

I want a love story 

I mean who doesn’t want to be head over heels in love with their spouse??

Crap don’t answer that!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

We all know who!! Well most of you reading my blog do (not funny/ kinda funny)

But I mean I loved being in love with Charles I loved feeling special like what we have is special and just over the top our story 

Ever seen a sign saying 

“Our story is my favorite story”

And this is not my favorite story when speaking about Charles 

Not at all. 

Our love story sucks in my opinion 

And I guess that’s the starting over part 

Where I can say that and not be so emotionally crazed to want to take him out. 

That I can accept my marriage, my love story is more of 

I am choosing to stay in the bed I made 

There are things I am thankful for even in this bed which I thought was super awesome turned into some sort of smothering device tried to take me out mattress but couldn’t!! 

I envy a life story like the one mentioned in the link

And the fact that I envy it is more of a red flag on my own version of a love story 

Why do I feel this way?

What appeals to me most about it? 

And accepting starting over or possibly never having a love story like I wanted will I be okay with that?

Because there is no history in how we were married, or how we met.

I would rather not say or talk about it coming up on the day the marriage license was stamped. Or even my life with Charles prior to affair or even now. 

He’s a part of a really sad moment in my life. I lost many years being a wife. I don’t plan on losing anymore. 

Lots to learn 

When your starting over..

Losing weight togetherย 

Ugh so if you’ve been around this blog for awhile I’ve mentioned being a plus sized vessel.

Yup and when I met Charles I was bigger as well

No skinny to fat story here well except for Charles he’s always been small 

Anyways we both want to lose weight and it seems typical 

No more babies, kids are all potty trained and well here we are pleasantly plump and if we want to continue this journey called life it would be beneficial for the lbs on the scale to lower 

And he’s on board and I’m kinda on board I’ve been on my own kind of plan and it’s not really working 

Y’all know how I feel about doing anything together with Charles besides parenting and church 

But am I such a sucker whenever he says 

           I will wait for you                           

Anyways so both of us are trying to eat better.

Finals are almost over 1 project down 2 to go!!

Kendra on Instagram

So my business Instagram suggested this

What the hell Instagram?

A whole new email a business FB page for me 

WHY?

I wanted to post her face I was that irritated 

Showed Charles he said he was sorry and not sure why that popped up

One day I will be rid of her…one year maybe or maybe it’s the fact of wanting to be rid of her so bad that makes my mind play tricks on me…

Somedays I’m apologetic for all the horrid things I called her, for praying for a slow death for her 

And other days I hope for her diarrhea and long bloody messy periods. I hope she finds backstabbing friends and she finds herself girlfriendless. I hope I am able to see her fail.

I’m somewhere in the middle between these two thoughts tonight

I still see a Town and Country (minivan) and I have to take a deep breath

Now I’m not so excited to see him๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Seriously that’s all it takes for me to be like Meh… Charles 

That’s where a lot of their affair happened and in our Ford Focus wagon ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I still have that car 

I know getting rid of it was my first thought

But we own it and it’s a decent second car.

Being practical 

Kind of like not going to jail after trickle truth and killing him.. but I move on 

Anyways they still get me silver or grey town and country minivans

My heart just kind of stops I wish I knew why

Maybe because I don’t know how I will react if I see Kendra again

But she’s not even in AK

Seriously odds of me seeing her in one of those vans is pretty slim 

Just like me being afraid of sharks in deep indoor swimming pools๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Irrational I know 

Here’s to the day everyone โค