Being afraid

I’ve always been terrified of making the wrong decisions.

I do not want that kind of pressure on me ever again.

I truly wonder if him and I can make this work.

He is so fragile and I so tough..

I am sad and lonely not a lot but a little

Keeping all the people in this house going well..

Things are going well..

I just miss being in love tonight..

One of these days

We were talking about sex and I’m finding the power of silence. I don’t have to say anything back if I don’t want to.

He mentioned he wanted to have sex with his wife and I said nothing

I’m super frisky I’m trying to use something other than horny if you have a better word for it let me in on it😂😂😂

But I don’t particularly want to have sex with him. He’s still a default.

I don’t think so awesome to have sex with him, or so lucky to have him..

My silence says so much now.

He knows and he should know

There are no secrets on my end

What I have said before still rings true and if it changes I would let him know

I still think about divorce on occasion and have to remember why I’m in this marriage more than I ever thought I would.

I still think of her always random things, cabins, pancake/waffle mix, when the word best friend pops up

I lost my husband, and he lost his wife

I have no intention of finding any way back to him he thinks it will happen

We both grieve and move on from that reality in such different ways.

Great thing is I hate them less and less as time goes on..

Which makes me happy and feel accomplished

There are not any words

After he apologizes

He feels differently about things I say

He cannot see things the way I see them

Yet here we are

In the shower today I was grieved

I miss the love I used to feel for him.

I missed my husband the imaginary one

And Kelly came to mind the imagery of her and the other Kelly’s burying the bag of affair done cancan and all

And I tried to visualize me being sad and putting flowers on the graves of my relationships lost

Charles and Kendra

I think it’s where I get caught up I think I buried things only to be teary eyed and sad due to something out of the blue

And I don’t know what to do with those emotions until now

I realize for me this grief will always be with me and I have to take care of it on my own with God. Because Charles is no help and blaming him or being angry doesn’t do any good

I think I knew that already just not how to apply when the sadness comes

When social media shows me so many quotes from friends “I’d pick you all over again”

I wouldn’t pick Charles nope not ever

But the pain of those words where my hopes for a loving spouse are dashed and I’m in the reality of being forced to grow on my own in my own family

My husband is not the rock he once was nor will he ever be.

He’s undependable shifty he may be dependable now but psssh hell if I’m betting on that one

I’m happy but sad..

It’s lonely here sometimes

I think I just need some more sleep and to dream dreams that don’t involve Charles

We’ve become an entity I never thought we would be for our family

I have to be strong and see this through..

He left today again for work and it’s heavy

I am tired of the way we live with so much stuff so I try and organize, try to clean up or put away but it seems like he wants to work against me every step of the way..:

Why does he do this?

What purpose does his things that are so unkempt do for him?

Doesn’t he want to not live in clutter?

I don’t know he hung up on me tonight and I sometimes forget how childish he is

How foolish he is

But he always seems to rear his ugly

And he forgets that he isn’t fooling me

I get it

It’s just a hang-up

Why be so bothered?

I mean he mentioned if he had his own room like I do then he would have room for his stuff

😂😂😂

He’s so delusional

I really wish he wasn’t

I do like him

I’m not in love with him and sometimes I feel as if Charles thinks I owe him

Like meals

Sex

To act a certain way for him because he works and I don’t

What a tool

And he will deny deny deny he has any ill will yet he would love to tell me how to live my day

I’m glad he’s gone..

Don’t have to deal with his stupidness for a month just my Dad’s

He’s been testy too

Anyways here’s to another month of doing what I do ❤️❤️

Why are my posts all clumped together and other things

My Mom and stepdad are her they are so fun!!

I’m also seeing if I double space paragraphs if it will make a difference.

Charles is leaving right after my Mothers visit

And I’m interested on how I will start all 4 kiddos off to school by myself with my Dad

I love my Dad but I really cannot wait to send him to Samoa

I think he just needs a break from all of this.. or maybe it’s just me

As for Charles and I

A funny FB post came up and made me think of Charles’s affair

It said

Maybe the grass is greener over there because you aren’t over there fucking it up

😂😂😂😂😂

So funny!!

Am I right??

Staying with my adulterer is SO hard..

I feel like marriage is hard enough and I think the whole adulterer thing is like sprinkles Extra not necessary but so many people put them there! To be fair I’m sure for the adulterer it’s hard as well but I have no idea on that… Charles is going to school again and well I want to be supportive I just didn’t know how:I do want to think about it more because he left me alone when I was in school. He wasn’t supportive at all. And well that point came up tonight Because I am hurt by what he did (cheating aside) And I don’t want to be like he was I mean I do but I don’t I do in a sense fine you want to go to school do your thing But am I compassionate about his needs and trying to be a friend? I think I cannot complain about Charles if I am doing the same thing.I mean I can but what kind of growth does that get me? And that is what I want for myself anyways I bring that up and well Mr. Cheater wants to get defensive about my behavior when I was in school And well I was like No I’m not having it!In a sense of my behavior? I will admit I am not perfect and could I have opened up more sureHe said his words I made it difficult because my schooling wasn’t a decision we made together and I didn’t do anything else😂😂😂Oh my gosh.. yeah raising and homeschooling kids at the time My Dad made the kids breakfast My Dad watched the babies so I can get rest GTFO I commented on how he resented and supported the decision we made for me to stay home. He denied I commented on how he supported homeschooling but thought I taught them nothing at the same time.He deniedI commented on how I wasn’t as important as his music and how he never wanted to talk with me or do date nights He denied GTFOI told him I wasn’t changing my mind on how I saw the past but that wasn’t my point He got loud and defensive but only pointed out my defensiveness Ugh 🤦‍♀️There is so much proof of how small his self awareness is yet he claims to tell me what he knows and I’m like uhhh nope…Oh but he puts it on me saying that he cannot contradict me, he can’t say his piece about our history And maybe it’s unfair but this is what it is with me right now He doesn’t get to tell me about our history because as far as I’m concerned his history card about our life together is revokedHe disregarded everything about our history and showed me how little he cared or understood what we had So I noped out of that conversation and now we are distant again For the millionth time 😂😂😂😂

Sometimes

You built the girls a fort in their room We are tired You are tired from school And you remember to be the tooth fairy I say tooth fairy can be late But you go upstairs to be the tooth fairy So they could LIVe and be excited Sometimes I get a glimpse of why I liked you in the first place You are committed and can push through your own inconvenience to finish a task I admire that And sometimes that quality overshadows the fact that you are my biggest heartbreak and disappointment

Relapse

I recently have been going over my old affair books and wondering do I need to work on recovery some more? Have Charles and I done the work to move past this or have we just buried a zombie Just clawing it’s way out of the dirt slowly but surely I am distant from him. He knows and I don’t know how to bring it up That his affair still affects meI am not in love with him How I’m not over what he did and I wonder if I will ever be How I saw a girl that looked like Kendra yesterday from behind and I wanted to punch her in the back of the head and say Bitch! Your just going to walk by me? Like you don’t even know me? Ugh going over this book made me mad and okay Just like anything there are bad and good points like Like this stupid affair percentage of blame 25% was her fault 25% was his fault 25% their fault25% other factors Because there is no fault here I am blameless for affair and if anyone says to me I am wrong well we will just have to agree to disagreeHis affair, his drinking, his childishness all himFuck that But on the flip it talked about relapse more on the offenders side because when your an imposter it’s hard to turn those deceptive ways. But I flipped it to me. I am in relapse The feelings of hurt came at me and hit me againI did not punch the woman who was not Kendra, but I am leaving Charles out of my life I want to say he deserves itBut that’s blaming him for my actions Truth is at times it still hurts and the pain still gets me at the most awkward of times.. I never know when it will come and I can’t be a little bitch and be scared or avoid.: I get hurt, I get angry, then I react I want to modify my responses to the gutting hat happens to me time and time again I’m having a relapse and I don’t know if that’s good or bad but the book says I should expect them and deal with them accordingly. I think that’s one of the problems I don’t expect them. I don’t think they will happen again or at least I don’t try to either prevent or adapt to them. I’m angry I’m not as better at this as I want to be. Good thing I’m still cleaning house, doing things for me, and making a cake for my Dads birthday So progress there is.. I’m relapsing dear friends and it’s a bummer but a learning experience for sure

How could you…

See the thing is when I look at pictures of my son on the years of Charles’s affair or the pain in my kids eyes afterward.. I have a hard time locking my emotions in..This first time Momma of a Sophomore is having a hard time.. But I am having an emotional spin I found a Father’s Day present and our boys picture on it Labeled 2013 and it’s hard Charles and I both caused our boy tons of painAnd I look at that sweet face and think how Could my husband love anyone else besides himself? My child got love from his mother and I’m terrible at that I really am love the emotion sweetness just isn’t me and it’s been hard knowing that and raising kids I change I growBut I also feel a boat load of guilt right now.. and a nice wedge of anger for the man who left me Not just during affair but all the times before And while many of you know I mourn for the man (really idea) I was married to I also am glad that asshole is out of my life Fuck you Charles.. You can keep your liquor, your affair, and your stupidness Now Charles is sober never touches a drink and is so sweet and nice Like it’s truly unreal… yet it is real..And all of that still makes me angry the unreal and reality of it all

Pairing down books

So many after infidelity books

Lots of bible study books

Lots of memories

Charles and I seem to be in a good spot.

After going through the books just skimming really

I remembered I dont love him

How easily I can be fooled and how little I think about loving him or being in love

I guess I just think it will happen for me another point in my life

I am liking him though and maybe I will get to love

It’s not on my radar

I love the whole idea of him just being all for me, an encourager to me, just a guy who is or seems to be in love with this wife

He plays a good role

He seems to be interested in me which is fun

And endearing

Do I trust him to be truthful or to be faithful?

Nope.

Does that answer to that question dictate my life?

Nope..

Losing the man I loved and woman I was gutted me.

I don’t think I will ever forget he caused that.

I do wish that I had gutted him first and not cheated but left him, or never married him

Getting my resume tidied up this week and hoping to have a job that makes decent money.

Here’s to new beginnings…