Seattle

The sun is shining

I haven’t seen that 2days in a row for a LONG time. Today is the day of Dad’s first oncology appointment.

I ordered him Kentucky fried chicken and hopefully he will enjoy that before his appt. because it may be awhile before he eats again due to appts

I really wish I didn’t have to remind myself to be strong to be courageous to look at myself in the mirror and smile knowing I’m doing the best I can at the moment

My Dad

He helped me do the dishes when Charles couldn’t be bothered to help at all

Before affair during affair and after

Not almost 7 years after but I’m just now getting breakfast made for me and how busted is your girl when I feel guilty?

I have to fight feeling guilty because he’s doing things for me now it’s so strange though

Anyways my Dad’s sick they think it might be cancer in multiple places

I may need to send him to my family in Washington but we are still doing tests

I want to say I’m doing okay but I’m not I’m pretty sad I don’t want to be sad.. but it’s strange I cry a lot lately if anything happens to my Dad I sure will miss him

When I kiss him

It never feels like it used to.

I remember never being able to get enough of him.

And then so many things came crashing down

Recently I wanted to make out because I just ate a whole bunch of vanilla ice cream and I could taste it so well in my mouth I wondered if he could taste it too. He couldn’t

We barely make out anymore not complaining just a fact but kissing him is so different. It’s not the same and at first reaction it makes me sad. But after awhile thinking about it as with our whole relationship I’m not sure how I exactly feel about it. I know it’s not the same.

I don’t kiss him like I never want to let go.

I remember that feeling about being so enamored with Charles. So eager to spend time with him, so eager to beg him for crumbs

It’s so strange because now I have to figure out what happened? At first I think it was me I lost myself became a pathetic excuse of a woman thinking I loved a man who clearly never loved me is that why I felt that way? Is that why I relished every moment? Was so obsessed with him? Felt so much comfort in his critical bullshit that’s the only way I feel connected to someone?

And knowing that and changing my thoughts and actions in this marriage I am kind of blown away that I don’t know how to feel about it all

I do know that it’s different. And at first I want to say I wish it wasn’t but I would have rather known. I would rather known why I became so obsessed with a handsome alcoholic. That he never loved me. It’s a shame how it came out but I would rather know. Even if it’s different.

Pain shopping

Sometimes I kiss him and I will think this person treated me like trash.. just pretend it didn’t happen and be in the moment

I miss the person who treated me like trash, yes after 6 years I still miss what garbage relationship.

I miss being comfortable and feeling like my husband and I are able to conquer anything. We co-parent and age together but are we growing together or apart? It’s neutral… that makes me sad

I still look up Kendra’s face and it makes me sad

Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m thankful for so much

We recently got an espresso machine and I love it!!

I’m sad that I pain shop but looking forward to a 3 day week and making pumpkin pies tomorrow ❤️❤️

Time to just put that pain shopping behind me and start Christmas shopping because I’m soooo not feeling it this year

18

Right now is son’s 18th

He is so angsty and like any guilt ridden trauma adult I take it personally

I know a lot had to do with us..

He doesn’t have any friends like a friend group he never has. He had one constant kiddo in his life which was Kendra’s kid and well after everything he never saw his pal again even if they were growing apart

Then we moved to AK now as he ages out of Scouts tomorrow it would have been his last meeting but due to COVID and our level being high right now. Meeting is cancelled and so are most restaurants.

I want to celebrate him even if goodness the boy can push all the right buttons. We voted yesterday and it was his first time. The girls want to celebrate him as well however he really doesn’t want to do anything.

I don’t like missing my kids when they were small because it just makes me feel sad. And they are here just in another form. I must be present however I miss when I could cuddle him and our relationship seemed simple. Now it’s complicated and I don’t know how to reach my kiddo.

He’s a good kid don’t get me wrong but we have our struggles. I just want to see him smile more enjoy life more and not be so riddled down with things that don’t matter. Well to me they don’t matter.

I also in a strange state of affairs (ugh bad choice of words but I’m too lazy to go back) I am sad and happy. These kids of mine getting older is bittersweet! Our first born is 18 😳😳 I remember bringing him home he was so tiny.

And with the bitter I look at Charles and get mad at the choices he made and then the choices I made. Could I have been a bigger person and let our boys continue to be friends? Couldn’t I have been stronger for my kids? All of my crazy affected them and for that I am sorry, but I want to blame Charles for the pain I caused our babies..

I want to let him know what a fuck up he is and how I don’t appreciate his choices!! But alas what does that do for anyone??

I’m just a Momma navigating this thing in what I feel is alone but I’m not… alright off to bed tomorrow is a new day and I will smile and enjoy the day

Remember remember the 5th of November

Happy Birthday son I love you so much

A mistake to talk to Kendra and Charles in the beginning

At first I thought it was okay to do. I thought once everything came out closure, asking why telling them my feelings. Even asking to hang out with Bob all normal things.

Reddit really helped me to see how No Contact really means between a betrayed and their abusers. These people who don’t care about your personal health, a spouse or partner as a person, the relationship. Why the hell did I want to talk with them.

The only person I should have even cared to talk with is Bob and even then I should have not sought him out. I just wanted someone who was going through the same thing. He understood what I was going through and he was safe to me when I felt no one else understood.

However I regret talking with Kendra. Charles and Kendra but I will start with her because she’s easy in the sense to have kicked to the curb (not literally). I am not giving advice just saying my experience and what I would do differently. She did not care about me it’s pretty clear. She never was a friend of mine and clearly she’s pretty sick. What would I have gained from her? Texting awful things never made me feel better. Asking her did it feel good Charles chose her over me? Did that do any good? No. She even was lying to me as I talked with her calmly while I was in the psych ward. She mentioned Charles saying he wanted to step up for me. Which how would she remember? And why would I believe anything she says?

To me there is no closure with people who are not in reality. And I didn’t know that at the time. I had too many wonderful people wanting to save my marriage and focusing on Charles and I which were wonderful intentions but I would not start there with anyone who went or is going through what I went through

As for Charles I needed him gone which he could have stayed at his parents for as long necessary. I needed to keep him away from me and the kids. No separation agreement, no talking and no seeing the kids

So if I could have done things differently or knew better I would have done that. Charles and Kendra were people who repeatedly did not care about my well being and harmed me emotionally. Distance was necessary. And if anyone else committed a crime against me assault, robbery I would not have to deal with my attackers at all. But adulterers get to be around their families and many think it’s okay to have their partner around to work through the issues. Looking back that’s a nope from NH I should have removed him from my home. The one that I kept my family strong and believed in. Instead of bible studies and people telling me to give Charles grace. Looking back I needed to be as far away from my abusers as if someone who would have assaulted me.

And as for my kids I would have said he’s on a business trip and left it at that. Then I would have taken the kids on a trip and not returned for awhile to get my head clear.

I’m starting to wonder if that’s something that needs to happen now. Not traveling of course but space 😊

Answers

I saw a man today and he was a tall attractive man and goodness he reminded me of the kind of men I used to adore. Super tall guys.

I talked with Charles about this

Charles is not super tall and I wondered is that how his affair started? Not that I would have an affair but is that how it goes? When one falls out of love or even enjoys the relationship with the other the mind just wanders??

Then I wondered what type of person I would be without Charles?? and yes I know amazing..first off but who am I without him and do I like who I have become with him?

I mean besides our adorable children

Charles seems disappointed with these ponderings. Probably because he tries so hard I mean look how far the man had to come to not objectify women and really look deep into his treacherous self and figure out himself. Why he tries is an answer I truly don’t know I bet it depends on the day.

You know before affair I just thought he and I would be a team there truly wasn’t anyone as gorgeous as my husband. Now I wonder what I am attracted to? What am I looking for in a relationship am I interested in one at all?

I also have to remember how shallow and lame I was to find Charles in the first place. Young NH picked a shallow low self esteem alcoholic and I knew this going in but I thought he loved me.

Ugh the thinking. I truly shouldnt have to think If someone loves me.. I should know anyways. I wish I had answers.. I wish I wasn’t confused.

Without you

He’s been gone 3 workweeks in a row this month. I did discuss with him if he’s seeing someone else I would appreciate him letting me know.

It’s crazy how he looks shocked when I bring up these things. It’s so crazy how removed he is from it all. Like who me?? I would never 🤣🤣🤣

The man makes me laugh not always in a good way

However it’s been nice having him gone. I actually am cool with it. And I know my kids would be awful if we divorced. But goodness I think about it at times.. I would be such a liar to say it doesn’t cross my mind

Charles be cray he says to him it isn’t even an option. Well to me it’s always on the table. I do wonder about the man though nowadays. As I find more healing for me, more energy, more ways to live. I look at him and he does just waste away. He does not have a fire about him.. He never has.. I wonder if that’s why he’s so lost. It’s not a surprise that he doesn’t see it..

He comes home tomorrow. My dishwasher broke and I’m not excited to see him.

10 positive things I learned since my husband had an affair with my best friend for 2+ years

Before I get to the list here’s to 2blackcadillacs ugh I still don’t know how to tag well in our WordPress world but shout out to her for inspiring this list ❤️❤️

1. I learned it’s okay to be wrong. Mistakes were not learning experiences in my family and I truly thought I was building a family a life with someone worthy of trust. I was wrong I was wrong about Charles and Kendra. Being wrong was hard to take but something I needed to learn and not be so hard on myself. It’s okay to be wrong about the people you loved❤️

2. Not to be so hard on myself. Yes this goes hand in hand with one. I felt a lot of guilt being married to Charles. He also fostered that guilt. He was critical and mean. He didn’t love me. He wasn’t capable of loving himself or anyone else. I was too blind to see that. I never wanted to fix him I just thought eventually things would get better they did not. That guilt is not there anymore. If the dishes aren’t done, house is a mess, there isn’t any guilt. No one sighing around my house or being constantly disappointed. Now there is none of that and there never should have been

3. Letting go and no I don’t mean the affair I will always consider that a terrible part of my life but letting go of people. Especially Charles and Kendra. I had to let her go Charles too at least the man I thought I married. I created that version the one who I thought loved me. Nope had to move on and bury the both of them. Yes, she still pops up in my mind time to time and I get sad still but I have to remember she was no friend of mine. And the man I married he isn’t either.

4. Remembering my worth and that I am fierce. Somehow being married I played second fiddle. I compromised myself in the name of love which wasn’t love at all. I did not act on my intuition or my faith when I knew something was wrong. I allowed myself to be treated less than. I allowed myself to make excuses for the man I thought loved me.

5. Standing up for myself Charles isn’t the best thing since sliced bread and I will fight for my kids to show them how a wife and mother will stand her ground for herself and for her family. Disrespect, condemnation, guilt, critical remarks, double standards will not be tolerated at all, no excuses or there’s the door, seriously no one needs any of that

6. Being aware of my brokenness this one is a doozy but I was attracted to both Charles and Kendra. I kept and I fought for both of them in my life because you guys Kendra was acting all types of weird and not being a good friend at all. I made excuses for them both and always was checking in trying to call and hang with Kendra and be there for a friend and with Charles planning date nights trying to work on our relationship and work on me so I could be a better wife which Charles just loved little NH always has to improve but as for him nope he doesn’t need to work on anything because he’s perfect (HUGE eyeroll) Knowing my brokenness to what awful traits make me feel comfort from others because of my childhood trauma help me to grow and heal.

6. Growing and healing on my own is a wonderful thing. I don’t need to reconcile with Kendra or Charles ever. I don’t need to forgive them to heal or grow (I do want to though) I also don’t have to leave Charles to grow and heal too.

7. My marriage does not come first. I’m not sure it ever will. My list used to go God, marriage, family… now it goes God, NH, family..: definitely not perfect at this because usually I put family before myself but I want to get better.

8. Learning to Embracing the new. My néw way of thinking. Learning about myself and what I like. Learning about healing and growing all new. The new guy in my house who calls himself Charles (and so do I 🤣🤣) but he’s different I’m not sure for the right reasons but whatevs he’s new at a lot of things and continues to surprise me and not surprise me (old habits die hard right? And no I’m not talking about his slutty ways at least I hope he’s done with that). The newness of putting myself first and being me not Charles wife, not the harsh critic I used to be of myself. I’m not thinking about growing old with anyone. I’m just figuring out me which is new and scary and that’s okay❤️💯

9. Learning what love is and what it is not. Even how I love. I was abusive to myself and to Charles when everything unfolded. When my world became shattered I was left so empty.. however I was empty for years but just didn’t know it. Learning how I love and how I accept love is new because before DDay NH never thought this would be a thing she had so much figured out. I truly thought the crumbs Charles gave me was love it wasn’t.

10. That I am awesome and I don’t need to come out of being cheated on as stronger. This marriage doesn’t need to be stronger. That I am an amazing woman capable of so many amazing things. I am brilliant, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, kind, and so much more. If Charles never tells me he loves me or puts on date nights I do not need his attention or gifts. I am not hoping my husband sees me or notices me because I notice myself ❤️❤️💯💯 and God notices me too and of course my kids. I am worthy of love and I am good enough 💯💯❤️❤️

I dropped my phone in the toilet however it still is working

Strange I feel that way about this marriage sad and kinda happy

It won’t be the same again until I get a new one