What in the hell I swear we are consistently donating things left and right.. packing boxes and when I think I have a spot clear it’s like I don’t 🤣🤣🤣 Like why does it seem like I pack things and then BAM more stuff shows up 🤣🤣🤣
I promise I am not even buying anything. Even groceries F that I’m busy 🤣🤣🤣
Charles and I went to dinner last night and on our way home it’s just fascinating how him and I are so different and I don’t think he shall ever understand that cheating on me with her just added more trauma in my life.
I kind of feel like his stages have been
1. thinks his actions weren’t that bad in the moments during affair because he is so damn amazing.
2. Affair found out I’m rightfully pissed and he justifies who he is and that he’s a good Dad not that bad of a partner (you guys know I’m pretty relentless to be like no the f you are not amazing pretty much an asshole during affair and before too)
3. I think year 1-3 after affair their seemed to be a shift because there wasn’t a better us his results in his head of all his trying or the fact that he is faithful now or is a changed person did not affect how I viewed him and I could still see irritation at time like we are still talking about what happened?
4. Acceptance 4-7 he accepts I probably will not fall in love with him. He focuses on himself and his actions. I get presents (which I like) He doesn’t get irritated when I bring up her or my thoughts on marriage or the constant struggle I went through and continue to go through being married to him since day F*n 1.
So it’s always a journey. I respect him more in the ways where I am not calling him names or ignoring him. He can have his say but I am doing what I want anyway. Also if I’m wrong I will admit it and apologize. I think he wants to be loved and I’m just not into it. I mean we are working on ourselves and this partnership.
I told him today after dinner how we are just old people staying together for our families. My Dad, his Dad the kids. I mean seriously doing all of this separated would have been miserable. Charles and I work well together to take care of others. I think we are slowly learning to take care of ourselves despite our personal relationship with each other. I wonder what my life will look like without our parents, when our children have their own lives.
Not in a longing just curious like how I was curious what my military training would look like after I graduated Basic Training.
I do not regret staying. I do regret not being NC (no contact) with him and her after Dday. I could have used a few months and her never. I don’t regret being here moving to AK moving back to Kansas.
I also regret not being financially independent from my spouse. Which is something I hope to work towards more. All good goals. I would like to be stronger too.. moving all these boxes makes me feel so weak.. so yeah some weightlifting should be in my future 🤣🤣🤣 #goals
Also we watched Mitchell’s vs. the Machines and that is a great movie❤️💯 I truly love my family. I’m not in love with my husband and I just realized that I compartmentalize the two 🤣
We are going to take the ferry and then head on back to KS a different city this time. The one where he drove to meet her and they stayed a night in a hotel. I talked to him about that and he looks sad but also says but there will be new memories to be made with the kids.
Which I understand what he was trying to do. He’s like Joy from the movie Inside Out but I’m Sadness and am like wtf? And I don’t care what you think 🤣🤣
Here’s to another day of packing looking for jobs and just trying to live my best life ❤️❤️💯💯