Sometimes I panic

And I don’t know why 

But there are women who look like Kendra and I see them and I panic

Like I literally have to step away from that person or assess things and go it isn’t her 

It’s okay NH 

But it isn’t really her I’m afraid of I guess more of the shock when I am remembered of her 

I don’t want to remember her 

I want her gone and yet my facial recognition fucks with me and it hurts guys 

And I blame him and her 

I hate that feeling of when she pops up 

I really do 

Wonder Woman 

A long time ago a chubby little girl with a mean clepto mother and alcoholic daddy couldn’t understand what the hell was going on in her life 

So many things wrong cute chubby girl just could feel the crazy on her family and wanted to right it but didn’t know how. 

Before Any VBS, before Christ, she had Wonder Woman 

Chubby little girl loved Wonder Woman her beauty her strength

And felt strongly to fight for good no matter what 

Integrity meant something to that little girl 

And now seeing a Wonder Woman movie come out I have fond memories of watching the old school Wonder Woman 

She changed my life as a little girl.

I’m glad my kiddos don’t only have Wonder Woman when they were little 

Fond memories of me I guess 

Today I thought about Bob and stopped

I thought about him and wanted to say sorry.. sorry I was so selfish at the time I could barely see his own pain and I hoped he was doing well..

And in all my reaction to wonder how to connect with him.. I thought NH Stop.. that chapter is over and there is no need to contact Bob.

And I stopped..

Just like the want to hurt.. The affair part still makes me cry if I remember and sometimes I make myself remember and sometimes it hits me.. but to stay there very long isn’t easy.. I move on quicker.. and I hope that’s a good thing.. but really it’s how I want to live anyway I guess.

I don’t want the pain to linger, but I don’t want to be in denial either.

I want to live.

I still want to build a life where I don’t need a vacation and that seems to be happening more and more.

I feel after that whole Prez situation that I still want to be desired in the worst way.. seriously I don’t want my daughter’s to fall for that kind of dribble.. the kind that Charles and Kendra were in.. the kind that I seem to romantacize about.

the worst..

Because yes chemistry is fun.. but you know what’s better.. me and valuing me more.

What should and does make my heart flutter is seeing kindness in humanity.. not someone who just sees me for my beauty and warm personality..

Not the newness of relationship heart a flutter because really that’s just dumb youth.. something we are all going to fall for and if we’re not careful can fall for when we have responsibilities to the choices we’ve made as adults

When we married we gave up finding any other relationship. Now I get it some people don’t do that.. I’m married to one of them.

But me.. I think I’m choosing the right thing to do, the responsible thing.

Kind of like me wanting to get healthier instead of just eating pints of ice cream. It’s the responsible thing to do.

And not in the Metamucil fiber cardboard type of way.

More like choosing my own adventure in the best way possible type of way.

I regret staying married to Charles less and less as time goes on.. Not because I’m married to a perfect individual because sometimes I think.. oh man I would LOVE to be married to someone who understands fidelity.. someone who hits a crossroads of slutville and chooses not to be a slut or fuck a slut

Yes.. I would have loved that..

However hopefully I’m married now to a man who doesn’t exploit women. Seriously we’re raising 3 daughters and I hope he doesn’t want our girls acting like second rate women who don’t love themselves or others. Also how terrible of an example of a man their father can be. Would he want our girls to marry someone like himself..

I sure as hell hope not.. because I will see that shit coming.. Ugh.. the horror..

So I hope now he’s choosing to step up to the plate and be a person of dignity, respect, and honor.

Some would say since he’s stayed this long under the circumstances he has alot of honor already..

All of you probably can gather that I don’t feel that way..

Anyways.. I’ve been thinking about how I want to act. Why I want to be monogamous while I’m married to an adulterer.

In thinking about this question it helps me look for why I’m doing what I’m doing.

Who am I standing firm for?

Where is my life going?

What will be my legacy?

And I feel stronger in accessing these questions..

I am getting better.. a hard blow was delivered to me the spring of 2014.

And I’m so thankful I’m still around to tell my story..



Charles looked hot tonight..

For the first time in a long time my husband was talking and I looked at him from the side and thought how hot he looked and what a handsome guy I married 

Something new.. I suppose 

On another not Squish is having a hard time being 3… the No word is in full force 😡😡😡😡

Oh the feelings!!

Okay soooo I’m on a board and the president of said board is a single Dad. And I thought he was cute when I first started.

And I told Charles that I told him I found the Prez attractive and this was such new territory for me.

Because unlike Charles I took marriage to be serious thing. 

But now?

It’s hard not to look at other men and think? Could you be mine?

I know God clearly says if I list after another man thats adultery 

However I’m not lusting and picturing me having sex with other men.

Or the Prez but what was off limits in my mind before affair seems to be fair game after and I really don’t want that 

To turn into a cheater because I could see it going that way 

I know with all my self righteous ways I could foresee it. I wouldn’t be secretly having sex behind Charles’s back but my heart started racing standing next to him.

he even pretended not to know my husband 

He almost looked as if my husbands job was small when he was like oh yeah I know him which in reality it looks small if you don’t know the whole pic of what Charles does and I don’t care about  that anyway so many people put each other down for careers.

However this Prez just writing to you all now seems like a outside nice guy with jerky tendencies which we all have.

However, I had to remind myself to be thankful of Charles because I’m not going to lie while I was standing next to Pres and he’s so tall ugh I’m a sucker for men in leadership, tall if he would have grabbed my hand I wouldn’t have minded 

I know why would he grab my hand? I don’t know I was fantasizing I guess and then I thought if he ever kissed me I’d be okay with that

And then I had to stop myself 

I almost thought about leaving the board.

Because this is temptation and while Prez seems all great and handsome now.. he’s flawed and I’m foolish to open myself up to these silly mind games

I’m married

I shouldn’t be fantasizing about other guys wanting to kiss me.

This is how the crazy train of being a slut starts I bet.

Stopping the idea was not as easy as I had thought because why stop it?

I’m married to a cheater so monogamy is off the table now right?

That rule has been broken so let’s just keep it broken right?

This is sin I know it is and I’ve asked God to forgive me.

Because I’m married 

But that’s all I got 

Do I want to be monogamous with Charles 

I know I should be but do I want to be?

And what standard am I living by to answers these questions??

All the thoughts and feelings 

It’s tough right now…

A second concentration..

School.. school school..

I’d like to say school is killing me but it really isn’t..

I kill me.. I dork around.. if anything school makes me have more meaningful hours in the day..

because I’m pressed for time..

Anyways so I mapped everything out and well.. uhhh…

It’s going to take me what I thought 1 year.. now 2 years..

Fall of 2018 I would be graduating with the needed second concentration

2 years of full time school..

Could I do it even if it’s something I enjoy?

I’m not sure..

I wonder what I’ll do..

Charles is going out of town again..

Parent teacher conferences are on me this week🙂 I so love PT conferences.. I do.. I love chatting about my kiddos..

Anyways that’s all for now…

The boy will be 14 soon and I 37

Semester is passing by.. ALMOST OVER..

Good grief and to think that I would be able to muster another fulltime school schedule seems daunting but silly..

Because well classes are just like kids.. what’s one more.. once you have 2, 3, 4.. seriously..

Going to pray over it some more..

Anyways back to the ages.. I cannot believe it..

And I’m sure I’m being biased but we have raised a fine young man..

And I think he’s needing his Momma’s encouragement..

More than anything.. that  we will back him… still like a 6 yr old wanting to run a lemonade stand..

I will back him..

I will help him do what he needs to do..

I don’t think he knows this.. but he will soon.. I really love that kid so much..

Anyways on the marriage part what the hell I left to drop Em off at a party and I stayed the whole time because it was her first time skating and what Mom could just say peace out kid?? I asked if she wanted me to stay and she said yes.

I wanted to clean my kitchen a little more.. but stayed and when I did come home..

Charles had cleaned it for me..

He laughs more..

He plays more..

He cleans more..

He cooks more..

He is all over me more..

sometimes all the touching or even the memories still fuck with me.

Sometimes I still don’t want to be with him and just lay in bed all day..

But the cooking, cleaning, not being an asshat part.. un-fucking-believable… it’s so cool, I’m still surprised by it every time..

Every dam time.

It’s hard getting used to, but it’s also nice to feel blessed.. to feel like someone is looking out for what I need in the moment because while I love the four.. they are not always looking out for their Momma in the way she needs..

It’s weird that he is..

but nice.. sometimes I am pissed about whatever and he’s so nice, kind, understanding..

And I pout seriously.. I do and say it’s so hard to be mad at you when you are so dam nice!!

He just shrugs it off..


Homework.. ugh..

Squish’s demeanor has changed and it’s killing me… seriously before school she could buckle herself up and was on a slight potty training incline..

Now.. it’s an argument for every dam thing!! UGH..

Not her fault things are busy and she needs more of my time..

So time I shall give..

I can’t give up on school though.. but I’m so over it.. it’s usually around this time mid day where I’m so over school..

Grades start to drop assignments don’t get in..

I’m tired.. but I’m sure it’s all the halloween candy I’ve been eating during the day that really was supposed to go to the church.. but somehow got opened.. LOL!

Anyways few things I’m feeling.

  1. That I almost lost my family…. I really wanted to die almost 3 years ago.. or kill a few people.. Thanks to everyone that helped/protected me from that happening..
  2. I love serving my family.. like seriously sucking at algebra, not finishing things, not eating only the serving size of chocolate suggested are only a few flaws… but I’m so good at serving my family.. family meaning the collective.. not wifeing😉 from food to fun.. I so love my family
  3. I almost lost my family not because of Charles but because of me.. sure asshat played a part.. but solely on me  as in my own woman, mom, part of the collective and I feel like such an ingrate for the awesome family that I have and couldn’t find beauty in it.. I see it now and I’m so thankful I do, it’s like a second chance for me.

Alright off to do some English, Sociology, Math, and Spanish..

I’m only taking two classes a semester until Squish is in school it’s just too much..



Am I willing.. do I want to put this all behind me?

I swear I got that idea from many who thought (usually cheaters) that put the past in the past.. start fresh.. start anew..

And I was like fuck that..

Isn’t that how people get into affairs??

I wanted no part in that thought processing scandal..

But lately it’s been on my mind

What does letting it go for me look like.

I’m still pissed.. but do I need to be..

And I feel like the answer is a yes and a no..

I cannot believe in April of 2017 will be coming up faster than I will be ready for it and it will have been 3 years..

I still remember where I was.. when I got the call from the slut called Kendra..

And I remember beating Charles with my laptop screaming I hate you weeks after most of the truth came out.

I can tell you the weather.. I can still feel it if I go back there..

I don’t know how to let go..

I don’t know how to feel about this situation anymore.

I do know that I don’t want to be sin shamer.. someone always pointing out how fucked up Charles was to me.. and hope Kendra never has any friends..

Because really all of that says more about me than them..

What do my actions say about me?

What preaching is going on in my life?

Things on my mind..

Oh and my college algebra mid-term.. ugh..

I got a 70 in College Algebra..

Okay so my GPA is not the best..

But as a few friends have already pointed out C’s still get degrees..

Charles and I have been pretty touchy feely and it’s been nice.

Lately I’ve been struggling a bunch with why I hate him.. or why I don’t like him..

And is it safe to say.. I’m kind of over it..

No.. not over affair..

I doubt I’ll ever be over that.. That was some BULLSHIT.. seriously..

However.. Em wrote her penpal from afar a really sweet note in school about how amazing her life is and you know what?

FML.. I’ve got a pretty rocking life..

And yes while being a SAHM.. I can contribute that to Charles..

I can also give me a FUCKING HI dam.. FIVE!!

I do not take crap.. no I do not.. I won’t ever again.. It’s amazing how I could’ve seen asshats like Charles and Kendra miles away for anyone else but myself.. and now.. I think my asshat pointer is very much on point..

But not in a judgy way like I have some sort of asshat radar..

More like I value myself more. I’m learning to value the gorgeous princess of God that I am..

That I feel confident in loving those who are in my life well except Charles.. he’s still an iffy in the confidence ballpark of NH..

That the more fullness I have in God and truly love Him instead of me that I am protected from asshats. I didn’t grasp the concept when all of this went down I do now. That no asshat can affect me..Because shouldn’t no one be stealing my SPARKLE..

And I let them, because I was neglected, sad, and desperate..

I was running on fumes.. just trying to hold on and then the plug got pulled..

And I was over it all.

Glad I didn’t pull the plug on myself.. Thanks to all of you and to God for protecting me to still be in the race..

Now back to my literary analysis..

Hugs and Sparkle..


Also Books if you ever read this.. Happy Birthday.. I miss you.. I miss our talks and thank you for everything..