Going back to Kansas

For a vacation anyways

To see his family and take the kids back

I thought it was a grand idea

Until I walked into a Costco in Anchorage

We don’t even have a Costco in our little town of Kansas but we have a Sams Club

And well my heart stopped like literally

I was so sad

Those big carts and aisles

And it made me remember how small my kiddos were

How I used to take them shopping all the time it was my only time out of the house besides church and bible studies

And how I loved my husband

I’m not sure I can go back there to Kansas without having some sort of collapse

And frankly I’m scared about that

Glasses if you still read this I have been meaning to message you and tell you it’s going to be a quick trip of 2 weeks considering we are taking the boy to KU for a tour

Hope we can see each other

Anyways I will pray and gather myself to prepare for our vacation

Let’s be honest it won’t be much of a vacation

I’m sure we will be completely exhausted once we get home

I’m hoping we won’t be though..

Alright off to get some sleep and prepare for work tomorrow

One more thing

Charles made me angry tonight and I don’t know how to be in conflict with him without writing his ass off LOL what an expression

How to be in conflict with him and not go to this (expletives) has got some nerve!!

I am not even in a position of where a wife will be like I love our relationship and my husband to not let this get in the way and not go to bed angry

It’s like hell if I want to even breathe the same space

Which to be honest seems a little (insert smirk) immature

I think I will take my Jesus route and not got to bed angry and try not to sin..

There’s enough of that going around to contribute more to my life and those around me.

Will it ever end? Probably not

As I look in the mirror I’ve learned how beautiful I am

I have found a strength with God but it’s been my own journey

Charles is not a part of that

He’s not apart of making me stronger

He’s apart of tearing me down and trying to make me some sad watered down sex toy

Which I would never be could never be

So who came along to fulfill his needs Kendra

His manipulative mind games his low bar of a man behavior that was not working on me

So it worked for her

I could not settle

I wouldn’t

And he persisted to try and keep her and I as if we were on the same field

And now I’m the one he wants

Sometimes I think I might be able to like him more maybe even try to touch the surface of reading articles of how to make your relationship stronger

And I read it and I’m like fuck if I want to do that

No way I want to do that with him

And it’s so sad and I have a strange acceptance of that you know?

That it just is

When it comes to building this relationship I want no part in it

I’m pretty sure it’s because I still see myself as strong and him as some petty cheater on the bad days

On the good days I accept him as a good Dad and possibly even enjoy his company for familiarity

Not because I like him as a person

I mean I like him like you would like your favorite grocery clerk or librarian if that makes sense

Times like this I look for Romantic nostalgia about how I used to think before I found out what a snake I married

Because my expectation of what I think my marriage should look like isn’t it..

This is not it

And yet it is.. and figuring what that means and looks like for me is draining.:

Kenny Wayne Shepard

He’s out of town again and he might be going to a Kenny Wayne Shepard concert

I did flip out inside a bit

Concerts

A big trigger for me and one I don’t realize because on my little island there is minimal concerts here well big name ones

Anyways I forget that I withdraw and I come to the absolute conclusion of the mindset of these bitches

Charles and Kendra

Like the molester from years ago

I hate them

And that thinking gets me nowhere

It doesn’t help me address my pain it only deflects

The memories hurt and the triggers are so varied I never know when it will come what memory will make me remember or cry

But I am learning

I have come along way from realizing I shouldn’t hate to full on hoping they both die

To remembering who I am..

I am loved even if I married a man who doesn’t love me

If I’m neglected or abused

I am loved fearlessly wonderfully made and oh the places I will go

Charles was never the party nor was Kendra they were merely invited and I made them guests of honor

Guests of Honor no longer I am learning and growing as furious and fast as before without the concrete brick of a husband drowning me and the backstabbing blonde who I treasured as a friend

The scars of what they did are still there and the wounds are not fully healed but they are better and I’m so thankful for a patient loving God to show me the way.

I still miss the loving admiration I used to have for my husband and that still makes me sad however I cannot let those tears hold me back but I can also be sad for days on end and that’s okay

My grief doesn’t drown me anymore however learning to swim in the uncertain waves is still a struggle

To the husband I loved I believed in you and I wish there was someway to find you again but ashes to ashes dust to dust our marriage was traded for cheap fucks and lust

I know the affair wasn’t worth it and you say it just so

But I still have to bury you alive and not dead I need a husband like you like I need a hole in my head.

I

I waited for you..

Oh the FB memories

Anyways I’m sick and I’m sad

Well just getting over the sickness

Anyways memories popped up of me and the kids

The time I didn’t want to go with Charles out of town because I frankly did not like him or want him around

He was being such a dick and I was like I’m so happy your leaving

But he insisted we all go

So we went

And I spent a lot of time with our babies

Took them places even asked Kendra good spots to go but of course she was being an ass-hat too

But going to that place was fun. We all had a blast

I’m in a part of healing where not all my memories from his torrid affair ruin mine especially with the kids

I might have married such a fucked up human being and was friends with one but I am a damn flawed but loving Mom to my kids. And not that loving doting type but the hard worker he sacrificer the doer

I did with my kids all I could and tried and while I waited for my husband to come home from Iraq after deploying as our son was 4month old after waiting for his stupid ass to not be such a tool..

I’m sad I waited for him

I waited for him to come around time and time again until he just didn’t he died and never returned and I didn’t even get to say goodbye

Some would say he left willingly so he never died or the fantasy of an affair is so strong that he got lost

Well I’m here to say my sadness today stems from the I waited for him and he never gave a dam about that.

But alas now he says he’s the man for me and I’m his only one πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I shouldn’t laugh at his growth but it is comical to someone who always thought he was worth my time and honesty.

I’m glad he is kinder than what he used to be

Just sometimes I think he gives himself too much credit

Anyways today I did cry that I waited for him that grief comes in waves for me and I’m glad that I don’t ever make the decision to wait for him ever again.

Progress Chart

Charles disappointed me yesterday and I thought this really is it.

I am over this..

This is the moment that my therapist said would come.

And it wasn’t over something petty it was over him being rude and selfish concerning my 84 yr old father.

And I was done.:

However knowing a lot about myself I gave it time

I gave myself sometime to compose myself and talked to him

I have no idea what for it’s like talking to a wall. He asked me, my girls saw me crying today, and I told him all that was on my mind..

and you know what he said

Thanks for sharing

And that was it

Now I can’t be mad at the guy for not responding the way I want him to..

but what is the point? Why did I tell him anything? Why am I including him in my pain thinking the opposite will happen with him that we could talk it out perhaps I have no idea

Hello insanity table for 1

Oh you guys

I keep thinking I am responsible for my healing so what does my progress chart look like?

Still mourning

Bob said something to me in the very beginning of this about almost 5 years ago

He said he saw something that was relevant and said

You don’t get to punch me in the face and tell me when to stop bleeding

I Was catching up on my show of a million little things and oh the crying

If you haven’t seen the show it’s a tear jerker anyways on this past episode the friend looks at his best friends grave and says I never got to say goodbye so goodbye

And the show ends

But for me the thoughts are reeling..

Maybe thinking about my husbands death isn’t healthy I have no idea but to me you guys

The guy I loved?

The guy I couldn’t get enough of?

The guy who I thought was the most attractive guy in the world (yes there wasn’t another for me)?

He died the day he played footsie Dec 31, 2011

I didn’t know it and playing catch up even after 5 years still makes me sad. Saying goodbye to my husband the one I adored has been tough (yes even if I adored an asshole)

I also miss being pain free. Looking at him sometimes brings a pain still even 5 years later that I can’t always describe

This pain is ever evolving it would seem

Your blog comes to mind Krazykat of just be kind

Charles and Kendra never had to talk to me or be near me but they both chose to be

When the cards came crashing down Bob texted Charles to say stay the fuck away from his wife and day of reckoning was coming for me but did my coward husband do anything?

He just couldn’t be kind

But now oh you guys I’m married to the what would seem the kindest cheaterfucker ever

I want something it happens

It’s like I’m in American Beauty where the guy catches his wife cheating on him and he says you don’t ever get to tell me what to do again ever !!

You think that would appease the hurt, the heart but it doesn’t

πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“

The bra alternative Ruby Ribbon and looking at my cheater husband

After writing that title I wondered if cheater husband was a good description I mean he says he isn’t cheating now but geesh does it ever mean anything? Will it ever? I wonder

Anyways you guys I had never known about Ruby Ribbon but a math teacher invited me to a party and it’s like a tank top girdle. And they are pricey they call then cami’s but whatevs and well it holds the rack upright and does okay. I’m not itching to get the bra off so guess that’s a win. I bought 2 at the party and their nipple pads.

I’ve only been wearing them a week now but not too terrible. Beats an I’ll-fitting bra that’s for sure though

Alright now back to Charles

Lately I’ve been thinking if arranged marriages can work why can’t Charles and I?

I mean I don’t want to be married to him but we work well with the kids together, love Jesus, and well did I mention we work well togetherπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and my kiddos want their family and need it together and being with Charles isn’t miserable

But it sure isn’t the can’t wait to be in his arms doable, so attractive situation either.

I wonder if one day I can look at my husband -and not see one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

I truly wish he understood and maybe he does but it’s so terrible when something good comes from him because it’s an awful reminder of the past good and bad..

Alright falling asleep

Laundry situation is still 4-5 baskets of laundry chilling in my living room

And I recently talked about laundry and how it isn’t working out for me and my family and a woman said why not do your and husbands Together,the girls separately, and then the boy

Blew my mind…

Am going to try it

How do you do laundry?

Lots of love

Till next time

NH

Being employed

Love my job love who I work with ❀️❀️❀️

But I am getting tired of only two days off a week there’s so little time to do things

Like you guys my laundry seriously it’s bananas

And not in a good way but I get my first full paycheck this week.

Excited to pay off debt and get back on track with finances

My friend got me to try ruby ribbon which is a bra alternative have you heard about it?

It’s okay so far but I’m not sure how I feel about it the rack is up but just feels weird

As for Charles and I we are just getting cranky he’s finishing up a semester in school and is cranky which I don’t blame him school is soooo Uuuuuuggggghhhhhh

Our quality of life gets so murky when him or I or the both of us are going to school

I understand his sadness

Anyways here’s to another week of work

And to accomplishing goals

Also I really love my kids all 4 of them are changing so rapidly but they are all my babies and I’m so happy to be their Mom

I’m glad I stayed alive and didn’t harm anyone or myself like I wanted to years ago

I try not to cringe when I think about what I would have done how much I wanted to stab Charles how much I wanted to die

I try to remember how hurt I was and how I dealt with the blow as a weak woman trying to find bearings where there weren’t any to be found. And smile that I lived through it that I had a support system of women and men and fellow bloggers that lifted me up when I was so down.::

I’m so grateful for everything and happy to be alive

Married to a cheater but whatevs things are pretty good for the most part

Till next time

❀️NH