Your story is far from over, the journey has just begun 

Oh how I believe this now, how I can smile and say YES 

Oh NH you may be married to an adulterer but your story is not over!

My life, joy, happiness is not dependent on my husband it never was because really he never made me happy. 

I should have left him a long time ago but the fighter in me wouldn’t quit. 

I made excuses for myself on how I should be treated. I no longer feel that way or stand for any kind of strange behavior 

I really thought my journey was over that I fought the good fight and I was done 

And as I continue move, grow, pursue the right things, strengthen the muscles of the fruits of the spirit 

Instead of hate, malice, bitterness, and resentment 

I find myself to be lighter, finding freedom

From all the fear, anger and pain..

The suffering will always be with me but I would rather strengthen the hope I have In God as He does not waste anything. 

And I’m so glad I was given the kindness, compassion, and grace to do so. 

To b encouraged to not end my life, to have a husband that has given me more pain, but who has also respected me enough to give me time and anything I want to do is encouraged. Besides dating websites which he’s blocked with our filter which is a great thing😂😂

Thank you for reading and your journey is far from over 

❤❤❤❤

NH

How does a betrayed answer?

Yeah I recently was asked if I had done the assessment. I did! And attending a Bible study with asshat for marriage while he was texting Kendra behind my back at the time.

Ugh. I tried again though just to see and I couldnt make it through the test.

What used to be simple answers are no longer simple 

Do you prefer to:

Hold your spouses hand or

Get a gift from them?

Do you prefer to: spend time alone with your spouse or do an activity with them in public?

All odd questions for me..

Are they odd for you? 

You can check the test out by Googling 5 love language assessment.

I couldn’t finish the video 

It was of a couple and a video of their baby. 

She’s turning one tomorrow 

And the Dad made a video of the family

I couldn’t finish it.

When I delivered Squish he was an asshat 

And he allowed her in my room to hold our newborn.

I couldn’t finish the video

I don’t think about Squish’s birth or her 1st birthday when her father was drunk and forcing her to eat cake!

Today has been full boy got first place in his weight class for wrestling and we were there forever it seemed.

So maybe I’m tired and super emotional.

I am in no mood to argue with him about it. 

I think I will talk with him.

About it.

I’m happy with myself that I don’t just start packing my things when memories like these pop up

Bright side guess I forgot how hurt I am about them.

And to work through the pain instead of avoid it or tear more open. More like taking care of the wound.

I know it’s there and I accept it will be there for a Long time how I take care of the wound. That is of great concern to me and I feel I’m in a place where I can assess my wound and think about ways to take care of it instead of reopening it and fucking with it..

Anyways downstairs I go 

The weird

I look at Charles and think so excited and handsome

I also look at him and think big huge jerk face 

And sometimes I wonder all the grey.. 

Because all of us are like that 

Charles is somewhere in the middle 

Depends on the day

I want to kiss him but I also don’t want to 

Being with him is one of the strangest things I have ever done

Ever

Don’t you get it you are a variable?

I am thankful that I could communicate with him his status without sinning, calling names, screaming

I called him a variable 

He used to be a constant, but he is no longer that.

I do not trust him to not push this marriage aside for his own wants, desires 

Whenever he feels like playing footsie with someone else’s spouse.

Whatevs 

But realistically is this my bed and really I can accept that 

I chose the wrong husband I did that and I chose to put up with the disrespect, the distance, the self condemnation all in the name of marriage is work and we will find our way 

Nope he found his way into sex in Walmart parking lots 

I don’t want to break up my family. I can accept this lackluster love life to seek more fulfilling things of course. 

I can accept that still hurts but I can accept that

He didn’t like being called a variable 

He so badly wants to be a constant 

Bridge burnt in my eyes 

Talking with him

Charles conversation skills has heightened since the fall out 

And tonight I am reminded of why it’s better not to talk to him about matters of intellect because he is a double standard.

He will say “NH why are you saying the obvious?” And I will say back to him because I wanted to be clear on what I said and meant.

And he says okay well I know that.

But then states the obvious about us growing and changing saying “We get to choose how we live” and I was like what do you mean by that and how are you able to state the obvious? But me it’s nonsense when I do it?

Not much has changed in the double standard Dept with Charles but that’s okay I’m not surprised not one bit..

The past 

I was a young wife and smitten after our son was born.

Our baby was crazy and moments to myself were far and in between.

I’m not sure if my Dad was watching Blaise but I was by myself 

Found this at the PX (store for military) on clearance and I wore it proudly every time.

C- for Charles 

I wear nothing proudly of his anymore. I am curious as to why it’s hard to throw it away.. guess I remember so many moments inthat necklace. the compliments the memories I have of it.

Charles went to Iraq for 16 months and I stayed faithful to him while I had to raise our 6 month son

What an asshole I married

The fucking spouse I picked 

Ugh… he is chock full of despicable memories 

But he is also a part of so many decent and good memories as well.

I still hate him not as much 3 years later but I do 

I still am angry at myself for having such crappy people in my life as well. Kendra and Charles fucking douches…

I allowed them in and made excuses for them

I’m glad they are both kicked to the curb.

I have my own bank account now and my Alaska money and any money I make will go there 

Am I saving to leave him? Maybe I don’t know. But I will not be without a backup plan to leave his sorry behind again 

I will not be without the resources to find my own place and get as far away from him as possible. 

It’s not funny but I find the humor in both of them talking about if they feel the same way about each other after the kids are grown they would leave us for each other. Charles said we were just joking.

Fuckers anyways 

Now as he wants to stay with me and I think of our kids being grown and him going to do whatever and me just cleaning all of my belongings and bailing on his ass. 

No note. No nothing.. No one there for him when he gets home and totally out of nowhere

I just leave..

That is what I think about 

Is it really revenge??

Maybe

It’s more of a fuck you kind of dream

And he wouldn’t be surprised but he would be you know

Because the man still doesn’t understand the damage he put me through. He thinks whatever could she possibly be upset at me for now? I’m a fucking saint now! Presently I’m not sleeping around behind her back with a crappy friend and not being a fraud yeah me! Now let’s build a relationship together!

Sorry Not Sorry I don’t get out my party hat Charles

It hits me at the weirdest times

I’m just doing laundry, walking up the stairs and BOOM

I’m thinking 

Charles that fucker how could he watch my baby girl while I was at my brothers graduation and try to put her to nap while him and Kendra tried to have sex in my house

They didn’t finish because Bell kept waking up. So the fucker kept trying to put down our baby for a nap so he could fuck his mistress my backstabbing ex slut of a friend  in our bed across the hall.

He gave our older two to my inlaws and he kept the baby.
Fucker had such a hard time wanting to do anything with me when our kids napped or sent them to the inlaws for a date night with me

GAH

I still hate him LOTS at times 

Lots 

And the best comfort for me is knowing when that little bitch I was married too tried to destroy my family he couldn’t 

I’m too strong for his weak ass 

When he persecuted me, ignored me, condescended me 

I stood tall and loved anyway 

Also God protected me from being married to such a little bitch. I have friends a life outside of him.

Heck even got my own bank account now 

Fuck him..

He’s out of town and coming home today 

He’s all don’t worry I have a vehicle at the airport so you don’t have to come get me

He left and I’ve barely talked with him and I get that

The man is funny 

Because after I saw that I was like

Hmm wasn’t worried at all

Maybe it was looking at my sweet daughters faces at old photos of him in 2013 and seeing that bastard for what he is that has me in spin

No matter 

Alright off to clean this lovely home 

And I think Charles if anything  is pretty funny..

Me worry about him?? So funny

Out of all my worries he isn’t one of them😂😂😂

Valentines day

All of it is getting to me lately the ads 

The constant badgering of Squish of asking when her Dad and I are going on a date 

I’m confused how did I get here again?

The lack of romance 

The wondering am I not trying enough? I have no interest in trying. But is that what I really want? 

I miss being in love with a guy 

Yeah I miss that