I thought about him and wanted to say sorry.. sorry I was so selfish at the time I could barely see his own pain and I hoped he was doing well..
And in all my reaction to wonder how to connect with him.. I thought NH Stop.. that chapter is over and there is no need to contact Bob.
And I stopped..
Just like the want to hurt.. The affair part still makes me cry if I remember and sometimes I make myself remember and sometimes it hits me.. but to stay there very long isn’t easy.. I move on quicker.. and I hope that’s a good thing.. but really it’s how I want to live anyway I guess.
I don’t want the pain to linger, but I don’t want to be in denial either.
I want to live.
I still want to build a life where I don’t need a vacation and that seems to be happening more and more.
I feel after that whole Prez situation that I still want to be desired in the worst way.. seriously I don’t want my daughter’s to fall for that kind of dribble.. the kind that Charles and Kendra were in.. the kind that I seem to romantacize about.
Because yes chemistry is fun.. but you know what’s better.. me and valuing me more.
What should and does make my heart flutter is seeing kindness in humanity.. not someone who just sees me for my beauty and warm personality..
Not the newness of relationship heart a flutter because really that’s just dumb youth.. something we are all going to fall for and if we’re not careful can fall for when we have responsibilities to the choices we’ve made as adults
When we married we gave up finding any other relationship. Now I get it some people don’t do that.. I’m married to one of them.
But me.. I think I’m choosing the right thing to do, the responsible thing.
Kind of like me wanting to get healthier instead of just eating pints of ice cream. It’s the responsible thing to do.
And not in the Metamucil fiber cardboard type of way.
More like choosing my own adventure in the best way possible type of way.
I regret staying married to Charles less and less as time goes on.. Not because I’m married to a perfect individual because sometimes I think.. oh man I would LOVE to be married to someone who understands fidelity.. someone who hits a crossroads of slutville and chooses not to be a slut or fuck a slut
Yes.. I would have loved that..
However hopefully I’m married now to a man who doesn’t exploit women. Seriously we’re raising 3 daughters and I hope he doesn’t want our girls acting like second rate women who don’t love themselves or others. Also how terrible of an example of a man their father can be. Would he want our girls to marry someone like himself..
I sure as hell hope not.. because I will see that shit coming.. Ugh.. the horror..
So I hope now he’s choosing to step up to the plate and be a person of dignity, respect, and honor.
Some would say since he’s stayed this long under the circumstances he has alot of honor already..
All of you probably can gather that I don’t feel that way..
Anyways.. I’ve been thinking about how I want to act. Why I want to be monogamous while I’m married to an adulterer.
In thinking about this question it helps me look for why I’m doing what I’m doing.
Who am I standing firm for?
Where is my life going?
What will be my legacy?
And I feel stronger in accessing these questions..
I am getting better.. a hard blow was delivered to me the spring of 2014.
And I’m so thankful I’m still around to tell my story..