I wanted THAT story

The one where yes I know Jesus loves me and we are all sinners but I have a husband that loves me.

That truly sees me

But I don’t

I’ve been mulling this over for awhile and while I have to live with this and know this is for my kids and Charles was my choice

A foolish one

But my choice

I chose to have kids with a foolish selfish man

I choose to still do this

But how my heart aches and I see that story I know that story and I want that story for myself and my kids

But it’s like a Career choice I can never be certain careers now because of my age

No air traffic controller for me

Or who knows what else

I may never be in love with my husband again but I’m learning to live without that

I’m learning to live with the things I can’t have and not go into some crazy tantrum

I suppose it’s delusion but I miss feeling okay with him. Like I matter and he can stay with me until he dies and he can show me all the affection now but it doesn’t seem to change anything for my dreams or my heart

Kansas was great beautiful and I cried a few tears and more afterward

I loved seeing glasses and all my past peeps who held me up when I was down

To hug and hold them

Was truly words just don’t do justice

I didn’t see enough though more time

However I didn’t see my old house

The one I was backstabbed in and the one I so brighteyed and excited to buy a home with my husband our first home my first home as a mom and wife

I cry when I think about it

I understand that I’m still really sad and I’m going back to counseling

The tears

Creating plans for the vacation

Things will be pretty booked

And I’m cleaning house just bawling like a baby

He’s out of town and I don’t miss him

I’m happy to just be chilling in the home with the kids and my Dad

Sad again tonight hopefully getting it out of my system

Remember to not sin and know that God loves me and protects me above all else

Kansas reminds me of how I loved him and what I thought love was

What I thought he was

Also I know it’s coming the how are you guys doing?

The looks most of my church knew due to a question from a VBS Mom to another mom who knew

How are we making it?

How are we?

The first home we bought

The first place we made a home after the military

And he didn’t care

I didn’t matter

Our family didn’t matter

Fuck him..

and I can say that

And that be okay

We are connected because of God and our family

But as for me just me if we did not have kids I would have left him

Those precious faces love their Dad and their family and most of all God ❤️❤️❤️

I also have learned ALOT about myself doing this with Charles

What love is biblically and what it isn’t

My place in this mess called a marriage and what isn’t

Learning about how I feel about it all and how I want to live my life

The memories are still hard and make me sad..

Sometimes my stupidness as well I truly thought they both loved me

Planning for the heartbreak when I go to Kansas and what I can do..

because losing my shit is not an option

One day

I will get back to therapy

To be real might as well make an appt

One day I won’t touch toes with him and it won’t take me back

To the story of footsie

The beginning of the end of my marriage

And yes to me my marriage ended

May not be on paper

May not be the last name I share

But to me this is some new place I have learned to live in

The pain still gets me

Not as bad as it used to

But it still does

I don’t think we are stronger together but I do know I love my kids and I meant what I said for better or worse

Better comes and goes

He’s awesome now and really truly tries to be

My relationship is quite locked up well in the area of NH truly is catered to and somewhat cherished

That doesn’t make up for history

Doesn’t make up for the backstabbing and it sure doesn’t make up for the emptiness

Doesnt mean I haven’t forgiven him or moved forward because to be honest I doubt moving on from betrayal is a thing for me but moving forward and not act like the Queen of Hearts is a step

I doubt I will ever look at my husband with adoration like I used to

Maybe that’s a good thing

But tonight I hurt

Tonight my emotions got the best of me

Going back to Kansas

For a vacation anyways

To see his family and take the kids back

I thought it was a grand idea

Until I walked into a Costco in Anchorage

We don’t even have a Costco in our little town of Kansas but we have a Sams Club

And well my heart stopped like literally

I was so sad

Those big carts and aisles

And it made me remember how small my kiddos were

How I used to take them shopping all the time it was my only time out of the house besides church and bible studies

And how I loved my husband

I’m not sure I can go back there to Kansas without having some sort of collapse

And frankly I’m scared about that

Glasses if you still read this I have been meaning to message you and tell you it’s going to be a quick trip of 2 weeks considering we are taking the boy to KU for a tour

Hope we can see each other

Anyways I will pray and gather myself to prepare for our vacation

Let’s be honest it won’t be much of a vacation

I’m sure we will be completely exhausted once we get home

I’m hoping we won’t be though..

Alright off to get some sleep and prepare for work tomorrow

One more thing

Charles made me angry tonight and I don’t know how to be in conflict with him without writing his ass off LOL what an expression

How to be in conflict with him and not go to this (expletives) has got some nerve!!

I am not even in a position of where a wife will be like I love our relationship and my husband to not let this get in the way and not go to bed angry

It’s like hell if I want to even breathe the same space

Which to be honest seems a little (insert smirk) immature

I think I will take my Jesus route and not got to bed angry and try not to sin..

There’s enough of that going around to contribute more to my life and those around me.

Memory management

If you have any links or theories that are helpful would love to read them

Will it ever end? Probably not

As I look in the mirror I’ve learned how beautiful I am

I have found a strength with God but it’s been my own journey

Charles is not a part of that

He’s not apart of making me stronger

He’s apart of tearing me down and trying to make me some sad watered down sex toy

Which I would never be could never be

So who came along to fulfill his needs Kendra

His manipulative mind games his low bar of a man behavior that was not working on me

So it worked for her

I could not settle

I wouldn’t

And he persisted to try and keep her and I as if we were on the same field

And now I’m the one he wants

Sometimes I think I might be able to like him more maybe even try to touch the surface of reading articles of how to make your relationship stronger

And I read it and I’m like fuck if I want to do that

No way I want to do that with him

And it’s so sad and I have a strange acceptance of that you know?

That it just is

When it comes to building this relationship I want no part in it

I’m pretty sure it’s because I still see myself as strong and him as some petty cheater on the bad days

On the good days I accept him as a good Dad and possibly even enjoy his company for familiarity

Not because I like him as a person

I mean I like him like you would like your favorite grocery clerk or librarian if that makes sense

Times like this I look for Romantic nostalgia about how I used to think before I found out what a snake I married

Because my expectation of what I think my marriage should look like isn’t it..

This is not it

And yet it is.. and figuring what that means and looks like for me is draining.:

Kenny Wayne Shepard

He’s out of town again and he might be going to a Kenny Wayne Shepard concert

I did flip out inside a bit

Concerts

A big trigger for me and one I don’t realize because on my little island there is minimal concerts here well big name ones

Anyways I forget that I withdraw and I come to the absolute conclusion of the mindset of these bitches

Charles and Kendra

Like the molester from years ago

I hate them

And that thinking gets me nowhere

It doesn’t help me address my pain it only deflects

The memories hurt and the triggers are so varied I never know when it will come what memory will make me remember or cry

But I am learning

I have come along way from realizing I shouldn’t hate to full on hoping they both die

To remembering who I am..

I am loved even if I married a man who doesn’t love me

If I’m neglected or abused

I am loved fearlessly wonderfully made and oh the places I will go

Charles was never the party nor was Kendra they were merely invited and I made them guests of honor

Guests of Honor no longer I am learning and growing as furious and fast as before without the concrete brick of a husband drowning me and the backstabbing blonde who I treasured as a friend

The scars of what they did are still there and the wounds are not fully healed but they are better and I’m so thankful for a patient loving God to show me the way.

I still miss the loving admiration I used to have for my husband and that still makes me sad however I cannot let those tears hold me back but I can also be sad for days on end and that’s okay

My grief doesn’t drown me anymore however learning to swim in the uncertain waves is still a struggle

To the husband I loved I believed in you and I wish there was someway to find you again but ashes to ashes dust to dust our marriage was traded for cheap fucks and lust

I know the affair wasn’t worth it and you say it just so

But I still have to bury you alive and not dead I need a husband like you like I need a hole in my head.

I

I waited for you..

Oh the FB memories

Anyways I’m sick and I’m sad

Well just getting over the sickness

Anyways memories popped up of me and the kids

The time I didn’t want to go with Charles out of town because I frankly did not like him or want him around

He was being such a dick and I was like I’m so happy your leaving

But he insisted we all go

So we went

And I spent a lot of time with our babies

Took them places even asked Kendra good spots to go but of course she was being an ass-hat too

But going to that place was fun. We all had a blast

I’m in a part of healing where not all my memories from his torrid affair ruin mine especially with the kids

I might have married such a fucked up human being and was friends with one but I am a damn flawed but loving Mom to my kids. And not that loving doting type but the hard worker he sacrificer the doer

I did with my kids all I could and tried and while I waited for my husband to come home from Iraq after deploying as our son was 4month old after waiting for his stupid ass to not be such a tool..

I’m sad I waited for him

I waited for him to come around time and time again until he just didn’t he died and never returned and I didn’t even get to say goodbye

Some would say he left willingly so he never died or the fantasy of an affair is so strong that he got lost

Well I’m here to say my sadness today stems from the I waited for him and he never gave a dam about that.

But alas now he says he’s the man for me and I’m his only one 😂😂😂

I shouldn’t laugh at his growth but it is comical to someone who always thought he was worth my time and honesty.

I’m glad he is kinder than what he used to be

Just sometimes I think he gives himself too much credit

Anyways today I did cry that I waited for him that grief comes in waves for me and I’m glad that I don’t ever make the decision to wait for him ever again.

Progress Chart

Charles disappointed me yesterday and I thought this really is it.

I am over this..

This is the moment that my therapist said would come.

And it wasn’t over something petty it was over him being rude and selfish concerning my 84 yr old father.

And I was done.:

However knowing a lot about myself I gave it time

I gave myself sometime to compose myself and talked to him

I have no idea what for it’s like talking to a wall. He asked me, my girls saw me crying today, and I told him all that was on my mind..

and you know what he said

Thanks for sharing

And that was it

Now I can’t be mad at the guy for not responding the way I want him to..

but what is the point? Why did I tell him anything? Why am I including him in my pain thinking the opposite will happen with him that we could talk it out perhaps I have no idea

Hello insanity table for 1

Oh you guys

I keep thinking I am responsible for my healing so what does my progress chart look like?

Still mourning

Bob said something to me in the very beginning of this about almost 5 years ago

He said he saw something that was relevant and said

You don’t get to punch me in the face and tell me when to stop bleeding

I Was catching up on my show of a million little things and oh the crying

If you haven’t seen the show it’s a tear jerker anyways on this past episode the friend looks at his best friends grave and says I never got to say goodbye so goodbye

And the show ends

But for me the thoughts are reeling..

Maybe thinking about my husbands death isn’t healthy I have no idea but to me you guys

The guy I loved?

The guy I couldn’t get enough of?

The guy who I thought was the most attractive guy in the world (yes there wasn’t another for me)?

He died the day he played footsie Dec 31, 2011

I didn’t know it and playing catch up even after 5 years still makes me sad. Saying goodbye to my husband the one I adored has been tough (yes even if I adored an asshole)

I also miss being pain free. Looking at him sometimes brings a pain still even 5 years later that I can’t always describe

This pain is ever evolving it would seem

Your blog comes to mind Krazykat of just be kind

Charles and Kendra never had to talk to me or be near me but they both chose to be

When the cards came crashing down Bob texted Charles to say stay the fuck away from his wife and day of reckoning was coming for me but did my coward husband do anything?

He just couldn’t be kind

But now oh you guys I’m married to the what would seem the kindest cheaterfucker ever

I want something it happens

It’s like I’m in American Beauty where the guy catches his wife cheating on him and he says you don’t ever get to tell me what to do again ever !!

You think that would appease the hurt, the heart but it doesn’t

😓😓😓😓😓