Bob and Kendra

It’s so strange both of them pop up in my head at the strangest of times

Bob more when I am healing and wanting to apologize and thank him. He never had to meet with me. He never had to talk with me and be the person who he was also going through the same thing but also going through it completely differently because we all handle betrayal so differently.

Kendra it’s at the weirdest of times. When I see stuffed shells and lasagna. When we moved to Alaska I found her stuffed shell recipe that she had hand written. Yes I tore it up and threw it away. I wish she was so easily forgotten. It’s always some random moment some thought and reminds me she’s still in my brain😒😒😒 still in my memories Havarti cheese, the mention of the words best friend, bundt recipes, throwing baby showers for friends, anything orange and chocolate

I remember when Bob asked if I could forgive her. At that time I wished Kendra and Charles death. I hoped both of them would die. I said no. I’m pretty sure I still haven’t but I try and focus on me. Focusing on forgiving them is of course for me but I just try not to think about it.

I am sorry though for the way I acted. My grief was so bad it spilled onto so many who did nothing to contribute to my pain My kids, Bob, my friends, myself

I lost my self worth and in return I did and said some vile things. I’m so sorry for wanting Kendra and Charles to die. Above all else they are parents and losing a parent is so hard at such young ages.

@crazykat thank you for your post I’m glad I’m not alone in my thoughts of anxiety and irrationality.

I get worked up at the strangest of times and it’s just strange

I wish there were better words but there isn’t

Reconciliation between Charles and I is I have to assume happening.

I still feel like I’m some sort of poster child for who not to marry.

Could I leave Charles and find some sort of mythical man or enjoy Dating again I’m sure I would find someone however with my 4 kids nope best person is Charles for my kids

They love their Dad, heck I’m finding out that I love him too.

And not in the lovey dovey happy to be married to him superficial nonsense

But in the more of I always saw what an amazing man Charles was until I wanted him to die. Even now I will help Charles with anything I can from kids to college homework.

That’s nutty gritty work love. Do I believe he’s capable of cherishing me? Honoring our covenant? Respecting me? Hell to the no but if he is putting on a show he’s certainly putting on a good one 🤔🤔🤔🤔😊😂

I am very content even nearing my 39th birthday❤️❤️ he’s thoughtful and kind and I’m being treated the best I have ever been over 17 years of marriage which is saddening and great all at the same time

Till next time ❤️❤️

Love

NH

Its been awhile

Tonight I have laryngitis

And I will be brief because I’m tired however I miss you all

I caught up on a few posts from Paula and CrazyKat who am I missing?

Things are going okay I guess

I still have moments where I want him to suffer and endure the same kind of hurt

But I wonder if he hasn’t already

Then I wonder why am I thinking such lame thoughts

Kind of like the meme about google satellite

“Google Satellite can let you see anywhere in the world from the comforts of your own home and what do you do google your house”

😂😂😂

The anger

So he got a new guitar

I don’t care

Really I don’t

But his smile

The giddiness of his presence

And I want to take these boxes and scream and yell and cry

I want to be with someone who loves me like that

Don’t laugh

Not like a guitar

Kendra may have gotten all the best pieces

Devotion

Trust

Excitement

And I want to riot

I want to take all of those guitar boxes and burn them and beat them with a bat in the dent yard

Where all the neighbors will think the SAHM has gone bonkers

Go inside nothing to see here folks

I’m so angry I want to bust all of his stupid guitars

With a bat

Like right now in front of him

I wish the war inside of me wasn’t so strong sometimes

I got the job for subs and it’s so sad how much they make

How little those to watch precious babies and teach amazing minds make even less

Okay off to finish making dinner

I have often heard that

We must forge on creating a new marriage between the both of us

I don’t know how to do that especially now right now when I want to take a bat to things

How I had to bring our kids to all his stupid gigs

How convenient I made his life

How I still rage inside

Fuck him

More importantly how to live through tonight

Fuck me

I always wanted him to love me as much as he loved his damn music

I begged so many times for his affection like a damn dog

🤦‍♀️ like 1,000 times over

I’m going to need help to get through tonight

In a mood

The ups and downs of attachment to him is

Odd. So is being a SAHM without a kiddo at home

I hope to get things together

Laundry on the floor

Feeling Thoughtful about so many things

Turned in my substitute app and now on to writing thank you cards and getting a resume together for the helicopter company position

I’m tired like depressed tired and like a functioning sad

Day 3 of being the SAHM with all of her kids in school

The first day was hard I cried and it was sad.

A friend brought me cookies and Charles sent me flowers

Like wow that was a shocker!

He did something to soften the blow of what is a hard time in my life

He was thoughtful

I started my period the day she left so I truly wonder how much I am being over the top

But whatevs

The second day I still missed her

Like I wondered what she was doing in the house she wasn’t in😂😂😂

Charles impressed me with the flowers

Now off to stretch and get ready for the week ❤️

And just like that Squish is 5 and going into kindergarten

Wasn’t I just bashing Charles after her first birthday for forcing her to eat cake drunk as a skunk?

I wanted to hit him so hard..

Not in front of the kids..

Ugh

Now I am torn

Tomorrow is a day of reckoning and peace

I am no longer a Mom of a small child or baby

No longer home-schooling

I am just plain ole me kind of dreading tomorrow morning

I’m going to miss her

And I treated her like a nuisance on some days

Where I just wanted my space and now she will be gone along with her brother and sisters

And you guys my heart hurts

And I think of all the times I didn’t play with them or did I love them enough?

And that awful R word comes in regret

You know that word I associate with marrying Charles 😂😂😂😂

I’m going to miss her..

I really am and thinking about missing her makes me miss all of them

And my heart is overwhelmed

Their chubby faces how I wasn’t the kindest Mom how I didn’t protect them and how I wanted to leave them

I really could use a partner right now

Someone who built this life with me and wasn’t a former backstabber

Anyways lunches have been packed and crockpot steel cut oats are simmering for morning

I’m not ready to say goodbye to bouncy houses and not having a little one at home

And yet I am all at the same time

Oh friends I didn’t plan on this hurting as much as it does

Now off to take a shower and close my eyes

Being afraid

I’ve always been terrified of making the wrong decisions.

I do not want that kind of pressure on me ever again.

I truly wonder if him and I can make this work.

He is so fragile and I so tough..

I am sad and lonely not a lot but a little

Keeping all the people in this house going well..

Things are going well..

I just miss being in love tonight..

One of these days

We were talking about sex and I’m finding the power of silence. I don’t have to say anything back if I don’t want to.

He mentioned he wanted to have sex with his wife and I said nothing

I’m super frisky I’m trying to use something other than horny if you have a better word for it let me in on it😂😂😂

But I don’t particularly want to have sex with him. He’s still a default.

I don’t think so awesome to have sex with him, or so lucky to have him..

My silence says so much now.

He knows and he should know

There are no secrets on my end

What I have said before still rings true and if it changes I would let him know

I still think about divorce on occasion and have to remember why I’m in this marriage more than I ever thought I would.

I still think of her always random things, cabins, pancake/waffle mix, when the word best friend pops up

I lost my husband, and he lost his wife

I have no intention of finding any way back to him he thinks it will happen

We both grieve and move on from that reality in such different ways.

Great thing is I hate them less and less as time goes on..

Which makes me happy and feel accomplished

There are not any words

After he apologizes

He feels differently about things I say

He cannot see things the way I see them

Yet here we are

In the shower today I was grieved

I miss the love I used to feel for him.

I missed my husband the imaginary one

And Kelly came to mind the imagery of her and the other Kelly’s burying the bag of affair done cancan and all

And I tried to visualize me being sad and putting flowers on the graves of my relationships lost

Charles and Kendra

I think it’s where I get caught up I think I buried things only to be teary eyed and sad due to something out of the blue

And I don’t know what to do with those emotions until now

I realize for me this grief will always be with me and I have to take care of it on my own with God. Because Charles is no help and blaming him or being angry doesn’t do any good

I think I knew that already just not how to apply when the sadness comes

When social media shows me so many quotes from friends “I’d pick you all over again”

I wouldn’t pick Charles nope not ever

But the pain of those words where my hopes for a loving spouse are dashed and I’m in the reality of being forced to grow on my own in my own family

My husband is not the rock he once was nor will he ever be.

He’s undependable shifty he may be dependable now but psssh hell if I’m betting on that one

I’m happy but sad..

It’s lonely here sometimes

I think I just need some more sleep and to dream dreams that don’t involve Charles

We’ve become an entity I never thought we would be for our family

I have to be strong and see this through..

He left today again for work and it’s heavy

I am tired of the way we live with so much stuff so I try and organize, try to clean up or put away but it seems like he wants to work against me every step of the way..:

Why does he do this?

What purpose does his things that are so unkempt do for him?

Doesn’t he want to not live in clutter?

I don’t know he hung up on me tonight and I sometimes forget how childish he is

How foolish he is

But he always seems to rear his ugly

And he forgets that he isn’t fooling me

I get it

It’s just a hang-up

Why be so bothered?

I mean he mentioned if he had his own room like I do then he would have room for his stuff

😂😂😂

He’s so delusional

I really wish he wasn’t

I do like him

I’m not in love with him and sometimes I feel as if Charles thinks I owe him

Like meals

Sex

To act a certain way for him because he works and I don’t

What a tool

And he will deny deny deny he has any ill will yet he would love to tell me how to live my day

I’m glad he’s gone..

Don’t have to deal with his stupidness for a month just my Dad’s

He’s been testy too

Anyways here’s to another month of doing what I do ❤️❤️