Day 5

His presence is missed.

I miss being hugged and made to laugh

He’s like my Screech and I’m Lisa

He’s gone and I’m missing a piece

Guess you are right T, but I’m on the monthly and sick so maybe that has lots to do with it?

He makes my life easier

He’s always making sure if I’m okay

And I wonder if that is the codependent in him needing to rescue someone

He wants me to come out there and I kind of want to and I kind of don’t

I do to get away for a bit

I don’t because Kansas City triggers me and I think it’s best

But I wonder if like one of my closest friends weddings I should have gone

I should have just packed up my things and gone

I was worried I wouldn’t come back, that I was being rational..

He says he wants to make new memories and well this would be new…

Sometimes at times like these at an impasse I want to go back to the way things were

Where when I was so in love with him decisions like this would be easy

But I have to smack myself out of it and remember

1. Going back is not an option

2. I’m glad I’m not back there

Ignorance is not bliss and I am SO much better off knowing the truth about him and discovering the truth about me

I was every bit of a weak coward as he was and she

I let myself be put down, I allowed mistreatment of myself, my family and blamed God. I wanted to die..

I no longer want to die or wish death upon either of them.

I have a fulfilling life.

I am loved and in that statement what my husband says about me is irrelevant or how he feels about me

I am finding love for me and I want to allow the God I know to mold me into figuring my life out😊

NH

Advertisements

Since you’ve been gone

So Charles is gone for like 30+ days

And it’s going well today was the first full day and besides the kids missing him.

I am fine

I miss his presence but right now he’s living in an apt, cooking his own food, and I’m here holding down the fort. The kids really miss him.

I’m doing okay with him not being around…

But it’s only day 1 😊

Time will tell

Anniversaries

Okay now I know my pals here will say

NH you don’t know what everyone else is facing

Oh but I want one! Not with Charles of course but one with a man

Who is faithful and won’t put me on the back burner

Charles will say he is all of those things now but uhhh are you?? Is he really

I am happy for my friends they look so happy touting the years gone by…

And just thinking about how long I’ve been with Charles 🤢🤢🤢

I mean I’m happy and content with my life

This marriage I wonder if it’s just a lesson learned

Sure we are beautiful together in our own right but uhhhh as for cherishing him, ever making him a plate? Nope none of that nonsense he’s on his own..

As am I

I do want to celebrate myself and how long I have chosen to stay married. How amazing my family is and how far I have come as a person.

Charles will be gone for 40+ days and I truly can just skip the anti-versary

I am looking forward to see what he does…

This marriage was a mistake

I still stick to that

My family, my boy, my girls

My cat, my dog

I love my kids if anything this situation with Charles solidifies that

And I love me.:

Acceptance

Soooo don’t fall out of your chairs or anything but I am wearing a ring…

I really shouldn’t set myself up for such trivial things like I will never statements like wear a ring again😂😂😂

Or I would never stay married to a cheater 😂

It’s nothing really the rings cost I got a pack at Walmart for $2.88 cents for like 5 I think

They are just plastic rings and will just get me used to the idea I guess. Of acceptance that I am married.

Happily married, excited to be married

😂😂😂 no but from the outside we put on a good show.

Because we are adults and we have 4 adorable, sweet children and we raise them together. I do like him I think. Being married to him was one of the worst decisions of my life and I look at kid pictures of myself and apologize for treating her like crap. I’m so sorry for not caring about me and falling for such a weak man. Allowing myself to make excuses for such a weak man.

Anyways he’s so much fun now that he got the chance to stomp on two families, two marriages, and me as a person.

Kind of strange how that works.. and how I am still in this writing that but I am here

Stronger, kinder, and I am working on knowing my worth. Being extremely happy with me and I hope to not ever settle to be in any sub-standard relationship again.

I also no longer wish death upon each of them. I do sometimes want to be able to watch terrible things happen to them. To see them suffer but as I grow I’m learning that wanting that for them does nothing for me.

Also to let them go.. they are not worth thinking about in such a manner because truthfully thinking that way shows no grace, mercy, or compassion.

Did they for me? No. For our families? No.

And no I don’t think I’m a bigger person or better. I am faithful something neither of them can ever be in their current marriages . But I have no reason to wish them ill. Why?

Because it’s over. My marriage to such a douche is over. Our friendship over.

In April it will have been 4 years since this all went down. I want to be able to walk well myself, know my self-worth and carry myself in a manner biblically for myself and children.

I can’t do that keeping bad blood because it poisons me. I know it does. I didn’t realize it then but I see now.

Lately I’ve been wanting to get away and take a breather from this life. For some reason I wanted to get away with Charles. But there is no way I’m letting that happen. I need to get away myself.

Funds are tight lately so not sure I can make that happen but we will see.

No Kansas trip this year.

In other news

I am watching my calories so we will see if my weight will go down like I want.

I am learning and focusing on the good in my life and me. I want to help others too.

Not sure how but for now I’m just taking things slow❤️❤️❤️

A Christian Marriage Conference

Soooo….

i wanted to go. I was going to go alone, but he chose to go with me.

It was boring.

I got to hash out a lot on paper

I Cannot believe being attractive to your mate is still ever a topic in any kind of marriage conference Christian based or not.

huge eye-roll

Why is this a topic ever?

Ugh so shaking that dirt off me there were some interesting aspects I found worth thinking about. I can’t remember them but it wasn’t a complete waste of time.

being married is hard

add adultery in the mix it is even harder for me to stomach

but he’s handsome, he’s kind, and I’m keeping my family together so there’s that

I sleep in the same bed

our relationship isn’t stronger or weaker it just exists

and with the man/boy and girls

existing and a nap is all this Momma needs ❤️❤️❤️❤️

 

 

 

 

 

The type of Me

Sometimes I look at Charles and think maybe?

Can I enjoy being in his company?

Could I love him again?

He’s still amazingly handsome.

And I find that finding myself is quite hard for me.

Understanding myself in ways of is because he’s handsome what does that say about me?

Do I want to fall in love again with him is that something I am interested in?

Before it came so easy

The infatuation the covenant I chose

Now not so much

Lately I have been visiting my past with him in my mind and rewriting it is hard

He was never the man I should have married

He never loved me

He was not the man I thought he was

He never believed in us and adored me as a wife.

He never was committed to our family

He was a disgrace of a husband and I a disgrace as a woman. I was disrespected and rejected and accepted that behavior. I allowed him to treat me in a manner I do not even tolerate from others. And her? She was a wolf in sheeps clothing and she gave me the attention I desired because I had such a sad marriage.

And while that hurts accepting it the hurt doesn’t take my breathe away like it once did.

And realizing the sadness of a woman I once was and why I did what I did

Why I thought his love was love Why I thought she was a friend

Also giving myself grace for me as a young woman and not seeing my younger version as a disgrace.

For looking at me and forgiving myself

For reconciling with myself and God 😊❤️

Finding me has been so hard but rewarding…

I suppose just being on the journey to realize the daughter of the king I am…

This little light of mine

While driving in alongside the Channel the beauty was mesmerizing. I thought I took pictures but I didn’t.

Anyways while coming home from the car repair shop I was thinking how much I have changed.

The revenge I sought for Charles hurting me. The want for him to hurt too.

What a crazy vicious cycle.

Anyways I thought as I got to have no choice in having an adulterer for a husband. Charles has no choice to the person I have become. He has no choice in the wife he will get ever anymore. Just like he broke his covenant with me, the collateral damage of the affair (too many to name) I have moved on from him.

Yes I’m still married to him

But he doesn’t have a hold on me like he used to. He isn’t that big of a deal anymore. I used to be all google eyed and starry thinking about him. I rarely think about him.

I do pray for him and want good things for him but he isn’t the big act he once was.

I doubt he will ever be.

Anyways just me rambling on time to get some shut eye

Until next time

NH

Hey Jealousy

Sometimes I beat you..

sometimes you don’t get to me at all

this unromantic life, this lackluster marriage

I don’t think of you at all.::

I’m busy.. dress shop, magnets, cooking utensils, kids

But sometimes I catch a glimpse, a glimpse of the romance in other couples lives and I want that

I want to be madly in love again but maybe that was the problem I shouldn’t be madly in love with anyone unless it’s myself

Or God…

I miss having a partner

I think sometimes I miss being one

Jealousy you got the best of me tonight

Here’s to tomorrow

May I close my eyes and start the new day

The things we do..

We started a small group for church and all had a blast.

I made sooo much food.

I hope it was good my taste buds are changing and I don’t seem to enjoy the same things I used to before.

Charles and I cleaned the whole house top to bottom.

The house looks so nice!

We did a great job. I even burnt my thumb pretty bad and Charles cleaned the kitchen so nicely..

Anyways today was a good day.

While putting Charles’s laundry away I caught one of his top drawers open and saw my hand writing. He had stashed away my postcards I wrote to him in Iraq. He also hid all my letters as well. I wrote to him almost everyday.

I remember burning cards in my lovely BBQ, I remember ripping up our wedding cards and then feeling regret not too long ago that I threw them away. Rizzo said for me to tape them up and keep them. I had them in a trash bag at my old house in KS and was like not taping these up. I threw them in the trash.

So Charles hides those things because he knows I will burn them. Ashes to ashes. Fuck him and our history.

I would burn it all but he hid those memories for some reason they are special to him.

I’m sure all of you know this by now but I get so angry with the mentality of this former cheater I am married to.

Why are all of a sudden or even back then special things about me, us, our history special to him? It’s so boggles my loyal brain and makes me rage just trying to understand the stupidity of that all.

Anyways so I look at those cards, read the words, put them back in the drawer and politely say fuck you Charles and move on about my day.

That man I wrote to was a douche and this guy I’m with now.. he’s pretty cool I guess. Besides being a former slut.

Today as we were working my mind wandered and he did something and I wanted to say something hurtful to him, to remind him of his bad decisions.

But I didn’t and thought why am I being an asshat? I do not need to bring up  his previous sins.. focus on the now and don’t be mean NH.

Charles has been unbelievably nice, kind, and a good provider.

He even built this humidity sensor for our roof and has it connected to his phone. Seriously the tech-girl inside of me was like that is SOOO COOOL!

Anyways today was a good day.. the reminders become less and less about my loss.. the grief comes in waves always. I wonder if that is apart of acceptance learning that I will always grieve what happened. I accept I will always grieve losing my husband, the man I believed in, and thinking I had a partner who was honest and would be honest with me.

That is a harsh reality a nice reality is how my thoughts and reminders of Kendra are so far removed. I don’t think about her for sales, for recipes, or even remembering motherhood with her anymore which is nice.

Alright time to get to bed..

Love you all

NH

Christmas

I used to pine over gifts for him.

I did not do that this year and feel no guilt in what I gave him.

I thought it was cool.

It was a magnetic flashlight with a hook

I got a diamond bracelet and lip sense! I love me some lip sense nowadays!

Christmas felt so weird

So fast

And yet it’s the same

Charles and I argued over gift giving for the kids

We made it work

We bought presents for a family who is having a hard time but I feel like we will do things different next year

My Dad made steak it was delicious

I wonder if its the note I found behind my kids picture that was the last bit of memory left of what my marriage was

It was going to visit Kendra for Jessie’s Birthday with my kids but feeling bad for leaving husband I made him a scavenger hunt

That was my warped reality but it really was me visiting his mistress’s house and his mistress being such a sucky hostess to me.

So the note behind the picture just put me for a spin

I found it because the picture of our adorable middles who were 2 and under 1 at the time the frame had dropped on the floor.

And putting the frame together revealed the note

Ahh I was pretty upset

Why because fuck him! I still get pretty pissed at the both of us

I hate remembering how I loved him and how he meant the world to me.

I hate remembering how hard I worked to look inside our marriage while he did not care what I did with his mistress. But oh he sure played the part of victim husband!

Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit

Anyways he’s on this Keto diet and he’s cooking so that is GREAT

Seriously I love it.

T you asked me about focusing on what me and Charles have now.

To focus on that.. it’s been interesting reading your take on matters and mine😊 So Happy for you and baby❤️❤️❤️ and your relationship with the hubs

Mine is still so conditional but on my terms

Charles is handsome, kind, a good Dad but doesn’t make my heart skip a beat he’s just a male

I enjoy his companionship in areas of our kids, our church

But I’m not in love with him right now at least and I know that fluctuates with me.

Which means the love I have for him is conditional. Not real lasting love

There are no better offers on the table😂😂😂

So I choose to stay

I’m thankful for my family

For a husband who claims he isn’t a coward anymore and no longer will put our family in jeopardy for his selfish needs.

For his involvement with the kids.

For my love for my Savior Jesus Christ

For learning about myself and finding me…

Merry Christmas everyone and here’s to 2018