I forget and then I don’t

Sometimes I forget I was raised in trauma and sometimes I don’t

I forget the alcoholic raged fights and the toxic relationship and see my parents as grandparents but they always come out their crazy and seem to not mind complicating my life

I forget I think I am loved by my family

They do not love me they don’t love themselves it’s sad but I remember being there

I remember dealing with the marriage struggles the self worth problems

Never again I say to myself and then I find myself in the again.

I forget my husband cheated on me on occasion and I forget Kendra and then I don’t.

I miss having a man in my life I could trust who I believed loved me. However I forget the catch 22 of that story and then I don’t. For me to see his love was to make excuses for a man that didn’t exist

To see that man and not see myself because of the torment of my past

I forget and then I don’t I don’t miss the blind girl who made more excuses for others and never gave herself any grace. However I think about hugging her and crying to her I’m sorry I wish I could change things but I can’t

I’m hopeful when I forget and sad when I don’t

I’ve got to figure out how to do both… there is hope amongst the sadness.. I’m just not there yet and that’s okay ❤️❤️💯💯

April

I think my body just freezes during this time. Like Good Friday was the day of butt touching and me thinking maybe if we hadn’t gone to the party Kendra’s family and mine would be back to normal.

I was so gaslighted… the guilt… the betrayal and deceit

I saw some words that gave me exactly how I feel

Trauma reprograms your brain but so does healing from the trauma

I am healing in my own way I’ve been thinking of divorce lately

Don’t have the time with my Dads cancer and my Father in laws situation but it’s been on my mind

Especially when I saw a Tik Tok and it was about how we don’t get to choose how someone loves us we get to choose to participate in how someone loves us. For example there are so many ways I don’t want to participate in how Charles loves me but there are some ways that I do want to.

April is hard for me even when I don’t think about it. Maybe one day I will be free of all of this.

Also thank you Paula thank you for still blogging and thank you for not letting me feel so alone ❤️❤️💯💯

All the things

Sooo my FIL is in the hospital now and my Dad went to the ER and was diagnosed with an infection and discharged.

We are planning to leave AK

I’m not sure how I feel about it but my kids are broken hearted and I was not planning on going back to KS or to the very place that Charles met Kendra to have their all night romp..

Ugh I truly despise those two.. anyways just an update. I wish I felt close to my husband at times like these. That I felt we can be each other’s support system. But we can’t. I don’t trust him and him I’m not sure anything about. I mean so what about all the words out of his mouth? I doubt I will ever believe him… so that’s the plan

Hoping to be out of AK by Oct so that will be nice..

I think anyway so we can have better health care for both Dads

Foot massages

I do my own now and I’m learning to be okay with it and to make it my own time. The husband is not a massager and it’s disappointing because I am. My girls love massage.

I think after betrayal for me when the blinders come off and I was like this mother fucker 😳😳😳 I realized how little I settled for… sometimes I still feel like I’m settling… but In a more Forrest for the trees type of way.

Sometimes I wonder if staying with Charles and not having this family together just continues to fuel the cycle of how little men can do. Charles is full of that he’s learning now but good grief.. what I settled for so disappointing much more than that of staying with a husband who is not a massager but constantly would like one

Not my Valentine

There were times I would be bitter since finding out my husband never loved me on this day and many others

But I’m Better now I can read all the Valentine’s stories on FB and not be sad for me. I’m happy that their love exists no matter what has happened in their marriage they are proud of their love for their partner and shout it and tell it. I think that’s cool and a wonderful measurement of a little growth on my part 😊😊😊

I don’t have that but like I’ve said before that is a fun part of my life I no longer partake in. I would’ve have liked that. I would have loved to be the chosen the forever.. I still think of my next partner what they will be like if I ever get the chance. Would I even want one anyway?? Life is short and my Dad’s experience right now makes me sad and happy for all the things especially the present.

I am happy and I have become a woman I never thought I would be. I am the one who is fine without her husband and has no desire to spend every waking minute with him. Date nights are not a priority and to be real they never were in my marriage before. Because I married a douche canoe 🤣🤣🤣

I think that label is so funny because what is that? What I do desire is him cleaning our home and making dinners. Him helping remodel our home the both of us working together and hopefully we will be saying goodbye to Alaska and moving somewhere else.

Because we are tired of it here. It’s pretty but just difficult to do the things we like to do and hiking and camping just isn’t us 🤣🤣🤣

Plus medical care.. and my Dad but only time will tell. I foresee us staying a few more years 2-5 get our home in order while looking for more opportunities.

I am happy not in love but happy and that’s the best I got right now. Happy V day to all of us ❤️❤️ no matter what is happening or happened you matter, loved, and I hope today is a great day for you ❤️❤️

Seattle

The sun is shining

I haven’t seen that 2days in a row for a LONG time. Today is the day of Dad’s first oncology appointment.

I ordered him Kentucky fried chicken and hopefully he will enjoy that before his appt. because it may be awhile before he eats again due to appts

I really wish I didn’t have to remind myself to be strong to be courageous to look at myself in the mirror and smile knowing I’m doing the best I can at the moment

My Dad

He helped me do the dishes when Charles couldn’t be bothered to help at all

Before affair during affair and after

Not almost 7 years after but I’m just now getting breakfast made for me and how busted is your girl when I feel guilty?

I have to fight feeling guilty because he’s doing things for me now it’s so strange though

Anyways my Dad’s sick they think it might be cancer in multiple places

I may need to send him to my family in Washington but we are still doing tests

I want to say I’m doing okay but I’m not I’m pretty sad I don’t want to be sad.. but it’s strange I cry a lot lately if anything happens to my Dad I sure will miss him

When I kiss him

It never feels like it used to.

I remember never being able to get enough of him.

And then so many things came crashing down

Recently I wanted to make out because I just ate a whole bunch of vanilla ice cream and I could taste it so well in my mouth I wondered if he could taste it too. He couldn’t

We barely make out anymore not complaining just a fact but kissing him is so different. It’s not the same and at first reaction it makes me sad. But after awhile thinking about it as with our whole relationship I’m not sure how I exactly feel about it. I know it’s not the same.

I don’t kiss him like I never want to let go.

I remember that feeling about being so enamored with Charles. So eager to spend time with him, so eager to beg him for crumbs

It’s so strange because now I have to figure out what happened? At first I think it was me I lost myself became a pathetic excuse of a woman thinking I loved a man who clearly never loved me is that why I felt that way? Is that why I relished every moment? Was so obsessed with him? Felt so much comfort in his critical bullshit that’s the only way I feel connected to someone?

And knowing that and changing my thoughts and actions in this marriage I am kind of blown away that I don’t know how to feel about it all

I do know that it’s different. And at first I want to say I wish it wasn’t but I would have rather known. I would rather known why I became so obsessed with a handsome alcoholic. That he never loved me. It’s a shame how it came out but I would rather know. Even if it’s different.

Pain shopping

Sometimes I kiss him and I will think this person treated me like trash.. just pretend it didn’t happen and be in the moment

I miss the person who treated me like trash, yes after 6 years I still miss what garbage relationship.

I miss being comfortable and feeling like my husband and I are able to conquer anything. We co-parent and age together but are we growing together or apart? It’s neutral… that makes me sad

I still look up Kendra’s face and it makes me sad

Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m thankful for so much

We recently got an espresso machine and I love it!!

I’m sad that I pain shop but looking forward to a 3 day week and making pumpkin pies tomorrow ❤️❤️

Time to just put that pain shopping behind me and start Christmas shopping because I’m soooo not feeling it this year

18

Right now is son’s 18th

He is so angsty and like any guilt ridden trauma adult I take it personally

I know a lot had to do with us..

He doesn’t have any friends like a friend group he never has. He had one constant kiddo in his life which was Kendra’s kid and well after everything he never saw his pal again even if they were growing apart

Then we moved to AK now as he ages out of Scouts tomorrow it would have been his last meeting but due to COVID and our level being high right now. Meeting is cancelled and so are most restaurants.

I want to celebrate him even if goodness the boy can push all the right buttons. We voted yesterday and it was his first time. The girls want to celebrate him as well however he really doesn’t want to do anything.

I don’t like missing my kids when they were small because it just makes me feel sad. And they are here just in another form. I must be present however I miss when I could cuddle him and our relationship seemed simple. Now it’s complicated and I don’t know how to reach my kiddo.

He’s a good kid don’t get me wrong but we have our struggles. I just want to see him smile more enjoy life more and not be so riddled down with things that don’t matter. Well to me they don’t matter.

I also in a strange state of affairs (ugh bad choice of words but I’m too lazy to go back) I am sad and happy. These kids of mine getting older is bittersweet! Our first born is 18 😳😳 I remember bringing him home he was so tiny.

And with the bitter I look at Charles and get mad at the choices he made and then the choices I made. Could I have been a bigger person and let our boys continue to be friends? Couldn’t I have been stronger for my kids? All of my crazy affected them and for that I am sorry, but I want to blame Charles for the pain I caused our babies..

I want to let him know what a fuck up he is and how I don’t appreciate his choices!! But alas what does that do for anyone??

I’m just a Momma navigating this thing in what I feel is alone but I’m not… alright off to bed tomorrow is a new day and I will smile and enjoy the day

Remember remember the 5th of November

Happy Birthday son I love you so much