Being honest

I think conversation is much more raw now than ever 

I don’t see Charles with rose colored glasses 

And as my lenses clear I’m left to look at a woman who is sad, but who is also happy 

One who wants to be healthier not just in lbs but in mind 

We talked about so many topics today without it ending in screams 

The affair, before affair, my mental state now, how I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like for me, how I fear ending up in a relationship for 16 more years thinking all is well when it isn’t.

What my relationship was prior to affair was unhealthy 

I didn’t know any better 

And that makes me sad 

How did I not see the emotional abuse

And reconcilling that factor is so much more pressing to me than Any reconciliation with Charles 

Sometimes I miss the days of rose glasses 

But I suppose I just miss different shades of those lenses 

You know what I’m not missing though myself.. I deal with me so much more than I ever wanted now and it’s refreshing…

The other half of my soul..

I don’t have one..

I recently was with a beautiful woman who I cherish with 5 blessings all her own.

She is a blessing to me oh how I enjoy her.

What I have to say I don’t enjoy is her take on marriage for me sometimes.

She suggests a renewing of vows.. her husband did it secretly for her set up a vow renewal

How precious it is..

It’s her anniversary and I am so overjoyed for them..

But she just would not let up about the vow renewal once it got brought on..

I hope my face didn’t show.. the disappointment I have as a marriage..

I didn’t want to burst her bubble..

But as she celebrates the other half of her soul..

I start to focus on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

No I do not have a marriage I am proud of or even want to continue because of so many reasons personally..

I’m selfish, I’m shallow, I’m self-centered and feel I’m too broken to be in any kind of romantic relationship..

But here I am..

There are no time-outs with a family who needs you..

I’m glad there aren’t anyway..

Please Lord let me focus on what I have now..

That’s all that matters..

Even though I still cry over spilt milk at times.. what I have right now..

A full tummy on a great lunch..

Smiles, a little bit of sunshine, a cushy bed to lay my head..

3 beautiful girls watching me constantly..

The boy is camping and I will see him tomorrow..

Here’s to a full day..

Love you all

NH

A loss

I have a hard time with the loss of my husband the guy I knew.

That pain still is quite fierce and I’m working through that with the therapist.

I really wish I had closure 

That I could talk it over with my husband and say goodbye 

He would say it isn’t working Nia and I want to sext Kendra and pursue Kendra as a love Interest.

And I would say wow thanks for being honest and not being a deadbeat cheater

And I would say how unfortunate you feel that way and are tossing our marriage aside for trash but okay.

Goodbye.: I will miss us, but this is for the best because you are more of a jerk than I thought you were 

And I would have hugged him and let him walk out on our life 

I would have called Bob too. 

And that would have been that

I could have said goodbye 

I could have seen the man I believed I married and said goodbye 

I wish for the strangest things…

Maybe I just want control anyway I’m reading this book now. The therapist gave it to me. It’s pretty good so far 

And I’m learning about addictive relationships as well 

Which was mindblowing 

It’s my 3 year anniversary on WordPress

Oh May is just a month for me to remember so many things.

Last night found out boy has been lying pretty extensively about his schoolwork 

For months

He didn’t fail but I’m so pissed still 

I know he’s my teenage boy he will lie

But I’d be lying if this doesn’t trigger me

I wish I could co-parent with someone who wasn’t an adulterer 

Because in my mind it kind of disqualifies him from walking alongside me as I work with boy or even discussing this with him 

Why does it disqualify him? Because a part of me feels he can’t understand my anger, hurt, or pain being lied to and deceived 

I mean maybe he knows because of how Kendra threw him under the bus with all her lies 

But seriously as much as he deserves it I don’t feel his crappy life choices with her are some sort of life lesson for him.

God forgave him in his mind and he’s just trying to be a better man 

Good for him I guess 

I don’t know if he understands the pain of being deceived 

Which is how I come to still fantasize on leaving his behind when he least expects it

Another anniversary down

Because anti-versary is just too hard to spell

And I am married 

I have been for 16 years 

Am I super happy it’s with him 

Nope 

I know I know my dreams and expectations don’t die easy

Finding new ones, accepting the death, and carrying on many of you know it’s not what comes easy to me 

It’s his birthday today and I’m making a pie and a casserole 

I remember how I used to dote over him and lavish him with presents

Now I really don’t put that much effort out 

I try to be as kind As I can 

I am learning to celebrate my own anniversary 

The one where I am faithful and I worked hard for my family because I love my family 

Not because I have a spouse who will share the dream of this family and be someone I will grow old with 

I celebrate my victory

Not ours 

I’m sure I will celebrate an ours when our boy graduates high school 

Maybe one day I will celebrate an ours or respect him like I did

Counseling has had me going over relationships 

Basic things 

I doubt I will ever feel a huge amount of respect for him again but I am open to it 

I doubt his dreams will be a priority 

But I’m so happy mine are for me.

16 years ago I got hitched and why May?? Dammit everyone gets married in May

Yup 3 years after affair and 3 certain days to not lose my ever loving mind every anti-versary I have just wanted to leave him on a whim 

Because emotions got the best of me.

I wish I could forget marriage anniversarys didn’t exist at all but that would mean forgoing the sweetest couples I know who are married. 

And I shared a hitched date with two sweet friends 

Ugh Facebook plagues me and blesses me at the same time!

Sometimes I think about it and it just gets me! 

Boy gets back tomorrow from camping so it will be a great day to see him.

I love that kid so much! 

NH’s Situation regarding limbo

I’m not in limbo some may think so, but what’s that song 

Should I stay or should I go??

I don’t have that..

That is not a question I struggle with on a daily basis

Sometimes I wonder why am I here?   Or what am I doing here? 

But that usually dissipates quickly as our children look for their father. Or I see how happy my family is.

Dang do I love this family.

I think what gets me is am I with someone who will harm me?

Am I still blinded and making excuses for my children’s father? 

Am I blinded to being mistreated?

Majority of times I am with him I would like to say no but it’s the fact that I doubt his intentions with me and with this family.

I also doubt my ability to recognize his intentions and how I’m being treated. 

Which puts me in a stage of anger however I think it’s fear. I fear being so stupid again. I fear being mistreated and I won’t notice. I fear that I am making excuses because I am too unhealthy to see reality. 

Because really Charles wasn’t a physically abusive absent father or a terrible provider 

He was emotionally absent as a husband. A critical terrible friend as a husband and a complete jerk when it comes to relationships marital or for the rest of the world. He would rather save himself, fluff his ego while putting down mine. 

And looking back I’m like what the fuck NH??!

How why?

The doubt in myself and him. Mostly myself. 

Maybe I shouldn’t doubt and just take everything that I feel about him at face value. And all the things that come out of his mouth. 

But I don’t for some reason.. it’s like I just can’t like I would be doing myself an injustice to believe he couldn’t be some snake playing games with me and my family. I would be doing myself an injustice to go off of what I feel because hell isnt that what got me to this place? 

So this is what the counseling is for 

To handle my fear, to manage my fears not just about Charles but about me and how hard I am on myself. 

Sometimes I still am angry I did not protect myself from Charles a long time ago. 

I’m so mad at myself for trying to love such a foolish cold hearted man a man who clearly has Momma and abandonment issues. But at the time I deemed him stronger than me, smarter than me, so much more amazing than me that he was above such nonsense and was wise because he spoke less and thought more. 

I made up the part of him thinking more he just spoke less 

That was my imagination filling in the gaping holes of his personality 

For a long time I fancied Charles to be so disillusioned with his affair and how he found himself there, however I am seeing how I was just as much to fall for him and become mistreated 

We almost seem like a perfect pair looking at it from that angle 

Till next time 

❤NH

Back to counseling I go

Yeah, Charles and I talked last night 

I told him all I have told you the past weeks and well cheers to him he wasn’t defensive and was open at letting me process all my thoughts. 

He was happy I was talking to him 

Really if I wasn’t married to an adulterer I would claim I have found the one I could grow old with. 

I asked him are you truly willing to wait for me? I mean it could take me 20 years to figure out if I am committed to you. Are you seriously willing to wait for that? 

He said I’m still here 

And then I asked him if he thinks it’s humorous what he did to me. Does he enjoy stringing me along? And then be like Sike!! (Yes I still use that term on occasion) 

Example why let your affair partner watch your kids while you go to marriage counseling with your wife? 

I wanted to know does he find pleasure in fooling me on purpose?

He denied being that person 

He says he understands why I would see things that way but that is not how he saw it at the time

Is this one big scam???

So I can fall for him again and then be like some Prince Hans out of Frozen.

Also I’ve been seeing the doc once a month to change eating habits am told him about my stress levels as a child and now. I told him about affair and nearly broke down crying. Not to blame Charles but it is a factor in my life now. I really thought I was over crying telling people. I’m not I guess.

Surprised I could get into a counselor tomorrow that my doc recommended.

So there you have it I’m acknowledging I’m struggling, I want to figure out my binge eating and manage my emotions when it comes to my marriage and myself 

Love 

-NH

I will graduate in 7 years?!! And there’s so much more to life than being in love with your spouse

Seven years at 1 class a semester 

Dang!!

Little disappointed to say the least but it is all mapped out 

So there’s that..

Also Charles is so insistent on asking how my day went.

Patient, thankful, kind 

Am I being those things?

Not really

I remember how judgemental I was to women who were not completely head over heels with their husband 

I mean why stay? 

Now I know 

Ahhh if being in love with your spouse was all it took to run a family 

I thought that was worth staying 

Nope seeing how happy my family is together 

How my son gets very quiet when the word divorce is heard on TV.

He remembers when his family was almost split apart 

I am finding there is so much more to life than being married than being in love with your spouse. 

I am figuring out how to find love for myself and figure out my daydreams 

How I run this family.

How I will gather our children every year as they age because good grief each one comes with their own thoughts and personalities.

Soon I will be explaining periods to my oldest daughter who is 8. Been talking about sex, drugs, parties, and situations with the boy. Squish will be entering Kindergarten next year.

Marc texted me and asked me about Charles and I. I remember being so smug talking about Charles and telling him I still haven’t figured things out. He said you sure are taking your time. And I said I will take as long as I want 20 years if need be! 

I wonder if Charles is willing to wait that long or if he’s just like me when it comes to our situation financially it’s nice what we have. And our kids are happy. 

And most of the time we are living at peace with one another 

Sooo majority over minority 

I miss the sparkle I used to have for him. However finding the sparkle for me is so much better but harder, more work 

Which is difficult for me but beautiful in a way I never would imagined 

Good night -NH

Downfalls of the crazy

My crazy 

It’s a little foolish 

But you know all the awesome FB posts where the husbands say my wife is such an awesome mother to our kids 

Yeah I don’t get that, but that’s all me because I don’t want him tagging  me on FB posts we don’t have that kind of relationship 

But I’m angry 😡 about something I told him not to do

Crazy 

And then he runs 13 miles in a 1/2 marathon and I encourage him and follow him but at the end I’m like this mother fucker can do this but can’t not be a slut adulterer!!

Couldn’t work hard to be a loyal partner but worked so hard to delete their conversations everyday 

Fucker..

But is he a backstabber now? 3 years ago I found out my husband is a fraud and now he claims he is no longer 

The strength to move on and am I going to? 

I’m angry tonight and I’ve been for a little while and even though I have been keeping it to myself my family is quickly falling apart…

Slowly..

I miss the days where I thought I had anything with my husband 

I also do no miss being treated so poorly

Today has been great with the constantly checking on me and seeing if I need anything…

Charles really has been gracious and nice

And I’m the one with the big problem 

NH out 

-feeling Frustrated