My Dad died

On a random Tues

Viewing was held and I found him.

Terrible thing is we weren’t getting along before he passed

I should have seen that as a sign maybe he wasn’t doing too well

I had been stressed in school and I always felt like I was failing him

Caregiving isn’t my strongest trait

I miss him so much I want to go with him..

This life has been hard and then this marriage but oh my babies how I love them

Charles and I got into it once again. He continues to just be a partner who says things but does not back up what they say.. actions are so much more to me and I told him my plan of my 10 yr divorce

Suppose that is a long time but you know I can’t just blow up my life because I am not in love with Charles and he continues to show his ass

Also to note he has told me he’s not in love with me either so it’s a mutual thing

But 10 years the children will be out of school because in the US it does matter where your kiddos go to school and districts and so forth

Resumes are hopefully going to be done tonight because you know a job will get me started towards financial independence and move the career ladder.

I miss my Dad so much.. I didn’t think I would but I do..

88 years old I truly thought he would make 100

I always thought that if I left Charles my Dad would be around I regret not leaving him in 2005 but I don’t regret these babies

Gosh I love them and can you believe Squish is 9?

My youngest almost double digits??

10 yrs will go by so fast.

It’s been almost 10 yrs before the year of DDay in 2014 and it does and doesn’t feel that long ago

Also Bob if you still read this the boy has been bringing up your kiddo and it still breaks my heart what our ridiculous spouses took from our kids

Happy Holidays everyone ❤️💯

Back in School

Well both of us are again

Crazy we both are studying Information Tech

He’s going to be gone for 3 weeks

And I’m not sad just trying to get our family organized to survive without him

Looking into a facility for my Dad I just need to live my own life and he his

He’s not my responsibility and he can find his own way with a little help

Just figuring out where to put him

Pretty sure in WA might be his best bet or maybe here I’m not sure

But next year I graduate and I am currently looking for a job in cybersecurity

And I have to swim and not have him weighing me down the kids are a lot as is and I have to become financially independent. Currently in therapy to figure out boundaries with Charles and if a marriage out of convenience is something I’m willing to continue to do while I get back on my feet

School has been neat to work with others and look into a plan for my life. Charles still had many excuses but the man is depressed and truly isn’t willing to work on our relationship the way I think we need to. But who’s right or wrong in that aspect? Hopefully therapy will help me make sure not if I’m making the right decision because right now the plan is to leave him.

But I’m not interested in changing lifestyles until I can afford to help and I would like Charles and I to pay off our debt together and make a good split if we do. And my resentments towards him I just want to air out because he doesn’t hear me at least I don’t think he does.

Anyways things are okay. I’m excited to take on a new career and help the kiddos find their way in life as well

Found a therapist that seems will work out so excited about that and I’m looking forward to moving my Dad out and finding my piece while Charles is gone

Bombed my coding interview and Our stories are similar

Yup it was more logistics and I didn’t prepare in their certain way but this doesn’t mean I don’t know how to code.

Which was what the interviewer thought and that was very discouraging.. it was just many things went wrong in that interview I didn’t prep on the site I was supposed to prep in, I couldn’t use the solution I created it was not what I had envisioned. But I cried and moved on.. I may get a second chance. Who knows it did devastate me but I live on to create another day that I love.

I’m back in therapy again. I just can’t stand Charles again.. also my new therapist is an old man.. why would I do that to myself well that was the first available appt and I was a mess

He wasn’t terrible but I’m not sure he was what I’m looking for.. anyways I was listening to affair podcasts awhile back ago and the thought just bothers me that this couple who claim they are great now and talk about affairs and help others they say..

And one of the things they wanted betrayed to come to terms or acknowledge is that our stories are similar not many deviate and that there should be some comfort in that. Our spouses activities are not unique.

But I don’t find comfort in it and I don’t think our stories should feel so lumped together

I think it is just a way to dismiss our stories and that does not sit right with me

Because while their activities are completely unoriginal our stories are not, neither is our pain, how we handled the trauma and how we carried it and continue to carry it. No matter what that looks like for all of us.

Happiest of Weds

NH

The April hit…

This day 10yrs ago Charles tells me he touched Kendra..

I wouldn’t have known that but my body does.. leading up to April.. I don’t know exact dates sometimes FB helps me but I’m learning I just start to feel off..

I wrote this to Charles recently because I am reading the New Monogamy redefining your relationship after infidelity and I’m going through the book anyways. He didn’t correct me and agreed. I absolutely hate I was just a toy.. for years.. fuck him.. today is a fuck him today..

Also about the book there are many things I disagree with.. but I’m giving it a bit of benefit and finish it to give my legit opinion.

Still haven’t heard back from the the dev academy but I know it can take some time I wonder if I will be petty see our kids through high school and just one day pack up and leave..

Just on a whim.. just one random day.. I will have divorce papers on the bed. All my stuff gone and hopefully the house will be paid off and I’ll find myself a new place on my own. Without him.. I wonder if he knows I wonder if he still reads this..

April hits hard you guys so hard for me..

Coding application turned in

Yup so now it’s a waiting game I’m still going to continue to learn to code and gain more certifications as I can because I may not get in.:

Lately I’ve felt empowered like I really think Charles understands that my love for my family held me back from leaving his ass behind financially and emotionally

And now the kiddos are older and they need us so much more in many new ways but it’s not like they are tied to the breast anymore or I’m homeschooling them.

He’s been cleaning more and doing things without being prompted.. it’s so fucking nice..

I wonder when I start my new career in tech will I find someone more compatible. I wonder if I will leave Charles once I’m financially independent. I wonder if he ever thought his fucked up control over me and the kids the tyranny would end??

It’s crazy marrying a complete emotional dunce because he doesn’t remember a lot about our history.. just of course he was unhappy and had an affair

But even before what I complete douche canoe he was. I’m glad I have psycho parents because I’m used to abusers forgetting..

It’s like their MO

Bonkers

But I’m pressing on.. I think Charles is learning a lot about himself because he has a lot of alone and down time because I have no interest in spending time with him

I’m either busy coding getting my house to a livable condition Squish still loves the floor but she needs a foundation

Decision end will be June 15 but we will have a coding technical review as well.

I’m excited but also just trying to hype myself up…even if I don’t get in I did it.. I applied to change my life.. I’m applying myself to do things I would never do.. and once I get a job that makes more than Charles I will be golden!! Because I hope he understands and remembers

I don’t need him

I don’t need his trauma

I don’t need him weighing me down

And I’ll be damned if I get ever let that shit happen to me again and I will always make a space for my kids because people are soooo fucked in the head that they will always have a space to escape to or come home no matter the situation

I never had that.. and I think it’s what led me to believe I was building a family with Charles no matter the asshattery

❤️💯

Survived

Ugh lately been feeling so anxious and angry.. been getting my application done for my web developing academy and I just feel like I absolutely hate Charles the most right now… he’s doing not too much to upset me and he even bough me a couple of cakes yesterday.

My friend and I have read it on here there’s this thing where trauma hits you the same time for past events and I’m really noticing it right now… this is the time coming soon Good Friday and around the same time 2 years later when I found out..

I read up about triggers during certain times of the year and it says it’s important to be patient and kind to yourself. Find ways to relax yourself and celebrate how far you’ve come.

I am in the city my husband drove from OKC to sleep with his lover in Wichita. He’s now planning his trip to OKC and we are not going. I absolutely wish he was gone for awhile.. ugh I hate this mood..

I am going to focus on the next best step for myself get my house cleaned up send my kids softball form out, work on my essays for my application, and chill out.. Even if I feel like hating him I don’t need to. I just need to lay low..

Be happy for me I’m alive but have so much working against me my teens preteen all of issues and my Dad is and 87 yr old man who thinks too much of himself 🤣🤣

But I have so much working for me. I love my life I’m breathing able to pursue a new career path and rock it, healthy and able to make a better day and life for myself

Here’s to the day and me not just surviving but thriving in the months of March April May ❤️❤️💯💯

All types of love

Sometimes I wonder that the love that I have for the ones I love maybe isn’t love at all?

What made me see the love that I have as being right? For example my love for Charles.. yes I love him but in a human type of way. I don’t want to be at odds with him. But I also don’t think I would ever back him the way I used to..

And I wonder if the way I used to was an okay way to be.

My love for him before would let him spend hours on activities to grow himself at the expense of our family and our relationship

The me now would be like you are running for 2hrs after work while I have all our babies and you went to the gym before you went to work so you got your gym time in or he’s playing guitar or music or whatever

I wanted to support him because I thought that is what loving a spouse meant but he didn’t seem to care and I didn’t notice

I never want to love someone at the expense of myself or my kids

But it’s weird I also want to as well I miss being enamored thinking someone wants the best for me and my children by being the being their best self.. and me encouraging them to be by taking care of our family doing all the things

I felt loved by being pushed under the bus wtf??

This new love looking after myself again but in an adult way. Asserting my needs and if there isn’t a follow through verbally describing what I need how it isn’t met and how to move forward

Is that love?

Is that how I want to love?

Being first gen a POC woman in America I’m re-learning a lot right now and realizing how I loved before how I love now and looking at what love for me looks like in the future is intense but it’s what I’m doing..

I do love Charles but not the way in which I married him. I do not think it’s even a romantic love.. I don’t think I respect him either as a person a little as a father

But I’m not sure well anyways

back to putting my life together and applying for the web dev academy in hopes I get in!! If not I don’t know what I’ll do but my future is pretty bright and moving forward to providing for myself and my kids financially is where it’s at.. it will open more doorways for me and get Charles and I both to where we need to be to either move forward with each other married or not.

Till next time

My cat died

And goodness am I so sad about it

Never thought I would be but I am..

I truly miss him and while crying in bed.. I miss having a partner I trust with all my feelings.. this is a big loss for our family and it’s so hard navigating in my own mind

The kids are pretty sad as well..

I miss that cat so much… never thought I would feel this way but I do 😭💔😭💔

Dreams of another

I wish he didn’t think my dreams are just dreams they are so real to me but I get it it’s intimidating…

I am intimidating because I am so unlike so many. I get noticed because I care I truly care about people am I perfect hell no… but do I genuinely love others

Yes..

Do I love Charles and Kendra? Not so much

Do I love my molester? Same answer

Do I love my mother and father? To some degree because they are abusers and manipulators that being me a lot of sadness but they also bring me some smiles more irritation than joy though

I absolutely love my brother he supports me and encourages me

I just know how I feel and I don’t really hate Charles and Kendra I just don’t really love them either

Anyways back to the dream I was single and infatuated with this gorgeous tall man who seemed to adore me but we were young and in my dream I said I wonder about our future will I love you or hate you? He says I don’t know but one things for sure you will remember me

And I remember feeling that was true and how much I adored him then he helped me move and I woke up not knowing where I was 🤣🤣🤣

Charles doesn’t dream much and he doesn’t understand my reality

I think we will eventually divorce.. but I don’t know I also thought I could not hate him then hate him forever then it’s like ehhh… he’s not the worst 🤣🤣🤣

He just isn’t what I want and I don’t think he will ever be and I don’t thing I will ever be what he wants romantically

It’s just a lot of pressure doing this with him sometimes.. this relationship what are we doing?

I mean we have sex a lot of sex lately but that’s never been what ties me to a person. I don’t feel romantically connected having sex. It’s the enjoyment of another’s company wanting to be with them all the time. The limerence of it all except I am capable of having that for years. Even during his crappy treatment of me for so long.. I still loved him believed in him and hoped the best for him

I am not the same since Dday and I think that never gets told. That when you cheat you have no idea of the partner you will have after Dday. You have no idea of the relationships you miss out on. Like my brother and him could have been friends now it’s a never and I don’t blame him.

I would be the same if my brothers partner treated him like trash.

Anyways I just came to say once again I’m awfully confused but I want to tell Charles this but it’s so difficult because he takes it so personal as if he’s not good enough he’s so insecure sometimes.

But it’s not that he’s not good enough I just think we could be good friends years down the road but I want a butterfly love I want to look at my husband and be happy about our history present and future is that so bad to want that?

I want to adore my husband and feel safe with him. I do not feel safe as myself with him.. I feel awkward. I feel okay. But I do not feel butterflies I am not proud or happy when I see him.

It’s just a meh.. and gosh do I want more..

Merry Christmas Eve

We are heading to my father in laws home the first Christmas without his wife. Husband and I are bringing grills and so much to just enjoy each other’s company.

I was stressed and when I’m stressed and have so much to do I withdraw:..

So I’ve been up all night Was I doing tasks and preparing for today that would be a no 🤣🤣 I did take a shower and am just thinking about how grateful I am. Lately I’ve been hating life because I just don’t feel taken care of.. Everyone in my household are needy my Dad, spouse, the kids and I’ve just been over it

But my Dad went to my sisters for Christmas and our family is spending our first Christmas ever away from our home..

My kids are troopers

Anyways I just wanted to give any encouragement I can that even if you stay and are confused, hurt, angry, resentful, hateful or other feelings that don’t feel good being in the betrayed club that no one ever wants to be in

I encourage any fellow betrayed that you made it to face another day and it’s true if we are alive then we’ve survived our bad days 100% of the time. There are plenty of reasons to have peace and if you are having a hard time finding that that’s okay. Please reach out to any of our fellow bloggers Reddit is a good one as well just stay on the betrayed side for safety purposes if you aren’t in a good place.

things are busy here The husband and I still have occasion sex and we are finding we are quite divided on numerous hot button issues and it’s new to be so opposed to him and his fundamental ideas. Kendra is still on FB and I am resisting the urge to message her or block her or even search her up

My kids are all under one roof we are taking the dogs with us. Planning on having burgers for Christmas Eve dinner and grilled chicken for Christmas dinner

Not the typical fanfare but will have to do while I take so many things to travel and cook in a no kitchen since I don’t want to fuss in my FILs kitchen…

Here’s to another day 😊