I’m not in limbo some may think so, but what’s that song
Should I stay or should I go??
I don’t have that..
That is not a question I struggle with on a daily basis
Sometimes I wonder why am I here? Or what am I doing here?
But that usually dissipates quickly as our children look for their father. Or I see how happy my family is.
Dang do I love this family.
I think what gets me is am I with someone who will harm me?
Am I still blinded and making excuses for my children’s father?
Am I blinded to being mistreated?
Majority of times I am with him I would like to say no but it’s the fact that I doubt his intentions with me and with this family.
I also doubt my ability to recognize his intentions and how I’m being treated.
Which puts me in a stage of anger however I think it’s fear. I fear being so stupid again. I fear being mistreated and I won’t notice. I fear that I am making excuses because I am too unhealthy to see reality.
Because really Charles wasn’t a physically abusive absent father or a terrible provider
He was emotionally absent as a husband. A critical terrible friend as a husband and a complete jerk when it comes to relationships marital or for the rest of the world. He would rather save himself, fluff his ego while putting down mine.
And looking back I’m like what the fuck NH??!
The doubt in myself and him. Mostly myself.
Maybe I shouldn’t doubt and just take everything that I feel about him at face value. And all the things that come out of his mouth.
But I don’t for some reason.. it’s like I just can’t like I would be doing myself an injustice to believe he couldn’t be some snake playing games with me and my family. I would be doing myself an injustice to go off of what I feel because hell isnt that what got me to this place?
So this is what the counseling is for
To handle my fear, to manage my fears not just about Charles but about me and how hard I am on myself.
Sometimes I still am angry I did not protect myself from Charles a long time ago.
I’m so mad at myself for trying to love such a foolish cold hearted man a man who clearly has Momma and abandonment issues. But at the time I deemed him stronger than me, smarter than me, so much more amazing than me that he was above such nonsense and was wise because he spoke less and thought more.
I made up the part of him thinking more he just spoke less
That was my imagination filling in the gaping holes of his personality
For a long time I fancied Charles to be so disillusioned with his affair and how he found himself there, however I am seeing how I was just as much to fall for him and become mistreated
We almost seem like a perfect pair looking at it from that angle
Till next time