Getting through another V-Day

Facebook was awful to me today

I forget how it could make me feel this time because I’m sick I think I’m just extra 🤣🤣extra whiny

For sure

Anyways today Charles has been fine I guess I had to go into work today due to some obligations but he brought me a pack of my fav cookies Milanos milk chocolate

He also called me his best friend

Ugh why?? I’m not sure

I was like best friend?

I felt like he immediately regretted saying that and then it got me thinking

Would I want to be his best friend what does he think friendship is

What do I think it is?

Too many thoughts for me to think as I’m trying to survive this cold

But definitely something to think about

Also he made dinner with our oldest daughter which was so sweet

Today wasn’t the best Vday but not the worse either so I think that’s good

Also growth because I was being a salty sick person this morning on social media but got to looking at things and became happy for those who love their loved ones and plaster it all over with the heart shaped sandwhiches and the like

I don’t think I’ll be that person ever again but I don’t need to be a sour puss to others

❤️❤️💯💯

I read “..betrayed stuck in the healing phase..” and “..healing is on the you..” hmmm

This got me thinking

It’s so strange the phrase “I will not let it define me”

I have heard this before face 2 face with someone who had something tragic happen to them told me about it their trauma and said those words

I have heard many of these phrases before and they hit me differently through the years on this journey of mine

For those who are blissfully married to their previously cheating partner and who have moved on in more or less better words (probably way better words but I cannot think of them right now) I am happy for you. I do not even think about how you did it. Why you did it or even how you got there. I’m just happy for you and your spouse that’s great it’s amazing.

I am not one of those people

And that’s okay

It doesn’t mean I have let infidelity define me, or I’m stuck anywhere at least I do not see myself that way

I think things will always define me mother, daughter, sister, betrayed, molested

Those things happened and changed me sometimes for the better or worse

But they are always there

In the definition of NH as to who I am

Now how I act totally different story LOL my characteristics, descriptions adjectives if you will

I married Charles 6 months after knowing him thinking it was a good idea. It wasn’t

And now almost 19 years later I can still be not happy with that decision

Does it mean I’m like a prickly cactus who only has a sour face like I’m always sucking on a lemon?

No way

I smile enjoy my kids

Have pretty amazing sex that I question a lot aloud to him (not during) because I’m not sure I should be having sex with him when I don’t feel connected to him.

Go for coffee dates during work

Yell and disagree with my teenager

Love oh how I love this family

I love seeing my kids hug their Dad

I love seeing my kids enjoy family time and how they all sit on the couch and enjoy family meetings

I do not trust my husband with all of my thoughts and feelings because I don’t think it matters and yep it’s because he was unfaithful

He says he’s faithful now but eh..

I have a pretty awesome life aside from the unfaithful husband which he wants me to see him differently

But I’m not sure if I can

This man treated me as if our committed relationship didn’t matter, my dreams as a person, for our marriage, for our family, did not matter

I was a pawn in his little game

For years

He would have never told me if I did not find out

That’s the kind of snake I used to live with

No integrity

Maybe he has some now

Who knows? But I sure do not care and that’s where the prickly cactus does come in.

I mattered then and I matter now.

Healing on my end seems to look a whole lot of ways and I’m sure it looks like a whole bunch of ways with my other betrayed as well

My end goal is to not have a put back together marriage if Jesus has that miracle coming together I don’t see it

My end goal is to not have a stronger relationship with my spouse it just seems to kind of happen as I set boundaries and we respect each other. It’s hard but it’s growth

My goal is to love myself unconditionally and try to fucking relax

I’m so high strung

Also to not dehumanize Charles

That can be easy to do when I’m in the spiral of remembering when my existence did not matter. My countenance my spirit who I am as a mother, wife, woman, human, did not matter.

Only he and Kendra mattered

Ugh vomit 🤢🤮

I’m sure I will always feel that way

Because I mattered then and I mattered now only difference between back then and now is I didn’t have someone criticizing me and treating me like I was too much..

I have always been too much

Too loud

Too big

Too emotional

And you guys I like me

I freaking love me

I don’t love being married to a reformed cheater

And I know the days of feeling like I didn’t matter and it was because I was married to a jerk and thought that was acceptable. I believed he could be better, I believed in him to be and he told me he wanted to be better.

Anyways I have no idea where this is going but if your struggling I’m sorry

Your story can or won’t define you

Your healing does and doesn’t depend on you solely.

We are responsible for healing and moving that direction however it looks so different for all of us.

Here’s to the journey

Love to you all

NH

The boy

We went out for a late birthday dinner

Like his birthday is in the fall and I set up a lovely place for the girls to go and hang out with a wonderful friend

So finally we got to take him out

Considering he works and all his stuff

It’s hard to figure out a date with him

He just wanted his parents with him sooo we went to his favorite place

This boy 17

Probably should just say young man but I’ve called him the boy for so long

I remember when he was a baby

A toddler

I also remember the hell we put that kid through

When I found out what a douche I married

Poor little guy

I wish I could have done that over..

And been one of those wives who push their pain deep down for their kids

I’ll admit I was a selfish asshole concerning my kids during that time

I was just falling apart

I didn’t know how to be

Seems like excuses now

But no use crying over spilt milk

The good news is our boy seems to be getting over the trauma

He is growing and finding his place

And I just love him

I know he’s going to do great things

Next year on what probably would have been a reason to celebrate 20 years of marriage

It’s the dreaded anti-versary ugh the part where Charles tries to mention it but I’m like fucker you better not!

Seriously I am in no mood to say oh it’s been a great ride with you asshole

Nope just makes me mad thinking about it

Since affair he had such a strange look about him when it comes to us and Uuuggghhhh so much so it’s like NH is a toddler who is past bedtime and needs a snack so over it

His face is full of sincerity but so unsure as to he wants to express himself to me about our life together but he knows it’s not reciprocal

It’s a strange look on his face so strange

Anyways enough about him about our boy

He graduates next year so much joy on a time period of so much irritation I still don’t know how to process it.

The irritation not the joy

I’m so happy for son

My son shine

My sweet boy who I adore and love

Will hit another milestone and my heart just overflows

It’s hard for me to not express the sorrow

I feel on what I should have protected him from

What I could have protected him from

That sweet boy my sweet boy

I’m so thankful for him

Not everyday because I let him drive me batty but gosh do I love that boy

Like I’m not sure what I will do when it’s time for him to leave

My heart aches just thinking about it ❤️❤️💯💯

Nowhere to store my grief

Sometimes I look at him and I feel absolutely nothing

I grieve the times I did

Sometimes I like the way he feels

I grieve that I used to feel safe with him

I read somewhere that the grief is where love has no where to go

My love for Charles

My sadness

The tears

I learn to live with that

I learn to live with myself

I learn to cry and be okay

For I still have memories that haunt me and will continue to do so

Like the time I met either of them

Birthday parties

Military families reunited

My youth

But the longer this goes on I grow

I’m kinder to myself and others

I learn to adore that sweet naive girl who unfortunately found herself married to such a douche

I learn to find compassion for myself

And let myself mourn whenever I want

Music

It’s been pretty cold and I’ve been making soups and chopping all the things

Well I love listening to Ed Sheeran in my kitchen and belting out cheesy love songs

Songs I used to believe in but now just enjoy for what they are it isn’t my life it’s a pop song

And I still believe in all the romance and fun..

I know others have found it, still have it, and are enjoying every moment being married to the person beside them

That’s not me but I’m working on not being bitter about it ❤️❤️💯💯💯

Love and Grief

Charles has been sick and one by one my kiddos have been getting sick

Fortunately my Dad and I are doing well

However his sickness

He’s like 100+ fever sick and I feel sorry for him

He never had a Mom to cuddle him when he was sick

Being a Mom I truly think I am awesome 😎

Anyways I also like to touch Charles I like to hug him

His shoulders his presence

But I also am super curious as to what in the actual fuck??

How can I be so attached to a man or enjoy a man who backstabbed me?

I find it so strange

Like I wonder if I have some sort of mental lapse still i. Judgement

And yes I’m staying for my family which does not need a lovey dovey relationship

Does not require me to smell him

He smells so good

Does not require me to rub his back

I love to feel his muscles underneath his skin LOL

That reads so creepy but I’m not deleting it 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Anyways I’ve been crying lately and I am just sad

Sad I was not a person to him

Just an object

Sad I’m not in love

Sad for the woman I used to be

Sad that all of this even matters

Sad seeing past memories of holidays with Charles and I

Sad about my history with Charles

Sad about who I used to be with my kiddos and seeing a full picture

So crazy there’s that affair fog but for us the betrayed

A fog lifts for us and its like I understand so much now and it’s not just the truth bomb going off numerous time (trickle truth 🤮🤮🤮) but like so many pieces come together and it’s like what the fuck did I ever see in him??

We are so opposite

We were not friends

And the only thing. Left holding us together in my mind was hope and loyalty

Both destroyed when a fog lifted for me

And then there was nothing

The person I wanted to spend my time with to get to know to make goals for our family

Hoping we would get through the rough patches

We didn’t

Not because of our relationship

But because I didn’t matter

I wasn’t even a person to him or to Kendra

And that stings

Not as bad as before

But still makes me sad

And how could I not see that?

For so long

I knew we had problems

But I did not know my very existence was no -existent to him

It’s okay to lie to me

Cheat on me

Deceive me

Gaslight me

The women’s encounter he thought I so badly needed because well he went and had such an experience while being in an affair

The Bible study he bought for us just months before he was caught to help us be closer

And I wanted no part in it because I was already done with him

He was being such an asshole in 2014

I remember these things all of them

And I just want to know you what to do with all the feelings

I cannot change the past.

Living in the present with a cheater is so hard for me

I mean it’s easy when he’s so accommodating but hard in my mind when I’m sad when the wave of grief comes

Sometimes I know it’s coming

Sometimes I don’t

And I get so mad that it’s even there

This whole ordeal but that’s just classic me

Basic blamer and withdrawal-er 🤣🤣 i know that isn’t a word 🤣

I hope to find what living with this grief means and looks like for me

I hope to find a better understanding of my coping skills and what I want out of this

I remember a sweet young therapist when I was in the ward said there is always good to come out of any situation

At the time

I couldn’t see anything

And she said well

You get to have any relationship you want now

Everything gets to be negotiated on your terms

And I didn’t see that as good

And what’s the point of defining any relationship with someone who will just cross boundaries anyway

How does that work?

To trust him again seems so foolish

And something I have no intention of ever doing

But I still enjoy hugging him and being in his arms

I just don’t understand it all

And it makes me cry

Videos of my babies

Ugh

I wish I had the words to tell him how gutted seeing our babies..

Knowing what I know now about Charles

What he allowed to happen to our babies

And also what I allowed to happen to our babies

I do miss a simpler time though when it was naps and cuddles Sams Club and I loved my husband

There was no other man for me back then

Now I wonder whenever he dies or should he die will I be able to find a romance again?

I have been pondering if I were to get a full time job would that work for our family

And I should probably stay with my part time gig that I love

However full time would be pretty awesome with the money and the benefits

I would also be able to possibly support myself and the kiddos

And finish my degree

However boy graduates next year and I want to be present for him and also the oldest girl homeschooler

New adventures

I wish my heart didn’t break when watching videos of my old life

I hope one day I can see videos of myself and my babies and not want to fucking bawl with misery

I knew we weren’t perfect

I knew we had our troubles

But I did not know I wasn’t loved or cherished

😢😢😢😢😢😢

Making everyday better

Christmas was awesome

Kids were happy

My Dad was well my Dad he’s alive and that’s great

Lately I think Charles and I do things better together but I just don’t think that’s the case for a lot of things

We parent together

Raise a family together

Keep this house afloat together

But that’s it

Working, retirement,

Making our lives better? For each other

Uhhh not so much

I’ve been gaining weight and most definitely losing muscle

So I’m looking forward to working out again

I’m looking forward to applying for a new job

Full-time

Making everyday better

I think I’m going to try something new and download a habit tracker

And prioritize what I want in my life

I know some people already have that skill

Yours truly not so much

I’ve also been learning about childhood trauma and what that looks like for me

Kind of helps me understand where I’ve been and how I want to proceed forward

I would love to be prepared for my days instead of tired and withdrawn

Here’s to the new year everyone

Looking at a man

Oh my goodness such a sucker for romantic shows anyways

Sooo

When calls the heart we love this show buttt

Good grief when the teacher looks at her handsome man

And I know they are actors

🤣🤣🤣

But gosh I remember

I remember making him plates of food

Caring about his presence near mine

And looking at him

Just to look at him made me feel like I belonged

That I knew someone loved me beyond measure

Ugghhhh don’t laugh 🤣🤣🤣

I know how my story plays out 😉😉😉

But I remember the last time I felt this way

When I saw him

I was waiting for him at a party to welcome the new pastors at our friends house

And I was watching for him

I always find myself attracted to Charles even now

But back then I loved him

I miss looking at someone like that

I miss being romantically in love

Finding the strength

I forget there’s a pattern

I eat too much

I stay up at all hours

I think I’m okay but I’m not

I’m constantly trying to withdraw play video games be on social

And tonight I cried

I think I’ve been meaning to for a bit now

Just sad about my past

Sad that there is this lovely fun blonde named Kendra that I know and I saw her and went another way

I couldn’t say her name

Without gasping

That name still reminds me of so many things

Not of affair but mostly that I don’t matter

Or more so I didn’t

My smiles

My life

The commitments I made to my husband and close friend

My time

It’s strange how I never seem to need to forgive them as much as I’ve seen or heard many say

Like the cliche phrases

Forgive them to free you

Give them grace and move forward

Because the lost time that I grieve? Or when memories strike me that hurt my heart?

When I know how my husband saw me truly saw me

That I truly was alone in my marriage

I didn’t make that up

I have a hard time giving grace to myself and forgiving myself is what truly matters

Because I still mattered

To God to my kids to the people who truly love me

Because there are so much more good people in my life than backstabbers

I was always beautiful and smart and capable and still am

And that remains true no matter who doesn’t see that

I was played because I didn’t love myself enough to trust my heart when things were not right and I’m not just talking affair I’m talking back when I first met this man…

He did not add to my life he took away from it and that I blame me

So I know a few of you before affair have great memories and relationships with your spouses

After the blinds came off good grief it was and still is a doozy because Charles and I do not have a lot of good times together

We did not have a relationship and I wish he would have let me go..

When I asked him for a divorce years ago

But no he said we are going to do this we are in this together

And I believed him with no change at all on his part

I really want to say he can go to hell right now but that puts focus on him

Where it doesn’t ever need to be

It’s on me and finding my light to shine

I am no longer dependent on working with him to build a future or focused on any relationship

Friend or foe 🤣🤣🤣

But I’m not going to lie and say how happy I am and that the sting doesn’t hurt remembering my past

I see videos of our kids and I remember being alone and angry

I remember making memories with them and I don’t remember much about him

Because he was not mentally present not for me, but more for the kids but not for me

I have to find strength when I see those videos because I love them I love my babies

But I also remember

Which is so convenient Charles remembers nothing

Why does he say I’m glad to be married to me this long? And why does he remember our anniversary?

He remembers nothing… of our life

About me..

He knows nothing about me..

Finding the strength to get back up from this..