Leaving on a jet plane

Headed to Seattle and things have been good

I tried to set up an appointment with a therapist and turns out she is on leave until the beginning of the year

Crazy but I just figured a closed door and not right now moment.

I am starting to set up an appointment with a nutritionist since I eat like a juvenile 🀣🀣🀣

Getting weekly massages and enjoying life

Charles and I have been getting along quite nicely

I can’t explain how good things are because it just feels good

Which puts me in a panic because well

I have felt this way before and my storm was already hitting I just didn’t know it

I feel odd when things are going well because I wonder if this is the moment where I will get sideswiped again

What terrible thing is lurking??

Trauma ahh you sneaky thing

My brain has been reworked however I wonder how this will play out

How will I rewire my brain? And what will that look like?

Yesterday I lost my mouth guard because I have brexism. I was scared because I can’t sleep without it

I can but the migraines locked jaw come sooo choose my poison I guess

And Charles helped me look everywhere

Even when I couldn’t look anymore because I was just crying and sad

He kept looking

I was in bed looking up doctors in Seattle who could make a night guard in a day and Charles finally came to bed

We snuggled and heard a thump

My night guard was somehow in our freshly made bed it was weird but great

We had a great rest of the night

At least I did

He truly does so much for me now and well I am thankful but also suspicious

And that is troubling but okay too

If that makes sense

I just hope I could reach the masses and say cheating on your spouse isn’t worth it.

It breaks so much

And even if the cracks are filled and put together with gold

Doesn’t ever show a put together plate always a broken one πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜“

Wondering

Lately a few things have come up for me and Charles has had my back

It’s nice and it’s weird

I mean I wonder what it’s like to back up your spouse when you thought they were trash all along?

Like I wonder what’s it’s like to not be for your spouse, be their support, be their what is it called cheerleader and then realize oh this is what it’s like

Oh this is what it’s like

I wonder how he feels about that

I’m going to ask him

He gets home tonight

I still cringe and my heart sinks to know what happened

That my dreams all the work I put in and I was invisible

I meant nothing

I think it shall always break my heart

But I always thought I would leave a cheater

But to be honest never thought I would have one but two in my closest circle

Soooo who knows a lot can be up for debate when the situation arises ❀️❀️

Till next time

I re-read my own posts and Crazy Kat’s Nina

I do I re-read them just to be sure of what I said and tbh sometimes I’m surprised at what I read

Because I question why am I here with Charles?

Answer for my family, kids, and God

And wouldn’t my family and myself be in a better position single or looking for the actual compatibility of a partner than be with Charles?

Answer Nope we wouldn’t be better as a family financially and as a single mother of four? Odds of me finding a compatibility partner are slim not because I couldn’t find one but it would be the LAST thing on my list anyway. As I uproot my kids into two homes and try to keep a roof over our heads.

So here I am some have told me and can view me a an unforgiving bitter bitch and while I can’t say they are wrong I can say I’m working on it 😊😊

And my opinion on Nina is I feel very naive

Just as naive about Nina falling for lies of a married man

I do have a disgusting vomit reflux when it comes to the idea of cheaters

But they are human too

And sometimes I want to treat them as they are not good and bad

And even being a BS I should know better right?

I don’t but I want to

I don’t want to look as someone as just a write off and vile.

A cheater is a person too with feelings I’m sure if they were a tiny chubby toddler I’d want to hug them and love on them

People are not so easy check boxed

Alright off to bed I go

Dear husband

Thank you for doing the dishes, and rarely arguing with me

Thank you for being kind when I’m cold and distant

I want to apologize for the way I act towards you but I don’t think I need to.

In fact every part of me knows it’s just a knee jerk reaction to say Im sorry when things aren’t quite right

Because I’m not sorry

I’m not sorry you fear me sometimes and by fear I mean your anxiety of what my reaction to you will be when we disagree

I’m not sorry but to be honest I wish things weren’t like this…

I absolutely hate the idea of wishes being raised by my boot straps Daddy you made things happen. Wishes do nothing

But I still wish things were different

Because then I could care about you

And want to protect you and think about you during my day like I used too

But I don’t

Unless we have to work hard to keep our family in line with all the things we do

You are the furthest thing from my mind

Having sex with you is fun but nothing that I’m truly interested in. Not like before

You do so much more than you did before affair and during. You are up for anything I say. You are willing to do and think of what makes me happy. You buy me snacks when I ask. You are willing to do anything I ask. You are willing to scrub showers and toilets. Put the children to bed every night.

Yet I just can’t. I don’t know what exactly but I can’t with you.

I wish I could forget and move on

To say well your better now and I should be grateful perhaps?

I’m not sure

That you want to be better and I do want you better for our kids

So when you walk down the aisle with them or are part of their wedding party you can be the man they need you to be and not just for adult weddings but in all parts of their life

I will not forget how I was treated like trash, invisible only worthy to be a pawn on your game table.

Treated like I meant nothing to you, all the years we spent together meaning nothing

Worthy to be lied to, used for only your purpose as if I was not a woman who gave life and had dreams of my own, feelings, a soul

You remind me of my mother

Except you are better in that you seem to be somewhat accountable for what you have done

Maybe…

I do wish things were different and somehow I see the similarities between me and you in an affair because I give up on us..

I gave up on us the day I found out and pretty much the months leading up to partial disclosure

I was so sick of you

And still am to a point

But I wish this would have happened before affair and that makes me feel like a sentimental shmuck.

I wish you would have invested in me then

I wish I could find some way to adore you again

Because it’s been 5 years now and you have gotten better but us?

My fortieth birthday is coming up and you keep asking me what I want

Which is so nice

But unless there is a time machine to go back and make my husband choose me and us instead of being a slut with no integrity

I’m not interested

Another day

Growth

I don’t truly think I grow with Charles but it happens all the same

Time is so fast our boy will be 17 soon and he is strong, talented, and fierce

All the things I ever hoped for and more

I pause in time with memories that are all busted up pre-affair, during affair, and after affair

5 years ago my poor boy was dealt a hard blow to a Mother who refused to get out of bed and a unfaithful father sleeping with his oldest friends mother..

He seems to be better now

He seems stronger, wiser, and being able to be kinder

I think the same is for me

Recently came upon Lou’s post and read up on her life

Gosh I missed her she was the very first blogger I came across and introduced me to the bloggers I come to know now

Charles has been cooking and cleaning for small group and doing all the things while I don’t do as much

He had become somewhat of an equal partner in this marriage and it’s strange but also very cool

Not because I don’t do as much but because this is what I think it should have always been like

I’m not in love with Charles we are still managing our finances and I’m homeschooling again but this time while I work.

But I do love him. In many ways I see like separated parents do. I work with him for the whole. Maybe one day we can be friends, maybe even more than that

But I doubt it.

I would like to say I know myself but I never thought I would be here. So who knows.

The Fallout

Sometimes when I see others memories or years on a calendar I find I construct my years quite oddly now

1979 year of my birth

1980-1997 childhood

97-00 Good times in the military

00-01 One of the biggest mistakes and possibly best by meeting my so called spouse

02-the boy birth

03-05 a blur of being a military spouse with no support with a newborn and then the spouse came back and we moved to Kansas

08 1st girl

10 2nd girl

11 the year before my spouse gave up on me but tbh typing that he never had me his selfish worthless crappy treatment of me has been forever also getting many treatments for my blood platelet issue only a few months before the footsie game

12 the beginning of the fallout

14 the actual fallout

14-present perpetual fallout

He scrubs tubs now is less judgemental and can still be a complete dick

How I communicate that is difficult because he is still slow to look into his own self see his shortcomings

He’s usually quick to point it out in others but to his credit he’s getting better

Not that it makes me fall in love with him or respect him but I see his trying and failing

It’s been strange to see him in this light

Back then delusional NH would think a lot of good about him

Now I just have to watch the treatment of me and how I respond to his idiocy

Because having any breakdown is not helpful to me nor does that help me grow either

Anyways seeing years is tough for me

I know how much time I wasted and that will always bring a sadness to my heart

Anyways today is 1st girl’s birthday and we are off to party!

Lots of love for the day readers

Ttyl β€οΈπŸ’―

The weirdest things

I got an email (yes I still subscribe) to the affaircare place. Anyways in my email it was reasons why not to contact the affair partner.

Oh boy did I fail that one

Looking back I probably should have left Bob alone and never talked with Kendra.

She was obviously lying when I would call her and ask her things. Her words were insincere over the phone and even more strange than the years before. I mean when her and Charles started sleeping together our friendship was never quite right for years.

I pushed it to be okay and wondered just like my husband what the fuck is going on. But unfortunately I internalized it all and those bitches allowed me to think it was me. I was being weird and I though well it could be me.,,

Oh NH I grieve at all the time I lost (yes I talk to myself in 3rd person) LOL it’s unfortunate what a habit that is because Kendra and I used to laugh about that we both shared that.

She still pops up in the weirdest of ways

My heart doesn’t break like it used to remembering her

Nor does it make me pray her death

Slowly she creeps out of my mind small things

The tiniest tidbits of my life remember her in such strange ways

Bob blamed himself one time because he introduced us..

I never blamed you Bob and I still don’t I feel bad for leaning on you back then. Thank you for letting me. You felt normal when everything was crashing down. Thank you for that..

I will always be grateful.::

5 years later and I’m still not over this

I still don’t think Charles and I have a better relationship. I am not in love with him. I am stronger and better not because of them but because I needed to be rid of them both. They were poisoning me and the families I loved.

They had to go.::

I miss the life where I thought I had adult friends and an adult husband. I see now this is more prevalent than adults being honest in committed relationships. Truly heartbreaking that is for darn sure.

Alright off to catch some zzz’s

Tik Tok and idiot party of 1

My new addiction 🀣🀣

Anyways I’m just fantasize over being in love again.

Kissing someone with the same passion I once had for Charles

And as I day dream I wonder how what all that looks like?

I was infatuated with a boy who uses women and is emotionally inept (thanks jangled πŸ’―β€οΈ)

Many reasons but mostly because I didn’t like myself very much and had poor self esteem and I was obsessed Charles was amazingly hot and so good in bed which to be honest makes me a little grossed out because I mean how good can he really be he’s definitely not cheater good.. like so good in bed I could bypass cheater status 🀒🀒🀒

Orrrr… he’s that good to make cheater status πŸ˜‘

Whatevs

Anyways being stronger and seeing my flaws on how I thought I loved Charles and what I thought love was.

It isn’t this I can tell you for dam sure

I would like a guy who I know truly loves me and only me

Sees all my wonderful traits and my bad and truly wants the best for me and encourages me to be better

A man who cares and is honest has integrity and will stand up for what is right

A man who prays for me and doesn’t want to drown me

All those traits I bypassed in favor of hotness and sex

Idiot party of one

Oh you guys one day

I have hope to love again

With Charles or without Charles is irrelevant

One day..

Wanting…

No haven’t set up the counseling appointment or signed up for the betrayed spouse thing Harboring Hope

Ugh I swear self sabotage..

Anyways it’s two of my sweet friends anniversary today and well of course I congratulated them..

I love them both.:

One 35 years the other couple like 12 or 13

And I’m so happy for them

And I wonder if others I know see me and want that for me..

Because I’m not happy to be married to him

It’s fun and we have good times but if someone asked if I am happy with that decision I made to marry him?

No, I’m not

I’m glad for my precious babies..

But him ugh he’s likable and handsome but all the emotional abuse.. neglect.. the way I made excused for him and how I treated myself being married to him.

Boooooo.:::

And I wonder what does letting go of all of that mean for me

When or if I let go of the unhappy memories tied to him

When or if I accept the apology to myself for picking such an emotionally inept husband who never saw the good in me, respected me, or loved me

For making excuses to stay for thinking love meant you had to fight for attention or try harder

I’m left wanting.:

We had an argument today and I didn’t like his attitude and he didn’t like mine

So I don’t really know where to go from there

What happens after I’m pissed off with him

I avoid him until I cool down

I’m not apologizing because I did nothing wrong he wanted to criticize and be passive aggressive

I call him out on it and he doesn’t like that

And then I’m labeled with attitude

And I don’t know how to reconcile with him I don’t know what we do after that?

Anyways it’s bedtime…

Till next time

NH

Have yet to make the appointment

So there’s this thing called affair care and I think I might sign up for it

Also I haven’t made an appt for counseling.

I am looking forward to my hair appt in Sept

I don’t know what therapy is going to look like does anyone?

I know I’m sad..

I don’t know how to be happy with the nicest backstabber I’m married to now

I am really happy with my job

I am so happy to see the boy I may tear down his ceiling because it’s driving me crazy

We had a slight leak a few years back and we have been wanting to get rid of his ceiling anyway

Ok so back to therapy..

maybe I will call on Monday

I have to get a new mouth guard somehow I lost it

I talked to Charles a little bit about my feelings but did not feel any better

It’s difficult when all the kids are obnoxious lately

Always interrupting πŸ˜“

But maybe that’s a good thing

How much does Charles need to hear anyway

He wouldn’t understand

How I’m angry at him how I’m angry with myself?

Ugh..

Tonight’s lame but I popped a few ibuprofen PM and will sleep this off

I immediately wanted food but wanted to resist

I’ve been doing well calling out my feelings and not eating.

It’s weird but I feel full like I don’t need so much food

I’m sad not hungry

I’m angry so what now?

Things like that

Personal growth I hope

Now off to Pinterest and call this a day