The love M lost and I’m unsure it will ever return

As I’m focusing on what I am learning from my anger and pain so much has calmed down for me.

I wanted to have sex last night, I had sex with myself and enjoyed it. I asked if he wanted to join he said No.

Too bad for him. He missed out and I think that  is the point of where M and I are going right now.

He sulks, he’s whiny, pouty, and you know I truly used to care, but after yesterday’s post I don’t care.

Okay let’s be clear it’s not that I don’t love the guy. I just want to focus on others who are trustworthy, my kids, myself, God and the love for him is that of an acquaintance not of what could have been of a 13 year marriage.

I made him breakfast, I didn’t say I love him (I do love him just not in love with him) because I felt pressured to do it or due to repetition.

I lost it yesterday. I came unglued on his ass again and I realized good night I need to express my pain, anger and suffering to him in better terms. There really is a way I can do that without sinning, without calling names, without wishing suffering upon S.

I am in pain. I am suffering. I am angry and that is okay. Going down the rabbit hole is okay. The more I go down there the more I understand myself and know I don’t want to be there anymore.

But I’m not those emotions all of the time. I get that way when I think of them, M, S, what the hell M was thinking or doing? How I absolutely despise being married to him.

Anyways I dreamed of S last night she was in my house giving my girls birthday cards and me a card. I told her it was unnecessary. She said there were $50 Target gift cards in there and I told her really it’s fine. She spelled my daughter’s name wrong I didn’t want to correct her I just wanted her gone.

She finally left, I went to look at my card, S went away, and then I woke up.

I hate when I dream of her. I can’t stop it. I wish I could

But I did not wake up angry, I just woke up to a crying Squish. M got up with her most of the night. He can’t sleep through crying babies, I can. Sometimes I would get up with Squish because I cared for him. I don’t really now, but not in a bad way.

It just is what it is. I am not in love with M and I don’t need to tell him, I don’t need to address it. M can feel it and I don’t care.

This marriage is no longer a goal of mine. M is big on the theory of us writing our own story and I’m writing mine. There isn’t much of an our and I’m okay with that, because I don’t have to force myself.

I felt alot of pressure since May to be competent, to know the infidelity logic, to figure out myself, to get those feelings back of love I had for him, because I miss my husband ALOT. I also miss my best friend ALOT. But those people are gone. I’ve mourned their deaths and I’m no where near over them but I’m not stuck there wishing they were back either.

M is not my best friend and I have no intention on inviting him to things or going out of my way for him like I used to. He wants that. Too fucking bad. M seems to be stuck in the cycle of me doing the work and him enjoying the ride.

I made a great marriage the past 2 1/2 years he was fucking around on me. Because not once did he take S out besides treating her like a whore. He couldn’t show her around town. Nope that was all me, he did so much for me, to keep me. Not keep her ass. The hotel room they romped around in? Not on our bill.

M spent so much of his energy on lying and keeping his secrets. Maybe he should put that energy into something else besides being a whiny kid who isn’t getting what he wants.

Because you know why he’s distant? Because he thinks he’s tried and did all he could to win his wife’s affection back. After 3 months this kid thinks he’s done so much work (I’m not negating his work but he’s just in M-Land) and he isn’t getting what he wants.

I used to feel sorry for his looks of sadness. I don’t. I have compassion for him, but I know I’m capable of telling him everything I feel in a gentle manner instead of bat-shit crazy. That shows my strength.

And as I ask him how I can talk to him and voice my pain effectively because this is not going away anytime soon. My anger, wrath, fury, pain, need to be voiced without sin and I asked him how. He just said to talk to him. Fine so talk I will.

But as we agreed you should have seen the look of “Oh Shit” you mean she isn’t going to forgive, show grace, mercy and all of this madness will go away? I’m going to have to hear her talk about her grievances for the long haul?

That’s right M. You seem to have accepted the challenge so buckle in you are in for a bumpy ride. That’s why he wouldn’t have sex with me.

He is disappointed. I saw his face this morning. I’m not faking, hugging, smiling at him with affection. I just made his breakfast and prayed with him.

Let’s say the hate is dying, but not because it’s going away, but I’m staring it straight in the face. Recognizing it for what it is a great piece to MY puzzle. God is helping me with my hate and anger and showing me how to deal with it and look at the good aspects of those emotions as well.

Thanks to CeeGee for recommending the Divorce Minister’s Blog I enjoyed the Anger article and it helped me see it as an okay thing. I knew it was I just needed more information on how to view it. I know the logic that I am 🙂

While I’m not walking away from M. I believe he is the guy for me and if he bails due to the process I’ll be fine with that. I am seeing this process of surviving M’s dumb decisions is bigger than what I thought. Not that I viewed it as a small task, but I’m understanding the finding myself part.

How much I enjoy myself, I don’t think I’ve done that in a long time. I always enjoyed time with M the most, now it’s not like that at all. I used to enjoy myself more when I was single, that left me when I met M.

Don’t worry I’m not going all self-love on myself. I firmly believe where love comes from. I also know that I need to find me and search for who God is calling me to be. What are my likes, dislikes, exercising and just all around knowing my worth in Christ.

I may not be on here as much due to this quest, or on here more. But today’s devotion just hit me hard about my mental energy and where am I spending it.

We all know I spend alot of my energy on here. I hated seeing blogs that I followed only to have them not be on for months because they were living life. (I’m not judging those bloggers it is pure selfishness I don’t want them living life because I enjoyed reading their story)

Here’s the link to the Devotion Your Mental Energy

Going to go find me some joy..