Those who hurt and Infidelity does not always equate blame on the marriage

I have come to find out that many more people know about M’s affair now due to a Vacation Bible School incident. I don’t think it was malicious gossip, but curiosity as to what is going on. Rumors started floating around and someone dispelled them. I find all of this out at a Bible Study I decided to check out. I wasn’t prepared for that, but afterwards I cried throughout the drive home. I was screaming to an invisible M “What did I ever do to you! To do this to me!” The tears were large and full. I was embarrassed. I don’t have a faithful husband, I have a failing marriage, my family is a wreck, I hate my husband more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my whole life.  I just wanted to come home and hug M because I hurt so bad from that bible study. Those conversations opened the wound and maybe I let it. But  I couldn’t hug him he’s the offender. He is not my comforter, he’s questionable.

As I type this I think of the Riddler in Batman with all the question marks on his clothes. 

This type of situation makes me think of my Mother. She was awful to me and as I raise my daughters sometimes the sting from how I was treated as a little girl comes back. As I let my girls touch all my things because they are curious and love their Mom. My Mother used to yell at me constantly to not touch her things. As I watched my girls as toddlers and am so amazed by them I wondered when did my  Mom start putting me in the closet ? What it 2 or 3 ?maybe younger?  When I hug all my children I wonder how my mother could hug my brother, but not me. She would claim she loved me, but behind closed doors she was rotten. She also slept around on my Dad, being her daughter sucked all around. So when I was molested as a young child there was little comfort from my mother. I’m not sure if she tried, but she didn’t have the right she was a person who hurt me too. She did press charges and I had to testify in front of a court about what he did to me. One of the worst moments was pointing to a stupid doll what and where a sad old man did to me in front of strangers, in front of my Dad. It was humiliating.

So I am no stranger to people who hurt others with no reason behind it, just to fulfill a need, just because they wanted to

As I type I listen to my children and think these little ingrates are pretty blessed. I am starting to feel more blessed every day I wake up. Not to be with M or even think of him, but just to live life. He is not a part of my joy right now. I don’t find joy being his wife. I am happy with him continuing to provide and do things around the house. It isn’t joy though. I am baffled at how the two people I have loved for so long knew my backstory and it didn’t bother them to be added to my list of hurtful people /experiences in my life.  Whether I knew or not.

I did not write this for sympathy, but in strength for myself. If anything this builds character for me and my children. M thinks this will bring strength for our marriage. I disagree.

I just needed to remember what I’ve gone through and write it down. I wanted to also point out to other betrayed that a running them e in articles especially in Christian infidelity articles is what in the marriage led to the affair. In my situation I can say people just do horrible things, and they don’t care about the consequences, or they think there are none. There will be no casualties from their choices because they are the only ones who matter. They are dead wrong. My mother thought this, the molester, my ex-best friend, my husband Here’s to the day, it’s time for a family meeting and get my kitchen clean.