I see all my wonderful couples on FB and yes I know some of them are not cheating on their spouse or otherwise..
And I think the days are gone where I wanted to smash my computer screen..
Yes, I know they have problems but none that they are not trying to work through.
I so wanted to yesterday FB T and tell her what kind of liar Kendra and her sad self is. Kendra seems to have buddied up to another couple. The same couple that was at the party that left early before Charles touched her ass and everything went upside down for 2 years for me and then more damage after..
But I reasoned why? Because I would want to know. I never take back the day Kendra or Chris told me whatever news they had.
I will always want to know. I don’t care who it was I would want to know who I’m friends with and who they are behind my back. I would want someone to warn me. Although in retrospect do I warn everyone about my knife in the back husband. I mean because he’s exposed, and says he’s trying to change is the knife ever gone? Do I need to warn people about him? Is that something I need to be even thinking about?
Anyways back to T and leaving her alone. I prayed for her, I prayed for Kendra and I left it alone.
I do not believe that it was cowardice not to tell T by praying and leaving the subject alone. Because I know I don’t feel convicted by God to tell her not yesterday anyway.
Maybe she already knows and doesn’t care.
I’m glad I told Glasses.. I told her because we were friends and we shared life together.
Anyways.. I miss feeling like I’m so happy God brought Charles in my life. Or ___years I’ve been married to the love of my life..
Ugh… I remember.. I wish I could forget..
I wish he wasn’t a part of my life.. for K, Bob and that family.. I can photoshop them out of most of my life.. memories come and go and someday I hope I will forget.
There is no photoshopping Charles out of my life.. he’s here to stay no matter divorce or together..
That’s a bit depressing.. for sure..
Can there be two different ideas where I will not ever be thankful for the affair.. but be happy that I have Charles still?
I have not seen it happen yet.. Maybe I’m wrong..
I have to remember I’m one bowlfull of stress and being in love with my husband is a low priority, but something I was proud of and happy with..
I was proud to be Charles’s wife most of the time.. (hey I’m not perfect you know!!)
I’m not anymore..
Sure he does nice things for me and wants our relationship back. But I think he fails to realize who he married too.
I am a cold, sad person. I don’t value any person who puts an emphasis on dishonesty. It has taken me years to even want a relationship with my siblings and my mother.
They lie. They omit, They deny.
I had to take a different path yet, I’ve found with all my reading.. I see how broken I am still.
How much more broken I am now.
And I belong to no one but Christ.
I think it was Torn Asunder that said the way I handle my anger shows how I handled with it as a child.
And my childhood defenses could only take me so far. They protected me then, but can no longer protect me now.
I think it’s that 80/20 rule I guess. You know majority of my life is alright. I mean besides me wanting to be financially independent. I am working on that. But that 20 you guys..
Where I loved to be around my husband and valued his company and time.
Where the relationship I had with him I thought was valued.
To the point if he hurt me, he hurt himself..
The relationship I loved was a fake one, a false representative. Charles moved away from me year after year.
I kept this family together even my honesty of wanting out of it. I did the work. I looked inside myself to be better.. WTF did he do?
Yeah nothing and then had an affair with nothing for nothing and got what nothing..
Charles still says he has me and he’s thankful I’m still here and you know it’s strange because he would have rather have me in someway than none at all.
I can’t say the same.. and I wonder if I ever will..
Here’s to the dishes I didn’t want to do and finding away to destress good grief everyone if you think of me say a prayer I’ve been eating my way through everything lately!!