Will I ever be happy I married him??

Ugh..

I see all my wonderful couples on FB and yes I know some of them are not cheating on their spouse or otherwise..

And I think the days are gone where I wanted to smash my computer screen..

Yes, I know they have problems but none that they are not trying to work through.

I so wanted to yesterday FB T and tell her what kind of liar Kendra and her sad self is. Kendra seems to have buddied up to another couple. The same couple that was at the party that left early before Charles touched her ass and everything went upside down for 2 years for me and then more damage after..

But I reasoned why? Because I would want to know. I never take back the day Kendra or Chris told me whatever news they had.

I will always want to know. I don’t care who it was I would want to know who I’m friends with and who they are behind my back. I would want someone to warn me. Although in retrospect do I warn everyone about my knife in the back husband. I mean because he’s exposed, and says he’s trying to change is the knife ever gone? Do I need to warn people about him? Is that something I need to be even thinking about?

Anyways back to T and leaving her alone. I prayed for her, I prayed for Kendra and I left it alone.

I do not believe that it was cowardice not to tell T by praying and leaving the subject alone. Because I know I don’t feel convicted by God to tell her not yesterday anyway.

Maybe she already knows and doesn’t care.

I’m glad I told Glasses.. I told her because we were friends and we shared life together.

Anyways.. I miss feeling like I’m so happy God brought Charles in my life. Or ___years I’ve been married to the love of my life..

Ugh… I remember.. I wish I could forget..

I wish he wasn’t a part of my life.. for K, Bob and that family.. I can photoshop them out of most of my life.. memories come and go and someday I hope I will forget.

There is no photoshopping Charles out of my life.. he’s here to stay no matter divorce or together..

That’s a bit depressing.. for sure..

Can there be two different ideas where I will not ever be thankful for the affair.. but be happy that I have Charles still?

I have not seen it happen yet.. Maybe I’m wrong..

I have to remember I’m one bowlfull of stress and being in love with my husband is a low priority, but something I was proud of and happy with..

I was proud to be Charles’s wife most of the time.. (hey I’m not perfect you know!!)

I’m not anymore..

Sure he does nice things for me and wants our relationship back. But I think he fails to realize who he married too.

I am a cold, sad person. I don’t value any person who puts an emphasis on dishonesty. It has taken me years to even want a relationship with my siblings and my mother.

They lie. They omit, They deny.

It’s infuriating..

I had to take a different path yet, I’ve found with all my reading.. I see how broken I am still.

How much more broken I am now.

And I belong to noΒ one but Christ.

I think it was Torn Asunder that said the way I handle my anger shows how I handled with it as a child.

And my childhood defenses could only take me so far. They protected me then, but can no longer protect me now.

I think it’s that 80/20 rule I guess. You know majority of my life is alright. I mean besides me wanting to be financially independent. I am working on that. But that 20 you guys..

Where I loved to be around my husband and valued his company and time.

Where the relationship I had with him I thought was valued.

To the point if he hurt me, he hurt himself..

The relationship I loved was a fake one, a false representative. Charles moved away from me year after year.

I kept this family together even my honesty of wanting out of it. I did the work. I looked inside myself to be better.. WTF did he do?

Yeah nothing and then had an affair with nothing for nothing and got what nothing..

Empty handed..

Charles still says he has me and he’s thankful I’m still here and you know it’s strange because he would have rather have me in someway than none at all.

I can’t say the same.. and I wonder if I ever will..

Here’s to the dishes I didn’t want to do and finding away to destress good grief everyone if you think of me say a prayer I’ve been eating my way through everything lately!!

❀
NH

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39 thoughts on “Will I ever be happy I married him??

  1. Yes, you will if you allow it. It’s been long enough that, since you haven’t left him, you need to accept him and his many, many faults, flaws, mistakes and awful things. So… yes, you will. ::hugs::

  2. I agree. After a certain point, you have to find a way to move forward without the pain and anger. How long has it been since the affair? I’m sending you hugs n prayers xo

      • Actually they really won’t, at least they didn’t for me. I rarely think of it or her ever. I think that’s because we went to counseling, together and separately. We both made changes and he did everything necessary to rebuild my trust in him. It did take about 2 years. But if you’re just staying for the kids, you’re not going to be happy. And you deserve to be happy. Hugs to you xo!

      • I don’t know Emma I mean did the counseling and all of that really work for your relationship since you still have issues in regards to big things like sex and passion?
        Is the hurts, resentments were they really all gone or was it denial or suppressing since you chose to have an affair?
        Does it mean you are not hurting for something else. You didn’t have to have an affair and you see the type of man P is for all that he is.
        Not as good as your husband which P helped you see.
        But did having an affair really need to happen for you to realize that?
        You seem like a pretty smart cookie and from what you write that’s all my perception of your story I have.

      • And that’s why you went on to inflict it on someone else. Because you didn’t remember what it felt like and that you weren’t better than his wife. It’s pretty much a pattern where people are cheated on a small number go on to intrude in someone else’s marriage and she would say “how could you?” And the answer is you didn’t really get it the first time. You didn’t suffer enough.

      • I didn’t suffer enough? Thanks! Is that from the bible? Book according to trolls? Lol Sitting in judgement of others, stalking and harassing them keeps you much busier than your friends know doesn’t it? U r the worst type of bully and the most pathetic kind of coward. Keeping ur blog private while harassing others who have the courage to be honest about themselves and their lives? Good n bad. U need serious help, week after week sending me disgusting, hateful messages? Anyone that lashes out at strangers and then hides from the repercussions deserves only pity. I know u enjoy verbally sparring and usually I do not choose to engage you. But you just never stop hating. Sad.

      • You clearly didn’t suffer enough to know it wasn’t ok to do it to someone else. Pretty obviously. I am not religious but that’s cute. And the only hate is from you. I am just stating facts.

      • Oh should I make all ur love notes public to ur friends? Lol Then they will see u for the bitter, hateful, disgusting excuse for a human being u truly are. Just go back into ur hole ok? I pity u but that does not mean ur sick shit is acceptable or okay. Ur nothing but a bully n a coward. That’s a fact! Of course ur not spiritual, no one that does what u do to as many as u do it has any depth or strength of character.

  3. I hear you and completely understand. I too used to be proud of the man I married. I was proud to be married to him. Not so much anymore, probably not at all. He doesn’t seem to care or understand that. It’s as if he just wants his bad behavior to go away even though to me it feels like I was living a liar for years and years and years….. Maybe even the whole time……

    Why don’t they understand? What don’t they understand? Are they happy being married to us even? Doesn’t seem like it to me.

    Acceptance is the easy part. Living with the flawed man knowing you could get hurt again is a different story. Being happily married, what is that again? Certainly not this.

    Hugs to you. I do understand.

  4. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to be glad. What’s reasonable is to feel you did the best you could with the cards he dealt you, to be glad you stayed rather than left. I think to be glad you signed up for this a long time ago is delusional and you are not delusional. And I don’t like your description of yourself either, you aren’t sad or cold. And it’s a mark of good character not to value liars.

    What I hope for you is that you can accept what happened to you. Like people accepting they have lost a limb. It’s not coming back. But you can be okay with your life from here in. He can still be a good choice if he proves himself one.

    I believe he will always be damaged goods, and you can’t have back the nice clean marriage you had before. But you can still be happy if you accept that he is different, assuming he IS different.

    The question isn’t “am I happy I married him then?” It is “am I happy to be married to him now, all things considered”. I can answer yes to the second and I wish that for you.

      • I know there are BS who claim to be glad even for the affair. They are delusional and almost certainly in abusive controlling relationships with the cheater. It suits cheats for you to accept their cheating. Never accept that. Accept that it happened. Accept that maybe he has changed. But the flaw of the cheat, never accept that no matter how much they want you to. And they always do until they really truly get it.

        I really really recommend “How can I forgive you?” By Janis Spring. She shows how she realised after years as a therapist that demanding/expecting/obliging forgiveness was not only wrong but destructive. And that often the fake forgiveness was worse than not forgiving. Acceptance that it happened and moving to live in the present, that serves the so-called positive purpose of forgiveness. That allows you to be happy with the present because the past is the accepted past. Without having to absolve the wrong. It’s a really good book.

      • You know since I’ve been plowing through books I am going to read it Neph. I remember you recommending it to me before and it never stuck.
        I agree with you fully.
        I just won’t be thankful an affair happened to me.
        My life forever changed and I was forced into something I had no control over by my husband.
        I can accept that an affair happened.
        What I cannot accept is the affair in of itself and the flaws that brought my husband there.
        Because I’ve gotten to the point where there is more to my husband than a cheater.
        Hope all is well with you Neph.. it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you πŸ™‚

      • I have been busy/sick/travelling/looking after sick kids/travelling and working extra days 😦 Seems all done now for a bit though – at least the illness part which is a relief. Thank God we all got flu vaccines this year, dealing with the colds, gastro and URTI is quite enough! One day maybe you will follow my blog (though I was also posting less there). You can apply, and I would accept you. Except I had one lovely blogger whose request still hasn’t come through months later and she’s tried 3 times. Not sure what that’s about. If you email me I can invite you πŸ™‚

        I am super behind reading blogs and many other things. But I will catch up one day.

        For me there is more to Paul than being a cheat, for a start he has gone all out to protect us from Argyrodes to the point of risking his own career. It has paid off, but it might not have. But that kind of effort is something he probably wouldn’t have done in the old days, he never had the loyalty gene until he saw where not having it led to. Now he’s got it spliced in. It’s fun watching Argyrodes implode, but I would still rather I had never crossed paths with her.

  5. I didn’t have an affair because he did. Mine was 5 years later. And it certainly wasn’t something I’d ever thought would happen or what I wanted. I love my husband. If you haven’t gone a few years without sex, and not by choice, you have no right to judge. But after thinking about it I think that if he hadn’t opened the door years before, I probably would’ve left.

    I wish you well on your journey. I’m sorry. I like you but I can’t comment here again because I am a loving, kind person who is good to people. I want nothing to do with your troll buddy Nephila who stalks and has harassed me non-stop for 6 months. Be well xo

    • I am sorry I never meant to imply you had an affair because he did. I was saying that there were hurts and lacking a in the relationship that grew that led you to an affair 5 year later. So I was asking was it possibly that the hurt and anger were suppressed? Or was there denial even?
      Maybe not just going on the info from tons of books that I have been reading and my own experience. you don’t have to comment here you can email me if you like.
      I didn’t think I was judging you by what I wrote but I was unsure of how you would take what I said.
      So with that I meant no judgment at all.
      Here’s to your journey too Emma may you find the love you are seeking❀️😊😊

      • No, I have gotten to know you. I know you weren’t judging. That’s not who you are. And you are right there is hurt and anger. But I don’t think from the affair. I think from not sharing physical love n intimacy. That’s why I’m glad we’re going to try a sex therapist and deal with whatever comes. At least then I will know we, and especially I, tried everything to make our marriage healthier and stronger.
        Actually I suppressed nothing lol. Those first 6 months especially I cried n raged over n over again! But while I was not to blame for the affair, I wasn’t perfect. I couldn’t be. I was busy trying to keep my Mom alive. I abandoned him but he didn’t feel like he had the right to b upset because it was necessary. So he definitely supressed his pain n anger because he thought it made him a horrible person. It didn’t n doesn’t. Feelings are just that, not right or wrong and always changing. I would like to email u but can’t find it lol.

        Please know I took what you said the way you intended it. To make me look inside myself, be honest and ask hard questions that will only help me on my journey. I have and will continue to so thank you. Hugs to you xo!

  6. For Petes sake you’re wasting your time and his. Let him go already. Life is too short to think as you do about him . It’s irretrievably broken. You don’t want or can’t fix it. Be done with it

      • NH you should know RWS has form. You flick the switch and all is forgiven and it was 50% your fault by the way or you set *him* free. Like your husband didn’t put himself in this position. I asked Paul to leave, on one occasion I made him leave. He fought to come back, he fought for the chance to redeem himself even if it takes his whole life and even if it doesn’t work. I decided to let him try, which doesn’t make it ok. But I take my hat off to him for effort, even if he’s late to the party. Your husband has to work for it if he wants anything from you. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nor is there any shame in letting him try.

      • No I don’t remember RWS at all this is the first time he has commented that I know of. I am not sure what he was trying to do there.
        From what I gather from his blog he seems to be wanting to have this high road he has taken and him and his wife are great.
        But not sure if he was having a bad day or what because from what he commented it’s a cut and dry story for me but on his blog it’s not so cut and dry in his marriage so his comment seems to be pretty double standard which I didn’t find helpful at all not that I am looking for help or suggestions on what to do with my marriage not today at least πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜‰

      • Share this post with him then. Show him how you really feel. Only a fool would stay after that. I wouldn’t have. Life is too short trying to fix things with someone who hates you

      • Or someone who really gets that HE did this 100% and so did his tart 100% and if he loves her he will do *anything* to make it better than it is. Or if he’s a complete narcissistic arse he’ll leave. Yup. Agree with that.

      • Why would you think I hide these thoughts from him that would be pretty deceptive on my part and only show that I am like him and I am not. Not sure why you are so assuming that probably because you haven’t really read my blog or story from what I have read on your blog you prefer people to do that on your blog you insist that actually and defend your position as such.
        Which is a double standard.
        And by your conclusion my husband is a fool and since I am with him after he cheated I am a fool as well.
        I am sorry you would have left your wife when she is completely honest about the actions caused against her and how she feels.
        You made me read as if you loved your wife beyond reasoning.

      • As long as you’re being honest. I just know this from long experience in this area and reading blogs, research etc: Reconciliation takes a commitment on both parts. And you can’t reconcile if you can’t forgive, which means letting go of the anger associated with the transgression. And forgiveness requires compassion, which is preceded by understanding. Look, I’m not condemning you. But the vile things you say about him and about how much you hate him, can’t live with him etc. Hey, it’s ok. Most couples don’t survive, let alone thrive, after infidelity. I’m not saying you have to understand, forgive or reconcile. But I can’t possibly see how any couple could reconcile when one holds the other one in such constant, long-term contempt and yeah, hatred. To me it’s impossible . And yes, if someone truly has these views, and made them known to their spouse, yes, only a fool or someone with no options would stay under these sorts of conditions. A doormat. The usual WS, after a long period of such treatment, would get discouraged and walk out the door. I don’t pretend to know you or your husband (just your blog. I have no idea what his POV is of all this). I’m just saying this — instead of venting at him night and day, why not just pull the plug?? Why waste your time and his??

      • You haven’t really been at this long you confessed in 2011 you’ve been playing with infidelity for more or less 4 years.

        One I get it you have 1million views because your title was catchy and your blog came at the right time. So you might think you are some expert.

        But I have to say 4 years is not that long. I don’t think you are some statistics whiz or majoring in relationships to have the numbers to validate your opinions on how many couples make it or don’t.

        Also I don’t buy into the type of reconciliation you are talking about where two spouses fight for their marriage and in the end say their marriage was better than ever

        But let’s be clear I don’t buy into that for myself or this marriage.

        I find it difficult when reformed liar/cheat has the idea that my husband is or was in your shoes and your reconciliation should look like mine.

        Because it won’t ever. You did not let your mistress babysit your kids while you pretended to work on your marriage (counseling), You did not let your mistress be friends with your wife because she wanted to be, You came clean mine got caught.

        Your case seems familiar man confesses, wife asks normal for being betrayed you work on your marriage and well there you have it.

        That is not mine. My husband we are both vets so not only served with me RA so the values he held true to himself or what he stood for all lies.

        He was an immature man and never had the balls to say so. So he found himself with an immature woman.

        As you can tell my my writings the passion is there even if it describes hate. I am the same way in real life as well.

        I am not perfect, but I am honest. I did not have that in my husband and see honesty possibly returning on a superficial level.

        A level of honesty I far surpassed and do I keep him to say AH HA!! little man I refuse to divorce you because I want to feel superior to you for the rest of you life!!

        No I stay because I love my children, my family and I feel God tells me to stay. Charles and I have 4 gracious, loving, servant children who have the ability to change the world for good.

        I would be pulling that away from them for what the 80/20 rule?

        I do not vent at him day and night I don’t have that kind of time.

        I am soon to be 36 and feel old as all get out.

        I’m tired, I homeschool, I see the training I have provided our children come to fruition. Our kids love each other and are no means perfect but Charles and I both love them.

        And to be realistic the kind of love that we have for each other surpasses that frivolous love or knowing each other.

        Because your character shines through when you aren’t loved, scared, hungry, tired.

        And I think Charles and I are shining just on different levels.

        Besides I’m not going to go find love without him, what’s the point I’m not interested I thought I was at one time.

        And the same for him. He values me now at least that’s what he says. Who knows with his background.. but for the most part 80/20 so I don’t feel like I’m wasting time at all.

        Am I wasting his time. I really don’t care. I don’t and trust me I am flat out honest about that one.

        I don’t get to choose for him what’s a waste of time to him. He’s his own person and has his own life. So I don’t really care or think of such things.

        My main focus is me and the relationship I want most is to do God’s Will. to learn from all my hateful behavior and do good. To learn if I hate Charles that says more about me than about him.

        And RWS I’m a smart cookie Charles knows it so much more now after he had his stint with a woman with little value for herself.

        So he’s learning about himself, and I am learning as well.

        Does that mean our relationship is on solid footing and that I want to be married to him.. No.. no dice..

        But has he played apart in my healing for as far as I’ve come since he’s stayed yes.

        Because I lived my regular life without much change besides moving to Alaska.

        Are we on the same goal system in our marriage? No he thinks we will stay together forever. I don’t know if we will and if we do or don’t it isn’t that big a deal to me.

        I’m not at that point not sure I will ever be.. however I’ve got my one year to your plus or minus 4 so that makes means I’m a .25 in a long experience

        Only time will tell πŸ™‚

      • attacking me personally neither invalidates my point nor gets you any closer to reconciliation. Rage won’t get you anywhere. Raging at me. Or at him. Good luck with that!

      • I didn’t find myself raging at you. I don’t think my tone for my post was attacking you. If anything you have more of a condemning tone for the way I am handling things. I have nothing against you personally. With all sincerity I meant to thank you.

        I wouldn’t have taken the time out to evaluate or slow down with my responses to you.

        I have never encountered a commenter with such an opinion about me or my husband and who hasn’t truly read my story but who just jumps in with such spunk.

        It’s passion, I get it. The judgments from someone who doesn’t want others judging him for his actions I don’t get.

        If you think I am attacking you, please point out specifically why besides overgeneralizing and just saying I’m attacking you personally.

        And I didn’t invalidate your points, nor say anything against them. I cannot invalidate your points there is no argument here.

        How you feel is yours. Explaining my situation and showing you my points. It was a mutual exchange of words in a respectful manner I thought.

        I did not invalidate anything you said, I disagreed with it and told you why.

      • at some point, you have to decide whether you’re interested in reconciling, or pursuing justice. You can’t have both. I don’t care what you do, but if my wife wrote like you do? I would’ve left. Instead of where we are now, which frankly is far better than it had been at almost any time in our marriage. Yes, forgiveness is a choice. Venting is easy. Forgiving takes courage and character. Good luck.

  7. I think you are perfectly okay to not have decided what to do or where your heart is right now, for whatever my opinion is worth. I think your husband, like mine, is a fool for cheating and lying and risking his family. There are consequences for that. Consequences are not the same as punishments. But your ambivalence is due to the fact that you trusted him and he shattered that and enough time hasn’t passed for him to have earned it back. That’s what I see. You are still there, and each day he has a chance to get closer to that even if you aren’t sure you are working that way too. You didn’t meet him in the middle when he shattered your trust, so why on earth do you have to meet him in the middle while he rebuilds it? Maybe other men would leave if their wives were not telling them they would stay no matter what. Oh well. I think yours is staying and doing the work and you get to take your time to decide if the man he is now is the man you want. He was working off the whole set of information before, and now you get to put it together for yourself and decide if this is your life story the way you want it. Forgiving doesn’t take courage or character. That’s bullshit. It takes evidence that someone has changed and is sorry and has earned your forgiveness, and I bet you are like me – I think my heart might take a bit more than a year to put back together. I’m not punishing him everyday but I have not forgiven him. He knows that. He’s not a fool because he’s trying to fix this. It might be the smartest thing he’s done in a long time. And venting isn’t easy. Sharing your story takes courage. I couldn’t even post for 4 months, because commenting was terrifying. People like me need to know that everything we are going through and the 50 million emotions we feel during a day are normal – and it’s also normal to be numb. So thanks for being honest here. And thanks for giving us some insight into how it really goes when you try to work it out so we don’t feel like complete failures when it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows a year into it. I still want this to work but my heart is still broken and I’m still mad. No one is going to tell me that’s not okay. xx

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