Monday :)

I used to hate Mondays because Charles had to leave us and our family would have to wait for 5 or 4 whatever days to have him all day to ourselves.

Many a days since all spilled out like a broken dam.

I’m like “Bye Felicia!”

Seriously.. I make him breakfast & lunch and I wonder what the kids and I are going to do.

I no longer miss him.

I missed him in KS because I didn’t have my own home. My own place. Now that I do.. hell stay away for months.. weeks even..

Although if that happened I’d have to buy condoms because not ever sure where that dick has been right??

He says “I’m not doing anything” “It’s hard because you think I can’t change”

I need to ask him this because “Please sir.. what are you changing” “What is it that you need to change or feel you have changed?”

I think it’s mind torture for me to believe I married a very smart man and then stupid as all get out!

He’s always looking for ways to bless me? What can I do for you as I’m doing dishes how can I bless you? I say you can bless me by doing the dishes and he did them.

That was a few days ago, but it happened and it was nice.

But the super bitch in me is like if you are going to do the dishes and leave the counters, top of oven, the rest of the kitchen a disaster..

And then as I’m typing this I could have been in the kitchen to help him. I missed an opportunity to help him.

Eh.. live and learn I guess.

So I am able to memorize Psalm 4:4 quite easily and now the next one is a bit harder..

8Ā Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

This I need to memorize and keep with me in my heart.

Is M or KB in their rotten detestable living standards of love and marriage anything mentioning above? Fuck No

That verse is hard because I want to say.. Really God, just listen to me here.. I mean there is a reason I’m thinking I hope KB suffers her whole life and what a rotten bitch she is. Also I hope M does too. I hope they are sad miserable and deserve nothing but lonliness and unhappiness for the rest of their existence!!

I also would love to see M’s face if we stuck this out because really guys I can. I got a nice set up here and when the kids are all grown (Yes, Bel I know what you said about divorce and grown children just playing fantasy) serve papers to M say like 18-19 years from now at work or something.

Or when he leaves for work just pack my things and bail. Just leave. I would set up secret cameras in the house for that to see his reaction.

I know I’m evil… I’m a sinner as all get out..

And that mentality is nothing about what Phil. 4:8 is about at all..

But as I argue with God and tell Him my plans..

I have to say.. that’s what our son has been doing to us lately.

This 12 yr old is bent on telling us “Will you just listen to me?” “Why don’t you guy’s trust me?” “I know what I’m doing” “What attitude?”

I would love to say I’m a kind, loving mother who doesn’t fucking lose it on her 12 yr old when the stupid hits him and makes him think he is an adult.

But lately I have been not.

And it never fails for God to show what is going on in my heart with God as to see it in my kids.

The defiance, the arrogance to tell me they know better, the sheer audacity to bypass all of history and look at me as if they have all the answers at 1, 4, 6, and 12..

Who in the hell do these people think they are!!

And I have to say.. I do this to my Heavenly Father. I treat M and think of KB like they really do need to be booted off this planet. I tell God, if you would just listen to me this is why they should both suffer. I show God my pie charts (in my head because jeesh do I have time to actually make those?) and tell Him why I’m so much better off without M, why the kids would be better off without M..

And I remember a dear, wonderful woman who gave me my first crock-pot.

She said. “Oh NH isn’t is humbling to see ourselves and how we act towards Our Father in our children?”

Now this beautiful woman who is wise and seen the years while I love her dearly I told her No.. is it not and we both had a laugh.

But definitely something to think about while I pray for my boy.

We found him and Squish sleeping on the couch this morning..

As they both are a blessing to us each day and how against us they can be.. it’s heart-warming to see them be a blessing to each other..

Here’s to thinking commendable things, things that only bring praise to the Lord.

Why?

Because He said so, and it’s what I believe.

He knows what’s best I just fight Him on it..

Maybe it’s not always about Charles.. it’s the wrestling with God that keeps me in fighting and wanting to win.

And even if you don’t believe if you know anything about the Bible God always wins..

šŸ™‚ Happy Monday everyone

ā¤ NH

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6 thoughts on “Monday :)

  1. Please, your bitterness and unwillingness to forgive are hurting you. Praying you decide (because I’ve seen enough to opine it’s all you at this point), whether you really believe what you say you believe. Are you ready to truly admit that you are a sinner who has been forgiven sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (o’s added for emphasis) so, so, so much more than you will ever forgive, or will you be the servant who has been forgiven an immense, unpayable debt but won’t forgive the small debt owed to you?

    And yes, I’ve been there. I had to answer that question. It’s the difference between faith being what we say we believe and being what we actually believe.

    • Thanks Al for the chime in. I think right now I’m more the servant who’s been forgiven much and wants to choke out the guys who owes me like $20 bucks
      or the worker who complained I signed up for a denari for a days work when those other workers came in at the last hour, or the older brother who didn’t get a party and stayed with his father, or Jonah who was upset with the Lord, or in Job’s spot questioning God.

      I’m sure the bitterness and unwillingness are hurting me. But so does blinding just following.. that just isn’t me. And that’s between me and God.

      To me it doesn’t matter if you’ve been there or not. I just read this on FB that describes how I feel about my opinion or others opinions.

      It will be love not opinions that will be our greatest contribution to the world- Bob Goff

      I’m not willing to admit to that Al to your question.. Not yet. Will I regret that not sure, am I wasting my time probably, maybe, but I’m not going to force myself into a position that I’m not at peace with.

      However since walking this path I definitely know that whole walking the walk Christian path looks different for us all. And just because I am fumbling through my Christian walk in forgiveness to M, doesn’t mean my walk isn’t continuing or still a work in progress before an unfailing, and loving God

      Thanks for the prayers always we both know I need them always
      ā¤
      NH

  2. It’s a journey, and sometimes the bitter path takes a damn long time to get to the end of. That said, it does sound like you have been sitting on this ledge of not really LIKING Charles, even if you still fancy the sex, and can see him trying to be better. I think when you have been on that ledge for a long time, it is telling. I think you and I both know where this ends up, NH. And I guess it is just a matter of timing. In the meantime, don’t force the forgiveness – no matter what your bible studies say, it can’t be forced. You will feel better in your own good time. Like me, you are taking a while to get there. I guess for me, focusing on the better parts of life, doing new things, learning knew stuff, the discipline of study, etc, and just BEING in the place I lived, with the flatmate I share a house with – whom I quite enjoy the company of, but no longer want to build a life with) has helped me cope better. I don’t expect anything anymore, and I think the sexual disconnect helped me in this way (although it is still something I am FURIOUS about, lol.) It is FAR from perfect, but I can cope better than I once did xxx.

    • I know you get this Paula when I say I do like him I love him.
      It’s just different, not sure it will always be this way, but it is what it is.
      I won’t force myself, or lead myself blindly into something I don’t fully understand.
      I mean for a long time I didn’t know my head from my ass in this after affair business.
      I was suicidal, crazy-town NH.
      And I thought things could be so finite. Life or Death. Love or Hate..
      And it turns out my life is anything but that. Maybe I was dumb before this affair business.
      But I either loved people or I didn’t. I mean sure I didn’t kill them but you were either in the circle or out.

      I suppose I keep on holding on with that hope of my children. They have such high hopes of their family staying together. The boy knows, he can sense his Mom better than M can I believe.

      Which is strange, but very insightful of that little young man I’m raising.

      I suppose I’m just cold. I never did need a relationship to thrive. I didn’t get knocked up at a young age and was far enough into my career when I did.

      So I don’t need one now. I sure don’t need M and sure I do like the guy, hell I even love him. But let’s face facts I enjoy a lifestyle and so do my kids. I’m not terribly miserable.

      I’m not sure what the fuck is going on, but I’m being more patient with myself. Loving on me.. finding out about me, looking for ways to find God’s will in all of these without my crazy sinful thoughts. šŸ™‚

      I won’t back down on the forgiveness, or love. I won’t I was never an inauthentic coward and I won’t choose to be one now.

      Maybe loving him will happen again. Like wanting a future with him. But for now it’s just the days go by. Somedays it’s good somedays its bad. But if I don’t care realistically about this relationship I know I care about my comfort and my kids.

      I’m not scared to walk out. But I did commit to the Bible Study. I have been thinking about reaching out to Shane again. Because I’m lonely.

      But I want to obey God and do the right thing so I haven’t. I will finish the before I divorce Bible Study.

      I will take all the time I need to leave Charles if that ever happens.

      He can leave whenever he wants and I mean with every sweet breath I have that I’m not afraid of that moment at all.

      He chose to affair on and he can choose to walk out.. but I’m not walking out. I’m not choosing the end of our marriage just yet, maybe not for years.

      Books told me this would take like 10+ years to recover.. I think she’s so right.

      I talked to M about what Al said.

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