The Balance

To not vilify my husband but not to be narcissistic about myself either.

I am not better or worse than he is.

And to be honest I’m pretty darn sure he understands I can be a whole different kind of evil than him but cruel all the same.

Sometimes I wonder if he saw how cold-hearted I am would he change his mind and file.

And sometimes I think he knows but he’d rather turn the other cheek.

He wants to believe the wife he loved, the woman he married could still love him, and we can be what he wants us to be, a better couple, have a better marriage.

But I wonder is it for him?

Because he fell off a huge pedestal that he put himself on and now he wants redemption.

I changed to be with him, we both did.

I’m learning to become the me without being accustomed to any title, because being his wife means little to me but I don’t tell him that anymore. I think he fools himself to be honest. He says I don’t need to remind him with my words, so I haven’t.

Do I hate him still? Oh you bet.. deep down it’s there I can feel it..

And I wonder am I suppressing? Is there more?

I try not to go there because there is so much more I want in life than to think about him and I, or the hate I have for him.

And yes I know, there’s that whole letting the hate goes frees me from some ill-fated life that I’m having with it.

But I have found, there’s a reason for my hate.. much more than just Charles but what I have experienced in my life and how I view myself.

Charles was a distraction to how much I loathed myself when i first met him. We live under no false pretenses here.

He knows I still hate him and he looks the other way either believing things will get better, or just waiting..

It’s almost funny because it would seem the shoe is on the other foot..

I believe nothing about him and I’ll be damned if I ever wait for his ass again..

And I wonder if he is any better than when he deceived himself into thinking he could be in love with someone else’s wife, or have her, and me too and we would still be together forever.

Ugh the stupidity..

He deceives himself easily, I married such a fool.. but then again I deceive myself too,  well I deceived myself by attaching myself to a coward and saying nothing. Apologizing for him, wanting to protect him not from his affair but other aspects of our life.

So back to balance

to not vilify the man and not think too highly of myself in the process as well.

It’s easier to say I’m a better person and I married such a fuck-up.. but I married that fuck-up, am still attracted to the fuck-up..

I recently read a wonderful post about that said FAIL stands for First Attempt in Learning and END stands for Effort Never Dies and NO stands for Next Opportunity..

I love this because I failed in loving and protecting myself and fell for a cowardly snake and this is my first attempt in learning..

The marriage I thought I was in came to an end, but my effort never died.. I continue to grow and strengthen myself.

and my No to my husband in I will not care for him like I did ever again.. means next opportunity..

No not meaning in men..

next opportunity to find me..

not be distracted with his fuck-up, or him ever again.

I came up with another idea to supplement our income

Going to look up ideas now that way I can play with Squish and hopefully make money at the same time.

All while being home at night.

Because this hater.. needs her beauty rest..

❤ you all

NH